Journal - Maybe one day I will be...

Shatteredsoul

Shatteredsoul

Fapstronaut
Today you told me why you watched porn.

You told me you watched porn because you wanted variety.
You told me you watched porn because you were insatiable.
You told me you wanted what you didn’t have. What I didn’t have.
You told me you were not satisfied. Not satisfied with me. I didn’t satisfy you, visually.

I heard what I lacked. I heard all the ways that I was not enough.
Today the smallest part of what was left in me died. Today I feel dead.

46 days ago, I discovered your lies and secrets about porn and today is the first day that I have tears rolling down my face and today I cannot stop them.

For 2.5 years, for our entire relationship, you secretly edged 3-4 times a week sometimes more and used my body to achieve an orgasm. You used me. I feel dirty.

Today is the first day that I do not want to see your face.
 
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If only I was not me, in my body, in my skin, I might have been what you wanted, what satisfied you. Being vulnerable, trying to give all of me to you intimately while I'm deeply hurting from two seperate betrayals only to learn that I am not what you want, to be invalidated again and again..it is just plain embarrassing to do the things I do and to be rejected.

Why can I do some of the same things you watch and I do not arouse you like they do? Why am I less than? Why am I not enough? What do you want? What do I need to look like? Just not be me?

You have never given me one compliment, never had one nice thing to say to me, not once, and to learn that I don't visually arouse you makes me feel like I am so disgusting to you. And honestly I know I am far far from it, but I just wish you felt that way and could see me, but you don't even look at me.

You have told me many times that you didn't love me and I was hurt by that, but I continued being kind to you, loving you and accepting you for everything you were..but I didnt know about your secrets, I've caught you in so many lies, I don't even know who I loved anymore.
After I find out about all this you decide you want to love me now? What kind of cruel joke is that?
I think you secretly hate me.
 
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I could feel your pain in my heart while reading your text. I still feel it. It hurts. I'm so sorry you have to go through this.

How could he say like that to you! Why is he with you, if he says things like that! I'm so angry at him, like he lured you into relationship, played with you, hurt you, and now claims he loves you?! I don't mean anything bad to you Shatteredsoul, I'm just very pissed off at your SO. You didn't deserve to be hurt like that. The addiction is a devil, taking away their humanity.

Does he recognize his problems? Is he willing to get help and recover?
 
Thank you for your message. I'm also sorry to you as well.

Liina said:
like he lured you into relationship, played with you, hurt you, and now claims he loves you?!
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I didn't look at it that way but after reading it, it does seem like that's what happened. Intentionally or unintentionally that's pretty accurate.

Liina said:
Why is he with you,
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I don't know.. He wishes for me to stay with him through this. (but, there is another betrayal I learned about 6 weeks before this one) and it all seems too much for me. I don't know any woman that would stay with a man after all this and who has never complimented her (other than, you're funny if that's even a compliment) never told her she looked pretty, looked nice or anything no matter how dressed up or how hard she tried, never validating her and letting her know he wants her and who didn't even find her visually, sexually arousing... he doesn't get that I cannot be with someone who makes me feel like shit all the time, one who has obliterated my self-esteem and confidence. I have never been with someone who always makes me wonder where I stand.
He told me a few months ago that he wasn't sure if we were together because of circumstance (we have a baby together), but now he says he takes that back.

Liina said:
Does he recognize his problems? Is he willing to get help and recover?
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After I found out, he denied it for a day, then he still denied the extent of it so many times..he never told me the truth, I always searched and found so much more. After much investigative work, I found out the extent of it... it didn't matter if I was sleeping 10 ft away, pregnant and couldn't breathe in another room, at the grocery store, in the kitchen cleaning, wrapping bday presents in the dining room, in between cutting my pictures out to fit into an album for a mothers day gift, while I was out on my bday and in between him looking for a bday gift online for me he was watching, at his parents house 4x a week (to drop our baby off) he was watching in their bathroom, while I was heartbroken and crying a lot about the first betrayal he was worse than ever... it didn't matter ... if no one was looking, he was watching! And he told me he never once felt guilty or bad about watching it or lying straight to my face when I would ask him.
I know there is much more I don't know that he will never tell me, I could probably find out if I dig enough, I would rather he tell me before I find it.
He was defensive about it at first, he denied having a problem until I told him what I knew, then he admitted he had a problem. He said he didn't realize it was so frequent and now wants to fix it and wants to change. He does see a therapist and go to SAA once a week, he put accountabilty2you on his devices (was trying to skip one saying it was dead for weeks and he'll add it later), he reads stuff online, he journals on fortify and bought some books but doesn't read them. I don't really think it was that easy for him to stop as he says it was just from being 'caught'..I'm just waiting for something else to happen.

So sorry for the long reply! I just started typing and couldn't stop! Thanks for reading.
 
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I am so sorry what kind of situation you're in. So heartbreaking.

No need to apologize for a long post, it is good to write your pain out. There's so much for you to handle.

It's always positive if he's trying, I hope he takes it seriously and sees how bad he treated you, every one in a relationship, men too, want to get complimented by their partner and feel desired and enough. I hope you will do the right decisions with your and your baby's life. Not straightly suggesting you should leave, but maybe weigh your options what's the best for you. Especially if his recovery seems false or very difficult (won't be easy anyway), it just causes more trauma to you.

Sorry if I'm talking too straight, I just want for your best. Hugs and take care.
 
Yeah, he says he realizes he didn't treat me very nice, but I still haven't seen any changes regarding that whatsoever, so I can't trust his word or believe he cares.. (he has apologized and said he would make an effort to change, I deserved that, etc, 5+ times, but has never changed). Only time will tell again, but unfortunately, I don't know if I want to spend or waste any more of my time holding onto hope just to be disappointed again....just waiting and waiting for nothing.. and if he does it'll probably sound like bs to me since I brought it up so many times and it took so long. He's such a fantastic liar, I cannot tell if he is truly serious about stopping P or just saying he is...I have a lot to weigh out.
 
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Shatteredsoul said:
He's such a fantastic liar, I cannot tell if he is truly serious about stopping P or just saying he is
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I understand how frustrating and hurtful this is. What I've learned time and time again is that, if the only thing he's doing is saying he'll stop and there are no other behavioral changes that you can actually see he's doing differently, then he's not really trying to change anything. We want to believe their words because it feels better to think they really mean what they say, but if their actions don't follow, we're just setting ourselves up for disappointment. I'm sorry you're going through this. It's painful and unfair, and sometimes it seems like it'll never end. You deserve so much better than this. Hugs.
 
hope4healing said:
We want to believe their words because it feels better to think they really mean what they say, but if their actions don't follow, we're just setting ourselves up for disappointment
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You're absolutely right! Setting ourselves up for disappointment.

It's hard not to believe change will happen when he apologizes, cries, empathizes and has late night talks about changing. Even when there are no actions that follow, I just keep telling myself to give it a little more time. It's hard to tell if this time is different from the last time and the time before that because he's so good at convincing me and knowing how to respond.

How many times can you have hope just to be let down again before you finally open your eyes and realize that you're in the same predicament as last year and the year before that.
 
Sounds like he really knows he have a problem, but does he want it enough to let go of something that has been big part of his life. I've read it here many times that he has to want to do it for himself.

My ex (PA) never was honest about it. I tried 4 years. First year I tried to ask what's wrong with him, and when I already knew our problems was because he chose P over me, he still denied. Even when I said to him that I know. I begged him to understand, to do something about it. He never admitted and didn't want to change. Eventually I couldn't take it anymore. When I said I'm out, he begged me to give him a chance and he will change. After begging him for years to do that, how could I suddenly trust that this time he will. I didn't stay to find out. (And waste more time)

It is difficult to him. I think it's important for you to know the truth, how he's progressing or is he. Does he take the therapy seriously or is he going there for you. And he should use effort outside the therapy, like reading the books he purchased. To show that he really is serious with this.
 
I'm so sorry you wasted 4 years with someone who never changed. I'm glad you were able to recognize that he wasn't going to change and left. It seems that only once they realize what they've lost they suddenly want it and want to change, by then it's usually too late. It's terrible that the pain and mistrust continue to follow us in life and into other relationships.
I was married for 16yrs, porn is the reason for the divorce, I wasted so many years being angry and holding onto resentment. I wish I knew then what I know now.
My SO knows the reason for my divorce and said he would never do that to me and would never hurt me, meanwhile he was doing it from day one with no intention to stop. I was completely blindsided when I discovered it. I don't know if he's being honest when he answers my questions because he has never disclosed anything to me.

I told him he should see a therapist after the first betrayal I discovered 6wks before the P was discovered- but he didn't go until the P was discovered (it wouldn't have done any good anyway because he was still lying about p). I don't think he's going to therapy for me and he seems to not mind it, but it's also not a CSAT either so she can't help with this issue either.
I agree, he should be reading the books, it feels like he bought them just to seem like he's interested in learning and changing. Because of his duplicity, I can't believe he's actually sincere.
Even if he's truly sincere about changing I guess it doesn't matter anyways since I'm not enough for him and if there is no real sexual attraction.
 
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Looking at pictures of myself before I knew about the deception just piss me off. I look like a complete fucking idiot, I look so stupid. How didn't I know!? I want to delete every single picture I am in, even though there aren't many...
At least when I asked you if you could take a picture of me 7 months pregnant in front of our Christmas tree unbeknownst to me until a few months ago, you cut my entire damn head out of the photo, I guess I can keep that one, the only one I have.
 
All of this pain, everything I feel, every emotion.. all of it...was done at your free will... consciously, willingly and guilt free, every single day.

Don't you see that you have taken everything from me? Don't you?
My happiness, my laughter, my smile.

Our home, our time, our life was good. not something easily found...it was happy....I was happy! I was so so happy! Our home was fun, full of laughter, jokes, foolishness, dancing and singing all day- everyday, laughing so hard our cheeks hurt with tears running down our face.. smiling came so easily.. we had so many inside jokes that we communicated using inside jokes...
I grieve for that life. I want it back. I cry for our baby and the family he will never have. I grieve for my best friend, the person I loved, the person I thought I knew. I grieve for what I didn't have, who wasn't real and who you pretended to be...because underneath it all, behind every laugh, every smile, every touch..was deception..just a dirty secret keeper who so easily destroyed us, our family, our life.
 
Shatteredsoul said:
I grieve for what I didn't have, who wasn't real and who you pretended to be...because underneath it all, behind every laugh, every smile, every touch..was deception..
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I can relate to everything you wrote here, but this part especially stood out to me...I've written about this very same thing numerous times in my home journal. It's been a huge challenge for me to accept that the life we lived before his PA took control, it's gone forever. Actually, it was never real in the first place. I believed it was. I completely bought into the whole "happily ever after" life, and I have no doubt that that's the way it would've been if PA wouldn't have trampled its way into our life and caused destruction at every turn.

To find out that my entire world and everything in it was all just a part of the scheme to him...my life was a false reality...that's a feeling they'll never, ever truly understand. Some of them believe they do, but unless it has actually happened to them, it isn't possible, IMO. It's even hard to look back at happy times before D-day without feeling like it was all a lie. Everything was a lie. :(

I'm sorry for all your pain. You deserve to be happy and feel loved and to know that it's real.
 
hope4healing said:
To find out that my entire world and everything in it was all just a part of the scheme to him...my life was a false reality...that's a feeling they'll never, ever truly understand
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I agree I don't think they'll ever really understand a fraction of the damage it does to us... To give all yourself, emotionally, physically, mentally to someone just to find out that everything we believed they were was a lie. Everything they said was a lie. Your whole relationship was a lie.. It makes me really mad to have put any of my time, energy and effort into a relationship and a person that wasn't real.
I'm going to read your journal.

hope4healing said:
It's even hard to look back at happy times before D-day without feeling like it was all a lie
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Looking back I honestly feel that there were no happy times. None of it was real.
The other day I came across a couple of cards my SO gave me (I thought I had already thrown every single one out along with gifts he has given me) I re-read them just before throwing them out and they made me so mad... how could he say things like "You bring me so much joy" and "you deserve all the best and all the happiness in the world, I hope that I can give you at least a fraction of that" etc...
To me, everything written in those cards was just lines of lies... I'm sure he wrote them just before or just after watching some porn too... It's all just a bunch of lies.
Sadly I didn't really want to throw any of them out and it really hurt to do that because in some pathetic way I still wanted to believe what he wrote in them was real.
 
Still wondering if I'll ever be enough.. but Im sure I know the answer...still wondering if I'll ever one time hear something nice about me come from your mouth.. still wondering why I'm still here since you still don't love me, still wondering why you don't look at me like you did all those other woman on the street and through your screen.. I have a lot of questions....
 
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