Journal - Maybe one day I will be...

I had that, it was like why do that if no sex. It was bait here also but for nothing on the hook.

 

Its awful when they do that, mine was the same way!

 

I can hear the sorrow behind your anger. If your husband is like me, he probably also regrets that it took him so long to wake up and you're both in grief, as my wife and me are. It's such a devastating addiction.
My wife is still dealing with her grief, I am too and we are working on it in counseling together. After a year of each of us trying to process emotions and me understanding what happened and changing my life, we're starting what feels like a new relationship and is completely different in many respects. I wish you will be able to do that with your husband or another person who hasn't got the burden of PA.

 

He regrets it more than words can say. Now that he’s been clean, he sees himself in a far different light of the kind of husband he has been. He doesn’t like what he sees and he’s working hard to be the man God designed and called him to be. We too, have what feels like and honestly is a new and different relationship. Counseling has helped. I will never, ever, be in a romantic relationship again. I will never say wedding vows again. He once asked me to renew our vows, I told him no. I meant them the first time and clearly he did not, so why would I ever do that again? The man he is now, a year and a half later, is a man that any woman would be proud and happily married to. I pray he continues in his recovery. My recovery may take longer, lol.

 

I think so too. In a book about PA I read that it is toughest for the partners. And knowing how hard it is for me, I can see how hard it must be for my wife as it is for you. The secrecy is the worst, she says, not knowing, not being informed all those years. In hindsight I am wondering why I didn't tell her while there were so many chances. My mind was tricking me, I guess. Not as an excuse, but as a matter of fact.

 

Yes, the first 5 years of our marriage, I thought I was going crazy. Once I discovered what he was doing, I was relieved to know that I wasn’t crazy and my gut instinct was right. Unfortunately, there wasn’t any help or even any understanding of porn/sex addiction, so he continued. The lies were and are the worst. He’s been a year and a half clean, my gut is always right, but learning to believe it has been hard. His recovery really started 5 years ago, not addressing porn at that time but him working through depression, ocd, adhd. Then a year and a half ago we discovered it was an addiction and that was when he started seeing a csat and going to sa groups. He has been growing/healing by leaps and bounds, me not so much. My csat says this is very normal. She said 3-5 years for me. She said once the addict hits 2 years clean the odds of relapse is very small.

 

Are you ok? I have been in your shoes, I am so sorry your in this position.

 

A penis that does not work, wrecks our self confidence and makes us feel horrible..

 

A non normal sex life makes us nuts too!