Journal of My Story..... Thoughts | Feelings | Healing | Partners Recovery

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by HonestyMatters, Sep 7, 2018.

  1. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    Agreed but my question is , even coming clean the act should still have consequences?
     
  2. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    Ok I’m a dummy lol
    I’m confused on consequences. So if my hubby says to me “ hey I intentionally sought out a psub 22 hours ago , no consequences???
     
  3. JustSadPorn

    JustSadPorn Fapstronaut

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    I'm not sure I agree with the "no consequences if disclosed within 24 hours" rule. I'd say it depends on several factors:
    • How is the SO feeling about the lapse? If her BT is in full force and she is terribly upset, she might need space from him for her own well-being. So he sleeps on the couch for a few days to give her time to recover. I think this is a really important consideration, and could vary from situation to situation.

    • Is the addict serious enough about recovery to impose some sort of consequence on himself? Can he deal with it without making his SO the "bad guy?"

    • What was the nature of the infraction? For example, if my husband hired a prostitute and then told me about it right away, there would still be HUGE consequences for him.
     
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  4. HonestyMatters

    HonestyMatters Fapstronaut

    Yep, I agree with this.
    But now I'm going to ask it from the other end of the spectrum.
    Only about 1 hour had past before all this happened. Not a lot of time to really think about it i guess.
    Should that make a difference do you think or not?
     
    Last edited: Nov 18, 2018
  5. HonestyMatters

    HonestyMatters Fapstronaut

    Yes, I agree @JustSadPorn ... all very valid points that probably should be considered too!
     
  6. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    I like to think him knowing regardless of wether he tells me or is “found out “ he has a consequence. It’s like another layer of a preventative measure ? That’s my take . It hasn’t happened so I don’t know how I’d handle it but I agree with you @JustSadPorn theres factors / layers
     
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  7. HonestyMatters

    HonestyMatters Fapstronaut

    Thanks for inserting your two cents @Kenzi ;) all the feedback is truly helpful.

    So RS called you and said he relapsed. Everything would be different if my H had immediately taken action.
    I said this to him this morning. When doing check-in (or sooner) he could have said I do have something I need to tell you.
    Even if he said I can't talk about it yet, I need more time.
    We'd definitely be in a far better place right now!
    He would have a least shown accountability and honesty even if he wasn't prepared to give details yet.

    Your SO sounds like he holds the Bar up very high for himself.
    I think this is Remarkable! Sooo much better than not high enough.

    And yes, I've initiated many conversations with him on what defines what?
    I need it all broken down and clearly understood by both of us so there's no misunderstandings or grey areas.
    Half the time, he thinks it's all to time consuming but I think it's an absolute necessity.
    It was about 3 weeks ago I said to him I want him to read about "The Circles" and do up his own.
    Furthermore, I don't want just PSubs written in the Middle or Inner circle.
    I want a written detailed list of what all these PSUBS are exactly.
    He did the circles but still hadn't defined what psubs are for him.
    I have been pressing him for this for the past 2 weeks.
    After all this happened I "blew my stack" because it's another Psub and still I don't know what they all are for him.
    He reckons it's near on impossible because there's so many for him.
    I said well start with 20 - so last night he wrote out 20. These 20 by the way are all inner circles because they've all led him to porn or masturbation previously.
    And I actually agree with RS that NAKED is as good as porn and so not just a PSUB. I will have to discuss this further with my H. Currently I think he see's it as a Psub. Either way it's an Inner Circle for him and it's a Boundary Violation to me.

    It's interesting you know. Before he went to work this morning I said to him there needs to be way more clarity on these PSubs.
    Like for instance, he wrote down looking up Bikini sites last night as a Psub and I said "Ok, so if there's women getting around in bikini's in some movie or TV show we're watching then what about that?" He said No, it's not an issue really. I said WHY?? What's the difference between searching on google for women in bikini's and watching it on TV. He said the type of bikini they are wearing!! When I go searching I'm looking for erotic bikini's, like micro (barely covering), sheer bikini's, the type of swimwear you don't usually see women wearing normally or on TV. Ok, I can understand what he's getting at. But this is what I mean, nothing is ever clear cut or simple with him. So just with that Psub alone, it's all about how erotic the bikini is and how much is hanging out ??? I bet it counts whose bloody wearing it too!!! You know, some are going to wear it better than others RIGHT ??

    As for my boundaries & consequences we've been through them all and thorough discussion on them lots of times. He has agreed to uphold them and signed them as well. And it's also one of his dailies to read them. Three weeks ago, I also added a page in called "Boundary Parameters" So every time something comes up, that seems to be him trying to bend or stretch boundaries. The specifics of that boundary is written in even more detail on this page. So as to be VERY CLEAR!! He can tend to play semantics or split hairs on everything.

    I long for this Day Kenzi!!
    Do you think this is to do with how far he's into Recovery or his personality type - maybe both? My husband has always tended to be on the lazy side, always looking for short cuts or the easy way out in anything really. Him and I are very different in this regard, I'm more thorough, detailed, looking for the best way not necessarily the easiest.

    Yep, I'm still trying to work it all out at the moment. He's got a straight up 7 day separate sleeping arrangements for LYING that started last night. I'm still juggling this whole "24 hr" thing and "p-sub violation" It was a definite p-sub violation but because the 24hr rule was in place at the time I'm trying to figure out whether this should be a straight up 2nd consequence or more lenient because of the confusion around the "24hrs"

    So I'll write more on that later.

    And I tell you, what really PISSES me off at the moment too, is it's our fkn WEDDING ANNIVERSARY in 5 days and I was hoping to do something special together and not be going through all of this BULLSHIT with him!!! We were planning on going away for the weekend together but ended up changing plans a few weeks back, and Thank God, I'd hate to be away together under these circumstances...

    *UGH* *SIGH* *SIGH* :(
     
  8. HonestyMatters

    HonestyMatters Fapstronaut

    Yep. Your right it's not that difficult.
    The only difficulty is him feeling that I'm controlling him.
    I wrote a journal earlier (word vomit of my frustrations) will post it once I reply to you. But it was kinda about that.
    We don't have cable. The laws are obviously different in this country. This is on basic TV. There's at least 2 channels that have a lot of nudity / sex scenes etc after 8.30pm, nothing blurred out, no such thing here.
    A thought though, I could possibly delete those channels (maybe?) I'll have to see if I can actually do that with the TV.

    Well that's promising then. So there's hope that he may change despite his lazy ways.
    He says he wants to be rid of this addiction and never look at porn again! (who can tell if it's just a heat of the moment word spew or not). But funny you say about returning to porn in their 80s.
    This was something I was thinking about a few weeks back.
    See he's 7 years older than me. And I started thinking, what's going to happen when he retires.
    Retirement age is the same for both men & women here.
    So if I have to keep working once he retires, most likely, unless we have some financial windfall then that's like 7 years of him being at home on his own and well - my mind started to boggle!
    I know it's something quite a few years off but still it's something that came to me. I started thinking well he won't be able to retire then I guess until we both can together. But yeah - these are all things that go through my head!
    RS's works and lists are awesome! I remember looking at them when I first joined NF. I'm not sure if my H has. Maybe he could wander over there for inspiration and put together some things of his own.

    I take it the kids know about what's going on if things are up on the walls.
    I recall you mentioning they're all older - so are ours (well between early and late teens)
    That brings to mind a conversation that was finally had with the kids 2 nights ago.
    There's no arguing that his addiction has caused horrendous turmoil in this household for 7+ years.
    But it's never been directly spoken about with the kids. Well I have to some extent. But their father has been in complete denial the entire time. And so I said I think it's high time the kids are spoken to about the BIG FAT ELEPHANT in the room that they know all about, have done for years (it's hard to miss) but never been directly spoken to about by us together as a team because he always made out that he didn't have a problem - I was the problem.
    Anyway so we did that! How that went is a whole other story...
     
  9. HonestyMatters

    HonestyMatters Fapstronaut

    MY CHECKLIST - 18/11/18 to 20/11/18
    • My husband has said he's "No PMO" and being completely honest with me :emoji_heavy_check_mark:
    • My Boundaries are in place & being met :emoji_heavy_check_mark:
    • My husband has initiated & connected with me about his thoughts, feelings or urges thru Daily Check-In :emoji_heavy_check_mark:
    • My husband has communicated with me in the last week about his recovery work (either through talking or his journal) :emoji_heavy_check_mark: (I feel this is lacking a little, I'd like more in-depth detail and more updates)
    Us

    Brief discussion, it’s early and he’s finished getting ready for work.
    He’s got about 15 mins before he needs to leave. He comes in the bedroom, says hi and asks me how I’m feeling?
    I said a lot of thoughts going on. He said what are you thinking?
    I said oh just lots of things – like Did you read Kenzi’s post on my jnl – the last one.
    He said Yes, the one about removing cable?
    I said it makes me think - What would you be unwilling to do to beat this addiction?
    Him – I don’t know, I don’t think there’s anything I wouldn’t do, I guess it depends if it’s reasonable.
    I said what would you deem unreasonable?
    I said it takes me back to how many times before (over the years) when I’ve tried to implement things to make me feel safer and to get him to deal with his PA, he’s told me I just want to control him and take everything away from him.
    He gets up and walks to the kitchen. He’s apparently remembered something else he needs to do.

    (By everything, he means the things he likes that have been linked to porn or psubs in some way, that he also uses normally but has abused in his addiction in some way or other. For instance, his phone, his laptop, the TV, movie / TV series swapping at work, extra time spent at work, the beach etc… so when limiting or placing boundaries around these things, his reaction is I’m controlling him, I’m the bad one).

    A few minutes later he comes back in grabs his socks and goes sits in the hallway to put them on and then comes back in our bedroom and I’m just thinking how he always does this.
    As soon as he’s uncomfortable about anything I’m saying it’s like he makes himself busy.
    If I sat there and said nothing, I can just about guarantee he wouldn’t move.
    He comes back in looks at me looking at him and so sits on the bed.
    I said it feels like every time we are going through these situations (like he’s on a consequence of broken boundary) all sorts of feelings and thoughts come up for me.
    He said like what?
    I said well, for starters, I start to feel very unsafe about so many things.
    He pauses for a second, then gets up and walks to the bathroom and stands in there for a minute.
    Apparently, he’s just remembered to check that he hasn’t got food in his teeth before he leaves to go to work.
    He comes back and says, So what can I do to make you feel safe?
    I said well, for starters, you can stop getting up and leaving every time I say something, it’s like an avoidance tactic to me.
    He says, I have to do things as I think about them, it’s just how I am, it’s just how I think. If your going to think anything of it then that’s your thinking not mine.
    And I said Yes, well my perception of it is instead of thinking about what I said, how I feel unsafe, you thought about your teeth instead.
    He gets up and says goodbye.
    I said you don’t really have to leave yet, you could stay another 5 mins. It’s only 6.55am. He doesn’t have to be at work til 7.30am. Half an hour is usually plenty of time to get there.
    He just closes the front door behind him.
    I shouldn’t have but I stood up and went out the front. He’s putting his shoes on.
    I said you could have stayed longer.
    He says, why your only attacking me and giving me a hard time.
    I said I am not. I’m just trying to talk to you, tell you how I’m feeling – my thoughts.
    You asked me what I’m thinking, then you don’t want to even stay in one spot to hear it.
    He walks to the car and starts getting in.
    I said it’s this kind of behaviour I’ve had a lifetime of with you.
    He shuts the door and drives off.
    I go back inside.
    Yep, it’s all this stuff – this is why I feel unsafe. Unheard. Uncared about.


    Thought last night

    How many times he’s said to me in the past how he feels like he’s walking on eggshells whenever he’s using his devices, looking at TV or watching a swapped movie, even going to the beach or if we’re at the mall and there’s attractive women around.
    Walking on eggshells when he knows he’s not doing anything wrong...
    This is when he had me believe the PA was long gone, been gone for nearly 3 years!
    Now in hindsight, when I think of all those times he’s said this to me,
    he was very active in his PA and trying to make me feel guilty, me feel bad,
    Even though he knew damn well he’d been lying to me all along – WTF???
     
  10. HonestyMatters

    HonestyMatters Fapstronaut

    We kind of said the same, we'll be upfront and honest about what we are dealing with,
    but we don't have to go into detail exactly.
    He started the conversation something along the lines of
    "You know your mother and I have been dealing with a lot of problems over the years,
    well the truth is I have a pornography addiction"
    The youngest, pipes up and says "You don't say"
    The kids all think is quite hilarious. Especially the eldest (you'd think he'd have a bit more bloody maturity)
    I had to tell them to stop it! It's not funny! Show some bloody respect.
    Because this is a serious situation believe it or not.
    Anyway, he says "So I just want to say that all the arguments your mother and I have had, it's not your mothers fault,
    she wasn't just being crazy, it's true I do have a problem. It is an addiction"
    He said, I was trying to deal with it, I thought I could control it but really I was just in denial.
    He then said, so if you see me sleeping separately in another room. This is why! (This is because C was just starting - Again)
    The eldest started cracking up, just about rolling on the floor,
    having a hysterical laughter fit and the other 2 can't help but laugh too.
    I got really annoyed with them.
    The eldest said Sorry and tried to explain, it's just funny thinking Dad's in the Dog house because of Porn.
    The youngest pipes up that everyone watches porn, we've all seen it, my friends watch it, everyone does. If I tried to tell my friends that they could get addicted to it then everyone would find it absolutely hilarious.

    Don't worry I have had multiple conversations about addictions over the years with them.
    All sorts, Drugs, Alcohol, Gambling, Pornography!!

    They are all very aware of it - trying to get them to take it seriously though at their age is another THING!

    While all this is going on, my daughter is like "I don't even get how anyone could become addicted to Porn!!
    They've all admitted before they've dabbled in it at times. I know they have over the years, (like I say their early to late teens)
    I've found things, seen things they've viewed.
    It's another reason why I installed OpenDNS - Family Shield years ago. To try and protect everyone from it.
    But I know the eldest is HIGHLY tech savvy.
    Back then (few years ago) he said, you know it's easy to get around RIGHT?
    I'd only have to go through another DNS server....

    I feel like I'm totally FUCKING UP AGAINST IT!!!

    Anyway, I said, Look - the whole point of the conversation is to just to be upfront and honest with you's.
    I know you's are all getting older, and you's are FAR from NAIVE!
    That is why I wanted to have the conversation.
    So you know what's going on. But also to point out that all the times we have spoken to you about Addiction and how serious it is,
    That it is REAL. It happens! It's not a joke!
    Your father's sitting here telling you this right now.
    This is what he's going through!
    Everyone is just as VULNERABLE to something like this or some other Addiction.

    Anyway, we left it at that for now.
    It certainly won't be the last of it.
    I've already had issues with my eldest around Gambling, Drugs (and not just Pot) and Porn
    Also the youngest, with Pot and Porn
    Both males.

    So yeah. We did it. It wasn't quite how I'd liked it to have gone.
    But hey, it's 3 TEENAGERS. What can you expect?
    Anyway, it's done. And there will be many more conversations to come around Porn Addiction...especially for our Sons!!
    So I'm happy about that!
     
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  11. HonestyMatters

    HonestyMatters Fapstronaut

    MY CHECKLIST - 21/11/18
    • My husband has given me his word that he's "No PMO" and being completely honest with me :emoji_heavy_check_mark:
    • My Boundaries are in place & being met :emoji_heavy_check_mark:
    • My husband has initiated & connected with me about his thoughts, feelings or urges thru Daily Check-In :emoji_heavy_check_mark:
    • My husband has communicated with me in the last week about his recovery work (either through talking or his journal) :emoji_heavy_check_mark: (I still feel this is lacking somewhat, I'd like more in-depth detail and more updates)


    Consequence of Broken Boundaries

    You landed on a TV channel with Nudity and stayed there. You knew what you were doing was wrong but you stayed there anyway and justified it inside your own “Addict Brain” with excuses.

    This was, at minimum a PSub violation (possibly 'any nudity' should be categorised as Porn). This PSub is an Inner Circle for you and a Boundary Violation to me.

    At Daily Check-in (incidentally only 1 hour later) you lied flat out to me and said “I’m PMO Free and I have been honest with you”

    Straight after Check-in I felt something was off, and so questioned you whether you were really "PMO Free and being honest with me". Initially you said “Yes I am” then realised I was on to you and admitted you’d slipped in the previous hour.

    You have a “24 hour” window to come clean. There was no stipulation in it, that if I directly ask you because I’m suspicious, that the “24-hour rule”, now no longer applies.

    You have not violated or abused the “24-hour rule” previously as far as I’m aware. So, for now it stays.

    To make this RULE CLEARER !! From now on, you must come clean within 24 hours or at the next Check-in whichever is earliest. This will avoid the loophole of lying at Check-In because of a 24 rule. My preference is you just tell me straight away, even if that means needing to call me! Also, if I SUSPECT something, and ASK YOU DIRECTLY then IMMEDIATE honesty is required THERE and THEN. You can have the option of details later if you feel the need, but you must own the slip or relapse if there’s been one.

    I’ve imposed a 7-day separate sleeping consequence for the LYING during Check-In. Although it wasn’t stated, it should be clear that the nature of Check-in's is to develop honest communication & accountability. Therefore, it’s pretty obvious you can’t LIE during it. As far as I’m aware this is a first violation in LYING.

    I’m not going to impose a 2nd consequence at this time for the PSub. This is a first time violation as well (as far as I know) so I’m going to give the benefit of the doubt that you would have come clean within 24-hours, as you have been honest with me to date about your thoughts, feelings, urges (Well at least I think you have been ??) If you feel that a 2nd consequence should be imposed, I’d like to know.

    Quite Frankly, (And Yes I’m being Mrs Frank again!!) the LYING to ME is a FAR WORSE VIOLATION than the PSUB/PORN.

    What I do want, is the 2 channels on Basic TV that have frequent nudity / sex scenes completely removed from all TV’s in the house if this is Possible!


    Secondly

    Because I feel you are stretching / bending the boundary around Movie swapping at work with Co-workers I need to SAY this. The rule was you only take movies that you’ve checked on IMDB first, and that have NO Nudity or Sex Scenes.

    I feel I’ve been very LIENENT in still even allowing the whole movie swapping thing because I don’t feel it’s safe. These Men are swapping Porn and PSUB movies. Maybe not all the time but You have gotten plenty of both from them previously.

    Now, Because they are sometimes standing around, you have started taking movies and checking them on IMDB later, then deleting them if they’re not appropriate. As you have stated, this caused you to have an urge to view it because it was now in your possession. I know you said you didn’t and just deleted it but I believe this is RISKY behaviour. And I don’t care about this TESTING yourself business either, that you say is a good thing to do. I DON’T AGREE! I don’t think you are anywhere near far along enough to be thinking about TESTING yourself.

    So, from now on, if you can’t check there and then, before taking the movies, THEN DON’T BLOODY TAKE THEM! I thought this was already clear!! Obviously NOT!! If this is going to be a continued problem I’d rather you just STOP THE WHOLE MOVIE SWAPPING THING AT WORK ALTOGETHER because we both know that this has been an “ADDICTION IN ITSELF” for you over the years and it got way out of hand a few years back!!
     
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  12. HonestyMatters

    HonestyMatters Fapstronaut

    MY CHECKLIST - 22/11/18 to 28/11/18
    • My husband has given me his word that he's "No PMO" and being completely honest with me :emoji_heavy_check_mark:
    • My Boundaries are in place & being met :emoji_heavy_check_mark:
    • My husband has initiated & connected with me about his thoughts, feelings or urges thru Daily Check-In :emoji_heavy_check_mark:
    • My husband has communicated with me in the last week about his recovery work (either through talking or his journal) :emoji_heavy_check_mark:
    B & C's

    My H's lying C finished on Sunday. We had 7 nights of separate sleeping arrangements. He kept up his daily check-ins and his recovery work. It was our Wedding Anniversary on Saturday and despite being on a C we actually had beautiful day together. He spoiled me with a beautiful bouquet of flowers and a pair of 9ct gold earrings. He also wrote me a beautiful card, with the most meaningful words I think I've ever received from him. We went out for a delicious breakfast together, then to the beach for a couple of hours, home for some relaxation and a movie together and later that evening went out for romantic dinner together. It was a perfect day and we both had a great time. At dinner while we were waiting for our meals we actually did some of the questions from the Gottman Card Decks App. It was from the open-ended questions deck. It sparked some interesting conversation while we waited for our meals and I'd like to use it more often. Would definitely recommend it to any couple looking to improve communication and intimacy within their relationship.

    No PMO

    He is now on Day 11 of his no porn, masturbation or sex (day 16 really of no M or O). We are doing ok. So far he seems to be managing it quite well and no real complaints. He's had achey balls though but has been doing the daily massages as advised by NFA so I think that helps. He's been very affectionate toward me and spends a lot of time snuggling me and giving me lots of love and attention. He's also been very attentive to my sexual needs in ways other than sex a couple of times now so I'm feeling satisfied there.

    Healing

    The last couple of weeks I've been mainly focusing on my CBT material for Generalised Anxiety as I'd let it slip to the wayside a little. I've nearly finished the anxiety course and am about to begin Social Anxiety. The course work has been helpful and I feel it's made a difference. I just need to spend more time implementing the tools into my daily life and be consistent with it. Anxiety is something I've really struggled with over the past 7 years from the discovery of his porn addiction, through all the years of his denial, and multiple d days since. It's been severe and unbelievably debilitating. The work I do is cognitive behavioural therapy so it really focuses on changing the way you think and your belief systems. There's a lot of focus on postponing your worries and only dealing with them at a set time each day and only for a limited time. We practice mindfulness through attention training exercises and through meditation as well as other tools like the helpful thinking diary and different problem solving tools.

    His Recovery

    He's been working through his NoFap Academy course material. He's told me a little bit about it but not that much really. I know he's only at the start so hopefully he'll want to share his responses with me more as he gets further into it. He's still reading on NoFap but has gotten slack again writing in his journal.

    Feelings / Thoughts

    I've actually been feeling pretty good in the past few weeks overall. So this is a pleasant change and I hope it lasts. I think I feel more optimistic and hopeful that he's actually been trying which is more than he's ever done. I know I can't just base my happiness on his recovery because who knows what the future holds and he's let me down so many times before but I'm definitely feeling more positive about everything. What is really important to me is building my self back up again. Building up my confidence, my self-esteem, my self-worth and my independence. I know that this is where my focus needs to be so that no matter what happens not only will I survive but I will THRIVE. This is my Goal. But I'm also taking it slowly as the past years have been completely exhausting and so I just need to rejuvenate and revive myself as well.

    Well that's it for now,
    Goodnight!
     
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  13. HonestyMatters

    HonestyMatters Fapstronaut

    Now here’s a funny one for ya!!

    It’s been a bit tense the past few days
    Lots of reasons....
    My anxiety and trauma have been through the roof!!
    He’s going on about how bad I’m treating him....
    The gist of it is I say yep, well I’m dealing with a lot, I’ve got anxiety, I feel depressed, I’m stressed out to the max, I’m traumatised by your porn/paraphilla shit circus, I’ve got kids in my head nonstop, yada yada, what do you expect!?!

    I’m going on about betrayal trauma to him and he says

    “He’s traumatised by my betrayal trauma”

    Yep, RIGHTO , just hang on a tick, I’ll go call the effn Pity Party for you!!!! :mad::mad:
     
  14. HonestyMatters

    HonestyMatters Fapstronaut

    OOhhh and another line, me going on about his porn addiction and he refers it to me as " An Old Addiction " , get real , GET out of your Porn Addict Brain!!!

    A porn addiction that's decades long?!? that I can count on my fingers and toes the number of weeks it's been since you were last hittin' it!!!

    Nope, sorry that ain't no old addiction!!! Get out of your FKN BRAIN FOG and get into your RECOVERY WORK!!!!
     
  15. Darkligh

    Darkligh Fapstronaut

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    My ex( two weeks after DDay ): When I used porn in the PAST... bla bla bla ....
    Minimalization and rationalization tactic while he was blaming me for overacting and exaggerating.
    Very inteligent man in his 40's "couldn't " understand action and reaction the simplest law.
     
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  16. HonestyMatters

    HonestyMatters Fapstronaut

    This is just a vent....probably won't be understood by anyone else

    So I tried to discuss it and what absolutely blew my mind away is the fact that he said it is so insignificant to him that he didn't even think about it. Something so traumatic to me, so alarming to me, causing me so much trauma is so insignificant to him and is probably why he can't remember it. FUCK ME is all I can say.....FML. What hope is there recovery?!? Not to even include or think about what is without question the most alarming and terrifying thing of all his problems....
     
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  17. Rock_Star

    Rock_Star Fapstronaut

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    That's really sad, I'm so sorry for you. if it gives you any solace I use to be the same way. it took me a long time to figure out that what's important to kenzi is important to me. I realized that I chose her, all her worries, all her concerns, everything. when something bothers her or something hurts her it also hurts me. you're not insignificant and your pain is real. I hope he can become a man and be there for you. I read this in an article yesterday. Boys take. Men give. Boys create problems. Men solve problems. Boys complain. Men figure it out. Boys pout. Men endure. Boys blame. Men own. Boys wish. Men do. Boys start. Men finish. Boys stiffen their neck. Men bend their knees. hope this helps you.
     
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  18. HonestyMatters

    HonestyMatters Fapstronaut

    Thanku @Rock_Star

    This is BRILLIANT! It's going on the fridge. If HE can't comprehend it then maybe our 2 teenage sons might get something out of it. They lack decent guidance from their father BIG TIME!!!

    It is really sad and thank you for showing empathy. I don't for the life of me know if it's ever going to be a "USE TO BE" for him. That's my level of optimism and hope right now. It's always been a case of what's important to me has always been so down on his priority list.

    My world would be a better place if I ever heard this come out of his mouth. But not just hear it, him actually mean it, his great at talking words that are empty. Says something one day, can't even remember he said it the next, and his meaningful important Words are rarely followed through with Action. It's hard not to lose hope.

    Thanks for your kind words and wishing you, Kenzi & the family a wonderful Chrissy!
     
    Trappist and Rock_Star like this.
  19. HonestyMatters

    HonestyMatters Fapstronaut

    Thank you @GhostWriter , that really means a lot!!!!
     
  20. HonestyMatters

    HonestyMatters Fapstronaut

    VENTING........

    Apparently I'm just a verbally abusive bitch. I know I can be brutal and my words can come out harsh. I'm not known for my pussy footing around especially in this situation where I've been fucked over so many times before. I might be harsh but I think I'm also just being brutally honest. Why?? Because I need to cut through the bullshit. He wants soft meek gentle me that he can brush aside easily and manipulate and is nice and pliable. He'll sit there and say all this is over one thing that he done. But it's not one thing, it's just another Nick in the huge festering infected wound that is. The festering wound is the recovery that feels like its starting to slide, the feeling of his half hearted going through the motions but don't really want to do this vibe, the disconnection and cut off.....

    I feel like everything is just shaking and pulsating inside my being. I don't know if it's anger or trauma or maybe it's both unleashed at the same time. I try to tell him my feelings, as a result of what I see in him, what his actions are showing and all I get told is it's my perception not actually what is happening. All his negative traits surface, the stonewaller, the sit next to you but sit in silence while I speak to the dead of silence. The stubborn is born with an ego so inflated it is impenetrable. He wants his ego stroked, he doesn't want to hear the truth. The truth is abusive and mean and nasty. It's designed apparently to just hurt him. He doesn't want to hear that your a drug addict. Your choice of drug is dopamine. The source of your drug is other women. You've been a user since you were a teenager. You created an environment for the last 4 decades for this addiction to thrive in. One that needs you to be a loner, to be unreachable, like a soul that you can't reach or grab a hold of, to relate or connect to. You kept all human contact at a distance so nobody could penetrate you. You gaslight me out of the need to self preservate and self protect that environment that which only you know and are accustomed to. You can't find your way out. I don't know that you even want out. You protect it so dearly with your stubbornness....You are lost and I don't think you even want to be found. Yes you are busy, you have a lot on your plate. You are struggling with work, there are challenges and difficulties there I get that. Yes you have kids, yes you cook dinner and you don't get a lot of time for yourself. I don't think your the only one in the world juggling recovery and a busy life. You complain that you haven't got time to do the work as much as you'd like to but what you fail to include constantly is that you'd also rather be doing anything else other than your recovery work. You don't reach out to me and ask me to try and lighten your load somehow so that you can do the recovery work that means so much to you that you are so committed to and really want to do. No you don't actually spend that much time with me or the kids. Your here of course but your not if that makes any sense. I don't mean to be so brutal but you have a knack of deflecting everything I say and to the point I do become brutally honest and verbose. And then you cry poor me. It's hard to help someone who doesn't want to help themselves.

    I ask you "should I be taking this risk on you" "Do you think you are worth it" because this is a huge risk for me. I've got everything to lose if you stay the same and you've got nothing, you just get the same old situation that you wanted in the first place. The situation that crushed me, that traumatised me that I could not build a fulfilling or satisfying or happy life in, that was lonely and isolating and a scary place to be. And you say to me "Am I worth it?" And I say WTF "Am I worth it?" What, your addiction, this lifestyle and this world you created is worth more than me is it? And you say, of course you would take it that way wouldn't you, that's not what I meant. And so I say "Then what did you mean then, what does that mean?" and you say I don't know, it's not something I can put into words.....

    I tell you, if you don't know if I'm worth it, then why don't you leave then, why don't you go hit rockbottom and fucking work it out. And you say "Because you don't want to". No it would seem you'd rather torture me with your silence, your gaslighting, your stubbornness, your half hearted approach to life and your recovery.....
     
    Last edited: Jan 5, 2019

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