Journal of a wife with husband PMO, prostitutes and affairs. And two young children.

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by Square79, Apr 24, 2018.

  1. I am so sorry for your pain. There is very little that I think I can say that will help. Processing all the pain and emotions of betrayal trauma is a long, laborious process. I hope this forum can be a place where you can read and learn, write and express your feelings and fear and pain, and hopefully slowly over time heal.
     
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  2. Bogo Biggins

    Bogo Biggins Fapstronaut

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    Hi, I read this post, and I almost cried so much for you. I picture you in tears and I think of my wife. Oh what a terrible thing sexuality is.

    Your husband is really, really unwell. I am similar to him but fortunately I have not taken things as far as he has. I am 40 days clean now, and I am convinced the secret is to kick masterbation as well as any vices. If he still masterbates it will just reinforce his behaviour, this is my experience.

    There are major physiological and psychological things he can do to stop himself constantly destroying himself sexually, but he has to want to do them. First and foremost are diet, exercise, sleep, stress, and of course alcohol. He has to get all these right.

    This PMO addiction is so destructive. You sound like a wonderful person.
     
  3. Bogo Biggins

    Bogo Biggins Fapstronaut

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    It is like a bereavment: the husband you thought you had has recently died. He will never come back. That is what you are suffering from now, bereavement. Anyone who has had a love one die will know this.

    You now need to get to know this new person. You have a right to ask yourself, honestly "is this someone I want to know?".
     
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  4. Square79

    Square79 Fapstronaut

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    Dear Bogo!

    You are absolutely right! Is is exactly like this!! What an interesting perspective.
    Yes. This is absolutely true!
    The husband I thought to have, died! All my dreams died - because I built my dreams around him.

    Yes this is why I feel so much sorrow. But of course also for all the pain and indignity with his prostitutes and affairs. This hurts me so much.
    The daily pmo feels like the littles thing. The regular brothel visits, his encounters with prostitutes, escorts and so on really hurt me so, so deep. It feels like dying inside. My heart feels so forever wounded and bleeding. It is intense and really cruel.

    We are in a quiet hotel now again.. Talking about his childhood, findings with his inner child.. This is interesting and might explain his heavy addiction for more than 40 years now, always increasing the dose, until D-Day now end of April.

    We don't want the kids to be involved or in stress, that's why we went to the hotel, to be able to talk and discuss.
     
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  5. Bogo Biggins

    Bogo Biggins Fapstronaut

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    The thing about bereavement is you need to give yourself time to grieve properly.

    I remember when my mother died, I was a mess for months. I took a full year to 'get over it'. Of course you never are fully over it.

    So even forgetting about your husband, you are going to need to think about yourself. Please don't forget this.

    You have a lot of difficulties and this is why you are going to need to be really careful. Your children need to be loved too.

    You will have to get to know this new husband of yours slowly but surely. He is the father of your children, and you understandably will want to start a new relationship with him if you can save your marriage. But he isn't the same person who just died, and he never can be.

    He needs to studiously start to try to solve his really quite serious illness. Beating PMO and sex addiction needs to be handled like a military operation: he has to engage with you in meticulous planning, and take a holistic approach. His whole life has to change right now. It is an illness, he must understand this. Our society unfortunately dosnt treat this anywhere like with the seriousness it deserves. It isn't just cheating.

    I wish you well. Be proud of yourself - you are clearly an incredible person.
     
  6. Square79

    Square79 Fapstronaut

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    Weekend was full or emotional up and downs. I am really going crazy.

    We had moments where we could hug and embrace each other..and others where I wanted to leave him immediately and forever.

    It is a Rollercoaster through hellfire.

    Today he was able to disclose some more things, that showed that he started cheating on me way earlier than he admitted before.

    He also disclosed some of his evil plans he had and some earlier prostitutes encounters.

    It breaks my heart that he did that to me.

    I will go to a yoga retreat at the sea soon, 16-21 may, just me. To find some inner balance and maybe a little peace of mind. I have severe headaches and my heart is nothing but a bleeding foubtain. I often feel I can not cope at all. It takes more strengh and energy than I have. It is a pure nightmare.
     
  7. Yes, the rollercoaster is abrupt and painful ... and unfortunately, it has no clear ending in sight. But, each day--one day at a time--you will get through it. Your upcoming retreat sounds exactly like what you need: time alone to think, relax, read/reflect.

    So sorry for this difficult chapter in your life. But you will get through it. Keep coming back to NoFap / I hope the support and resources you find here will help you along your painful journey.
     
  8. Wow I've just read your thread, I am so so sorry you are going through this, it sounds like an absolute nightmare. There is no way on earth I would stay in a relationship with a man who is sleeping with his secretaries (or any other woman for that matter) and going to brothels, you are the most compassionate and forgiving partner I have ever read about.

    I would say, make sure that he is a sex addict rather than a sociopath. A lot of sociopaths pretend to be sex addicts to keep their partners hooked into a toxic, cruel relationship where they cheat indiscriminately as well as abuse, whereas a sex addict has a genuine addiction that they want to heal. Look up red flags of the sociopath/narcissist, a lady called Dana runs a forum called Thrive After Abuse with an excellent series called 'red flags of the narcissist' on youtube which should help clarify the distinction.

    Having being in a relationship with a sociopath who cheated on me with multiple partners, men as well as women I believe, as well as abused me, I feel your pain. It was literally the worst experience of my life. Please be very kind to yourself, put your self care as no. 1 priority and never blame yourself for any of this.
     
  9. Bogo Biggins

    Bogo Biggins Fapstronaut

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    I agree with this.

    My father was a sociopath. In the end he left my mother, he used to treat her appallingly.

    People have to realise there are socio/psychopaths out there. They really do not understand normal humanity. If you are unlucky enough to get stuck with one of these nutters you should run, keep running, and never look back.
     
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  10. Bogo Biggins

    Bogo Biggins Fapstronaut

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    To be fair he sounds like scum. You have to put you and your kids first.

    I hate saying this kind of thing, by the way, but I an concerned for you.

    P.s. If you are using the word 'evil' here in the way I think you are, you may even need to think about going to the police. But for God's sake, urgently seek protection for yourself and your children.
     
    Last edited: May 6, 2018
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  11. Square79

    Square79 Fapstronaut

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    Bogo, his evil plans are not against the law. It's just against moral and truth.

    He and his so called friend thought about getting another mobile, so they could contact Escort-Girls without the danger of giving their private cell phone numbers. They thought about booking Escort-Girls to a hotel room in town. The other guy, his friend (of course toxic friend! My husband knows the friendship is over) also has two kids and a wonderful wife.

    So, unfortunately, I can't go for the police.

    And yes. My husband always looked for affairs, Sex, Prostitutes, Massage parlors, Escort-Girls... It makes me so sick.
    For many years, during all the life and pregnancy of my son and most of the life of my daughter.

    While I was the true, deeply loving wonderful wife, taking extraordinary dedicated care of the kids, cooked his tasty dinners prepared with love , was a wonderful Partner when representing our family. Gave him massages when he came home,... Happy, positive, satisfied, beautiful, Sexually open and active, charming, gorgeous wife, proud and honorable. Nothing left.
     
    Last edited: May 6, 2018
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  12. We are allowed our opinions Ghost Writer, just as you are allowed yours. I am involved in a community that supports victims of sociopaths and her story has many similarities to the stories in that community, so I was offering my support with regards to that. Only the OP knows in her heart the truth about her husband and can make any decisions about her life but different people are entitled to offer different viewpoints in order to help her recovery.
     
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  13. Jason Russo NYC

    Jason Russo NYC Fapstronaut

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    All I can say is, my ex-wife was a PA/SA, cheated on me multiple times and always promised to stop.

    Leaving her, finalizing my divorce, was the best decision I have ever made for myself and my son.

    I highly suggest you do the same.
     
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  14. Bogo Biggins

    Bogo Biggins Fapstronaut

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    I agree using the word scum was uneccessary. It was a knee jerk term I shouldn't have used.

    The psychopath and sociopath terms are real words for real people who do exist in real life. Some of us have had close family relationships with these people...in my case, following on from @Cerwiden , I wanted to just confirm that dealing with such a person is a whole different ball game.

    @Square79 is in a really difficult place right now. I really hope she can salvage her marriage and that her husband can change for the better. But he has treated her appallingly.
     
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  15. Bogo Biggins

    Bogo Biggins Fapstronaut

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    I am really relieved, thanks for this detail @Square79.

    On the positive side, he has at least now opened up to you and given you all the details of the years of lies and deceit.

    The pain you are going through is phenomenal. I have never been treated anything like as badly as this by anyone. Can your heart heal from this? That is the biggest uncertainty, I think.

    My psychopathic father treated by mother the same way. On top of that he was always violent towards her and me as a child in the family. He really should have gone to jail.

    I would say the only glimmer of hope for your marriage is if he can completely turnover control of his life to you for the forseeable future. Is this even possible though? The mobile phone story you tell us is just one example of how easy it is to deceive if someone really wants to. In my case, I have given complete financial control of our lives to my wife. My salary is paid into a joint bank account, I have no single name credit cards etc, so she knows every penny I spend. In your case you might even consider giving him a daily pocket money allowance in real cash .. But if he wanted to he could save this up secretly and then spend this on vice. So the whole thing, no matter what is done, relies on his honest and heartfelt desire to change.

    I don't think you will ever be able to trust him again, and just one future tiny (to him) act of deceit will have a huge impact on you.

    I do understand your husband on one level. I have walked dangerously close to the edge of the same precipice that he has leapt into. So I am not in a position to judge his actions.
     
    Last edited: May 7, 2018
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  16. Square79

    Square79 Fapstronaut

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    It's my son's second birthday today. He is so happy, smiling and exploring all the time.

    I am deeply sad, feel so helpless and lost - This betrayal for nearly all our life together with all the sickening and disgusting aspects - i feel I can't survive this at all. My life is a nightmare.
     
  17. Bogo Biggins

    Bogo Biggins Fapstronaut

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    You have to come through. Put yourself first. He wasn't thinking of you when he did those things he did. Use every bit of help you can get. Remember there are many women in your situation. Many have had to deal with worse things.
     
  18. I am so sorry you are dealing with this pain Square, it is truly the worst pain in the world. However, I hope I can offer you some hope that it gets better and you won't always feel like this. I left my partner a year ago and each move further towards healing. I'm not healed but so much better than I was and I'm not having to deal with his cheating, lies, threats and abuse anymore. I am safe and at peace most days and have boundaries protecting me.

    You sound like a wonderful loving wife and I can imagine many men would absolutely cherish and love you, they would never treat you like this. Obviously staying or going is your choice but my recommendation would be to leave because I am not sure how you could trust a man who has deceived you so badly and put your mind, body and soul at risk like this. I'd also be worried he will just find better ways of hiding his affairs etc if you stay with him and you deserve much better than that.
     
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  19. Thanks for the clarification @GhostWriter. I think we will have to agree to disagree on this one. I personally would see it as a gain for her and her children to separate if he is a sociopath, she can go onto heal and meet someone who would never treat her like this. Her children would grow up with a happy, healed and loving mother. If he is a sex addict rather than a sociopath then salvaging may be possible, but the extent of the betrayal is deep.

    I think it's important not to minimise his behaviour - he has slept with 100 prostitutes, escorts and been having affairs with secretaries for years as well as lying and deceiving her the whole time. This contrasts greatly with a man who for example just watched a lot of porn but has never cheated.

    I have spoken to many women who have stayed in these sorts of marriages and bitterly regretted it as they reach the end of their lives with only lies, betrayal, pain and regret so that is where I am coming from. Anyway, it will be @Square79 's choice and I wish her all the best with whatever she decides and with her healing during this incredibly traumatic time.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: May 7, 2018
  20. Square79

    Square79 Fapstronaut

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    Yes, that's what I am also thinking..
    I could leave all the pain behind and start over with a new partner, who would of course never ever do such things to me!! I thought I had this kind of partner! I always detested guys who go to prostitutes.. Not knowing that I had a husband who was seeing prostitutes all the time. This is so hard to cope!

    So true! I would be more than HAPPY! if my husband only watched too much porn! He did that also, but much more.. This really breaks my hart into pieces.

    THIS is actually my biggest fear!
    That I will end up regretting it all.. That my whole life will turn into complete misery, filled with betrayals, more lies, more prostitutes, more Escort-Girls.. That he could start lying to me again and while pretending everything is fine, secretly starts it again.. This is unbearable.
    I have fear of not only living now a nightmare now.. But forever, if I don't quit when I should.
     
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