Last night I was looking at software monitoring results because I've been a little annoyed that when my husband is supposed to be out in the lounge room doing recovery work in the evening he is sometimes on his phone doing other things like - searching facebook marketplace, playing a phone game or something. I've bought this up before and he says sometimes he does it to relax or to take a break because he can't think, his thinking is clouded and nothing much is coming in the way of answers to the work he's doing. I do understand this and I know he needs down time especially if he's worked all day and been busy pretty much since he's come home. It does annoy me though if he spends 1 & 1/2 hours out there and half of that time is playing on his phone and I'm in bed knowing that he still has his dailies to do with me and it's getting later and later. Not to mention that we aren't spending any time together either. So last night while he was out there, It was going on near 10.30pm and he still hadn't come in yet, still not done his dailies with me and so I had a look at how much time was being spent on phone doing other things. He'd spent nearly 45 mins of that time, mostly doing LinkedIn updates and a bit of time on facebook marketplace. Anyway, I noticed he'd deleted something in messenger. Being the way I am, I thought what would he be feeling the need to delete. Later he told me that he'd actually sent something from the marketplace to a friend and it went twice and I could see the item he'd sent so was ok with that. But prior to him coming in and us talking, I had started searching through messenger results because of my suspicion of the deletion and one thing led to another. I could see a link that someone had sent the night before. I opened it and..... Spoiler: Trigger It was a meetup site with a naked woman dancing around and shaking her breasts. It had 4 questions about keeping these girls strictly confidential, that they only wanted sex not a relationship etc...which had to be agreed to. The site also was the same one from years ago where he'd signed up. I was immediately pissed off and logged in to see more detail and it appears it came from an unknown user and the link had since been removed by messenger because their account hadn't been verified. I don't know if it was a pop up on his phone but I don't think so. Messenger doesn't usually have pop ups. You have to click on the link to open it and I could see it had been opened twice about 15 secs apart the night before. So he possibly watched the woman dancing around twice.... This of course led me to dig through things further and I found that a mate of his, someone from 30 years ago who is a facebook friend but they rarely ever chat on messenger and he lives on the other side of the country (so never sees him) but he'd sent him a porn video about 8 weeks ago. Spoiler: Trigger I clicked play because I wanted to see what it was. So there's a woman who's completely naked from her hips down with only a leather bustier on and her voluptuous breasts busting out the top and she was dancing, she turns around so you see her butt and then bends full over so you can see everything, turns back around and starts unlacing the bustier and that was it, I turned it off, didn't want to see where else it was going ... I was so angry and then I deleted it So he finally comes in, it's 10.30pm and spends 5 minutes doing his dailies with me and at the end I say is there anything else you want to tell me. He says I don't think so. So I said, well whats this link that came in last night that led to a hookup site, it looks like it was viewed twice in the monitoring results. He denies seeing anything at all. Has no idea what I'm talking about. We get on his mobile and the message request (being anonymous) is not listed on the mobile version, so it is possible that it was a popup but I'm very doubtful because I've never seen popups in messenger and I've used it for many years. So I leave it at that. It would seem that the site he signed up too still has his email address all these years later and I can see they sent something similar back in February as well. So moving on, I ask him about the video his mate had sent 8 weeks ago and why this has never been given a mention. He admitted he seen it come through but he never watched it. He just closed out of the message and never went back to it. Then also completely forgot about it apparently so that's why it was never mentioned to me. We ended up in an argument because this is the same man who every day does his daily check-in with me, tells me he has been honest with me but fails to bring this up at all whatsoever. We went to sleep not on good terms but a few hours later I was awake and couldn't sleep and so decided to look back at what was going on around those dates. The video was sent 30th May. Interestingly enough he was on a consequence at this time and was sleeping on the lounge, had been for 2 weeks, this was to do with gaslighting at the time over an incident unrelated to PMO. He had been treating me like shit, stonewalling me, blaming me and making no effort whatsoever to resolve anything. It's all in my journal from about 31st May to 4th June. Something else that just "smells" to me is that the video came in on 30th May and I know he was on messenger the same evening, out in the lounge room because he'd been messaging people about cars, it was around the same time his car died, so was messaging about cars for sale. But also, because things were not good between us he'd also stopped doing his check-ins for 4 days in a row 1 June to 4 June. He'd been doing them up to that point even though we'd been sleeping separately for 2 weeks. It all may just be pure coincidence but long gone are the days that I just accept that. Even if it was and he didn't watch it as he says, he still withheld information from me and that constitutes lying in my book. He said he probably didn't want to say anything at the time because we were already on bad terms. Nope sorry that doesn't work for me. Not this far into his "so called" recovery. You don't get to play that bullshit card with me. Like I said to him. The universe works in mysterious ways. It looks to me like you were sent a test - lets see how honest you can be when things are going shit in your relationship. I said "You had an opportunity to build trust or destroy trust - and you chose to destroy it" Even though we were on bad terms, he could of come forth immediately, saying this video has come through, I have not looked at it but I'm telling you because of my commitment to honesty no matter what (including whether we are getting along or not). Now this would have been a MONUMENTAL MOMENT that would have shown me his commitment to honesty no matter the circumstances. But NO, he made a decision to go the other way and say nothing. And now that it's come to light, 8 weeks later, I'm supposed to just TRUST. I don't fucking think so. I'm supposed to believe that he never watched it. That he never had a thought about it again. This is coming from a porn addict. Porn addicts have constant flashbacks. So there was no flashback or curiosity for weeks after of "I wonder what that video was my mate sent me" "why would he send me that, he rarely sends me anything" - what no thoughts like that - I find that hard to believe!! So all in all, the video was still sitting there 8 weeks later. Whether he watched it or not I feel he has shown ZERO responsibility or integrity. He has committed to complete honesty with me. He knows honesty means the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. It was his RESPONSIBILITY to 1) Speak up immediately no matter the circumstances because that's what complete honesty and nothing but the truth means. A genuine and sincere man in recovery would come to me immediately, ring me if need be, text me, message me, whichever - whatever it takes to be immediately honest. What's going on at the time is IRRELEVANT!! 2) Do something about the video. Get me to delete it after we've talked about it if need be. Rather than it sit there for 2 months as a temptation to look at or to be watched multiple times over - whichever it is. 3) Make me aware so we could discuss what to do about this friend. As far as I'm concerned he needs to be blocked. I don't care how old a friend he is. To me it's like a drug dealer offering my drug addict (dopamine) husband drugs. NOT OK!!! So yeah, as per usual he holds the stance that he is innocent of seeing or viewing any of it. And even if that is the case, I'm left in a cloud of doubt and distrust as per usual because nothing about his actions showed HONESTY in the first place!!! So I don't know what to do or think. As I say I am highly doubtful and distrusting and why the hell wouldn't I be, look at what the man has put me through for the last 8 years.