Journal of My Story..... Thoughts | Feelings | Healing | Partners Recovery

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by HonestyMatters, Sep 7, 2018.

  1. HonestyMatters

    HonestyMatters Fapstronaut

    After yesterday morning when he came in after his shower and wanted to snuggle me (as i wrote about yesterday) and I'd told him I now have to implement a consequence for 3 days in a row of no check-ins or dailies, he came and apologised to me last night and asked if he could do his check-in and dailies. So I'm glad he has decided to stop being stubborn there. The consequence still stands though, what's the point of boundaries if I don't uphold the consequences. Because he was already on a consequence to do with gaslighting & a M slip which was 2.5 weeks separate sleeping arrangements, the not doing his check-ins has added another week because it's a 2nd time violation, so now separate sleeping arrangements are in place til next Thursday. It was supposed to end tomorrow. I was a bit annoyed at first but I feel fine about it now. I actually don't mind our separate sleeping arrangement consequences when they happen because it means things have started to derail in the relationship and it gives us both time to reevaluate, to think about what's going on and more time and space to start thinking and working on ourselves more.

    So this morning after his shower he came in and wanted to hop in bed and snuggle me again. I told him I'm not sure I wanted it and told him how uncertain I am feeling about everything. I said he needs to understand it from my point of view. For 2 weeks he's refused to discuss issues with me, ignored me when I've tried, stonewalled, distanced himself and been totally disconnected, pretty much what I call his "IA'ing Out" otherwise known as acting in. And when he hasn't done this he's gone straight into his blame and criticising of how everything's my fault and just outright stubborn and full of self-pity. So it's hard for me on the receiving end of this to now really want to feel any affection from him as I'm really not feeling affectionate.

    I asked him why he wants to and he said because it's the only way he knows how to stop all the fighting and to start feeling close to me. I told him ok but I'm not sure I really want it. So we layed there and he was snuggling me from behind and so I decided to tell him about what I was reading about in the Holding Me Tight book last night, the book we are supposed to be reading together but it kind of went to the wayside. He said he had read the same chapter last night after I told him during check-in that I was reading it. So it was the first conversation in the book - Demon Dialogue. We discussed how I think it very much applies to us, when there's an upset, a disagreement, something has happened and one of us is upset we definitely go into the demon dialogue. Its all about blaming the other person, which then spirals into a never ending cycle / dance of whose fault it was, a lot of fault finding, getting more and more tense and upset, becoming more and more stubborn and angry and ending up saying more and more hurtful things and pointing out all the reasons why the other is always to blame, pointing out each others flaws and negative traits which just fuels the never ending cycle.

    I told him I can definitely see how we do this, especially in this situation that is so clear in my head. It's basically whats been going on for 2 weeks now. He agreed and the idea is we need to be able see when we are going into this dance and to say to one another we are starting to do that dance again and then talk about our feelings and thoughts without all the blame and fault finding. Definitely not easy in the heat of the moment but we agreed it's something we both need to start working on. And then there was the Polka Dance which is us to an absolute tee. So we are on bad terms, an arguments happened and he starts to distance, withdraw, totally disconnect and refuses to give me any emotional response whatsoever. And then I, trying to reach him do the poking, prodding and pretty much anything to evoke some kind of communication, connection or emotional response from him. Because he ignores it I end up more and more frustrated and angry at him, tell him or even yell at him that he just doesn't care, he's basically being an arsehole and not trying to resolve anything which then causes him to go further into his distancing and disconnection and so the Polka Dance / Cycle goes. We do this so much. So I haven't got to the end of the chapter on it yet, so not sure what the suggestions are on it yet but I'm sure the first one will be to start to recognise the patterns.

    So it was good that we at least spoke about that and then he was starting to want sex and getting all horny and I said no. I don't want it. I wasn't sure I even wanted the cuddle but it's been nice and I'm more interested in mind and heart connection at this stage and now I'm feeling like you just want physical connection. So I started to get annoyed. The physical connection means nothing to me if the mind / heart connection is not there. And I just didn't feel like I really wanted it. It'd be over and done with in seconds because it's been a few weeks since we've had sex and he has PE and he only had a few minutes til he had to race out the door. So I said No. Plus I've ordered him some Edge Delay Gel which hopefully arrives tomorrow and I want to try that because I'm getting to a point in the last few months where I'm feeling like I can't be bothered with sex because of the PE. As I talked about in my post 2 or 3 back, I know it's not his fault but I'm finding it increasing difficult to get aroused with this whole stop start stop start sex as it is. So anyway, I just didn't feel like it given everything so he stopped briefly but then still kept trying and I told him off for just sexualising me now. I know he's horny and I'm sorry but he'll just need to handle it because I'm not feeling forced into it because he's horny and I'm not even feeling the same.

    Anyway, he got over that and I made a coffee and he quickly finished getting ready for work and left. He gave me a cuddle and kiss and we had a much better morning parting than we have in 2 weeks so that's something good I guess...
    Susannah likes this.
  2. HonestyMatters

    HonestyMatters Fapstronaut


    Today I am fanning my tiny, inner sparks of possibility into flames of achievement

    Goals for Today!

    - Work on some marketing ideas :emoji_ballot_box_with_check:
    - Complete a webinar toward my CPE hours :emoji_ballot_box_with_check:
    - Setup 2nd client office :emoji_ballot_box_with_check:

    - Meditation :emoji_ballot_box_with_check:
    - 30 min of my Anxiety CBT material
    - Epilady / personal grooming
    - Consider possibility of finishing last year of my degree / contact
    the uni maybe
    - Listen to a podcast :emoji_ballot_box_with_check: (listened to a few Doug Weiss Love & Sex podcasts)

    - 30 mins reading of the Hold Me Tight book :emoji_ballot_box_with_check:
    - 30 mins of Married & Alone exercises :emoji_ballot_box_with_check:
    - Start doing the 3 dailies myself with H :emoji_ballot_box_with_check:

    - Clean the Pantry & Fridge out :emoji_ballot_box_with_check:
    - General Tidy up :emoji_ballot_box_with_check:
    - Get curtain material for Laundry & Son's Room
    - Order Bathroom Exhausts [​IMG]
    - Order phone parts [​IMG]
    Last edited: Jun 5, 2019
  3. HonestyMatters

    HonestyMatters Fapstronaut

    I woke up this morning and was thinking about my old job , the field related to my uni studies where I had a year to finish. I didn't mind the actual work itself but the thought of being there or even in my position prior to that which was similarly related just totally turns me off. It's not the work itself, it's the being there 9 to 5pm in those same four walls at that same desk every day that turns me off. And the environment and the people i worked with. A small number were lovely and genuinely friendly, sincere and caring people but many were not. A very cut throat environment where you could never really trust that people were sincere or had your back. And then low pay in comparison to what is a lot of time, effort and such a huge part of one's life. So the point being I guess although I loved my studies mostly and enjoyed the actual work, I hated the environment and the rigidity of the work hours every day. I suppose most people do right? Admittedly there was a lot going on at the time, children to manage, rebuilding of our home while still living in it, husband refusing recovery and still heavily stuck in his addiction and lost and disconnected to me, my betrayal trauma and just full on anxiety / depression at everything going on, major financial concerns, university studies and then trying to also juggle my job, it was no wonder I broke down in the end and just resigned in the end. I was a stressed out mess. For the most part I managed everything well but I was exhausted and felt so lost and unhappy.

    So when I think about going back to my studies, I'm not sure I want to go back to that conformity and rigidity. I would like to at least have the degree finished but is it worth the $12K to go and finish if I'm not sure I want to pursue that field anymore. When I think about it I think no. The only good part is the potential earnings once I was fully qualified and had more experience, $60 to $80 an hour in the right job. But a lot of ongoing professional development, pressure and a constantly changing field. So I started my own home business, in a similarly related field but because of relationship / and other family struggles, my own mental / emotional struggles with everything I've found it hard to keep in the right frame of mind. Advertising / marketing is costly and sifting through the clients that are worth keeping, not just using you or want to only pay you peanuts can be difficult. Still it has given me a little extra money but nothing in comparison to a regular and consistent income. What I do love though, is the flexibility, calling my own shots, being able to work around the kids and family life and being able to work from home. Socially it can be isolating though. I could be doing a lot better if I could just keep myself in a more focused , healing and positive state of mind. And to reach more desirable good clients - ones that are worth having.

    Then I have interests in other totally non related fields. And I wonder should I pursue my interests and do study in those areas or keep focusing on my current business. The more I think about it, the money might be better spent there and to pursue something entirely different. But the problem is I don't know if it's something that I'd genuinely like to work in or if it's just something I find very interesting. And then I often think about starting up an online business of some sort selling stuff. It's something I could easily run from home, and have thought of often. The hardest part is what to sell and locating good wholesalers.

    Well, over the next week I have 3 iPhones to repair lol, screen replacements. I've fixed many of my own childrens iPhones because I got tired of the cost of repairs and now have 3 people who want me to do theirs. So who knows, I could start a phone repair business :)

    Anyway, a whole lot of not sure what to do going around in my head. I thought writing it out might make it clearer, give me some perspective. Maybe it will come.

    So on another note, the Edge Delay Gel I ordered arrived yesterday. He was keen to try it, and I even though I was still feeling contempt toward him and his behaviour over the past couple of weeks, I decided I need to try and put it aside and move on. I'm still uncertain of my feelings and our future but we haven't had sex for a few weeks and maybe it will help us to connect and work on things. Well, the Gel worked well especially since it's been a while, he probably lasted twice as long as normal so I can imagine if we resumed our usually fairly frequent sex life then it may work even better. The only thing is you have to put it on an hour before, so not exactly the spontaneity that i'd prefer but it is all natural ingredients and a 1/5 of the price of Promescent. So after a few more times I guess we'll know if that will help the whole PE situation, I hope so. I did enjoy the sex, even if my feelings toward him at the moment are all over the place. I think it helped to bring us closer together, even if it was just for a short while.

    I'm feeling ok in myself at the moment. I'm starting to feel less in the area of pain and hurt from all his lies and deceit I think. Something that has just nearly killed me over the past 8 years. I'm not sure why that is. Maybe time, maybe because I'm trying to just focus on me more. I'm not sure. I still have triggers at times, I still have trust issues around whether he's being completely honest with me, whether there's still deceit and lies going on but somehow I'm feeling a little less affected by it all. It's not as paralysing painful. I'm not sure why that is, I don't know if I'm starting to feel less for him, not caring as much or if it's because I'm trying to focus more on me. Something I need to process more I think. Either way it feels better at the moment.

    I've been writing my daily goals / plans the last few days on here, and as silly as it seems, in some strange way it has actually been helping keep more motivated and determined to get through them. I don't know why, maybe because I've put it out there. So I think I'll keep doing it for the time being, since it seems to be helping.

    I hope all you SO's are having a good day. I've been reading a few different journals and we are all struggling / and growing in our own ways. It's great to have this space to connect with you all and to share our dilemmas, our fears and our progresses.....hopefully we will all eventually find the light at the end of the tunnel, whatever that maybe for each of us...
  4. HonestyMatters

    HonestyMatters Fapstronaut


    Today, I will keep going, even if my achievements are only small, I'm still moving forward!

    Goals for Today!

    - Work on more marketing ideas
    - Complete another webinar toward my CPE hours

    - Meditation [​IMG]
    - 30 min of my Anxiety CBT material
    - Listen to a podcast [​IMG]
    - Find an online course I'd like to do
    - Go for a walk
    - Grooming / face mask / hot epsom salts bath [​IMG]
    - Find a holiday to start saving towards

    - 30 mins reading of the Hold Me Tight book [​IMG]
    - 30 mins of Married & Alone exercises [​IMG]
    - 3 dailies myself with H [​IMG]

    - General Tidy up [​IMG]
    - 1 hour in the garden & transplant snowpeas [​IMG]
    - Dust & Mop [​IMG]
    - Get curtain material for Laundry & Son's Room [​IMG]

    I usually do silent meditations but today I decided to do a guided one. This was a very soothing and relaxing one. Recommend it to any SO's feeling traumatised and just needing to take some time out to calm and relax....

    Last edited: Jun 6, 2019
  5. Rock_Star

    Rock_Star Fapstronaut

    maybe you should try something other than separation as a consequence. IA's strive when there is distance. it's the ultimate goal, to have that balance of close yet still far enough away. IA is the fear of intimacy. so just my opinion, but maybe he should have a consequence that doesnt give him what he wants. even if he only wants it subconsciously. maybe instead of separation he give you a 30 minute foot rub. idk just my thoughts.
  6. HonestyMatters

    HonestyMatters Fapstronaut

    Thanks @Rock_Star , I do agree with you and have thought about this before too. The separation consequence at the moment is to do with gaslighting, his M slip and stopping his check-ins. A while back we did make an agreement that when he's on a separation consequence that he can't just use it as an opportunity to sit back and watch TV and movies and that he needs to be doing his recovery work. I haven't implemented any consequences of my own in relation to the IA work yet. Lisa Weiss was saying that it shouldn't happen until after the 90 day period. For the most part he has been very committed to doing his IA work daily, talking with his IA partner daily and doing his 3 dailies and homework each day. After a big argument he let it all slide for a couple of weeks there and did very little. He didn't self correct either and or impose his own consequences. Even after me calling him out on it. I have already written a list of my own IA consequences and will start putting these boundaries in place, one at a time, as it says and start enforcing consequences if he doesn't pull himself up within the 24 hrs and self correct as he's supposed to, or implement his own consequence. And my consequences are exactly like what you said, massages etc...nothing about separation there in relation to the IA. The separation consequences are related to my other boundaries before we started the IA work, and it also gives me space and time away from him to reflect and work on myself. But I do really appreciated your feedback @Rock_Star and it makes me think more about specific boundary breeches like lack of communication, lack of intimacy etc and how the consequences could be directly related to working on those specific things too.
    Rock_Star likes this.
  7. HonestyMatters

    HonestyMatters Fapstronaut


    7 Steps to Nurturing Your Inner Self

    1) Send loving messages to yourself. Tell yourself, "I love you and appreciate who you are." ...
    2) Take good care of yourself. ...
    3) Do nice things for yourself. ...
    4) Set healthy boundaries with others. ...
    5) Become your own advocate. ...
    6) Believe in yourself. ...
    7) And lastly and most important: Be compassionate with yourself.

    Today I'll be running the kids around for much of the day so I'll be keeping my goals simple. My youngest son has his first proper appointment with the child psychologist this morning that we seen last week so I hope he likes it and gets the most out of it. He also has a job interview later too. So I really hope he gets the position and it helps him to start being more responsible and constructive with his time.

    Goals for Today!

    - Support and be there for my youngest at his appointment today [​IMG]
    - Help him prepare for his job interview [​IMG]

    - Meditation
    - Find an online course I'd like to do
    - Go for a walk
    - Just relax and chill out for a while [​IMG]
    - Find a holiday to start saving towards

    - 30 mins reading of the Hold Me Tight book [​IMG]
    - 30 mins of Married & Alone exercises
    - 3 dailies myself with H [​IMG]

    - General Tidy up [​IMG]
    - Clean out Bathroom Vanities

    Last edited: Jun 7, 2019
  8. HonestyMatters

    HonestyMatters Fapstronaut


    It's a nice feeling to have the house to myself. Husband has gone to visit family for the afternoon and the kids are busy and off doing there own thing. Its the weekend and I'm going to enjoy just relaxing, snuggled in my blanket and watching a movie for a while. No goals or plans today, just relaxation and go with the flow. Feeling content :)
    Lostneverland likes this.
  9. HonestyMatters

    HonestyMatters Fapstronaut

    The connection between us has been a lot better over the past week. We've been getting along and there's been no conflict bar one situation which I'll get to. He's been keeping up his daily talks to me about how he's going with his PA, any thoughts / urges etc and we've both been doing the dailies each day together. His C ended yesterday and I actually decided to cut it short by a couple of days because things have been good between us and we'd ordered a new memory foam mattress that arrived yesterday and I thought it would be nice for us both to test it out together. It's a very comfy mattress and I got a great nights sleep.

    The one dispute we did have was on Sunday. We decided to work through the questions in the first conversation of the Hold Me Tight book, which is all about the negative dances / patterns we get into when disputes / arguments arise. Ironically we ended up in a dispute over looking at our negative patterns that we get into and how and why they happen. Quite unbelievable. Here we are trying to recognise the cycles without blaming or fault finding, just becoming aware of how it all unfolds and then spirals into a never ending cycle of hurt, blame, and disconnection and we ended up in an argument and frustrated over it. We both just left it at that and I told him it's just ridiculous that we are going into the demon dialogue (what the author refers to it as) whilst trying to actually become aware of and address the demon dialogue that we go into. Hours later he came and said he agreed that we were doing exactly what we were trying not to do. So we decided to give it another go the next day. And we did successfully get through it without getting upset, blaming or faultfinding and were able to be more open-minded about the ways we both contribute to the negative cycles. The fact we had the situation between us over the past couple of weeks to use as an example made it a lot easier to see our patterning.

    The last couple of days I've spent most my time researching and looking into a particular field I find fascinating. I enrolled myself into an online course and have been pretty much engrossed in that. It's something I've had a keen interest in for a long time and so I decided to look further into it and see where it takes me. I'm not sure if it's just a fascination / interest or something I'd really like to pursue further. I guess time will tell.
  10. HonestyMatters

    HonestyMatters Fapstronaut

    The Wellness Wheel

    Goals for Today!

    - Meditation
    - Do some research / study
    - Do a workout

    - Hold Me Tight book reading
    - Married & Alone exercises
    - 3 dailies myself with H
    - Relaxation / connection time together

    - General Tidy up
    - An hour of gardening
    - Finances
  11. HonestyMatters

    HonestyMatters Fapstronaut

    So I've started writing this, then deleted, started again, then deleted. I feel I need to write something but it's all a jumbled mess. Not sure what I even want to say.

    I guess the short story is he finds it difficult to spend time with me, be IN the relationship and maintain commitment and focus to his recovery at the same time.

    He's still doing his recovery work, but his motivation is up down all the time and lately feeling stagnant. He's still doing his IA work which lately just consists of the dailies. Coming up with 2 feelings (past & present) and 2 praises for me. He does this with his check-in. He can take anywhere from 30-60 mins to work it out and then share it with me which is usually another 10-15 mins. That's the bulk of his recovery work for the past couple of months. There's workbook exercises he's supposed to be also doing daily but that dropped off a couple of months ago. He still does his daily 5 min talk with his IA partner as well.

    So what I'm finding is the more time we spend together, the better things are between us the more the recovery work slides.
    At night, once dinner is through and we've finished most general stuff. If I just want to relax and unwind. So does he. It's like he just wants to do the bare minimum and is checking boxes.

    Its like he needs conflict and me getting up him about not doing his work to motivate him. If things are ok or relatively calm / peaceful between us then he's not pushing himself.

    I've tried to let go of the reins because it's not my responsibility and I don't want the burden of his recovery but it's also a boundary of mine that he be working his recovery, and actually progressing with it, finding a good solid path with it, taking total responsibility for it and being his own driving force. And when that's not happening, or if it starts to dwindle like it has been that's when alarm bells are going off and insecurity and fear start setting in for me, which leads to me saying something, leads to arguments / conflicts and then he starts lifting his game again.

    I know they say recovery is not linear. I just don't like this pattern. He is doing more than he's ever done before but he really lacks consistency.

    He has really made an effort and has been throwing himself back into it again the last week but to do so he has had to separate himself from me and he slept out on the lounge for a week - his own doing. The first night he was doing some recovery work and we were not on the best of terms and he ended up falling asleep and stayed out there. Same the second night. Then I ended up coming down with a cold and so he decided to stay out there for the next 4-5 nights because he didn't want to get it. That's fair enough. But he didn't discuss with me for an entire week what was going on or what he was doing in terms of deciding to sleep out there. We were still talking about stuff we needed to, but as per usual he was not talking anything personal between us. I was just like expected to know and be able to read his mind of what's going on. He doesn't initiate personal conversations, if he can avoid them he will.

    But basically it boils down to , he finds it difficult to maintain any kind of balance between doing his recovery work and spending time with me. Because some of his work - the IA work requires me to be involved I've stipulated that I need that part to happen as early as possible (the dailes & check-in) I can't be waiting til any hour of the night to be there to do it with him. I made a rule it has to be before dinner starts. But given it takes him so long to do this, it can be difficult because of the time between him getting home and dinner starting. And he just needs/wants to unwind a bit too which is understandable.

    I get it. None of it's easy. Recovery takes a lot of time, dedication, focus and motivation. But hey, I didn't put him in this situation. He did it to himself. I've been the supportive wife , still am and I've been the wife who PUSHES, POKES & PRODS, INSISTS & EVEN FORCES him to do his work. But no more. Its not my responsibility but it is a boundary of mine.

    It's just sad that if things are calm and good between us he losses his motivation toward his recovery work. He still wants recovery but not all the work. And it's sad that he finds it so difficult to be in the Relationship and be in the Recovery at the same time, because they both take a lot of time, commitment and effort.
    Last edited: Jul 9, 2019
    Lostneverland likes this.
  12. hope4healing

    hope4healing Moderator Assistant Staff Member Moderator Assistant

    :( I think they lose motivation because the "things are good" excuse is easily turned into denial...'if things in the relationship are doing ok, I don't need to worry so much about working on recovery.' It's wrong and frustrating for SO's because we know what frequently happens when they start to let their guard down prematurely.
    Lostneverland likes this.
  13. HonestyMatters

    HonestyMatters Fapstronaut

    Exactly. And where does that leave us SO’s? Here we are trying to better the relationship, improve connection, spend more quality time together, be more close and affectionate, only to feel it backfiring on us. It’s like WE have to keep a guard up constantly. Can’t have things going to smoothly or well it would seem...can’t just relax and be in the relationship... :confused:
    hope4healing and Lostneverland like this.
  14. HonestyMatters

    HonestyMatters Fapstronaut

    I realised this morning that yesterday was 12 months since the last D Day. It’s been a tough year and I don’t know where I’d be today without the support of Nofap. Knowing that I have a community of SO survivors who understand and know exactly what I’m going through has been a life saver and also the feeling of hope I get from all the legitimate PAs working hard in there recovery’s. To be able to connect and share our stories has been a lifeline. I never had that until 12 months ago and I honestly don’t know how I actually survived the past decade dealing with the knowledge of his porn and masturbation abuse and all the lies and betrayals that went with it. It was ten years of shear torment and hell. And the previous decade before that one wasn’t any better, his emotional emptiness and lack of connection made it a very lonely and isolated marriage - I just didn’t know why it was the way it was all those years ago. It’s been an exhausting year, an emotional roller coaster of hope, fears, distrust, calm, anger, triggers, grounding & trauma. As it sounds, a year of being all over the place but slowly I believe we are growing, learning and progressing.

    I want to thank one particular member @GhostWriter who spent countless hours helping me and without his one on one time spent trying to get through to my PA husband I don’t think he’d be in recovery today. Many thought he was hard, and arrogant and an arsehole at times lol but I appreciated his brutal honesty, his frankness, his wit and most of all his knowledge on porn and sex addiction. So thank you GW if you see this, you were cornerstone to my husband dealing with his addiction and I will always be thankful for that!

    They say it takes at least 3 to 5 years of solid recovery work before you could call yourself a recovered addict and so I’m not deluding myself of that fact, he still has a way to go. And consistency, perseverance and self drive are the definite areas he needs to work on in my opinion and self exploration and more broad research of PA and relationship recovery too.

    As for me, I have a long way to go too. But I feel a million times better today than I did 12 months ago. Although exhausted, I feel more at peace in myself, more acceptance and understanding of myself than I ever have. I think I’m getting there. I still have my triggers and moments but less daily dread and anxiety that’s for sure. For the most part our relationship has improved and we are closer and more connected than we’ve been in many years but we still have our moments and when the arguments/disagreements come they can be bad and last for days/weeks but I think they’re getting less too. With his Doug Weiss’s intimacy anorexia work and Sue Johnson’s emotionally focussed therapy we are learning more about avoiding these disagreement traps and getting better at getting out of these vicious cycles that we get stuck in...
    Last edited: Jul 21, 2019
  15. HonestyMatters

    HonestyMatters Fapstronaut

    Is anyone familiar with “ Fear of Missing Out “

    So we’ve discussed this a couple of times in the last week, amongst other things like cheaters high and duper’s delight.

    In his checkins he talks about still getting that feeling to escape at times, mostly at work though. He says it’s not a direct thought or urge to look at porn but a need to escape in general which in the past always led to porn or viewing other women in some shape or form.

    It’s either to escape boredom, the mundaneness of work or stress relief. He’s also mentioned the feeling of fear he’s missing out many times now and I looked it up and was surprised it’s actually a thing, even with it’s own acronym FOMO.

    He says it’s like a feeling of loss of all that he is missing out on, so I guess that’s all the latest hot videos and images of sexy women that are getting posted but also the movies that he’s missing out on because of the sex scenes etc so therefore we don’t watch them. And it’s like a feeling that others are getting to see and experience what he’s not.

    I guess I can understand it from an addicts point of view and logically he knows he’s not missing out but gaining from not being apart of that scene anymore but it’s still a feeling that he gets.

    I read a little about it and one thing that stood out to me in an article , was that need to be in the know and constantly seeking and fulfilling that need ironically meant that those suffering from FOMO end up missing out on so much IRL...

    Anyhow, it’s good that he’s aware of it and talking about it.

    We also talked about whether it’s a feeling of wanting to try and dupe me, seeking the high that comes with the deception and lies knowing that their getting away with something that they shouldn’t be doing. Because this is also something that he used to do and felt in the past but he says no it’s more the FOMO at the moment.

    Just wondering if other SOs or PAs know what I’m talking about...have experienced this kinda thing.
  16. HonestyMatters

    HonestyMatters Fapstronaut

    And as an added thought, the only “FOMO” I’ve ever experienced in all of this, is the fear of missing out on a REAL relationship with honesty and respect, real intimacy and no lies and no betrayal....that’s about the size of my FOMO experience
  17. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

    Yup I have FOMO .
    HonestyMatters likes this.
  18. hope4healing

    hope4healing Moderator Assistant Staff Member Moderator Assistant

    There was a thread about FOMO started not too long ago in another nofap forum. Thought you might be interested...
    Fear of missing out
    HonestyMatters likes this.
  19. HonestyMatters

    HonestyMatters Fapstronaut

    Thanks at @hope4healing, I will pass this onto him too :)
    hope4healing likes this.
  20. Trappist

    Trappist Fapstronaut

    I first heard of fomo here at NF
    And it’s a good topic to look
    at about SA.

    I mentioned fomo in a mtg and someone, with lots of recovery, mentioned jomo as what he found instead of fomo in recovery.

    He found
    Joy of Missing Out
    With what he gained in recovery
    with his wife and family.

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