Journal - Maybe one day I will be...

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by Shatteredsoul, Aug 2, 2019.

  1. LoveIsAllWeNeed

    LoveIsAllWeNeed Fapstronaut

    Why don't you get out of that relationship? Just get out? If he still doesn't say nice things to you, if he still doesn't love you, or you think he doesn't, if he still hasn't changed the way he looks at other women in the street... Why do you stay? My wife would've left me in a blink of an eye if I'd done the things he still does.

    I'm not a saint but I really have changed everything in my life with lots of professional help, therapy (solo and together) workshops etc. I changed on the outside and on the inside: The way I think, the way I look at the world, the way I deal with feelings, with my body, my daily routines, realizing my dreams. EVERYTHING. And even that may not be enough to save our relationship. She's smashed to pieces and she keeps telling me she may quit one day if it's too hard for her. I can understand that. In the past I have been betrayed by my gf too and it feels like sh*t.

    Trust is everything in a relationship and it cannot grow by will power, it may grow step by step when you build up a new relationship that is significantly different from the last. Is this the case? Is this REALLY the case? I know it's hard, but you need to honestly answer this question for yourself. From what I read here, I doubt it.
     
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  2. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

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    It’s a lot harder to leave when you have children. She’s battling her love for him, the damage a divorce will do to her children, and possibly betrayal bonding and co dependency. She’s also at the very beginning of the discovery. So, she’s battling her hope that he will change. I stayed because of my children. But, I was able to detach from him and make and live my own life. Some women can do this and some cannot. I informed my husband that as soon as our youngest graduates we were getting a divorce. He was dumbstruck! Lol . He thought we had a great marriage. That was a year and a half ago. He’s been clean since. I still don’t know if I’m going to stay. I will say, it takes courage to stay and it takes courage to leave.
     
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  3. Shatteredsoul

    Shatteredsoul Fapstronaut

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    Yes, what you've said is correct.
    My 17yr marriage ended due to porn, lying and betrayal, it destroyed my family. Like you, I was able to emotionally detach from my ex-h, I seperated my life from his under the same roof, I did this for 3 yrs until I left. I can see the pain in my 13yr olds eyes when he misses his dad and it kills me. I'm in a different relationship now (we have a 2yr old) and after 2.5yrs together I discovered he was lying to my face about porn and his secret "friendship"with his ex-gf..(same exact two things my ex-h lied to me about) and I don't want to watch my 2yr old go through the same pain. It's not so simple to just to tell someone to leave.

    Also, I'm glad you were able to detach and make a life of your own.. I know how difficult that is.
     
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  4. Shatteredsoul

    Shatteredsoul Fapstronaut

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    When I wrote that post, I quickly jotted down my feelings in that moment, I didnt expect anyone to read it so I didn't explain anything in detail since I knew what I meant.
    But, I'll explain a little...
    My bf doesn't look at other women in front of me anymore, I just can't get over the way he looked at other women in front of me all the time and yet still doesn't even look at me.
    It's not that my bf says anything mean to me, but he has never once given me a compliment.. and it may seem petty to some, but I'd to know he wants me, thinks I'm pretty, that I look good my dress etc...
    No, he doesn't love me, when you love someone, you tell them. You don't apologize for the way you feel.

    By writing down just a few of the things that are causing me to feel horrible (I usually do this in my phones notebook, but its full) it keeps me from crying and/or having what feels like the same conversation last month and the month before which wastes my time.

    I'm not sure I understand your last paragraph. (He doesnt watch porn anymore)
     
    Last edited: May 21, 2020
  5. Shatteredsoul

    Shatteredsoul Fapstronaut

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    I'm not sure what the fuck I'm even doing here anymore...playing house? Wasting my time?.. A year ago you said you often wondered if we're together because of circumstances, even though you later took that back, I think maybe you're right. I think so...
    You ask me whats wrong over and over and ask why I don't hug you, kiss you or change in front of you anymore . I asked you if would you do those things with your friend? And you get upset. You treat me like a friend! We dont have sex, you dont love me, you've never said anything nice to me, you never show me or tell me you want me and when I tell you, you walk away and never change. Last night you told me you have no intentions of ever marrying me...ok...well at this rate I wouldn't marry you either, but damn that was harsh, it just solidified exactly what I thought.
    What am I doing here, there is no future....I've tried so hard to get something, anything from you, I've recently had multiple major plastic surgery procedures because you have depleted my confidence, my self esteem, the way I see myself, the way I feel about myself, and after all the physical pain I have went thru you still don't look at me the way you looked at other women, you still dont touch me or want me. And I still feel like shit, yet even worse. I can't believe I have done this, went through extreme things, normal people would just buy a new dress or something.
    And when I tell you, you cry and say you dont want the relationship to be this way, but you still give me nothing, you still don't change. And blame me for the lack of intimacy. You think because you stopped watching porn everythings better....fuck this. I'm just about ready to leave..
     
    Last edited: May 24, 2020
  6. GentleElephant

    GentleElephant New Fapstronaut

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    So sad for you. Taking his addiction as being about you . . . I hope you can separate his stuff from who you are and what you deserve. I'm just curious about what keeps you in the relationship.
     
  7. Shatteredsoul

    Shatteredsoul Fapstronaut

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    Thanks, I hope I can learn to do that someday too. I know it's quite ridiculous that I take it so personal. I honestly don't think other men see me as lacking anything internally or eternally. Writing this actually makes me feel pathetic...how can one single person destroy the way you feel about your entire being.

    I stay because I had hope that he would change, every time we've talked in the past (before I even found out about his PA and his ex) we had several conversations about how he doesn't let me know where I stand and that I need something emotionally, verbally, physically back from him and how it hurts me) he was always really empathetic and was sorry for making me feel so bad, every time he would tell me to give it some more time, he would change .etc..and I would wait and wait, hoping for change- believing it would happen, hoping he'd realize he loved me one day, but as the years have passed nothing's changed. Then I found out about his lies and secrets. Although he doesn't talk/see his ex anymore or watch p the dynamic of the relationship still hasn't changed, nothing is blocking it anymore so I've come to the conclusion it must be me, something is wrong with me.

    We've had 3 conversations in the past 6 months and he turned into a raging maniac, cannot be calmed, flips the script and breaks shit (including fracturing his hand) .. in between these short and rare arguments he's outwardly really nice to me, considerate and makes sure I have everything I need and more (materially).. I'm not working right now, (I stopped working when I had our baby) I will get my career back on track as soon as our county reopens and maybe then I'll be able to leave, but until then I pathetically still have hope something will change.. I must be blind and clearly in denial.
     
    Last edited: May 25, 2020
  8. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

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    If you haven’t seen any changes, why do you believe he’s quit using and isn’t just hiding it better? My csat constantly tells me “ watch and trust behavior” not words. Because an addict who is clean is a different person altogether. What does he do for recovery? Even if he isn’t looking at porn, if he is still masturbating and fantasizing then he’s still deep in his addiction. Is he just white knuckling ? Where is he at in recovery? And what are you doing to focus on yourself? You need to be healthy and happy for your children regardless of what your bf is doing! They deserve that and so do you.
     
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  9. LoveIsAllWeNeed

    LoveIsAllWeNeed Fapstronaut

    He's not destroying the way you feel, your mind is doing that. Read @Psalm27:1my light's last post's sentence, YOU deserve to be healthy and happy and since you are a divine soul which cannot be shattered, you need to stand up for yourself. Your mind is now telling you, you're weak, pathetic and there's something wrong with you. There's only one thing wrong with you, my friend: you're not loving yourself enough. From what I read, your bf isn't loving himself either, so you're keeping each other in a head lock.

    Read the my last post and psalm27:1's. Everything will change when he is clean. Also, everything will change when you start believing you're a divine being who deserves love and respect. In the first place by yourself and secondly by all people around you.

    This should be a wake up call for you. I can relate to this rage. With me it was part of the addiction which in essence is all about a lack of self-love and even self-hate. This comes out as anger and if suppressed may lead to serious violence (which I'm glad hasn't happened yet).

    Seek professional help (csat) and learn to love yourself, get your mind under control, stop thinking negatively about yourself, be your best friend. Do it for you and your children. Right now they're not getting the mother and father they deserve. And you both are not living the life you deserve.
     
    Last edited: May 26, 2020
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  10. Real Roboin

    Real Roboin Fapstronaut

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    If he has no sexual desire I would bet he is still using.
     
  11. Shatteredsoul

    Shatteredsoul Fapstronaut

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    Thank you...
    I don't think he is anymore because he has an accountability app on all his devices, including his work phone. He just put the acct app on his work laptop (after working from home for the past 9 wks without it on there and me mentioning it a few times) but he works for the government so I don't think he would be that stupid. Plus I can look on the router.

    He pmo'd daily before we moved in together. We moved in together 2.5yrs ago, he was caught last June and said he stopped pmo when we moved in together and watched porn and edged all the time without O. .... He told me it wasn't hard to quit watching at all and doesn't think about it or want to look at it etc.. which seems odd to me for someone who did it as often as he did. He was going to SAA for a few months and therapy until his hours at work changed 6 months ago.
    I never went to therapy or anything, I still want to.

    "an addict who is clean is a different person altogether"
    How so? I know this sounds dumb, but what kind of different person?

    "My csat constantly tells me “ watch and trust behavior”
    His behavior has changed in some ways, he doesn't take his phone into the bathroom for 45 mins every morning anymore, he doesn't take his phone into the bathroom at his parents now (which was everyday cause he picked our son up after work or visiting), he doesn't go to bed before me, when he's upset and goes for a walk or drive he doesn't take his phone, he uninstalled instagram and reddit.. so he has made changes in ways to try and prove he doesn't watch it anymore, but other things havent changed at all.
    "
     
  12. Shatteredsoul

    Shatteredsoul Fapstronaut

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    He would watch and edge without O. So I'm not sure.
     
  13. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

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    There are just so many red flags that he’s still using. Addicts don’t just quit, it’s never just easy, but that is what they say when they are still using. It helps get you off their back. It seems odd to you because in your gut you know it isn’t true. Accountability apps and blockers are pretty useless except to help the addict who is committed to stopping, they don’t block porn they just make it a little harder to get to. Accountability apps will miss so much. Plus many addicts have secret laptops, secret phones, downloaded content on flash drives etc. Some of the changes you will see .... my husband can’t keep his hands off me. Compliments me pretty much every day. In 27 years he maybe complimented me 5 times? At 3 weeks clean he went through pretty severe withdrawals, snappy, anxious, unhappy, he yelled at an old man on the elevator and my husband never yells. At 4 months clean pied was gone ( he had it for 5 years!) de was gone ( he had that our entire marriage even on our honeymoon). All defensiveness left, he started taking responsibility for the hurt he caused me and himself. He talks daily with me about where he’s at in recovery, when he is struggling, he attends 3 sa meetings a week and has only missed 1 in a year and a half. He goes to counseling 2x a month. His dick is bigger, softer and much better color, he has more hair and his voice is much deeper, even my parents said something about it sounding gruffer. Eyes are brighter and he looks healthier. He initiates sex!!! 3 times a week, this was a guy who avoided me like the plague in the bedroom and told me no 9 times out of 10 if I asked for sex. He’s taken a polygraph to prove to me that he has indeed been honest. He listens to me never getting defensive or angry when I tell him about my triggers caused from betrayal trauma that he caused. He puts me first. I’m still seeing him change a year and a half later. He’s so present and so much more aware of everything. He is literally a different man. He asked if he could pray with me! Not once in 28 years would he do this, no matter how much I asked. That was just the other night. They change. When they quit using they change. Now could my husband relapse? Absolutely. Will I know if he does and he hides it? Probably not right away but definitely will know pretty quick, my gut is pretty good and now that I’ve seen the changes, I’m sure I’ll know soon enough. He still struggles! If he’s tired, got a headache, can’t sleep, stressed from work all of these are major stressors. If we have sex sometimes he gets a chaser, not every time but often enough that he is extra cautious after sex. His boss is his accountability partner, so he’s good about talking with him every day. Then he has 6 other ap’s that he can call at any time from his group. Recovery is hard work, it takes commitment and work. Addicts don’t just one day quit and never “ think about that” again. I think you know that. Most importantly, it has nothing to do with you. It isn’t about how you look or who you are, it’s his shortcomings, his addiction. He had this addiction long before he met you, it’s about him not you.
     
  14. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

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    Another huge change , my husband would bicker over everything with me. He would always say I was “ criticizing” him if I made a suggestion that was different than his. He would start an argument over the smallest things. He would get so angry if I had a different opinion than him. I don’t quite know how to explain it, but now, we work as a team and he listens. I mean we still occasionally disagree but it’s different.
     
  15. Real Roboin

    Real Roboin Fapstronaut

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    Are you at all intimate? If not your in a partnership not a relationship.
     
  16. Shatteredsoul

    Shatteredsoul Fapstronaut

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    Sounds like your husband has drastically changed throughout his recovery! I'm happy that you are treated the way you should be now! I see what you mean now, that they completely change...he sounds really committed to recovery and your marriage. That is so great!

    Yeah, I did think it was odd that it was so simple for him to stop because I've read about all these guys on here struggling to stop, he told me its easy because he can see the damage and hurt it has caused and he doesn't want to be that person anymore.
    He gets up 3hrs before me in the morning to shower and start working, thats the only time he has alone, I mean he could have sd cards with porn on them, but I think its unlikely since I've thoroughly looked everywhere for sd cards and other phones. Maybe I've missed something..

    The first few times we tried to have sex he had PIED, I jokingly told him to stop watching porn so much, then he never had a problem with getting an erection as long as he is being touched (doesn't get one if I'm naked or doing things to myself still , but will now if hes touching me TMI)
    When he first stopped PM last year he had PE a few times. He also never initiated sex before, I did everyday and it was always about him, never me, but since I found out he was a PA I stopped initiating and we've only had sex like 12 times in 8 months! (Granted 2.5 of those months I couldnt due to having surgeries) but still, that's ridiculous! Even tho it rarely happens now he makes sure I O before we even have sex, something he never once did before (before once he finished everything just stopped, didnt matter)
    How your husband rarely would compliment you before and now does is great! My bf has never complimented me before or now.. I've worn some pretty dresses to weddings, parties etc.(I thought for sure each time he would take notice and he didnt). I do my hair, nails, makeup, get pedicures, stay in shape, etc I take care of my appearance is what I'm trying to say and he doesnt even look twice at me. He complimented his ex-gf's all the time though so he is capable..(I'm not shallow, I know who I am inside, it would just be nice to get validation on the outside under these circumstances)

    My ex-husband was opposite, he used to PMO and still wanted to have sex with me all the time, complimented me everyday... if I didnt accidentally find porn many times I would have never suspected.. he still tells our son that he thinks I'm one of the most beautiful women he's ever seen and told me I looked nice in my dress last month, last year he texted me to apologize for ruining our marriage, how badly he regrets it everyday, he told me he stopped watching P and hates it because he lost our family over it and told me when he thought about it, it is creepy and disgusting (he watched because I would turn him down and i would turn him down from the hurt of it, so it was a never ending cycle, so we didn't have sex or even kiss for the last 3yrs we were married)
    So when I compare two different people who watched it, they are completely different. My bf has always been gentle with me, the way he speaks to me, makes sure I'm emotionally ok etc.. my exh wasn't so much in those ways

    Just curious if you dont mind me asking, what did he want you to pray with him about?
     
    Last edited: May 27, 2020
  17. Shatteredsoul

    Shatteredsoul Fapstronaut

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    He is affectionate, he kisses me all the time even in random places like my arm or head.. he gives me a foot and hand massage every night... if you mean sex, rarely.. probably equals out to be once every 4- 6 weeks or so.
     
  18. Shatteredsoul

    Shatteredsoul Fapstronaut

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    Thank you for the message. I know I need to work on myself. I've read your message a few times, hopefully some of it will sink in.
     
  19. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

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    This sounds so much like my husband was. He was so affectionate outside the bedroom. It use to make me angry, to be honest. I felt like it was a daily bait and switch. Hug, kiss, hold hands say how much he loved me.... then turn his back in the bedroom. Literally, get in bed, with his back to me and avoid all contact!
     
  20. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

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    He wanted to pray about how thankful he was, how blessed he was and to thank God for his family. Then he also asked for healing for me. I struggle with resentment and anger right now, that it took him so long to wake up.
     

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