Ok, here goes GW .....some responses No, I've never wanted to go back to the way things were because although I didn't know what was going on, I always knew something was very wrong. He on the other hand has said many a time that he wishes things could go back to the way they were, but mainly because I was such a different person. Back then I was so driven and motivated, a lot more positive and productive. I do certainly miss that part but I was also terribly lonely with him and I didn't feel at all like I knew who he was. He would never talk intimately to me or let me know how he was feeling, what was going on with him or be close to me in a mental or emotional way. So No, going back is not for me. For the first time ever, especially after all the D Days I understand now why things have always been the way they were all along. Yes I do understand I may need to accept that I can't or may never understand but I find it so very difficult....it seems to go against the core of my being in this instance. With a life partner, you seek to understand and seek to be understood. As for the compartmentalization this makes a lot of sense because he very much compartmentalises everything and I do understand this about him. It's because of this I find he contradicts himself a lot. It's very much like the way you described it to Sussanah in your post about the opposition between frontal cortex and the mid brain. Well, as I understood it, it is very necessary for him to understand his "Root Causes" in his addiction otherwise it is very difficult to truly ever overcome the addiction. From what I've read, that was my understanding, but I may be wrong.... No, it is definitely not my need to know his root causes but it is my need that HE KNOWS his "Root Causes", if we are going to stay together. If he's ever going to be able to put this addiction behind him, he needs to delve deep inside him and address wherever this addiction stems from. I don't want him to do it for me. I want him to do it for himself. And in doing so, I know that he/we can truly put this addiction behind us and move on. I would like to think he could share this with me, it would certainly help me in believing that he has reached that place but what's more important is that he understands it himself and can work through it. Yes, understood. I don't expect him to remember every detail of what he ever saw or did but surely one can remember / recall the general context of the situation whether they were hiding something from their previous partners or not. Like that is such a repeated pattern over a long period of time that you'd think you wouldn't forget that or that feeling. You are right. I didn't know everything about him but I took a leap of faith. Generally, if that turns out to be wrong, you wouldn't just take a second leap of faith that readily would you....that's why it feels it feels sooo impossible to do that again without absolute certainty. But I know.... I would need to take a leap of faith at some point (I'd just rather it not be such a huge leap that's all) And yes, this...."Monitor his actions and words" and make sure they're in alignment with one another. Yes, this I can do and will continue to do. This is definitely the best indicator of all. "Actions speak louder than words" , I remember my mum saying this continuously when we were kids and nothing could be truer!! So, what I was saying here is I don't think there is anything "that I couldn't handle or deal with. Unless it were terrible things, like rape or paedophilia or things that terrible then yes of course I would be shocked and would most likely struggle with anything like that" I didn't mean if those things were done to him, that I could understand easily, having been through those kind of things myself but if he was the perpetrator of such things, then that would be different, Yes I would be shocked and I would find that difficult to deal with. I probably didn't word that very well previously. I have had terrible things like that done to me, so would find it extremely difficult to forgive that of someone else, especially a life partner! That's all I meant. It's not necessarily right, but just how I know I would feel. And it's not what I think or feel he has done in any way whatsoever either, it was just an example of where I would draw the line..... And yes, I understand there is so much shocking stuff out there that people are viewing. I am aware that there have been times he thinks he has probably come across rape or child pornography amongst a whole array of other stuff. We have discussed this before. But it wasn't because he was going looking or searching for it but he used to watched Vimeo and the like a lot and he wouldn't know what was coming up. In many ways, that was part of the thrill / excitement, the shock factor that you'd get so many different things from mild to extreme, it would just play and he'd watch whatever was coming up. Some of it he said was disgusting and he did not like it or get off on it..... it was just the nature of how it was viewed - not knowing what was coming next. And I realise that too, just because you watched something doesn't mean that you'll do it. For a long time there, that was something that really disturbed me. On the first ever D Day I found him watching a movie where gorgeous looking women (models) were shooting for a nude calendar in the middle of nowhere and were also being stalked and hunted down and murdered etc. Well, at that time, that did freak me out, I didn't feel safe around him at all. Being someone who was preyed upon as a child this really did traumatise me, that was 8 years ago. I do understand more about it now and it doesn't mean that he'd act on that. All the same, I didn't like it at all and still don't. And the whole sneaking around / preying on me and taking photos.... that has been doubly traumatic to me due to my past childhood experiences. That is something I still have a problem with to this day, that I need to deal with. Every time we fight, I don't feel safe, I don't want him near me if I'm showering or dressing etc.... I start to get that horrible feeling, that he could be sneaking / preying on me .....especially because he mainly did it to me when we were fighting too.... Edit: Just realised I missed this one. This is his perception. He has told me this. He has said that he should have no reason to lie to me because he knows how well I've handled/taken everything he tells me in our daily check-ins - when he talks about his thoughts or urges for the day. Again, it's not wanting to know every intimate detail, it's the wanting to know the general context of a situation, and at the time for us, it was about whether he was or wasn't hiding pornography from previous partners. It wasn't about wanting all the details, just the general context of the situation. The reason being, purely trying to establish if he was / wasn't addicted back then and whether he was sneaking around then or not. I couldn't understand him not remembering whether that was the case or not, as I mentioned earlier. And I agree, I can't be pissed about the unknown and then be pissed when I do know. I don't feel it's so much about that. It's more about just being able to make informed choices that's all. I think I have the right to be able to make my own informed choices. And yeah the whole 100 or 101, agreed, it's neither here nor there. It wouldn't be about that for me. Sure, I have no doubt I would still wonder but I'd be able to put it out of my mind a lot easier given he's not in my life each and every day. And definitely, there's always that possibility that I could end up in a similar situation or worse but that's not a good reason to stay in a situation either. As we discussed before, it's called taking a leap of faith, and trusting that things can be better and may work out so much better. It works both ways.... No, the entire premise is on whether he can find and deal with his root causes, not for me but for him. And in doing so whether he can truly put this addiction behind him. I know it will take time, and maybe he might eventually remember things that will help him get there. Again, if the roles were reversed and I had an addiction, I'm sure he'd want me to work out my "root causes" , that wouldn't mean him knowing every explicit detail of my past but I'd have to get to the real causes if I was to beat it or for the addiction to not always be such a struggle to keep at bay. I do embrace the progress he's made and I can accept the lack of progress at times to, so long as the lack of is not outweighing the actually progress made. And yes, I do need to focus on me and my Betrayal Trauma more as well. It's a difficult balance to achieve. It's like a juggling act, this whole - his recovery, my healing and the relationship. It really is an art in itself, something that we are still trying to master - but it's really not easy at all!!! Yes, this.... This is so true. The trauma of a Trickle Down Disclosure is by far worse. It's horrible. And I've told you before... That the photos taken of me were originally only a few times. Now he's told me only a couple of weeks ago, it's more like 5 or 6 times plus there was a recording too. I'd rather a full disclosure on EVERYTHING in one hit. And I mean everything over the course of the relationship. And like you say starting with the worst first. He has never given me a written formal disclosure. I have told him I would like this. We have talked and talked about everything on many occasion and he has said he has disclosed everything verbally to me. But I would like a formal written disclosure, done how they are supposed to be done. That would mean a lot to me. I feel like it would be him truly owning and acknowledging everything to me. Especially since he's so prone to forget the things he says to me. I don't want a situation where later on he denies it, years down the track etc....this has happened before on so many occasions. Yes, this is a good idea. I will start doing this I think. Ok, I think I have addressed most things here. Thank you again @GhostWriter , I do love all your feedback. You put a lot of time and effort in and I truly do appreciate it. And @Br1 R1, I know we made an agreement not to write on each others journals but I think it would be good if you addressed those parts relevant to you. I don't mind if you want to do it here on this occasion or otherwise you can hit reply to each section and copy and paste it across to your own journal if you like, you'll just need multiple tabs open. Either way, I think it would do you good and I'd like it too if you did respond to GW's messages.