Journal of My Story..... Thoughts | Feelings | Healing | Partners Recovery

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by HonestyMatters, Sep 7, 2018.

  1. HonestyMatters

    HonestyMatters Fapstronaut

    Thanks @hope4healing , been having issues with husbands lack of empathy and validation over different issues and then lots going on with the kids and their teenage issues and behaviour..... just get overwhelmed with it all and the never-ending load of things to deal with in life in general...and work etc etc but yeah trying to hang in there. Hope you are going well too, thanks for caring xxx
     
  2. HonestyMatters

    HonestyMatters Fapstronaut

    Getting back to my journal again this evening. It's been a stressful couple of weeks but then has been improving over the last week. Husband & I went through a very rough couple of weeks and we had separate sleeping arrangements in place again. We have now reconciled and are trying to move forward, again. He has been keeping up with his IA recovery work and I can see him putting a lot of effort in most days so that is a definite positive. Our issues were related to me not feeling heard, understood or validated yet again. He just has no concept of how I feel at times and I just feel like my feelings often get negated and just seem so insignificant to him. So many arguments stem from this. I just hope this IA work really helps him and things can be different and so much better between us.

    So I have been keeping up the MA recovery work although I'm very unsure of the whole 12 step part of it. GW actually sent me some very helpful information and some 12 step alternatives rather than the more Godly ones so I am going to integrate those instead. The MA work has certainly got more involved but it's going well so far. My husband has been completing his 5C's and also doing his dailies. He's also connected with another person doing IA recovery for the daily calls so I'm very pleased that he reached out and did this and is staying committed to the program.

    I've started listening to the The Presence Process audiobook and I also have the hardcopy as well. He is reading this book with his AP and he thought it's the kind of book I'd enjoy so I decided to read it too. I managed to get us both an audio version so he can listen on his drives and sometimes I just like to listen rather than read. I also decided to convert the Helping her Heal to an audio format so that he can listen to that on his drives to work too. I really hope he takes the time to listen to it a few times, because Doug really explains how it is for the betrayed spouse and how to help her and I really feel it's essential if we are to heal our marriage and be able to grow and move forward.

    I'm about to do some MA exercises and catch-up with my MA group meetings.

    Hope everyone is well!

    :emoji_sparkling_heart:
     
  3. HonestyMatters

    HonestyMatters Fapstronaut

    So for my MA Recovery work I have 3 sets of Alternative 12 Steps that I like and can far better understand and relate to.....

    I think I will draw from all 3 versions depending on which resonates best as I work through each step in the MA Program/Recovery. The way I see it, is there is no need to limit myself and they all have something good & profound to offer.

    The Buddhist 12 Steps:
    1. Practice acceptance: You can’t control certain things in your life. You lose a lot of energy trying to change things that are out of your control. Your futile attempt to change things you can’t control causes you stress. This can have negative consequences in your recovery. So work on accepting things, starting with you.
    2. Develop confidence: Life can be unstable and doesn’t provide a guarantee of anything. When you have faith and confidence, you are able to deal with whatever is thrown your way.
    3. Create a place of refuge: It starts as a physical place where you can feel safe or where you can decompress. Eventually, you can learn to find that peace anywhere.
    4. Make time for self-examination: It’s easy for us to be overly critical of ourselves, but that’s not healthy. Don’t be so hard on yourself. Instead, focus on your strengths and on things you can improve.
    5. Set up a self-honesty team: Sometimes we have a skewed view of reality. Having a support system that will tell you the truth and give you quality advice is valuable.
    6. Be willing to move past limitations: We all have strengths and weaknesses. Learning to optimize your strengths and not dwelling on your shortcomings helps you attain your goals.
    7. Cultivate a sense of humility: Admitting that you need help and be willing to receive advice helps you stay humble. This can be difficult because you may want to believe that you can do it all. Allow yourself to accept your imperfections.
    8. Have a forgiveness practice: Resentment can take a physical toll as well as plague our minds with negativity. Forgiving yourself and others will lift that weight off you.
    9. Give back where it’s the hardest: In active addiction (betrayal trauma), you hurt many people, especially those who are closest to you. Giving back to others can help right the wrongs of your past.
    10. Admit when you’re wrong: You’re not always right; if you were, then you wouldn’t get yourself in trouble or hurt others. Admitting when you’re wrong sometimes is humbling and prevents the “black and white” thinking of addiction (betrayal).
    11. Keep your spiritual life fresh: Whether you meditate, pray or do yoga, finding your spirituality help you grow in your recovery.
    12. Practice unconditional love every day: Loving and feeling compassion for others helps you stay grounded. You show your appreciation of others and of life when you practice unconditional love.

    The Humanist 12 Steps:

    1. We accept the fact that all our efforts to stop using (feeling betrayed) have failed.
    2. We believe that we must turn elsewhere for help.
    3. We turn to our fellow men and women, particularly those who have struggled with the same problem (betrayal).
    4. We have made a list of the situations in which we are most likely to use (be triggered)
    5. We ask our friends to help us avoid these situations.
    6. We are ready to accept the help they give us.
    7. We earnestly hope that they will help.
    8. We have made a list of the persons we have harmed and to whom we hope to make amends.
    9. We shall do all we can to make amends, in any way that will not cause further harm.
    10. We will continue to make such lists and revise them as needed.
    11. We appreciate what our friends have done and are doing to help us.
    12. We, in turn, are ready to help others who may come to us in the same way.


    The Agnostic 12 Steps:
    1. We admitted we were powerless over our addiction (our betrayal) - that our lives had become unmanageable
    2. Came to believe and to accept that we needed strengths beyond our awareness and resources to restore us to sanity
    3. Made a conscious decision to entrust our will and our lives to the care of the collective wisdom and resources of those who came before us
    4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves
    5. Admitted to ourselves, and to another human being, the exact nature of our wrongs
    6. Were ready to accept help letting go of all of our defects of character
    7. With humility and openness sought to eliminate our shortcomings
    8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all
    9. Made amends to such persons whenever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others
    10. Continued to take a personal inventory, and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it
    11. Sought through meditation to improve our spiritual awareness, and our understanding of a new way of life, and to discover the power to carry that out
    12. Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, tried to carry this message to other addicts (betrayed Partners) and to practice these principles in all of our affairs

    Where there's a will, there's a way....

    :emoji_peace:
     
  4. HonestyMatters

    HonestyMatters Fapstronaut

    It’s been a good weekend. Husband and I have been getting along well and connecting. We’ve been getting things done, and have been feeling loving and affectionate toward each other. It’s lovely when things just work and flow and we can feel at ease and just enjoy each other’s company. He fixed a water feature of mine just a little while ago which I’m so pleased about. It was given to me on Friday and it’s just gorgeous but the reservoir is too small so needs topping up with water too often. Anyhow, we thought we might be able to grind out the catchment in the base so it’s twice the size and he did a great job, very neat, straight edges, like it was meant to be. I’m so glad, he knows how particular I am and want everything symmetrical and spot on and he did a superb job!!!

    I’m currently listening to an audiobook The Six Pillars of Self Esteem. I started reading the book a while back but I’m not always motivated reading so I found the the audiobook for it. There happened to be one on YouTube and I also came across this guy Clarke Kegley who summarises some of the more popular books and he’d done one for the Six Pillars of Self Esteem so I thought I’d share it. It was a good little summary. I’m putting the full audio if anyone would like to watch it.





    Clarke Kegley’s actually got some other really great videos. I particularly like this one on Journalling. This one’s mainly directed at Men but he has an absolute stack of them on journalling, and using journals for the purpose of achieving your goals and dreams. I really liked them, well worth watching.

     
  5. HonestyMatters

    HonestyMatters Fapstronaut

    I finished listening to the Six Pillars of Self Esteem yesterday. It starts off a little slow but once it gets into the discussion of each pillar it's actually really interesting. It's jam packed with valuable insights and wisdom in raising ones self-esteem and how important it is to have in life.

    Improving my self-esteem is a goal I set for myself this year and so starting today, I am going to complete Nathaniel Branden's 30 week program using sentence completion stems. Each week there is a block of 4 - 6 stems to complete. Every morning I am to spend 10 minutes writing between 6 - 10 sentence completions for each stem. This is done Monday - Friday and then on the weekend you review your responses for the week and then complete another stem relating to your previous responses.

    The idea is to work as rapidly as possible without pausing to think, inventing something if you get stuck. Any ending is fine, the most important thing is to keep going. It shouldn't take any longer than 10 minutes to complete and if it does then I am thinking (rehearsing, calculating) too much. He says to try to empty your mind of any expectations concerning what will or should happen and not to impose any demands on the situation. The art of doing it well is to maintain a high level of mental focus combined with a complete lack of internal censorship. Doing the sentence completion on a daily basis is a kind of psychological discipline, a spiritual practice even, that over time achieves insight, integration and spontaneous behaviour change.

    The sentence stems all relate to the Six Pillars of Self-Esteem which are

    1) The Practice of Living Consciously
    2) The Practice of Self-Acceptance
    3) The Practice of Self-Responsibility
    4) The Practice of Self-Assertiveness
    5) The Practice of Living Purposefully
    6) The Practice of Personal Integrity

    So I've completed my first lot of stems for the day, it only took about 10 mins as he said. I did get stuck a few times but just kept repeating the sentence until something come to me without overthinking it.

    The kids are on school holidays here, so everything is out of routine which is nice change but I always find it throws me off getting things done. It's great to have them around more and to be able to just relax and spend time with them.

    Things are going well between Hubby and I and we are both still working through our MA / IA program. He's really feeling that his whole reason for turning away from me and turning to porn is in large due his Intimacy Anorexia behaviours. He's always found it extremely difficult to share his feelings and to connect on an emotional level. He's always preferred to keep himself at a distance and to withdraw. Whenever I've not been satisfied and felt our relationship was mentally and emotionally unfulfilling he would mostly blame me for our problems because I wanted too much or expected too much and all of it would just go away if I'd accept him for the way he is. He is starting to realise that even though he has been an IA for as long as he can remember and those behaviours suited him that he still wasn't really getting any of his emotional needs met either and more than likely why he turned to porn to try to fulfill them that way. So hopefully, with him dealing with his IA issues he may be able to get to the root causes for his PA. Last night he said that if he can learn to turn toward me more and build a better connection and bond between us, then he'll hopefully in time be able to completely eradicate any urge or thought to turn toward porn.

    So currently in his recovery work he has a few things he's focusing on. He has his Intimacy Anorexia program and also the Presence Process program that his completing with his AP. Since the IA & MA programs are quite individual and separate in their workings I have felt we are not really doing much together and I feel kind of left out. So I told him this and that I'd like to read a book together. We decided to read the Hold Me Tight - Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love book together by Sue Johnson. So far we've read chapter 1 and are taking turns in reading it out loud. Sue Johnson's approach is Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) and considering emotional connection has been the biggest downfall in our relationship especially due to his IA behaviours and PA, I hope that this will bring some valuable insight to both of us and help us to bond in a much more meaningful and healthy way.

    So for the coming months, I plan on reading the book with him, continuing with my Married & Alone Program, completing the Six Pillars of Self Esteem Program and also my CBT work for Anxiety that I've been doing for about a year now. I think we both have plenty to focus on there and hopefully it will all bring about positive change in both of us.

    This weekend, we are off to the Easter Show with the kids so that should be fun. It'll be crazy busy no doubt and I hate crowds but I'm looking forward to seeing all the cute animals and watching the different displays and things on. The kids are old enough now that we can go do our own thing. They'll just want to go on the rides for hours on end so we can enjoy some time together.
     
    Last edited: Apr 17, 2019
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  6. HonestyMatters

    HonestyMatters Fapstronaut

    I heard a great analogy yesterday. I had to take my youngest child to a youth psychologist as he's struggling with a number of issues lately, problems at school, smoking pot everyday, in trouble with the police and the latest he's been doing is cutting. The man he seen was lovely and my son liked him so I hope the coming weeks he'll be able to help guide him in a better direction. He was explaining to my son the process of how they work there and said I'd like to draw something because it's easier to understand my point. He drew two mountains, and then him climbing up one mountain and my son climbing up the other. He said we are both here in life dealing with all our stuff and our problems, he said I'm not perfect and I have stuff I'm trying to work out and goals that I'd like to achieve etc....he said we are both trying to get to the top of our mountains and I'm not here to force you or to make you do anything that you don't want to do. I'm only here to make some suggestions, maybe give you some ideas, or help you see some things you may not be able to see right now. He said but there's one thing we both need to understand. He said at no point am I ever going to climb down my mountain and come and push you up yours and at no point will I ever expect you to climb down yours to help push me up my mountain. He said what we can do though, is call out to one another and help each other take the next step. He said, I might see a ledge or crevice that I can guide you to grab on to because you may be to close to even see it and you might do the same for me. We can encourage and support and be there for one another, and help each other get to the top.

    When I heard that Analogy, I just loved it!! And I've thought about it a lot since.

    Over the past near decade, I can't count how many times I have climbed down my own mountain at my own expense to help push my husband up his own mountain in relation to his porn addiction, his masturbation addiction and his intimacy anorexia. Although I'm more aware of it these days, his problems and how they affect me, still gets in the way of me being able to be the best person I can possibly be and to reach my full potential and to achieve everything I can as a person. His issues still get me down, I still suffer trauma, I still have so much uncertainty of the future and it has hugely affected my self esteem, my happiness, my inner peace and just everything really - frame of mind, anxiety....the list could go on. But yeah, it was a great ANALOGY I thought.....and today's message to myself. I am not climbing down my mountain ever again to help push my husband or anyone else for that matter to get up there's. I'm exhausted and I'm not getting anywhere in my own life. From now on I'm focusing and climbing up my own mountain ALWAYS!! I'll help support and suggest idea's where I can but ultimately it's him that has to push himself up and be the driving force up his own mountain!!! And my son too of course has to do that, but yeah I just couldn't help but apply this to my Adult Child as well.
     
    Last edited: May 30, 2019
  7. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

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    Excellent...and I mean FREAKIN EXCELLENT POST. Way ta go. I agree 100% with the mountain analogy. Good for you for receiving the the message and passing it on.
    Thank you so much. (I’m smiling for you).
     
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  8. Rock_Star

    Rock_Star Fapstronaut

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    I like the mountain analogy for the idea of the councilor, but personally as a parent and a husband I like to think I'm climbing the same mountain with my family. helping them, supporting them, carrying them when they need me. the hardest part is knowing when they are nothing more then dead weight. when they aren't getting up and working on climbing the mountain too. everybody is climbing the mountain and I know if i slip i want my partner to be there next to me to catch me and not let me fall. just like i want to be there for her and catch her if she slips cause i dont want her to fall. if all you're doing though is carrying you partner up the mountain and I can only imagine how exhausted you must be. good luck and I hope he figures out that while you guys are trying to climb this exceptionally steep part of your mountain he needs to help you climb as well or he's going to get left behind.
     
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  9. HonestyMatters

    HonestyMatters Fapstronaut

    Yes I agree @Rock_Star in more ways than one it's definitely , or should be the same mountain in a marriage / family but I was kind of looking at it I guess from an individual point of view , where even though we are married we still are our own individual people and we can never lose sight of that , otherwise we are nothing but co-dependent really. But really , I think you are right too.... I think there's our own mountain and also the mountain we climb together....both exist in reality. And yes , no-one wants a dead weight, life's too short hey....and yeah it does always feel one sided, me trying to help him with all his issues, me being the support and I don't always feel I get the same back....all of these battles he has , it feels like he can be very self absorbed and selfish.....

    edit: And you know the more I think about what your saying, climbing the same mountain, I guess you know, it's never really felt like that with his porn addiction, masturbation addiction, intimacy anorexia. These behaviours that he chose over our marriage excluded me from our mountain journey together. He married porn not me. He preferred fucking himself over being intimate with me. He chose IA over being intimate with me. So in many ways, we never even been climbing the same mountain together. And he still struggles to include me in his journey or to create a journey together.....hmmmm lots of food for thought....thanks for your insight!
     
    Last edited: May 31, 2019
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  10. HonestyMatters

    HonestyMatters Fapstronaut

    I just seen this and felt like sharing it....to all you SO’s out there!!! :p

    upload_2019-6-1_17-41-21.jpeg
     
    Last edited: Jun 1, 2019
  11. Susannah

    Susannah Fapstronaut

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    I need one in every room. Hahaha
     
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  12. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

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    I stand by the analogy of the mountains ...life is about guiding and helping one another...not rescuing and fixing.
    I have an adult son who is an alcoholic. Every time I tried to help or fix a situation for him it ended badly. The more I rescued , the more he fought and drank. When I finally let go and practiced loving detachment, he stepped up and is trying to straighten out his life.

    Using the mountain analogy, we are now climbing our own mountains, mine is fraught with wanting to fix things and step here not there...and his fraught with I can do it, I may fail, or I may succeed but that’s my choice.

    Now we each have our own mountain, we are not enmeshed trying to fix or rescue each other. I can go to him and cheer him on and he can cheer me on. We have developed a loving respect for each other’s life journey.
     
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  13. HonestyMatters

    HonestyMatters Fapstronaut

    It can be so hard as a parent to just sit back and watch because that’s all you can do as they don’t want to listen or don’t care for any of your help or guidance....with 3 teenagers between 15 and 19 I struggle with this on a daily basis. Well done to you to be able to lovingly detach as you have done. I will think of what you’ve said as I find myself in these same predicaments with them. As a parent I know I’m at that point now especially with the older ones that I have to accept that they are young adults now and whether I disagree or am concerned with their choices, ultimately I have to stand aside and let them learn for themselves, and learn from their own mistakes if that’s what it takes. I am constantly up against the resistance and rebellion that you speak of with your own son. Thanks for sharing @Lostneverland, it really helps put a lot of things into clearer perspective x
     
  14. HonestyMatters

    HonestyMatters Fapstronaut

    Driving home these 2 songs came on the radio... could relate to both in someways through different experiences I've felt. Great songs!!



     
  15. HonestyMatters

    HonestyMatters Fapstronaut

    So the last two weeks for us have been distant and disconnected, arguing and getting nowhere. It started over a couple stupid things he did when we were at an event (buggered up a heap of photos and later sat on and broke my glasses) it should have been resolved quickly but it just unfolded into a shit fight and battle of wills I think. I was upset because of what he’d done but I was also upset that he didn’t really seem to care, just had an oh well attitude at the time. To not spoil the day it was left at that but came up again the following night when he couldn’t replace my glasses and I again expressed my annoyance at his clumsiness and his lack of care at the time. Instead of just saying I’m sorry and I should have shown more care at the time he turned it all around on me and said it was just as much my fault and then listed about 10 other things that had happened during the day and all these hypothetical scenarios that if I’d done this to him, he knows exactly how I would have felt and reacted and all this and made the argument all about that. Even though half of what he was saying hadn’t even happened as he was portraying it, he couldn’t stick to the actual situation and basically just kept cutting me off and talking over the top of me, turning the tables and negating everything I said. So I felt like he just gaslit my arseoff for the next 2 hours and was just being a total prick. I put a gaslighting boundary in place which being the 3rd one in the last 10 months it was up to 10 days separate sleeping arrangements. He stopped doing his daily checkins and his IA dailies for the next few days because he was angry and didn’t want to talk to me and when I finally asked him about it he told me about an incident 2 nights before where he woke up horny and hard on the lounge busting to go to the toilet, thinks he may have awoke from some sexual dream, went to the toilet , ended up feeling and stroking the end of his penis because it was hard and it felt good and basically orgasmed after a few strokes. He was at 184 days PMO free. So this led to me saying well he’s broken the telling me within 24hr rule which is another broken boundary to which he got annoyed and said to me “whatever” and said it was nothing, that it wasn’t masturbating or anything really because 1) it happened so quick 2) it wasn’t planned 3) he wasn’t fantasising or using porn. Well I felt immediately gaslit again through his minimisation of it, that it’s all in my head and I’m blowing it out of proportion etc...so he got another 1 week separate sleeping arrangements for not telling me on his own accord within 24hrs, which he blamed that on our already not really getting along/talking even though he knows no matter what he has to be honest with me. So 2 weeks have passed since the consequences have been put in place and he’s made no attempt to initiate a conversation, nothing positive or constructive to help us move forward. He’s just been negative, and full of self pity and feeling yet again like the victim. He’s doing Intimacy Anorexia recovery work , has been for about 70 days and for the past 2 weeks he’s done everything that he’s not supposed to do and not once tried to pull himself up or recognise his behaviour. I’ve called him out multiple times to which he’s replied he doesn’t care, he’s doing it to protect himself and he’s doing it because of me and the way I am. So this basically can consists of him blaming me, criticising everything I say outwardly and internally, stonewalling, distancing and disconnection. I feel like everything is more important and more a priority than me or our relationship. This is nothing different to how I’ve felt most our marriage. In the past few days I’ve said I’m not sure I want to be in the relationship anymore and what does the future really even hold for us? It’s just how I feel and how I’ve been thinking. He is now angry at me about that because all he sees is where it all started, how the argument began and that’s it. Feels that he can’t even prove a point which is apparently what the last 2 weeks has been about because I just start saying I want to leave. But for me I see everything very differently to him. I see the IA behaviour/patterning that he defaults to and where he’s been for 2 weeks, I see nothing constructive or positive that he’s tried and considering he’s supposed to be learning and improving over the past 10 months shouldn’t I be seeing some progress some change in him trying different techniques instead of reverting to his old patterning. I see myself going through all this hell again with the same man who has made my life a living hell with his porn addiction, masturbation addiction, IA , his lies and betrayals for the past 2 decades and I see the same man who my future was dependent on his growth and his changes to determine whether I wanted to stay with him. 10 months ago on his last D Day I should have left after everything he has already put me through, they say give it 12 months before making any critical decisions. These are all the things I see and think about and all he sees is how the stupid argument began in the first place, not the totality of everything. Not his patterning and behaviour over the past 2 weeks just how it started that’s it. So I find myself questioning everything, questioning what does the future hold, what is there to look forward to, is this the kind of daily / weekly kind of life that my entire future holds? He can’t understand why I even look at everything like this. We spoke about this briefly this morning and I said what are his hopes for the future in terms of our relationship, like what does he want for us, what are his aspirations or goals for us. He says for things to be better and for us to be more connected. I say but what have we got to look forward to, what do you want with me? He says travel one day maybe and that was basically it. I just don’t know anymore. None of it feels real. I don’t think he even thinks about these things. I feel disconnected I don’t know what his journey or plans for the future are and I don’t feel apart of any of it, to be honest I don’t think he knows either, he says it’s just to get through the daily grind of life, and everything going on, and the kids and stuff and he doesn’t really have any goals/plans beyond that and sure it is very much like that but I’m just feeling like there’s nothing really to live for, to look forward to, to be excited for , to work toward, I don’t know maybe I want and expect too much, he does always tell me that....maybe I do want expect too much....I just don’t know!
     
  16. HonestyMatters

    HonestyMatters Fapstronaut

    So he said he’d stay home from work today because he was buying a new car this morning and I said so why do you need to take the day off? Thinking that he may also want to finally discuss some things with me. He said that wasn’t part of his train of thought but he could do that as well. So he got back at 11 and then spent the next 2 hrs doing stuff related to his new toy. I spent 2 hrs wondering when he was going to get around to me. Apparently I am important and a priority in his life, funny how it never feels like that. Anyway, I got sick of waiting and I’m not initiating everything for him either so I went to my room. An hour later he’s just come in to get his keys and says he’s removing the stereo from his old car now and then he’ll talk to me. Our daughters home now and I need to go pick up my son in 20 minutes. This is what he calls making me a priority in his life. Two weeks of nothing but stonewalling from him and then just leaves me waiting around most the day and now the kids are all due home from school. Yep such a priority in his life!!
     
    Last edited: Jun 3, 2019
  17. HonestyMatters

    HonestyMatters Fapstronaut

    So we had a talk, I didn’t feel like we really resolved a lot but I said how I am feeling and he listened at least. I wanted constructive positive suggestions and ideas but he didn’t give anything. He was more just quiet, deflated and depressed looking. I told him that I’m feeling like I want more fun in our lives, more variety, a more interesting relationship. I want to feel alive and excited and feel like I’m hopeful for the future , things to look forward to, things to be working towards, to feel like we are on a journey to somewhere together. I want to feel more real authentic connection and feelings from him. I want to feel important, I want to feel passion and I want to feel inspired. Things have been pretty good between us the last couple of months prior to the last couple of weeks but I still feel like things are somewhat dull and boring and ordinary too. He has for the most part been pretty diligent with his IA recovery work but also at the expense of doing no PA recovery work, that has concerned me too and the slip that happened to me is evidence that he needs to be doing more. It can’t just be all IA. But I’m also feeling like our whole relationship is just his recovery work. It’s work all day, recovery work, normal daily stuff, kids, every day problems and that’s it. At the moment I think I’m just frustrated that I don’t feel fulfilled. After decades of all of this hell hole life and now I just want more and it can’t come fast enough. I’m exhausted, uninspired and bored. And after 2 weeks of a major landslide backwards I guess for me it’s just brought all this closer to the surface for me. I just wish he had positive inspiring constructive things to say and to want to try. He just mostly sits there in his hopelessness and not saying anything much at all. He doesn’t inspire hope in me, he makes me feel lost and directionless in this relationship with him. I told him lately I don’t even feel sexually satisfied. I try to be super patient and I certainly don’t mean to make him feel bad but his whole masturbation / porn addiction has ruined our sex life because he suffers PE and so I find it’s just frustrating for me mostly and sometimes I feel like I can’t be bothered anymore. Like it’ll be a whole lot of stop start stop start business which is difficult to get aroused with or it’s over and done with in 30-45 seconds. I know he can’t help it and I’ve never given him a hard time about it but it’s just another thing on top of everything. We used to have a pretty good sex life, it was something that we actually had going that worked well for both of us at least for the most part. But that’s the downside now of no porn / masturbation which I definitely can’t live with of course, how it’s destroyed our marriage and his being but I’m now left with this too....it feels like a no win situation. Well I feel better I guess, that I said how I’m feeling but I don’t know how to make it any better and he seems totally uninspired to make anything better either at this point but he at least knows how I feel at the moment. I just wish he would take it and try and do something constructive and positive with it rather than just sulk and wallow in self pity and do nothing....
     
  18. HonestyMatters

    HonestyMatters Fapstronaut

    I looked at my last 3 posts on the computer last night and they basically look like massive chunks of writing but it’s because I wrote them from my phone. I’m still on my phone will have to remember paragraphs but it sometimes just interrupts the flow of thoughts....

    So last night I asked him if he wanted to watch the last episodes of GOT. We haven’t done anything together in the last 2 weeks and missed watching this last show. So he came and laid in our room and watched it together, by the end I was snuggled in my blanket and nearly asleep and he went back to the lounge.

    This morning I just found totally confusing and not sure how I feel about it. I was asleep and he’d had his shower and was basically ready for work but he came and got in bed with me and just snuggled me. He was still in his undies. It felt nice I guess but I am also feeling just so confused with how I feel towards him at the moment about our lives together, our whole relationship ....so he just laid there snuggling me and after a few minutes I said to him you know you still haven’t been doing your check ins or dailies and it’s been 4 nights and you know it’s a boundary of mine. He said I know and I said well I was going to talk to you today about it because you know I need to implement a consequence and he said yes and I said you don’t have a problem with that and he said no. I think it’s his 2nd time which will be an extra 1 week separate sleeping arrangements. I only implement them if it’s been more than 3 days and last night was his 4th night in a row...I said what were you thinking to come lay with me and he said he just felt like being close to me and maybe if he feels close to me he may be able to get out of the horrible depression and self pity victim mode he’s been in for 2 weeks. He said he feels that my gaslighting consequence was undeserving which I totally disagreed and defended and then went on to say why and the things he’d done. He still totally disagreed with me but he’s laying there spooning me and stroking me and I just felt uncomfortable now. We basically just started repeating the same things over, he thinks he’s right, he doesn’t think treating me like he did for 2 hours straight was unjust because all he wanted to do was talk to me. In that 2 hours he didn’t do anything reasonable to try and just talk to me. He was just throwing fuel on the fire and being a total prick. He may have wanted to talk but his actions were everything opposite to having a reasonable amicable discussion. So he says to me his sorry for all his behaviour basically but still thinks my consequence was undeserving. By now I just don’t want him even spooning me anymore and I just feel totally confused with it. He finally gets up and then leaves for work and I just feel frustrated and misunderstood to the max.
     
  19. HonestyMatters

    HonestyMatters Fapstronaut

    [​IMG]


    Today I am staying positive and climbing my mountain!

    Goals for Today!

    Business
    - Update my website :emoji_ballot_box_with_check:
    - At least 1 hour toward my annual certifications :emoji_ballot_box_with_check:
    - Work on some marketing ideas

    Personal
    - Meditation :emoji_ballot_box_with_check:
    - 30 min workout :emoji_ballot_box_with_check:
    - Give myself a toner/hair treatment
    & face mask :emoji_ballot_box_with_check:

    Relationship
    - 30 mins reading of the Hold Me Tight book :emoji_ballot_box_with_check:
    - update B & C's :emoji_ballot_box_with_check:

    House
    - Tidy up [​IMG]
    - Clean the Pantry & Fridge out
    - Transplant my snowpeas (if it stops raining!)
    - Finances when H gets home :emoji_ballot_box_with_check:
     
    Last edited: Jun 4, 2019
  20. HonestyMatters

    HonestyMatters Fapstronaut


    Boundary & Consequences (Update)


    PRIMARY BOUNDARIES

    • I need total honesty. Don’t dare lie to me. This includes but is not limited to omitting information, keeping secrets of any kind i.e. secret devices or secret ways of making money like surveys
    • Do not look at porn or porn substitutes of any kind such as images of women or naked women, movies or TV shows with naked women/sexually explicit content or fantasise about it while masturbating. Any pornography, masturbation, or orgasm, or sexual contact with another person, you are to notify me within 24 hours or at our next daily check-in whichever is earliest. (You have to tell me. I should never discover any of it on my own) If I suspect something & ask you, you need to be honest with me immediately.

    • You will take full responsibility and an active interest and initiative in your own recovery subject to us both discussing and agreeing that it’s relevant, useful and effective. You need to do something at least daily and spend at least 6 hours each week working your recovery (I will support and help you if needed but I’m not going to hunt down any recovery tool or mechanism. This isn’t my disease/dysfunction. It is yours. You own it. You are an adult. You need to behave and figure it out like one). Your recovery work doesn’t just stop when your pissed off and angry.
    PRIMARY CONSEQUENCES

    For each of these things individually

    • First violation, you will sleep in another room for 1 week
    • Second violation, you will sleep in another room for 2 weeks
    • Third violation, you will sleep in another room for 1 month
    • Fourth violation, you will sleep at another location for 2 weeks
    SECONDARY BOUNDARIES
    • We will have minimum 10-15 min early evening check-in. This is to state whether you are “No PMO or Not”. Also, to discuss sexual/porn related thoughts, feelings, urges, slips throughout the past 24 hrs, as well as your recovery progress. YOU are to initiate these. We also need to start doing FANOS weekly. (This is mostly to get us back to where we are supposed to be with intimacy. The more the better) Skipping these check-ins is a Violation. If things are tense or heated between us, then it will be done through private message in NoFap rather than not at all.

    • Don’t replace your porn addiction with another addiction such as Gaming. Spending more time Gaming than you are developing “Other Interests or Hobbies” or working on your Recovery is not acceptable.

    • You will ACTIVELY LISTEN to my feelings, my pain, my trauma, and betrayal and you will validate them as they are NOT SUBJECT to ARGUMENT or CONFRONTATION. NOTHING CAN JUSTIFY YOUR ACTIONS / REACTIONS TO ANYTHING I AM ALLEGED TO HAVE DONE. (You owe me this much. I have earned the right to my feelings of pain, trauma, and betrayal). You will start understanding BT and implement the tools/suggestions from Doug’s Weiss’s Helping her Heal.
    • You will NOT GASLIGHT me in the relationship or blame me for anything. Read the information you have on Gaslighting and the ways in which you do it. Nor will you use Passive Aggressive behaviour toward me. (I will not accept any responsibility for your behaviour. You own your behaviour just like anyone else. So, don’t try to lay blame on me for your actions. I will not tolerate it). You can’t use Gaslighting techniques just because you feel misunderstood or not heard. You need to start using constructive & positive tools and initiate proper discussions that are aimed at resolving and moving forward.
    • You will stop making money such as cash vouchers / eGift cards. This means surveys or any other type of untraceable money making. This is due to the level of uncertainty, lack of record of spending and all the problems between us that have resulted.
    • You will not blame me if you don’t have any money. Your feelings on having no money is a result of our financial circumstances. You will not blame or get upset at me for tracking your spending. This is a budgeting necessity applicable to both of us. It is also the collateral damage caused by your porn addiction, your signing up to sex services and the extreme amount of uncertainty and damage it has caused me, as well as the broken trust from your decades long of lying to me.
    • I have access to look at ANYTHING including but not limited to your devices, cash vouchers, gift cards etc at anytime and if wanted WITHOUT YOUR INVOLVEMENT. The meaning of Without Involvement doesn’t change due to your feelings at the time or your need to discuss things at the time. You will have to wait! I do not have to ask, I already have your in advance consent.
    • Ideally you should Own, Acknowledge & Apologise for a Boundary Breech by the time the consequence is finished so that we can have closure and begin moving forward. Having no closure on issues has always been an obstacle in this relationship. Also, it is not necessary that you agree with my boundary breeches or consequences. They are for my protection and safety not for your punishment.

    • When we make Agreements, it is your responsibility to write them in the Agreement Book in detail so there’s no confusion. You are to get me to check and confirm that what you’ve written is what we agreed to. This is due to you frequently “failing to remember agreements we make”. If they are not written up and you fail to comply with said Agreement, then the DECISION IS “THAT THE AGREEMENT WAS MADE AND YOU HAVE FAILED TO COMPLY” due to either denying it or having forgotten it. Broken agreements in the agreement book is a violation.
    • You will learn about “The Circles” so an exact description of your middle and inner circle behaviours can be included in these boundaries. This is to determine exactly what will constitute Porn Substitutes. This is to be done ASAP!
    SECONDARY CONSEQUENCES

    For each of these things individually
    • First violation, you will sleep in another room for 3 nights
    • Second violation, you will sleep in another room for 1 week
    • Third violation, you will sleep in another room for 10 nights
    • Fourth violation, you will sleep in another room for 2 weeks
    NOTE: “These are not punishments, nor should they be construed as such” These are my Boundaries & Consequences. These are for my protection, my safety, and my security. They are not subject to negotiation unless I feel the need to renegotiate.

    Please DO NOT test me on any of these. I have thought long and hard about them, I have consulted experts on them, and this is my minimum level of expectation that I have for our relationship. If you cannot agree to these or you make little or no effort to abide by these boundaries, speak now or for ever hold your peace, and we won’t waste each other’s time.”


    Boundary Parameters (to address apparent loopholes)
    • Can’t be on any show/movie on standard TV that contains nudity/sex scenes for ANY reason. i.e Excuses such as I was just watching a part that didn’t have the nudity or sex scene is not excusable!! It’s your responsibility to check IMDB on what you are watching.
    • It is not ok to hang on channels such as SBS or 7MATE etc that contain a lot of sexually explicit content. You should be already aware of this!! Agreed to delete these channels off all TVs.
    • Do not use your Feelings as excuses for why you did something that ultimately resulted in a boundary violation.
    • You will validate & acknowledge the Facts (being the end result) of any wrong doing that occurs and you will put your feelings and “why it happened” aside. Once you acknowledge and validate your wrong doing then we can discuss feelings or the “why”.
    • Gaslighting violations are relevant to the entirety of our relationship and not just your porn addiction.
    • To avoid you lying during daily check-in the ’24-hour’ rule will now be as follows. You must come clean within 24 hours or at the next Check-in whichever is earliest. This will avoid the loophole of lying at Check-In because of the 24-hour rule. My preference is you just tell me straight away, even if that means needing to call me! Also, if I SUSPECT something, and ASK YOU DIRECTLY then IMMEDIATE honesty is required THERE and THEN. You can have the option of details later if you feel the need, but you must own the slip or relapse if there’s been one.
    • No more Movie swapping at work. We can watch our own movies & TV shows at home. You need to stop the movie/TV show obsession to collect especially when a lot of these movies contain nudity/sex scenes movies and also coming from the same people that you also obtained porn from.

    Last Updated: 4/6/19
     
    Beth likes this.

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