Journal of My Story..... Thoughts | Feelings | Healing | Partners Recovery

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by HonestyMatters, Sep 7, 2018.

  1. HonestyMatters

    HonestyMatters Fapstronaut

    I want my husband to be honest about his feelings, but he ALSO needs to show understanding, support and compassion about HOW THAT could make me feel at times. It’s imperative that he’s honest, but the reality is there’s going to be times that those feelings may cause concern, possibly make me feel unsafe or trigger insecurity in me.

    I don’t think this is a reason for him not to be honest.
    INSTEAD be understanding and supportive of HOW I might be feeling too and WHY I feel like that.

    Unfortunately, I don’t get that from him.
    I get the words “I understand” but that’s it. Just words.

    Then it IMMEDIATELY goes to how he NOW feels because
    I’ve expressed concern or uncertainty.

    I don’t think it’s fair at all.

    The situation I’m referring to is, after work we were talking, and he told me “When he’s feeling extremely tired and stressed (like he was) if he knew he couldn’t get found out and it was easily accessible, he feels he would really struggle to stay strong and resist looking at porn. That he may cave in and relapse at that point. He said, although he doesn’t feel like this often, it’s still there.

    Now at the time, I listened and was supportive of him as I understand tiredness and stress are triggers for him. I didn’t make it about me, or how it made me feel. I tried to make him feel validated, make him feel heard and understood and supported. We discussed it for about 10 minutes and then he laid next to me and slept for a couple of hours.

    After thinking it over I realised it was concerning me, I was starting to feel unsafe and insecure. He is often tired and stressed and he has no outside support like therapist or support groups etc, only NF. So, the next day, I said I wanted to talk more about it. I asked if he felt he needed to be doing more recovery work related to the porn addiction itself, whether the tools and support mechanisms he has in place are enough? Currently his focus is on IA work and the Present Process books he’s reading with his AP.

    It immediately turned to an argument, because he showed no understanding of WHY I would ask these things. I was very calm and considerate in my approach. I was not attacking him in any way. But all he did was go on about his feelings of how it makes him feel attacked, how I’m making him feel he’s not doing enough. He eventually said he knows I’m not attacking him but that’s how he feels.


    I tried to explain why I was concerned, why I was potentially feeling unsafe and insecure but all he wanted was validation and understanding of his own feelings.

    It wasn’t long ago we watched the Helping Her Heal video. He did nothing that Doug Weiss says to do in it. Instead he made it all about himself. The previous evening, I had listened and supported and understood him but when it became MY TURN to be understood and supported he made it about himself.

    Doug Weiss talks about UNDERSTANDING your wife and “WHAT THAT LOOKS LIKE”.

    To understand is literally to “Stand Under Her”

    DON’T GO OVER THE TOP of her with your thoughts and feelings.

    Be under her, take the weight of the burden she’s feeling, support her, reassure her that you understand why she feels this way, reassure her that it’s perfectly normal after everything that’s happened that she feels like this, reassure her that she is safe and secure and that you will do everything in your power to make sure she is safe and secure.


    I got the words “I understand”
    I did not get the behaviour that goes with it.

    I got him going over the top of me.
    He couldn’t support me first.

    I had already given him time and support the evening before.
    He couldn’t do the same for me.

    He had to go over the top and make it about himself.
    I was expected to validate & support him when I needed it.

    It left me feeling traumatised.
    Uncared about.
  2. HonestyMatters

    HonestyMatters Fapstronaut

    Just the first part of your reply, I thought I better make sure you understand that he didn't ACTUALLY RELAPSE.... this was all about when he feels extremely stressed and tired.....

    I'm sure you GOT that, just thought I should point it out in case you didn't.....because I know he'll think he's being treated like he actually relapsed.

  3. HonestyMatters

    HonestyMatters Fapstronaut

    It's all this that is the problem. He's been told time and time again by me, by you, in the articles and videos by BT therapists. He says he understands but that quite frankly is useless if you don't do any of it. He thinks I'm upset with his honest answers, his explanations. I'm not. I'm upset with the fact that he cannot take the focus of himself. The subject matter is constantly about him. It's that simple.

    It's not that I don't care. It's I don't care to keep listening about him anymore. It's not appropriate, it's out right inconsiderate, in fact it's traumatising after hours and hours of it, day after day, when he should be as you said "listening, empathizing, validating her safety, security"

    Can you imagine someone who is in pain, who is suffering, who is traumatised, who is clearly upset and in dire strait need of some help and support and the only person there cannot stop talking about themselves.....yeah it's like that!!
  4. Susannah

    Susannah Fapstronaut

    So sorry you are going through this. It is so familiar to me. My husband would tell me something that was honest, but difficult for me to hear. I had insisted he do this as part of trust rebuilding, so I knew I would hear difficult things. I would listen, thank him for telling me, and ask if he had more he wanted to say about it, etc. I would listen until he was finished. Then, if it was something very triggering for me, I would ask if I could get more information or reassurances about it. That's when he would come unglued and start accusing me of "attacking" or "criticizing" him and at his worst, would say things like, "I guess I shouldn't have told you". So maddening. How am I not supposed to have feelings and feel threatened about some of the things he said?"

    It's like if I got home from work and the following happened:

    Me: "Honey, I'm home! Guess what? On my way home from work I really had the urge to set some puppies on fire, but I resisted the urge! Aren't you proud of me? Can I get a high-five?!"

    Him: "Ummm. Yeah - I'm really proud of you. Now can we maybe talk about why you wanted to set puppies on fire?"

    Me: "Wah! I thought you'd be proud of me! Stop attacking me! I'm never telling you anything again!"

    Grrr. Sorry - I guess I had a lot to say about this.

    Anyway, I'm with ya....
  5. HonestyMatters

    HonestyMatters Fapstronaut

    You get me Sister!! What you wrote is how it goes to a TEE. Then the next part goes like this, I have to validate, acknowledge all of what he's now FEELING. It's like we just completely SKIPPED the part of me getting reassurances, me receiving support and comfort, him making me feel safe & secure. The tables have been completely turned to him (again) happens every time. It's complete selfishness really - SELF-CENTEREDNESS!!!

    Like Doug Weiss says he's the one causing the escalation every time because he wants from me what I'm supposed to be getting from him. He can't carry out what he's supposed to be doing because he wants it for himself. And it just doesn't work. He caused the trauma in me. Like GW said, his addiction spawned my trauma, so whether he likes it or not, he doesn't get first precedence over me. It's that simple. It's not that his pain or feelings aren't important, they need to validated and acknowledged too. But that needs to happen AFTER he has given what I need. He needs to get in line, stop barging to the front. I can't validate or support him until I get it from him first. I can't give from an empty cup.
    Last edited: Mar 11, 2019
    Susannah likes this.
  6. HonestyMatters

    HonestyMatters Fapstronaut

    As ridiculous as it seems I feel like I need to write a DIALOGUE of what I need to hear.


    HIM: For the next 10 minutes I promise not to talk about myself. I won't try to discuss my feelings or give explanations. This is about you. We will talk about me later.

    HIM: Thanks for letting me be honest with you. It must be extremely difficult when I say, if I am extra tired and stressed, if I knew I couldn’t get caught and it was easily accessible, I would really struggle to resist looking at porn. Of course it would have caused you worry and concern. You would have felt panic, and the fear would have engulfed you. You should not hold in what your feeling. You should tell me how it traumatises you, after all you lived with this fear and panic for 8 solid years, while I was lost in my addiction. I totally invalidated you then and told you that your fear, trauma and pain was unfounded but it was a lie. Your pain is real. Your trauma is real. You have every reason to have fears. It's definitely OK that you ask me if I'm doing enough porn recovery work. It's OK that you ask do I have enough tools and mechanisms. It's OK to want to discuss these and for you to seek reassurance. I know you are not attacking me or criticising me when you say these things. It makes total sense that you would ask. Because these are your fears. This is what you are feeling insecure about. I understand & realise your greatest fear in all this is for me to relapse and go back to my addiction. You are expressing this because you have fears not because you are trying to attack or give me a hard time. I totally get this. I want you to know, no matter how much work or effort is involved I am going to use EVERY tool and resource possible that there is. I won't leave any stone unturned. I won't stop because it's too hard. I realise you need to know this to feel safe, to feel secure. I want you to know, if I feel vulnerable to relapse that I also see this is as a WARNING SIGN that I need to re-evaluate, and probably need to do more. And I assure you I will do more. I know in the past I have just said all this and never meant it. Therefore, I know you need my reassurance on all this regularly. I do mean every word I say. I am not lying to you. I also want to reassure you that I won't stop being honest with you just because I know I have to deal with the aftermath of the triggers or trauma you may feel from it. These are your Fears. And I need to empathise, reassure and support you like I am now.
    ImOkYoureOk, Susannah, Br1 R1 and 2 others like this.
  7. As a guy, I get swamped by a lot of emotions.
    Having things explained to me is a gift as I learn.

    Adding the PA level of ‘skill’ lessness,
    I find explanation a huge gift.

    A friend is currently in rehab for SA.
    In one call he described role playing
    With others aspects of the SA/So dynamic.

    He found that so helpful
    to his understanding
    of his part; good work.
    Susannah, HonestyMatters and Br1 R1 like this.
  8. Br1 R1

    Br1 R1 Fapstronaut

    @GhostWriter Yes I read this back to her, felt good to have the right words, have committed to reading this everyday as well.
    Susannah likes this.
  9. Susannah

    Susannah Fapstronaut

    This IS NOT ridiculous. I have found that there are even particular word combinations, etc that specifically address what I need to hear. My husband always said I was looking for ways to condemn him, but in fact, I was often actually feeding him the exact lines I needed to hear to help me exonerate him. There were countless times I was able to convince myself to stay with him and the process by doing that.
    Kenzi, HonestyMatters and Trappist like this.
  10. Susannah

    Susannah Fapstronaut

    unjenga - I like that!
    Kenzi likes this.
  11. HonestyMatters

    HonestyMatters Fapstronaut

    It's been a busy weekend getting prepared for events we have on today. Feeling a bit more organised there at least. Today's focus is getting client work done in my business and meeting those deadlines.

    The last few days have been spent really trying to reevaluate & assessing where I'm at with my healing & recovery. I started the MA course with no information really or scope of what any of it was about. The more I find out about it the more rigid and maladaptive it feels. Unfortunately parts of it just don't feel right, feels off. I absolutely cannot align with the 12 step program. It comes across to me like the "Co-dependent Model" which totally grates against the "Trauma Model" that I feel more in tune and aligned with. And I am totally non-religious. I don't like organised religion at all. I have no issue with others who want to believe in that and can respect that so long as they can respect my non-belief. It gives you the option of replacing god with whatever higher power I want to put there but I just can't fill it with anything that actually makes it meaningful. It's still void/empty. Still hollow. Most of the questions / work within the program seem ok and I can appreciate the value there. There needs to be an Agnostic / Athiest version of the program. It would make so much more sense. On the weekend I found some athiest / agnostic 12 steps. These have been written as an alternative to the traditional "GOD" focused 12 steps. Apparently there's a few different versions amongst the different secular organisations so I'm going to see if any of these 12 steps align with me. Just the fact it's 12 steps for the spouse of the addict makes it very "co-dependent model" which totally puts me off. Like because he's sick, I'm sick to now.

    Found some course work on building intimacy, emotional bonding / connection & empathy that might be worth looking into. Need to sit down and spend time going through the module outlines and work involved. It's mostly video recordings too i think which is easier than reading. Husband has expressed interest in looking at these with me, so aim to look at that during the week.

    For months now we have been having numerous problems with child C. It's all just really come to a head in the last few weeks. Everyday has been a constant struggle with him, enforcing boundaries & consequences which he blatantly defies and makes it very clear he doesn't care and no amount of consequences will stop him. It's been unbelievably exhausting for both husband and me. But we've been working as a united front (more so than ever), and I think (hope) Child C is starting to realise we are not going to back down. He truanted high school for the first time last week, twice, as well now. This is on top of numerous other issues. The Deputy from school was in contact with me Friday because he was nowhere to be found. Just trying to deal with him this weekend on it's own has been tough. He will be confronted by the Deputy today for last weeks behaviour and more consequences in place by the school now to come.

    Had a good nights sleep even though I was awake much earlier than normal. Didn't feel as exhausted and foggy as I usually do. Must have got more deep sleep. Feeling more positive in myself.

    We've been getting along well. Couple of hiccups with issues around the house that we were able to quickly resolve. Spoke to him about the whole MA/IA work and he totally understands my view point and thinks he would feel the same if the tables were turned. We are going to find a way I can still support him in it without me having to immerse myself in a codependent model.

    That's all for now,

    hydroxide likes this.
  12. HonestyMatters

    HonestyMatters Fapstronaut

    My husband is starting to have realisations that he needed to start seeing 8-10 years ago (realistically even longer), before Child A even reached double digits, and before Child B & C followed suit. Now as the youngest moves to middle teens and the older siblings closer to adulthood, he's starting to see (or at least get a glimpse) at how insidious his addiction has really been to this family, like a cancer it has ravaged through and permeated everyone's lives and affected not only me but our children.

    It's better to start realising something now rather than never. But it's also like FINALLY arriving with buckets of water or a hose to put out the house fire that burnt out yesteryear. Unfortunately you can't just rewind your children's childhoods or teenage years. You can't just give them all the direction, guidance, love, support and time that they should have gotten back then. They only get one childhood. The damage is done. And Now you've got an even bigger problem on your hands, one that has been snowballing for about as long as your addiction, and is now about 1000x the size that it ever would have been. If only he had EVER listened to the countless conversations that were tried to be had with him about this. About the ramifications and consequences that would undoubtedly unfold. They feel anger, resentment, loss, betrayal, sadness, misguided and even depression at times too. Over all they've endured, all they have lost or never received. I TOTALLY get it, I know what they FEEL because I felt it all those years too, and still do.

    The decisions you made and the behaviours you chose, that caused you to become distant, withdrawn and emotionally & mentally unavailable didn't just hurt your wife but it hurt and continues to hurt, your children too.

    And on top of it all, a lot of this blame gets directed at me. And I wonder why that is?? Because WHO blamed me all those years?? and WHO "GASLIT ME" in front of them all those years?? Their FATHER of course!!

    It reminds me of the "Nails in the Fence" story, the moral being no matter how many times you say sorry, the holes in the fence remain. They will remain there forever. The fence will never be the same.

    And now it's all about playing catch-up basically, I just don't know that THAT can ever be CAUGHT up!!!

    (Oh, what a tangled web we weave, when first we set out to deceive!)
    Last edited: Mar 18, 2019
    hydroxide and Trappist like this.
  13. Sad realization. :(

    Made me think of my relative’s booze addiction and the generational nature of it. We were warned many times helping to inoculate a bit. SA/PA not so much, but I read and see a generational thing, too.

    Not to ignore freewill in this.

    Inoculating kids now still work?
    Recall Alateen was encouraged to begin to give kids understanding and recovery.

    Edit. Like nails story...
    HonestyMatters likes this.
  14. HonestyMatters

    HonestyMatters Fapstronaut

    Yes, they say some family lines are just more addiction prone than others. Apparently studies show, that "Addiction is due 50 percent to genetic predisposition and 50 percent to poor coping skills"

    I guess ALL any parent can do is educate their children as best they can, try and be the best role models possible and try and guide them in the right direction. And Never stop talking to them. Then as you say you can't stop "freewill". I think it would be naive to think that most teenagers won't experiment with different things at times. All you can hope is their smart enough to not stay there. You can drill it into their heads as much as you like but at the end of the day it's ultimately out of our hands. Pot smoking is the issue at hand at present and quite frankly there could be far worse things. It's terrifying for any parent to know how easily they can get their hands on ANY drugs or prescription meds these days. With social media & tech they have a far greater reach and what they can easily get access to in the playground alone is friggin SHOCKING!!
    Trappist and hope4healing like this.
  15. Hey @HonestyMatters , just wondering how you're doing since you haven't written for a little while. I hope everything is going well. :)
  16. HonestyMatters

    HonestyMatters Fapstronaut

    Thanks @hope4healing , been having issues with husbands lack of empathy and validation over different issues and then lots going on with the kids and their teenage issues and behaviour..... just get overwhelmed with it all and the never-ending load of things to deal with in life in general...and work etc etc but yeah trying to hang in there. Hope you are going well too, thanks for caring xxx
  17. HonestyMatters

    HonestyMatters Fapstronaut

    Getting back to my journal again this evening. It's been a stressful couple of weeks but then has been improving over the last week. Husband & I went through a very rough couple of weeks and we had separate sleeping arrangements in place again. We have now reconciled and are trying to move forward, again. He has been keeping up with his IA recovery work and I can see him putting a lot of effort in most days so that is a definite positive. Our issues were related to me not feeling heard, understood or validated yet again. He just has no concept of how I feel at times and I just feel like my feelings often get negated and just seem so insignificant to him. So many arguments stem from this. I just hope this IA work really helps him and things can be different and so much better between us.

    So I have been keeping up the MA recovery work although I'm very unsure of the whole 12 step part of it. GW actually sent me some very helpful information and some 12 step alternatives rather than the more Godly ones so I am going to integrate those instead. The MA work has certainly got more involved but it's going well so far. My husband has been completing his 5C's and also doing his dailies. He's also connected with another person doing IA recovery for the daily calls so I'm very pleased that he reached out and did this and is staying committed to the program.

    I've started listening to the The Presence Process audiobook and I also have the hardcopy as well. He is reading this book with his AP and he thought it's the kind of book I'd enjoy so I decided to read it too. I managed to get us both an audio version so he can listen on his drives and sometimes I just like to listen rather than read. I also decided to convert the Helping her Heal to an audio format so that he can listen to that on his drives to work too. I really hope he takes the time to listen to it a few times, because Doug really explains how it is for the betrayed spouse and how to help her and I really feel it's essential if we are to heal our marriage and be able to grow and move forward.

    I'm about to do some MA exercises and catch-up with my MA group meetings.

    Hope everyone is well!

  18. HonestyMatters

    HonestyMatters Fapstronaut

    So for my MA Recovery work I have 3 sets of Alternative 12 Steps that I like and can far better understand and relate to.....

    I think I will draw from all 3 versions depending on which resonates best as I work through each step in the MA Program/Recovery. The way I see it, is there is no need to limit myself and they all have something good & profound to offer.

    The Buddhist 12 Steps:
    1. Practice acceptance: You can’t control certain things in your life. You lose a lot of energy trying to change things that are out of your control. Your futile attempt to change things you can’t control causes you stress. This can have negative consequences in your recovery. So work on accepting things, starting with you.
    2. Develop confidence: Life can be unstable and doesn’t provide a guarantee of anything. When you have faith and confidence, you are able to deal with whatever is thrown your way.
    3. Create a place of refuge: It starts as a physical place where you can feel safe or where you can decompress. Eventually, you can learn to find that peace anywhere.
    4. Make time for self-examination: It’s easy for us to be overly critical of ourselves, but that’s not healthy. Don’t be so hard on yourself. Instead, focus on your strengths and on things you can improve.
    5. Set up a self-honesty team: Sometimes we have a skewed view of reality. Having a support system that will tell you the truth and give you quality advice is valuable.
    6. Be willing to move past limitations: We all have strengths and weaknesses. Learning to optimize your strengths and not dwelling on your shortcomings helps you attain your goals.
    7. Cultivate a sense of humility: Admitting that you need help and be willing to receive advice helps you stay humble. This can be difficult because you may want to believe that you can do it all. Allow yourself to accept your imperfections.
    8. Have a forgiveness practice: Resentment can take a physical toll as well as plague our minds with negativity. Forgiving yourself and others will lift that weight off you.
    9. Give back where it’s the hardest: In active addiction (betrayal trauma), you hurt many people, especially those who are closest to you. Giving back to others can help right the wrongs of your past.
    10. Admit when you’re wrong: You’re not always right; if you were, then you wouldn’t get yourself in trouble or hurt others. Admitting when you’re wrong sometimes is humbling and prevents the “black and white” thinking of addiction (betrayal).
    11. Keep your spiritual life fresh: Whether you meditate, pray or do yoga, finding your spirituality help you grow in your recovery.
    12. Practice unconditional love every day: Loving and feeling compassion for others helps you stay grounded. You show your appreciation of others and of life when you practice unconditional love.

    The Humanist 12 Steps:

    1. We accept the fact that all our efforts to stop using (feeling betrayed) have failed.
    2. We believe that we must turn elsewhere for help.
    3. We turn to our fellow men and women, particularly those who have struggled with the same problem (betrayal).
    4. We have made a list of the situations in which we are most likely to use (be triggered)
    5. We ask our friends to help us avoid these situations.
    6. We are ready to accept the help they give us.
    7. We earnestly hope that they will help.
    8. We have made a list of the persons we have harmed and to whom we hope to make amends.
    9. We shall do all we can to make amends, in any way that will not cause further harm.
    10. We will continue to make such lists and revise them as needed.
    11. We appreciate what our friends have done and are doing to help us.
    12. We, in turn, are ready to help others who may come to us in the same way.

    The Agnostic 12 Steps:
    1. We admitted we were powerless over our addiction (our betrayal) - that our lives had become unmanageable
    2. Came to believe and to accept that we needed strengths beyond our awareness and resources to restore us to sanity
    3. Made a conscious decision to entrust our will and our lives to the care of the collective wisdom and resources of those who came before us
    4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves
    5. Admitted to ourselves, and to another human being, the exact nature of our wrongs
    6. Were ready to accept help letting go of all of our defects of character
    7. With humility and openness sought to eliminate our shortcomings
    8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all
    9. Made amends to such persons whenever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others
    10. Continued to take a personal inventory, and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it
    11. Sought through meditation to improve our spiritual awareness, and our understanding of a new way of life, and to discover the power to carry that out
    12. Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, tried to carry this message to other addicts (betrayed Partners) and to practice these principles in all of our affairs

    Where there's a will, there's a way....

  19. HonestyMatters

    HonestyMatters Fapstronaut

    It’s been a good weekend. Husband and I have been getting along well and connecting. We’ve been getting things done, and have been feeling loving and affectionate toward each other. It’s lovely when things just work and flow and we can feel at ease and just enjoy each other’s company. He fixed a water feature of mine just a little while ago which I’m so pleased about. It was given to me on Friday and it’s just gorgeous but the reservoir is too small so needs topping up with water too often. Anyhow, we thought we might be able to grind out the catchment in the base so it’s twice the size and he did a great job, very neat, straight edges, like it was meant to be. I’m so glad, he knows how particular I am and want everything symmetrical and spot on and he did a superb job!!!

    I’m currently listening to an audiobook The Six Pillars of Self Esteem. I started reading the book a while back but I’m not always motivated reading so I found the the audiobook for it. There happened to be one on YouTube and I also came across this guy Clarke Kegley who summarises some of the more popular books and he’d done one for the Six Pillars of Self Esteem so I thought I’d share it. It was a good little summary. I’m putting the full audio if anyone would like to watch it.

    Clarke Kegley’s actually got some other really great videos. I particularly like this one on Journalling. This one’s mainly directed at Men but he has an absolute stack of them on journalling, and using journals for the purpose of achieving your goals and dreams. I really liked them, well worth watching.

  20. HonestyMatters

    HonestyMatters Fapstronaut

    I finished listening to the Six Pillars of Self Esteem yesterday. It starts off a little slow but once it gets into the discussion of each pillar it's actually really interesting. It's jam packed with valuable insights and wisdom in raising ones self-esteem and how important it is to have in life.

    Improving my self-esteem is a goal I set for myself this year and so starting today, I am going to complete Nathaniel Branden's 30 week program using sentence completion stems. Each week there is a block of 4 - 6 stems to complete. Every morning I am to spend 10 minutes writing between 6 - 10 sentence completions for each stem. This is done Monday - Friday and then on the weekend you review your responses for the week and then complete another stem relating to your previous responses.

    The idea is to work as rapidly as possible without pausing to think, inventing something if you get stuck. Any ending is fine, the most important thing is to keep going. It shouldn't take any longer than 10 minutes to complete and if it does then I am thinking (rehearsing, calculating) too much. He says to try to empty your mind of any expectations concerning what will or should happen and not to impose any demands on the situation. The art of doing it well is to maintain a high level of mental focus combined with a complete lack of internal censorship. Doing the sentence completion on a daily basis is a kind of psychological discipline, a spiritual practice even, that over time achieves insight, integration and spontaneous behaviour change.

    The sentence stems all relate to the Six Pillars of Self-Esteem which are

    1) The Practice of Living Consciously
    2) The Practice of Self-Acceptance
    3) The Practice of Self-Responsibility
    4) The Practice of Self-Assertiveness
    5) The Practice of Living Purposefully
    6) The Practice of Personal Integrity

    So I've completed my first lot of stems for the day, it only took about 10 mins as he said. I did get stuck a few times but just kept repeating the sentence until something come to me without overthinking it.

    The kids are on school holidays here, so everything is out of routine which is nice change but I always find it throws me off getting things done. It's great to have them around more and to be able to just relax and spend time with them.

    Things are going well between Hubby and I and we are both still working through our MA / IA program. He's really feeling that his whole reason for turning away from me and turning to porn is in large due his Intimacy Anorexia behaviours. He's always found it extremely difficult to share his feelings and to connect on an emotional level. He's always preferred to keep himself at a distance and to withdraw. Whenever I've not been satisfied and felt our relationship was mentally and emotionally unfulfilling he would mostly blame me for our problems because I wanted too much or expected too much and all of it would just go away if I'd accept him for the way he is. He is starting to realise that even though he has been an IA for as long as he can remember and those behaviours suited him that he still wasn't really getting any of his emotional needs met either and more than likely why he turned to porn to try to fulfill them that way. So hopefully, with him dealing with his IA issues he may be able to get to the root causes for his PA. Last night he said that if he can learn to turn toward me more and build a better connection and bond between us, then he'll hopefully in time be able to completely eradicate any urge or thought to turn toward porn.

    So currently in his recovery work he has a few things he's focusing on. He has his Intimacy Anorexia program and also the Presence Process program that his completing with his AP. Since the IA & MA programs are quite individual and separate in their workings I have felt we are not really doing much together and I feel kind of left out. So I told him this and that I'd like to read a book together. We decided to read the Hold Me Tight - Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love book together by Sue Johnson. So far we've read chapter 1 and are taking turns in reading it out loud. Sue Johnson's approach is Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) and considering emotional connection has been the biggest downfall in our relationship especially due to his IA behaviours and PA, I hope that this will bring some valuable insight to both of us and help us to bond in a much more meaningful and healthy way.

    So for the coming months, I plan on reading the book with him, continuing with my Married & Alone Program, completing the Six Pillars of Self Esteem Program and also my CBT work for Anxiety that I've been doing for about a year now. I think we both have plenty to focus on there and hopefully it will all bring about positive change in both of us.

    This weekend, we are off to the Easter Show with the kids so that should be fun. It'll be crazy busy no doubt and I hate crowds but I'm looking forward to seeing all the cute animals and watching the different displays and things on. The kids are old enough now that we can go do our own thing. They'll just want to go on the rides for hours on end so we can enjoy some time together.
    Last edited: Apr 17, 2019
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