Journal of My Story..... Thoughts | Feelings | Healing | Partners Recovery

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by HonestyMatters, Sep 7, 2018.

  1. Susannah

    Susannah Fapstronaut

    Oh, don't need to keep explaining anything about this ancient history or apologizing for it. I can't imagine anyone on this board or any reasonable person would judge you or think terribly of you. You, like all other humans, have done a thing you regret. You have apologized to everyone involved. That's it. There is nothing more to say.
    Darkligh and HonestyMatters like this.
  2. HonestyMatters

    HonestyMatters Fapstronaut

    Thank you @Susannah , I am overwhelmed at how understanding you are being. It truly amazes me. Thank you for your kind words , it means more than you can imagine xx
  3. HonestyMatters

    HonestyMatters Fapstronaut


    Pearl Jam - Pendulum

    Can't know what's high
    'Til you've been down so low
    The future's bright,
    Lit up with nowhere to go,
    To and fro the pendulum throws

    We are here and then we go
    My shadow left me long ago

    Understand what we don't know
    This might pass
    This might last
    This may grow
    Easy come and easy go
    Easy left me a long time ago

    I'm in the fire but I'm still cold
    Nothing works works for me anymore

    Ah ah ah ah ah
    To and fro the pendulum throws
    To and fro the pendulum throws

    To and fro
    To and fro
    Last edited: Feb 20, 2019
    Susannah likes this.
  4. HonestyMatters

    HonestyMatters Fapstronaut

    I'm not the kind of person that can just put something behind me without understanding it first.

    We've talked before about the "idea" of closing the book on this relationship and everything bad that was in it, his addiction, the lies, the secrets, the fights, the things said and done, all of it and start afresh.

    But I can't see how I can make peace with something I don't understand. I can't understand it because he tells me he can't remember it. How does one not remember their past? How does he ever get to his root causes if he can't remember it? I know he has to be able to get to his root causes of his addiction to be able to truly recover. How is this even possible if he tells me he can't remember his first 30 years in relation to porn and his addiction? How can I make a decision to start afresh if I can't see exactly what it is I am supposed to be putting behind me.

    I don't think there is anything that he could tell me in his past history (those first 30 years) that I couldn't handle or deal with. Unless it were terrible things, like rape or paedophilia or things that terrible then yes of course I would be shocked and would most likely struggle with anything like that. But he knows even from the past 7 months that I have not reacted badly when he gives me details of thoughts or urges he may of had that day even though they involve other women.

    I find it far more difficult dealing with the unknown than the known. It's the unknown I find disturbing.

    If I was to choose to walk away and start a whole new life without him in it, then it would be a different story. It wouldn't matter what I know or don't know. I would be starting fresh. It wouldn't matter to me if he understood his root causes or not because it would have no affect on my life. Of course, I'd hope he'd find that clarity but ultimately it would not effect me.

    But closing the book on everything and starting afresh with him, to me is a whole different ball game. To me there is no starting afresh if he can't self-discover and find those root causes. If he can't get clarity, if he can't remember, if he can't be forthright with me about those first 30 years of his life, and obviously the 20 years after that with me as well (but I feel he's somewhat made more progress there) then I don't feel safe or secure about putting behind me something I don't know or can't understand because I'm in the dark.

    I don't know if this makes sense to anyone ???

    And what really makes me feel unsafe is all the guardedness and defensiveness around it. And how he says that he has to be on guard and defensive because he feels under attack.

    But it's what "being under attack" looks like to him that is an even bigger problem here. Just trying to have a normal conversation, no judgements, no criticisms, no nothing, him just being open and honest with me, me being able to ask questions, is to him "still being under attack" . Basically, it seems if we're not totally ignoring his first 30 years and pretending it doesn't exist, then he is "under attack". That's what it feels like to me. Before we even have the conversation, he has already got it all worked out and predetermined in his head how it's going to go so therefore he is already on the defensive and guarded. I said this, this morning, and he agreed that it is like that, but he doesn't seem to see any problem with it either.

    When he's being guarded and defensive it feels like he's in denial. If he's in denial then he can't be in recovery right?
    Last edited: Feb 21, 2019
  5. Susannah

    Susannah Fapstronaut

    Soooo frustrating. This was the way it was with my husband, too. I would tip-toe around with gentle questions that were so vague that they almost didn't ask a question at all. Things like, "That's interesting and I want to understand. Could you tell me more about that?" or "What would you like me to know about that?" and he would just shut down and say that I was "interrogating" him or that he didn't want to be "analyzed". I would work for literally weeks sometimes just to find out one tiny bit of information. I think addicts live in terror of being found out and judged, so they want to control all the information. That, and the fact that they are often living in complete denial and/or things are too painful for them to look at. I am happy to say that my husband has moved past this stage. Lately, if he feels defensive about my questions or observations, he has been able to stop and notice it and realize it is not because I am attacking him, but because I have touched on something sensitive. He then stops and looks at it to see what it is. In other words, he realizes that it is nothing from me, but something from inside of him. I have no idea how he got to the point where he could do this. It was as if a switch flipped one day. I have genuine sympathy for your situation and hope yours can get there someday soon.
    On the other hand, be careful what you wish for....Since my husband has been opening up, I have been through a constant onslaught of disclosures and recovered memories that have, at times, been very difficult to stomach. I have found out so many terrible things. For instance, he recently revealed that he had been formally reprimanded at one previous job and actually dismissed from a second for on-the-job porn use. His previous story had been that a contract ended and "personality conflicts". I was floored. And this was one of the least awful things. Of course, I need to know these things, for the reasons you stated about starting "fresh", but still.....I had NO IDEA how severe things were and I advise you to try to prepare yourself for the worst, while hoping you don't get it. Hugs
    HonestyMatters likes this.
  6. HonestyMatters

    HonestyMatters Fapstronaut

    It's great that your husband has progressed to this stage. I feel my husband should be much much further along and doing the same. After all, the last D Day was back in July 2018 and he has supposedly been in recovery since then and also porn and masturbation free this entire time. So that's 7 months (although he did slip once with masturbation on 25/9 but no porn) so really 5 months clean. On top of that, he's recently completed the NoFap Academy Reboot - so No PMO for 90 days meaning no porn, no masturbation and no sex either and during this period completing the course that goes with it for the past 3 months. The 90 day reboot finished 7 days ago. We still haven't had sex and he's at 97 days now and we've been doing an in-house separation since Saturday because of the inability to be able to discuss his course work as per our agreement without ending up in an argument about it.

    Edit: the fact that he's not doing what you are saying, that is, he's not seeing that his defensiveness speaks volumes more about him than it does about me, is alarming!!! Because I know this is what real recovery should like but he's not there yet.
    Last edited: Feb 23, 2019
    Susannah likes this.
  7. HonestyMatters

    HonestyMatters Fapstronaut

    I was just reading all our messages again and on thinking further about what you said here, I hope I do get it. I've already discovered on my own some pretty bad stuff, like all the porn use at work, the unbeknown photos taken of me, signing up to "free local sex sites". If there is worse to come, then I hope it happens soon because at least something will feel REAL. Least I'll know he's being REAL.

    The feelings I have now, are oh so familiar, I've felt this way so many times before over the past 8 years. Call it gut instinct, woman's intuition or six sense but I just know something is not right, something is very off. Unfortunately, every other time I have been right.

    I can't keep doing this. I would rather separate than being doing this all over again.
    Susannah likes this.
  8. Susannah

    Susannah Fapstronaut

    Hugs to you.
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  9. HonestyMatters

    HonestyMatters Fapstronaut

    So I have this new support group which is a first for me and I'm feeling good, hopeful and positive about that. I think I really need something like this.

    So in regards to my last post, I told my husband last night that I really feel that something is off.

    Like off for quite sometime now, and I know this feeling, i'm not new at this dealing with his addiction thing. It's felt off for the past couple of months to be honest and i've written about it before unsure whether it's really just to do with him feeling down, depressed, no energy, unmotivated etc or whether it's something more than this.

    So upon asking him, is there something you are not telling me, are you really PMO free. Have you relapsed at some point or are you being dishonest about something?

    So he has responded that he is PMO free has not relapsed but possibly he hasn't been completely honest with me about his feelings and emotions. That at times he is feeling like wanting to just leave, to escape. To get his life back because it's too hard, he doesn't want all the restrictions and all the work.

    Unfortunately, a conversation about this didn't get very far at all, because I said "Well, this sounds familiar, we have been here before many times. Prior to him agreeing to do this recovery work this is exactly why he wouldn't go into recovery, because he didn't want the restrictions and he didn't want to put the time or effort in and I said and that didn't work did it? You were still highly stuck in your addiction" Anyway, because I said this, so basically comparing it to previous behaviour he said "Now your just putting words in my mouth, I didn't say that's what I want to do, it's just how I feel sometimes" I do get this but I was just saying "we have also been here before" but apparently I should not have said that.

    So yeah, it didn't go anywhere, because then I got "this is why i can't be honest with you, this is what you always do, I am impossible to talk to etc"

    I don't know what was so bad in what I was saying. I mean it's true, this is how he has felt for years and the exact reason why he didn't want to go into recovery work then, the restrictions, the work and effort involved etc... I get that he's saying that it's just a feeling and doesn't mean that that is exactly what he plans to do or even wants to....but why is what I said so wrong, why is that a good reason for him not to be honest with me and not tell me anything....I just don't get it.

    Can someone please tell me what I'm missing here?
  10. HonestyMatters

    HonestyMatters Fapstronaut

    So he's been out all morning...only just returned
    So I tried to continue our conversation
    I said "So if this is how you've been feeling all along (at times) why haven't you been honest with me?"
    He says "I have" I said "No, you've just told me your down, depressed, no energy, unmotivated but never why? You've always said you don't know why"
    I said "You've never told me, that sometimes you just feel like leaving, that it's too hard, too restrictive"
    I said, "So in all this time, the last 7 months, you've just been wasting my time then and not even told me how you really are feeling sometimes?"
    Then he walked off to another room, started talking to our daughter "then said he's going out to do some shopping" and basically just cut me off.....nothing more to say and left.
    I just can't believe him. I seriously just.....can't.

    What the fuck has all this been for???

    I know he wants to do recovery for him and I agree that he needs to do that first and foremost, he can't just do it for me, that will never work. But now I feel like doing recovery for me or us is also too much effort, too much work. I mean if he wants this relationship to work a part of his recovery has to be he wants it for me and for us too. So I'm just feeling that I'm/we are not worth it, I am not worth the effort or work.

    I'm just.....FLOORED!!!

    What have I been doing all this again for then????

    He has told me so many times that he does REALLY LOVE ME.....but if I'm not worth the time or the effort then how can he truly love me????

    I just feel like I'm being strung along now, soooo fucking worn-out!!!
  11. HonestyMatters

    HonestyMatters Fapstronaut

    We have finally had a more in-depth decent conversation about everything. There was kinda no conclusion to any of it though as our youngest came in and interrupted and now we need to pick up the eldest child.

    But all in all I feel better that we've talked some. Still not sure how it all progresses from here though....

    So he admits that yes he's hasn't been completely honest with me because he has been withholding his negative thoughts or feelings from me about just wanting to escape / leave in general. So it seems to be 1) they come and go but sounds as frequently as daily and sometimes maybe short in duration or could be hours 2) it's not a representation of what he really wants 3) he doesn't want to sound like he's complaining / being negative 4) he knows i will want to dig deeper into it - analyse it, process it, get to the bottom of it - this is a big one to me because he says he knows this and doesn't want to have to. He doesn't want the added pressure or stress of it all 5) he says he doesn't understand it himself and doesn't know if it's been because of the NO PMO - hardmode or just no P or M in general.

    We talked about a lot of things. I said this is most likely then why I have been feeling something is off since mid December. I felt like he was being real with me and honest etc for about a month...but then something just changed, there was a switch. And since then I felt this growing distance, like I am being kept in the dark. This makes more sense to me now.

    I've told him this is why I've been feeling like separation is starting to look like more and more the only option because I've been increasingly feeling like something is off , that we have entered into possible FAKE recovery mode.

    He says he is feeling trapped, that his life is basically work (at job), then some chores at home and then recovery work. I said, well I guess it is kinda like that because this is the life of rehabilitation. It's like a drug addict, they were on a high for so long, having a great time doing drugs whenever they like to feel good, they dug themselves a huge hole and now they have to get themselves out of it. Now there in rehab and this is no fun anymore, it's a lot of fucking work. He says, that's right, I did the crime now I have to do the time, he says like if he was in prison he would hate it and feel like escaping but at the same time realise that he has to do the time.

    We talked about the restrictions and how he feels so trapped and limited by that and I tried to explain to him I don't like it either it. I don't get anything that great out of it either. Being with him and dealing with his addiction, it is the only way I can feel safer, more secure, but all in all it's a fucked way to live but I don't feel I have any other options right now, the ways things are / have been. This is not something that I would just choose for myself as a way to live, to be in a relationship. Nobody wants to feel that they have to monitor or be hyper-vigilant in their relationship. Of course, if I could choose to be in a normal relationship where I felt safe and secure without all these restrictions of course I would. I would give anything to be able to trust my partner, to not have to look over my shoulder, wonder if he's doing the right thing by me. Anyone, would choose that. No one would choose this. I feel just as trapped by all of this as he does.

    I told him how it all makes me feel, him feeling like wanting to escape / leave. It makes me feel that I'm not worth his time or effort, that our relationship is not worth it. He says it's not me, it's just the whole situation, and everything he has to do. He says, it's not because he wants to go back to porn or because he feels that was a better life. It's just all of this is so much a harder life.

    I said from an outsider looking in, I think it's like your in rehab and you're just fighting the process, your rebelling. You don't want to go inside and work out your problems and deal with all the negative, it's too hard, too painful, too draining, too time consuming, too much effort. Your withholding these feelings from me too, because you know I'm the kind of person who wants to deal with things head on, that I will push for the analysing, the processing, the digging deeper and so your withholding so you can avoid that from me too. But all in all, all you are doing is dragging out the process, dragging out the rehabilitation. Your making what you don't want to do just take longer. You're actually making it harder. But not only that, your dragging it all out for me too.

    If you're stuck, then I'm stuck, because the relationship is stuck. We can't progress. We are just hanging in limbo.

    He says he understands this.

    So where to from here. I don't know. As I said our youngest interrupted and that was that.
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  12. HonestyMatters

    HonestyMatters Fapstronaut

    Current thoughts playing in my head....

    I know I have to accept where everything is right now but I find it so difficult.
    Living this life of uncertainty....
    I mean we all have uncertainty in our lives, we know we will die at some point but we don't know when or how
    We know that life can throw us a curveball at anytime and we will have to deal with whatever that maybe at the time....
    But this not knowing where my marriage, my relationship is going is sooo hard.
    I don't know how to progress and get my shit together in this environment....
    I know I have to work on myself and there is so much I need to work on
    But I just don't know how to do it without being affected by what is going on with him
    and what is going on in our relationship
    I just can't seem to do it.
    This trying to thrive and grow and work on being the best version of myself
    whilst not knowing if he is going to truly commit and embrace all that he needs to do, to recover to become sober
    or whether he's just going to leave because it's all too hard, he can't deal with the work or the restrictions
    I don't know how not to be affected by that.
    Especially when we are trying to make things work, trying to work on our relationship.
    Like if we are doing well, and we are getting along and being affectionate, working on our connection, having intimate sex etc...
    I feel vulnerable....I feel like there is hope, I start falling for him and for us.
    I feel like I leave myself wide open.....
    Then when the shit hits the fan, things go sideways for whatever reason
    I then feel hurt, confused, lost, down, empty
    It's not an environment I can thrive in and be my best in

    Because I don't know what's going to happen from one day to the next
    from one week to the next.
    I don't know how to put 100% into us and working on our relationship, being there for each other in totality, having intimacy and sex and everything and not leave myself vulnerable and wide open for disappointment
    I don't know how to do both - work on me, work on our relationship and connection
    without ending up hurt.
    I don't know if this makes sense.
    If I totally just focus on me and not the relationship, in order to do that I need to pull back
    and distance myself from the relationship, not truly connect, but that feels like I'm also
    driving a wedge between us in order to protect myself....

    How do other SO's do both without leaving themselves open for hurt, pain or failure....
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  13. HonestyMatters

    HonestyMatters Fapstronaut

    Today's been a good day
    It felt very productive, I got a lot done that I wanted to do and so felt a bit accomplished which was nice.

    Last night, we watched the 2nd part of the "Helping her Heal" series. It is so good. Doug Weiss just explains everything so well. I was amazed.
    The way he explained understanding your wife and her pain, and her trauma was so well done. My husband has always said he understands, and last night he realised that he has never done the things that Doug talks about and how he now realises he hasn't really understood at all.
    There was a whole section on lying and how for most women it makes everything 100x times worse than if it was just the act of looking at porn itself. Again he went into so much detail and explained it all so well. There was a heap of topics covered and a lot of tips and suggestions given. My husband said he wants to watch it again and take down some notes, in fact he'd like to watch it a few times over just to really get it in his head so that was a positive.

    This afternoon as planned we spent about an hour and a half working through his course material. We actually managed to get through it without any upsets or arguments so that was great! We plan on doing this every afternoon after work until we are through the whole lot.

    My husband has set a date for us to start the "Intimacy Anorexia" and the "Married and Alone" workbooks. We will be starting these together on the Monday 4th March. Everything else should be wrapped up and finalised by then.

    So today was my husbands "100th Day of NO PMO - Hardmode"
    Because things ended up bad between us when he was supposed to be finishing his 90 days and we consequently ended up with separate sleeping arrangements etc , we obviously did not have sex or anything at that time.

    So after his coursework this afternoon, we cuddled and actually had some intimate time for the first time in about a week and a half and we decided to take the leap and have sex for the first time in "100 days".

    Well it felt so good to be in each others arms and to be able to be close, connected and to not have to hold back, to be able to make love again. It felt amazing for both of us and I realised just how much I missed being with him in this way.

    At the beginning of the 90 days we both wondered how on earth we were going to get through it and back in November when he started, February seemed a million miles away. Surprisingly, it wasn't as bad or as hard as we thought it would be. Admittedly, he did take care of my needs a few times during that time so that certainly made it more bearable for me. But overall, I only had a couple of times when I was seriously over it.

    I am so very proud of him to make it through his "90 Days of Hardmode" in fact he did so well and actually did "100 days" so he should be very proud of himself. As he said, he has never EVER gone that long in his life without O. Probably the maximum ever was about 4 days. So this is a huge achievement for him. I was actually quite impressed that he lasted as long as he did too considering how long it's been. I mean it wasn't hugely long or anything but I really
    thought he'd only get to a few strokes. He has always suffered with PE so it will be interesting to see once we are back into a regular sex pattern again whether there's any improvement there. I really hope so!!!

    So we are sleeping back together tonight for the first time in a week and a half too.

    And just taking things one day at time, and we will see how it all unfolds.....

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  14. Sounds awesome.
    So happy for you.
    I think this works so much better when both partners want things to improve
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  15. HonestyMatters

    HonestyMatters Fapstronaut

    Thanks @Thor god of thunder
    Yes, so much better for sure!
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  16. HonestyMatters

    HonestyMatters Fapstronaut

    Thank you so much @GhostWriter . You are an absolute incredible help to me and always have been. I (we @Br1 R1) have always valued your responses and you've truly always been the GREATEST help to me here on NoFap. For that I can't thank you enough!!! I will respond to your posts but it will probably take me a while to address it all LOL ...but I definitely will because there are things that I most certainly want to address and respond to. Thank you again and much love, kisses and hugs your way too! xx
  17. HonestyMatters

    HonestyMatters Fapstronaut

    Ok, here goes GW .....some responses

    No, I've never wanted to go back to the way things were because although I didn't know what was going on, I always knew something was very wrong. He on the other hand has said many a time that he wishes things could go back to the way they were, but mainly because I was such a different person. Back then I was so driven and motivated, a lot more positive and productive. I do certainly miss that part but I was also terribly lonely with him and I didn't feel at all like I knew who he was. He would never talk intimately to me or let me know how he was feeling, what was going on with him or be close to me in a mental or emotional way. So No, going back is not for me. For the first time ever, especially after all the D Days I understand now why things have always been the way they were all along.

    Yes I do understand I may need to accept that I can't or may never understand but I find it so very seems to go against the core of my being in this instance. With a life partner, you seek to understand and seek to be understood.

    As for the compartmentalization this makes a lot of sense because he very much compartmentalises everything and I do understand this about him. It's because of this I find he contradicts himself a lot. It's very much like the way you described it to Sussanah in your post about the opposition between frontal cortex and the mid brain.

    Well, as I understood it, it is very necessary for him to understand his "Root Causes" in his addiction otherwise it is very difficult to truly ever overcome the addiction. From what I've read, that was my understanding, but I may be wrong....

    No, it is definitely not my need to know his root causes but it is my need that HE KNOWS his "Root Causes", if we are going to stay together. If he's ever going to be able to put this addiction behind him, he needs to delve deep inside him and address wherever this addiction stems from. I don't want him to do it for me. I want him to do it for himself. And in doing so, I know that he/we can truly put this addiction behind us and move on. I would like to think he could share this with me, it would certainly help me in believing that he has reached that place but what's more important is that he understands it himself and can work through it.

    Yes, understood. I don't expect him to remember every detail of what he ever saw or did but surely one can remember / recall the general context of the situation whether they were hiding something from their previous partners or not. Like that is such a repeated pattern over a long period of time that you'd think you wouldn't forget that or that feeling.

    You are right. I didn't know everything about him but I took a leap of faith. Generally, if that turns out to be wrong, you wouldn't just take a second leap of faith that readily would you....that's why it feels it feels sooo impossible to do that again without absolute certainty. But I know.... I would need to take a leap of faith at some point (I'd just rather it not be such a huge leap that's all)

    And yes, this...."Monitor his actions and words" and make sure they're in alignment with one another. Yes, this I can do and will continue to do. This is definitely the best indicator of all. "Actions speak louder than words" , I remember my mum saying this continuously when we were kids and nothing could be truer!!

    So, what I was saying here is I don't think there is anything "that I couldn't handle or deal with. Unless it were terrible things, like rape or paedophilia or things that terrible then yes of course I would be shocked and would most likely struggle with anything like that"

    I didn't mean if those things were done to him, that I could understand easily, having been through those kind of things myself but if he was the perpetrator of such things, then that would be different, Yes I would be shocked and I would find that difficult to deal with. I probably didn't word that very well previously. I have had terrible things like that done to me, so would find it extremely difficult to forgive that of someone else, especially a life partner! That's all I meant. It's not necessarily right, but just how I know I would feel. And it's not what I think or feel he has done in any way whatsoever either, it was just an example of where I would draw the line.....

    And yes, I understand there is so much shocking stuff out there that people are viewing. I am aware that there have been times he thinks he has probably come across rape or child pornography amongst a whole array of other stuff. We have discussed this before. But it wasn't because he was going looking or searching for it but he used to watched Vimeo and the like a lot and he wouldn't know what was coming up. In many ways, that was part of the thrill / excitement, the shock factor that you'd get so many different things from mild to extreme, it would just play and he'd watch whatever was coming up. Some of it he said was disgusting and he did not like it or get off on it..... it was just the nature of how it was viewed - not knowing what was coming next.

    And I realise that too, just because you watched something doesn't mean that you'll do it. For a long time there, that was something that really disturbed me. On the first ever D Day I found him watching a movie where gorgeous looking women (models) were shooting for a nude calendar in the middle of nowhere and were also being stalked and hunted down and murdered etc. Well, at that time, that did freak me out, I didn't feel safe around him at all. Being someone who was preyed upon as a child this really did traumatise me, that was 8 years ago. I do understand more about it now and it doesn't mean that he'd act on that. All the same, I didn't like it at all and still don't. And the whole sneaking around / preying on me and taking photos.... that has been doubly traumatic to me due to my past childhood experiences. That is something I still have a problem with to this day, that I need to deal with. Every time we fight, I don't feel safe, I don't want him near me if I'm showering or dressing etc.... I start to get that horrible feeling, that he could be sneaking / preying on me .....especially because he mainly did it to me when we were fighting too....

    Just realised I missed this one.

    This is his perception. He has told me this. He has said that he should have no reason to lie to me because he knows how well I've handled/taken everything he tells me in our daily check-ins - when he talks about his thoughts or urges for the day.

    Again, it's not wanting to know every intimate detail, it's the wanting to know the general context of a situation, and at the time for us, it was about whether he was or wasn't hiding pornography from previous partners. It wasn't about wanting all the details, just the general context of the situation. The reason being, purely trying to establish if he was / wasn't addicted back then and whether he was sneaking around then or not. I couldn't understand him not remembering whether that was the case or not, as I mentioned earlier.

    And I agree, I can't be pissed about the unknown and then be pissed when I do know. I don't feel it's so much about that. It's more about just being able to make informed choices that's all. I think I have the right to be able to make my own informed choices.

    And yeah the whole 100 or 101, agreed, it's neither here nor there. It wouldn't be about that for me.

    Sure, I have no doubt I would still wonder but I'd be able to put it out of my mind a lot easier given he's not in my life each and every day. And definitely, there's always that possibility that I could end up in a similar situation or worse but that's not a good reason to stay in a situation either. As we discussed before, it's called taking a leap of faith, and trusting that things can be better and may work out so much better. It works both ways....

    No, the entire premise is on whether he can find and deal with his root causes, not for me but for him. And in doing so whether he can truly put this addiction behind him. I know it will take time, and maybe he might eventually remember things that will help him get there. Again, if the roles were reversed and I had an addiction, I'm sure he'd want me to work out my "root causes" , that wouldn't mean him knowing every explicit detail of my past but I'd have to get to the real causes if I was to beat it or for the addiction to not always be such a struggle to keep at bay.

    I do embrace the progress he's made and I can accept the lack of progress at times to, so long as the lack of is not outweighing the actually progress made. And yes, I do need to focus on me and my Betrayal Trauma more as well. It's a difficult balance to achieve. It's like a juggling act, this whole - his recovery, my healing and the relationship. It really is an art in itself, something that we are still trying to master - but it's really not easy at all!!!

    Yes, this....

    This is so true. The trauma of a Trickle Down Disclosure is by far worse. It's horrible. And I've told you before... That the photos taken of me were originally only a few times. Now he's told me only a couple of weeks ago, it's more like 5 or 6 times plus there was a recording too. I'd rather a full disclosure on EVERYTHING in one hit. And I mean everything over the course of the relationship. And like you say starting with the worst first. He has never given me a written formal disclosure. I have told him I would like this. We have talked and talked about everything on many occasion and he has said he has disclosed everything verbally to me. But I would like a formal written disclosure, done how they are supposed to be done. That would mean a lot to me. I feel like it would be him truly owning and acknowledging everything to me. Especially since he's so prone to forget the things he says to me. I don't want a situation where later on he denies it, years down the track etc....this has happened before on so many occasions.

    Yes, this is a good idea. I will start doing this I think.

    Ok, I think I have addressed most things here.

    Thank you again @GhostWriter , I do love all your feedback. You put a lot of time and effort in and I truly do appreciate it. And @Br1 R1, I know we made an agreement not to write on each others journals but I think it would be good if you addressed those parts relevant to you. I don't mind if you want to do it here on this occasion or otherwise you can hit reply to each section and copy and paste it across to your own journal if you like, you'll just need multiple tabs open. Either way, I think it would do you good and I'd like it too if you did respond to GW's messages.
    Last edited: Feb 27, 2019
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  18. Susannah

    Susannah Fapstronaut

    Yes! I feel the same way. I want my husband to find out what went so very wrong and address it, even if he never tells me. I still want that relief for him.
    Exactly! Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.
    Yes. I feel I've never made an informed choice in my marriage, beginning with marrying him in the first place. (He has admitted that, unbeknownst to me, that he looked at porn on our wedding day.) For me, knowing that I was deprived of a choice about something that would go on to cause me such misery and devastation and that I have been married to someone who was, in many ways, a stranger, has been one of the most mind-altering experiences I've ever lived through. It has changed the way I look at and think about myself. I don't know if I can ever forgive that...
    Excellent points
    You said it, sister! When this is over, we will be qualified to do anything.
  19. HonestyMatters

    HonestyMatters Fapstronaut

    I had a pretty good day yesterday.

    I'm really trying to work harder on just focusing on me and my goals and trying to be productive.

    So yesterday, I focused on staying present and getting some jobs done around the house and organise some overdue tasks etc...

    I also finished off some work for a client of mine and pushed myself to reach out to a new client who had expressed interest in me working in their business and that went well and I'll be meeting them on Monday so fingers crossed I may have a new client there.

    Today I plan on spending the day, renewing my Advisor Certifications for the 2 main software I work with. These have to be done annually and are almost due so that's the goal for today, to get a good chunk of that done.

    I'm also going to try and do a 30 min workout. I had been doing these every second day but that kind of went out the window a few weeks ago when everything went haywire between my husband and I. So I really want to do that and perhaps even get a walk in this afternoon as well.

    I listened to some of the 7 Good Minute podcasts yesterday while cleaning the bathrooms. I've gotten into the habit of this when cleaning as it really helps alleviate the boredom. The one that really resonated with me was about keeping a positive attitude and the ways in which to do that. I loved the Thought of the Day which was "A positive attitude gives you control over your circumstances rather than your circumstances having control over you"

    Each afternoon this week, we have been going through all of his course work. This has been going well and we are now up to going through the last module. He has a couple of things to finish off this afternoon when he gets home from work and then we should be able to go over it and will be done. So I am pleased about that.

    We are still set to begin the IA & MA workbooks on Monday for the next 100 days and I'm really looking forward to getting into this. I really hope something positive comes of these and we can learn how to connect better and deal with our intimacy issues.

    Today, I also plan to do a 10 min meditation and maybe 30 mins on my anxiety course I'm working through...

    Lots to fit in so luckily it's only early here....

    I hope everyone has a great day!

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  20. HonestyMatters

    HonestyMatters Fapstronaut

    Just checking's been a few days.

    I've been going pretty well and just trying to focus on myself and not so much on his recovery. Need to keep reminding myself that that is his responsibility and I shouldn't have to push or prod him in anyway.

    So I've been focusing on meditation, getting in some exercise and dealing with my own feelings, anxiety and healing.

    I did end up getting a new client on Monday, so was very pleased with that, and that I managed to push myself and to be confident and have belief in myself. With all the trauma and ongoingness of his addiction it has really affected my self-worth and belief in myself.

    I do really want to focus more on my work and building up my business. Not just to help us more financially but to also to rebuild my independence, confidence, and self esteem so gaining a new client has certainly put me in a better state of mind there.

    I just need to stay focused and consistent on working on healing me.

    We started our Intimacy Anorexia and Married and Alone workbooks on Monday. So far it has been very slow and we haven't had to do a lot yet. Mostly just reading but we are committed to doing it daily and it's really not a lot of work - only 15 to 30 minutes a day. We both have support groups that we check-in with on a weekly basis so it's great to be able to connect with others also working through the course.

    I've also had someone reach out to me who could be going through a similar situation and so have spent the last hour and a half this morning trying to give some advice, information and links to resources etc.... I truly hope it helps.

    Today, I'm about to get into some work around the house, some work in my business and hopefully maybe fit a workout and meditation in later on too. I also have another potential client that has contacted me so will be following that up as well.

    My husband has been keeping up with his recovery work, and doing his daily check-ins with me. I know he his struggling with negative thoughts and is also having a tough time at work of late. I really feel he needs to try and make more time to focus on his hobbies and interests. He does have a list of things he wants to pursue that he completed in his course. He just needs to start trying to integrate them more in his life. One of which is to start doing more exercise which he had but then after a cold never got back into it. That was a few months ago now. I think this is really important. They talk about how exercise and having a physical outlet can really help in dealing with addiction. He knows this but just needs to get himself motivated and practise consistency. Same with any other hobbies/interests in his life. And also, self care, he has a couple of medical conditions that he also needs to pay more attention to and keep regular checkups etc. But I'm learning that he has to start doing all of this for himself. It is not my responsibility and it's up to him to do things differently.

    I was talking to him about a really good podcast I was listening to on 7 Good Minutes a while back. I can't remember the title but it was all about Motivation and how when feeling unmotivated you cant just sit around waiting for motivation to come knocking on the door as it usually just doesn't happen like that. You have to create it. You have to force yourself in the beginning and by doing that you will get the wheels turning and you will start to actually feel more motivated. You start a chain of events by acting first even when your not feeling like it. It slowly builds momentum and you start to feel more positive, more accomplished and more motivated to do whatever it is you are aiming to achieve. I know this is very much how I am like. When I'm feeling down and depressed, no energy, don't feel like doing anything. I could easily stay like that for days or weeks and eventually just feeling worse and worse and lower.

    If I can push myself to spend the day doing things I can usually snap myself out of it and start to feel a bit more accomplished and a bit more positive about the next day and can get myself out of the rut. And I'm beginning to become aware when I'm slipping back into that negative state and really have to work to not slide back into the depressed and not doing much state.

    So yeah, I was trying to explain to him that he needs to perhaps look at doing the same. I know it's hard with working and other commitments, and being tired and exhausted but it's just a matter of starting in a small way and changing your perspective on things. Look at it as creating a better and healthy lifestyle, not like it's work, but something you will gain from because of all the positive benefits of better health, feeling accomplished, creating new and positive outlets etc....

    Anyhow, that's my bit of blurb for the day.

    I hope everyone is going well, and if not, at least find comfort in doing the best that you can and supporting yourself in small ways...

    Here's to Love and Light guiding us all on this treacherous journey.....


    Edit: on another note, I was reading Alexanders post about someone threatening him and possibly taking legal action against the site. Unbelievable is all I can say. This site has been a life saver for me. I can't understand anyone that would want to jeopardise all the good that this site does for so many people. I only hope that it passes over and the site is not threatened. Surely Karma would have to slam this person eventually for doing such a thing. Anyway, I will definitely help support Alex in anyway possible if necessary, like I say if it wasn't for this site and the community of people who have helped and supported me, I honestly don't know where I would be right now!!!

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