Journal of a wife with husband PMO, prostitutes and affairs. And two young children.

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by Square79, Apr 24, 2018.

  1. Cant Sleep

    Cant Sleep Fapstronaut

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    I’m so upset for you, reading stories like yours helps others like myself not let these issues get out of control. you’re certainly not a fool. i would have done the same, just hope it solves itself. but then it doesn’t. sex issues are so unlike all other maritial issues. and therapy sounds like the best solution. i hope it gets better for you.
     
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  2. Square79

    Square79 Fapstronaut

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    @cantsleep yes.. I hope this helps other Sex addicts to strive for quitting.
    It is SO much pain - I can not believe that his joy with prostitutes over all those years are at balance with my pain now.
    He knew I would not accept or tolerate prostitutes in our life. I always said that for me those men are disgusting. Eploiting poor girls, who have had much better dreams in their life, than undressing in dirty brothels for old Men and getting fucked for money. Human trafficing, red light district, Mafia, he supported all this with his behavior for years. Everything I oppose to.

    I was a positive, loving, beautiful, smiling wife, full of self-esteem, warm hearted, honorable, peaceful Parenting & attachment Parenting our kids, breastfeeding, Baby wearing, proud, humorously..

    And now.. Day 6 after full disclosure.. I am just an empty shell. I am terrible to my children, lost the feeling for myself.

    At the first days I was like in a shock.. Knowing everything but could not really realize it. Now in full extent it hits me like a car crash.

    My hubby in the meantime is doing good. He is doing sport every day, looks better now, just has his trigger moments a few times per day but is very committed.

    That's the unfair thing: for him now all is better, for me now all is the worst thing that ever, ever happened to my life.
     
  3. Yes..this is the common reaction: the PA feels better for "coming clean" and the SO is left dazed, confused, to pick up the pieces of a shattered life. You are not alone.

    You are in the very beginning stages of Betrayal Trauma...please take time for yourself, read not only about porn addiction but about betrayal trauma and what working through that looks like.

    The bad news is there is no "quick fix" that I am aware of.
    The good news is you can and you will get through this.

    NoFap has many good resources and links to blogs, articles, YouTube videos. And the community here is full of hurting people at various stages of experience and recovery. If you haven't started a journal -- start one .. write in it daily .. record your feelings and how you are processing things---I have found that super valuable.

    Do you have any friends or close family that you can talk to in person...to come alongside you and support you?
     
  4. Square79

    Square79 Fapstronaut

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    @tryinghardtochange this IS my journal :))

    And yes. You are right, I need to focus more on my own healing.
    As I can't do his.

    I will look for resscouces for "Betrayal Trauma".

    Tomorrow we will go on a few days hideaway long weekend.. Just the two of us.

    We want to see Douglas Weiss' video "Helping her heal" together.
     
  5. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

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    That is a crap book. It places blame on the victim. Here is a synopsis:

    You picked your husband/boyfriend/significant other because there is something wrong with you. You are emotionally damaged from your family of origin or a previous relationship or because you were abused or (insert reason here) so you are at fault for your circumstances and will have to get your shit figured out before you can ever have a normal relationship. If only you had known you were screwed up before you met your current PA, you would have recognized that he was a PA, or at least not accepted that for yourself, and had a much happier life. It's not possible for you to have ended up with a screwed up liar that was so good (he) was able to hide it for years if you had a normal life and are well adjusted. Because if it is, a very large area of my therapy is null and void and I will lose a lot of money, including revenue from this book.


    *****
    Now I'm not saying that it doesn't happen that way, because sometimes it does. But the book, and most therapists, seem to suggest that it is always that way, without exception. They will tell you it's not your fault and then give you books like this and ask you about your relationship with your father, et al, to tell you why you ended up with this person and then charge you big bucks to try to fix you. They speak with forked tongue and make already traumatized SOs believe they are more damaged than they really are. This is very dangerous to already vulnerable people.
     
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  6. My wife has absolutely loved thay book...and I don't think it has placed ANY blame on her.

    Actually, a second copy of that book just showed up in the mail and I am going to read it. (My wife's copy has too many personal details in the exercises that she filled out...she doesn't want me reading those things right now)

    So I'm not sure how you came up with that synopsis...my wife has identified quite well with that book -- and it IS helping her understand things from her past and helping her heal and grow.

    I can't wait to read the book -- I know my mom screwed me up pretty bad...and that is still a very unresolved relationship.
     
  7. self healing

    self healing Fapstronaut

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    I have never read the book, and have no opinion specifically to offer on it. Self-help books that place the onus on the betrayed party speak, I think, to some people who want to believe they have the power to control someone else's behavior. Of course partners affect one another. A popular saying from Al-Anon applies: You didn't cause it; you can't control it; you can't cure it.
     
  8. hope4healing

    hope4healing Fapstronaut

    I recommend "Your Sexually Addicted Spouse" by Barbara Steffens and Marshall Means. It's very good about helping you understand your feelings and the things that happen with you through this process.
     
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  9. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

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    THIS is, by far, one of the best books you will find to address Betrayal Trauma. It gets right to the heart of the matter and will really start the healing process.
     
  10. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

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    I am aware of who Patrick Carnes is. With all due respect, the program you have been through is for PAs, not for SOs so while your intentions may be very good, some of your advice may not be quite on the mark.
     
  11. Square79

    Square79 Fapstronaut

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    Guys, thank you so much for your time with this.

    I just bought BOTH books and will see what they can help me.

    I can. It stand the idea. That it was somehow my mistake and I am sure, it was not. I am not co-addict, my heart is true. I was always full of love and trust, did not lie, Bo betrayal.. He could be absolutely sure about me and neither my browser history nor my mobile phone was a secret.

    My husband told me, there was no way I could have stopped it. He is addicted and he would do anything to hide it and lie to me to make his addiction stay safe.

    He protected his Porn and Sex addiction. He did not protect me at all.
    This is very hurtful.

    I have both books now (iphone audio books) and will listen to them shortly. Thanks for your precious advice.
     
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  12. hope4healing

    hope4healing Fapstronaut

    Yes! I think nearly every SO clearly understands this very painful fact. It completely goes against everything you ever believed or expected from the one person you counted on most for safety/security. I hope the books bring you some much needed understanding of all this emotional chaos. They won't make it hurt less, but having more knowledge about it all seems to help somehow anyway.
     
  13. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

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    I'll say this one thing and then I'll get back on topic. You think very highly of yourself and tend to think you are above the rest of us, as though you have some sort of authority. Let me tell you, everyone on nofap is in a position to question your advice, if need be, just as everyone on nofap is in a position to question my advice. And so on... We are all equals here. You would do well to remember that.
     
  14. Square79

    Square79 Fapstronaut

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    So back to my journal.

    We had the weekend just for ourselves, without the kids.
    Had plenty of time and talked and talked all the time. Went for a lot of walks, enjoyed some precious moments in the sunshine.

    It was upset and downs all the time. Sometimes I felt so connected with him, just as if nothing happened at all. Then I wanted to leave him as soon as possible and I was even checking flats to rent.
    It is so chaotic. It's driving me insane.

    I have terrible headaches and my heart feels like a crime scene of a massacre.

    I am so sad, I am no longer the person I used to be.

    We watched only 30 minutes of "Help her heal" and it was so spot on! But was tough.. We had to Pause it.

    Will continue on another day.

    Back home we met some nice neighbors and it was impossible to me to be that kind person to them, chatting in a nice way. I am no longer this happy person, untroubled and warmharted.
    I can't turn to my children, I have no patience with them just want all the world to stop and leave me alone.

    My life and myself changed upside down.
     
  15. I am so sorry that you are having to walk through this ... these are common feelings / reactions that SO's go through--the way you described the first part is so spot on.

    This is a LONG road of recovery...the PA has his recovery; you have your own recovery; and maybe/(hopefully?) the marriage relationship has its own recovery. You are just at the beginning stages....it is not a quick-turnaround situation; you need to process and grieve and everything else in the process.

    Please continue to come back to NoFap / write in your journal / this community is full of hurting people who care and want to help you along your journey.
     
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  16. Square79

    Square79 Fapstronaut

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    Update, I only feel so sad and hollow.
    Like dead inside.
    Can't stand the kids around. Can't stand contact wigh neighbors or anyone.

    Considering anti-depressiva now.
     
    hope4healing likes this.
  17. Hang in there.

    Do you have any close friends that you can lean on / talk to / etc. about everything you are going through?
     
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  18. hope4healing

    hope4healing Fapstronaut

    :( I understand how you're feeling. It's horrible when you just want to crawl in a corner and tell everyone to go away while you cry from the pain. Everyday tasks seem impossible, and nearly everything makes you feel more on edge. As awful as it is, it's normal to feel this way at this point. While there are many ups and downs throughout this process (seemingly more downs for awhile), healing is possible but takes time. Have you been able to read any of the book yet, "Your Sexually Addicted Spouse?" If you get a chance to, it really helps to explain all the things you're feeling and experiencing, and, although it doesn't make it hurt less, it does seem helpful to at least be able to understand the things you're going through.

    I know this is so difficult and painful. I'm sorry you're going through it. Hang in there, and remember, we're all here when you need us.
     
  19. Square79

    Square79 Fapstronaut

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    Thank you so much.

    The book is on my to do list# but I can not do anything right now.
    My whole activity today was hanging around weak, eating a little bit and going to bed. I enjoyed a long shower today.
    This was it.

    Today it was a public holiday here, and my husband took care of the kids big time. Went to the playgrounds, prepared lunch and dinner, taking a bath with them in the evening.
    He never did this before, and it was a big support.. A Support that I Ofen wished for in the past.

    So I had some time for me, and today I had one thoughts of leaving him.

    I booked a hotel again got the weekend Friday to Sunday, just for us two, to talk.. Without the two young kids around needing our attention all the time.

    The last weekend helped a lot, so I decided to do it again.
    We will continue to watch "Helping her heal" and will go for some walks, some time at the lakeside.. Just the two of us.

    I am shocked that he had around 100 whores in his life, about 60 of them while being my partner.
    This hurts me so so so deep.
     
  20. Square79

    Square79 Fapstronaut

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    Crying for hours now.
    It is such a tremendous pain I have the feeling I can not stand it, I can't survive this.

    I read this text and it is Oh so true.
    ---
    Every betrayed partner is dealt two blows at once when they discover their spouse’s sexual behavior. Blow number one is the gut punch of betrayal; a breathtaking breach in trust that changes your relationship in permanent ways. Blow number two is the shocking realization that your partner has been extravagantly and expertly lying and manipulating reality in order to cover up their behaviors. These blows smash into your heart and in an instant plunge you into a whole new world.

    When I experienced this, in seconds, the person who I depended on and was deeply connected to went from being a source of support and companionship to being a source of pain, fear and deep uncertainty. My relationship, which had created a stable base from which I was able to operate in the world, was suddenly a rickety, wobbly mess.

    Here is what I wished I had known then about what was happening to me. This is the science behind the tsunami of feelings betrayed partners so often experience.

    Getting Attached
    When we pair up into long-term relationships we begin a process of bonding with one another that is a beautiful and profound intertwining of two lives. In this mysterious attachment, we actually start to physically operate as one biological organism. The book Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachmentsays, “Numerous studies show that once we become attached to someone, the two of us form one physiological unit. Our partner regulates our blood pressure, our heart rate, our breathing and the levels of hormones in our blood.”

    As our bond grows through perhaps getting married, combining our homes, having children together, or working toward common goals, we become more and more interdependent with one another. This is not codependency I’m talking about. This is healthy, normal, mutual dependency. It is what makes relationships fulfilling and sought after.

    We all want this special someone to attach to and intermingle our lives with. In fact, attachment researchers talk about the paradox of attachment saying, “The more effectively dependent people are on one another, the more independent and daring they become,” (Attached). So the better our relationships are in terms of providing us with a sense of, “I can depend on you” the more we are able to move fully into the rest of our lives, face insecurity and take risks. In this way our adult relationships mirror our relationship with our parents as children; both, when functioning well, provide us with a secure base from which we can enter our worlds with confidence.

    Breaking Bad
    If it is true that when we attach to someone healthy and functional, it feels good and provides a sense of security, grounding, safety and wholeness, then the opposite is also true. When we attach to someone who is perhaps say, sexually addicted, it can affect our physical, mental, emotional and spiritual health in teeth rattling ways.

    Instead of grounding us, it puts us in free fall. Instead of security we experience fear. Because our partner has caused us such deep pain, they now feel like a threat to our well-being rather than a source of comfort and rest. Sue Johnson, the founder of Emotionally Focused Therapy for Couples says that betrayal traumas, “overwhelm coping capacities and define the…relationship, as a source of danger rather than a safe haven in times of stress.”

    When that special someone that we have bonded with betrays us it messes us up because all of a sudden the person who is our ‘secure base’ in the world has caused us untold pain and robbed us of our sense of safety. The relationship we thought was safe now feels painful and threatening.

    This profound and sudden change in our sense of security and connection sends our bodies into panic and lights up the fear center in our brain like a giant Christmas tree. When our fear center goes into overdrive our ability to think and reason diminishes quickly and our ability to function takes a nose dive. This is the trauma part of betrayal trauma. It is the enormous fear and panic response that our bodies are plunged into when our bond with our partner is threatened or severed.

    For most betrayed partners this experience is not short-lived. Betrayal has long-term impacts on the ability to trust, to feel safe, and to reconnect and re-engage with openness and vulnerability.

    ---

    I will never heal. I am destroyed forever.
     

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