Getting physical is NOT ok . It sounds like the P is the least of your problems! Do you FEEL like you are in a safe place physically? Your previous posts make him sound like a saint compared to what you just wrote . Ofcourse he would want you to paint him in a pretty pastel color . But that’s not the truth ! You are here with truth /facts . I would paint him in the darkest red and the deepest darkest black given this post . I mean wtf . This is heavy shit and I’m so sorry you have dealt with physical abuse for so long as well as emotional, verbal etc . Ok so you scream and yell when you are hurt , scared , that’s not the best tactic either . That is VERY different than putting your hands on someone.