Journal of My Story..... Thoughts | Feelings | Healing | Partners Recovery

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by HonestyMatters, Sep 7, 2018.

  1. HonestyMatters

    HonestyMatters Fapstronaut

    Last night I was looking at software monitoring results because I've been a little annoyed that when my husband is supposed to be out in the lounge room doing recovery work in the evening he is sometimes on his phone doing other things like - searching facebook marketplace, playing a phone game or something. I've bought this up before and he says sometimes he does it to relax or to take a break because he can't think, his thinking is clouded and nothing much is coming in the way of answers to the work he's doing. I do understand this and I know he needs down time especially if he's worked all day and been busy pretty much since he's come home. It does annoy me though if he spends 1 & 1/2 hours out there and half of that time is playing on his phone and I'm in bed knowing that he still has his dailies to do with me and it's getting later and later. Not to mention that we aren't spending any time together either.

    So last night while he was out there, It was going on near 10.30pm and he still hadn't come in yet, still not done his dailies with me and so I had a look at how much time was being spent on phone doing other things. He'd spent nearly 45 mins of that time, mostly doing LinkedIn updates and a bit of time on facebook marketplace.

    Anyway, I noticed he'd deleted something in messenger. Being the way I am, I thought what would he be feeling the need to delete. Later he told me that he'd actually sent something from the marketplace to a friend and it went twice and I could see the item he'd sent so was ok with that. But prior to him coming in and us talking, I had started searching through messenger results because of my suspicion of the deletion and one thing led to another.

    I could see a link that someone had sent the night before.

    I opened it and.....

    It was a meetup site with a naked woman dancing around and shaking her breasts. It had 4 questions about keeping these girls strictly confidential, that they only wanted sex not a relationship etc...which had to be agreed to. The site also was the same one from years ago where he'd signed up.

    I was immediately pissed off and logged in to see more detail and it appears it came from an unknown user and the link had since been removed by messenger because their account hadn't been verified.

    I don't know if it was a pop up on his phone but I don't think so. Messenger doesn't usually have pop ups. You have to click on the link to open it and I could see it had been opened twice about 15 secs apart the night before. So he possibly watched the woman dancing around twice....

    This of course led me to dig through things further and I found that a mate of his, someone from 30 years ago who is a facebook friend but they rarely ever chat on messenger and he lives on the other side of the country (so never sees him) but he'd sent him a porn video about 8 weeks ago.

    I clicked play because I wanted to see what it was. So there's a woman who's completely naked from her hips down with only a leather bustier on and her voluptuous breasts busting out the top and she was dancing, she turns around so you see her butt and then bends full over so you can see everything, turns back around and starts unlacing the bustier and that was it, I turned it off, didn't want to see where else it was going ... I was so angry and then I deleted it

    So he finally comes in, it's 10.30pm and spends 5 minutes doing his dailies with me and at the end I say is there anything else you want to tell me. He says I don't think so. So I said, well whats this link that came in last night that led to a hookup site, it looks like it was viewed twice in the monitoring results. He denies seeing anything at all. Has no idea what I'm talking about. We get on his mobile and the message request (being anonymous) is not listed on the mobile version, so it is possible that it was a popup but I'm very doubtful because I've never seen popups in messenger and I've used it for many years. So I leave it at that. It would seem that the site he signed up too still has his email address all these years later and I can see they sent something similar back in February as well.

    So moving on, I ask him about the video his mate had sent 8 weeks ago and why this has never been given a mention. He admitted he seen it come through but he never watched it. He just closed out of the message and never went back to it. Then also completely forgot about it apparently so that's why it was never mentioned to me.

    We ended up in an argument because this is the same man who every day does his daily check-in with me, tells me he has been honest with me but fails to bring this up at all whatsoever.

    We went to sleep not on good terms but a few hours later I was awake and couldn't sleep and so decided to look back at what was going on around those dates. The video was sent 30th May. Interestingly enough he was on a consequence at this time and was sleeping on the lounge, had been for 2 weeks, this was to do with gaslighting at the time over an incident unrelated to PMO. He had been treating me like shit, stonewalling me, blaming me and making no effort whatsoever to resolve anything. It's all in my journal from about 31st May to 4th June. Something else that just "smells" to me is that the video came in on 30th May and I know he was on messenger the same evening, out in the lounge room because he'd been messaging people about cars, it was around the same time his car died, so was messaging about cars for sale. But also, because things were not good between us he'd also stopped doing his check-ins for 4 days in a row 1 June to 4 June. He'd been doing them up to that point even though we'd been sleeping separately for 2 weeks.

    It all may just be pure coincidence but long gone are the days that I just accept that. Even if it was and he didn't watch it as he says, he still withheld information from me and that constitutes lying in my book. He said he probably didn't want to say anything at the time because we were already on bad terms. Nope sorry that doesn't work for me. Not this far into his "so called" recovery. You don't get to play that bullshit card with me. Like I said to him. The universe works in mysterious ways. It looks to me like you were sent a test - lets see how honest you can be when things are going shit in your relationship. I said "You had an opportunity to build trust or destroy trust - and you chose to destroy it" Even though we were on bad terms, he could of come forth immediately, saying this video has come through, I have not looked at it but I'm telling you because of my commitment to honesty no matter what (including whether we are getting along or not). Now this would have been a MONUMENTAL MOMENT that would have shown me his commitment to honesty no matter the circumstances. But NO, he made a decision to go the other way and say nothing. And now that it's come to light, 8 weeks later, I'm supposed to just TRUST. I don't fucking think so. I'm supposed to believe that he never watched it. That he never had a thought about it again. This is coming from a porn addict. Porn addicts have constant flashbacks. So there was no flashback or curiosity for weeks after of "I wonder what that video was my mate sent me" "why would he send me that, he rarely sends me anything" - what no thoughts like that - I find that hard to believe!!

    So all in all, the video was still sitting there 8 weeks later. Whether he watched it or not I feel he has shown ZERO responsibility or integrity.

    He has committed to complete honesty with me. He knows honesty means the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.

    It was his RESPONSIBILITY to

    1) Speak up immediately no matter the circumstances because that's what complete honesty and nothing but the truth means. A genuine and sincere man in recovery would come to me immediately, ring me if need be, text me, message me, whichever - whatever it takes to be immediately honest. What's going on at the time is IRRELEVANT!!

    2) Do something about the video. Get me to delete it after we've talked about it if need be. Rather than it sit there for 2 months as a temptation to look at or to be watched multiple times over - whichever it is.

    3) Make me aware so we could discuss what to do about this friend. As far as I'm concerned he needs to be blocked. I don't care how old a friend he is. To me it's like a drug dealer offering my drug addict (dopamine) husband drugs. NOT OK!!!

    So yeah, as per usual he holds the stance that he is innocent of seeing or viewing any of it. And even if that is the case, I'm left in a cloud of doubt and distrust as per usual because nothing about his actions showed HONESTY in the first place!!!

    So I don't know what to do or think. As I say I am highly doubtful and distrusting and why the hell wouldn't I be, look at what the man has put me through for the last 8 years.
  2. HonestyMatters

    HonestyMatters Fapstronaut

    This afternoon, after I wrote that last post, I've tried to make a conscious effort to be mindful and not obsess with my thoughts, to not spiral into what a fool he must take me for, telling me how honest he's being but conveniently forgets to mention that.

    Anyhow, I chose to take on a new perspective this afternoon. And that is, that the universe is always sending us signs, well I believe so anyway, nothing is just pure coincidence. And after my thread which I just randomly started in the SOS Forum yesterday, it's quite unbelievable really, yes the universe does really work in mysterious ways.

    So on that note, I took it as another wake up call. Another reminder, to not ever get too hopeful or trusting. That every time something happens like this it's the universe telling me the importance of my own independence, how necessary it is for me to nurture strength of spirit, to take care of me mentally, emotionally and physically, how important it is to never ever be dependent on a man. That things can always change in an instant and if or when that time comes, I must be ready and able to stand firmly, with resilience, confidence and strength, ready to go forth on my own if need be.

    So for the remainder of the afternoon I put some relaxing meditation music on in the background and got through the jobs I needed to do. I also did an abs, thighs and butt workout that took about 25 mins (hopefully I won't end up with mega sore hip flexors again) and then I did a run on the treadmill. It was a 2km run, not a long way but enough to build up a sweat and get a bit of cardio in. My gauge on running is I have to run til my lungs burn because usually my legs are quite strong and I'm an ex-smoker so it's good to give the lungs a workout.


    This is beautiful to listen to when you just need something calming .... :emoji_heartpulse:

    Last edited: Jul 31, 2019
    hope4healing likes this.
  3. HonestyMatters

    HonestyMatters Fapstronaut

    He read my journal last night and initiated a conversation about it instead of avoiding me.

    Although, when I started to tell him that the biggest problem with it all is "lack of transparency / honesty" , he started to become defensive and protective of himself. Kept butting in and cutting off what I was trying to say. I told him "you are not holding space for me" and he immediately stopped and started to listen to me. That was progress.

    I told him how I felt. He says he understands that he stuffed up by not saying anything even though he hadn't looked at anything. That he still should have been transparent. Why is this so difficult for them - Really?? He is annoyed that he is in trouble for something when he didn't do anything wrong. As I have said it's the withholding of information. If he didn't watch the video then he clearly knew that it could be something erotic / porn related. At that point it should of been discussed. It's that simple - that's what your in trouble for.

    I asked him to sleep out on the lounge last night. I just wanted space from him. He has now blocked said friend in Messenger and blocked his posts in Facebook. He still did his check in with me and things have been relative normal between us. He told me he was very sorry and didn't mean to hurt me from something 8 wks ago. That he loves me very much and understands why I would be so doubtful and distrusting and is kicking himself because it's like one step forward to steps back all the time. He came and gave me a kiss goodbye before work this morning. I was asleep and it startled me out of a very weird dream I was having....I often can't remember dreams but being so suddenly woken everything was very vivid.

    Still feeling a little perplexed and unsettled by everything but I'm going to try and focus on the day ahead and be productive.

    We were supposed to be doing Part B of "Hold Me Tight" last night but I just wanted to be left alone. Maybe tonight after his boxing but he'll most likely be completely exhausted.
  4. HonestyMatters

    HonestyMatters Fapstronaut

    We talked again last night after he was home from boxing, dinner finished and cleaning up done.

    It went well. He listened to my feelings and concerns. He knows he messed up that he didn't show me straight away that his friend had sent something that could be inappropriate. He maintains that he was busy at the time, because he needed to find a new car, wasn't sure what it was and that it could be inappropriate so closed out of it and thought nothing more of it. The other link that was received from an anonymous user has since been blocked by messenger and does not even show on his mobile app. It's there when you look on a laptop but can't be seen from his mobile. Like I said to him, I don't blame him or hold him responsible for what others send. I do know that we all get sent random friend requests or messages from unknown users in facebook / messenger. My concern was whether he viewed the link and then just didn't tell me anything.

    I understand his view point that he has no reason to lie. He has been forthcoming over the past 12 months and does tell me his thoughts and urges so it doesn't make sense that he'd lie about that when he has been honest about other things. He understands that this whole mess and me being suspicious and doubtful could have been completely avoided if he'd just shown me straight away which would have earned trust rather than diminish it when it's discovered later.

    He said he's sincerely sorry and won't make that mistake again. Anything that looks doubtful he'll let me know. He's also blocked said friend to avoid any more videos like that being sent. So we agreed to put it behind us and keep moving forward. We have progressed to far and have been doing so much better to just let it all unravel and there are always going to be things that are sent to test both of us. Its how we handle them and learn from them that is important.

    We were both tired, especially him working all day and then 2 hours of boxing but we pushed on and completed the second part of Conversation 4 in Hold Me Tight.
    Last edited: Aug 1, 2019
  5. HonestyMatters

    HonestyMatters Fapstronaut


    Conversation 4 - Part B " What Do I Need Most From You "

    In Part A, we explored and spoke of our core attachment fears. This naturally leads to a recognition of our primary attachment needs. So in this exercise we needed to directly state to one another those attachment needs which only our partner can satisfy.

    The author shares the stories of 3 different couples and how they each share their attachment needs with one another.

    After reading we each had to focus on...

    1) a past secure relationship and imagine that person is in front of you and what you would tell him or her is your deepest attachment need in that relationship.

    2) a past relationship where you did not feel securely connected. What was it that you really needed from this person?

    3) in your current relationship, what is it that you most need from your partner in order to feel secure and loved. Then begin this conversation for real with your partner.

    So my responses were as follows -

    1) For my most secure relationship, I chose one of my closest friends. My deepest attachment need there is to feel bonded, to feel that I'm not alone and that she feels and understands me.

    2) For my most insecure relationship, I chose my mother when I was a child / teenager. What I needed most from her is to show an interest in me and for her to give me her time.

    3) In my relationship with my husband, what I need most in order to feel secure and loved....
    • That he is there with me. That he leans in and moves closer to me if I'm struggling, upset or feeling hurt. That he connects with me through A.R.E conversation (accessible, responsive & engaged). That I can count on him to be there for me, to not leave me alone when I need him the most.
    • That he shows a genuine interest, asks inquisitive questions. Makes me feel like "he feels me". Makes me feel that he wants to explore my mind & emotions, that he wants to know and bond with me
    • That he is being 100% true & honest with me always. No secrets, nothing hidden, no lies. Even during our most difficult times when we might be arguing or on bad terms
    After each writing out our responses we then said them to each other and gave our responses to them.

    His response to mine is that he intellectually understands what I need and want but is afraid that he won't be able to do it properly. He has a fear of being rejected or not being enough. To which I responded, all I need is for him to try his best and to want to be there and to want to do what I need from him.

    My husbands responses were as follows -

    1) For his most secure relationship he chose his father. His deepest attachment need there is to feel that he is good enough and that his father is proud of him.

    2) For his most insecure relationship he chose his last two ex girlfriends. What he needed most from them was to feel safe in the relationship, not fear being abandoned for someone else. To feel safe that this wouldn't happen.

    3) In his relationship with me, what he needs most in order to feel secure and loved....
    • is to know that he is enough for me and that I will not abandon him
    • to know that he won't be attacked for not being enough
    • to be able to live without fear
    • to feel loved & accepted, even with his failings and imperfections. That he can't be perfect for me
    • to feel heard & respected. For me not to dismiss him or leap into thinking the worst of him
    • to give him a chance to learn how to be with me
    My response to him was that I will not abandon him. We have been together for 22 years and after everything we have been through I have not abandoned him and I don't have any intention to. There is only one reason I would leave and that is if he lies or deceives me with his PA or doesn't follow through with his recovery. If he stays honest with me and continues to work on rebuilding the trust and connection back into our relationship that in my eyes that will be enough for me, that he will be enough for me.

    So this was really good. For us both to get our attachment needs out and to discuss them openly and honestly with each other. So after that drew to a close he went and spoke with his support person for a short while while I made us some dessert and a milo. We snuggled up together after that and watched some Stargate SG-1 and went to sleep.

    Last edited: Aug 1, 2019
    Vizsla Dad and hope4healing like this.

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