I want my husband to be honest about his feelings, but he ALSO needs to show understanding, support and compassion about HOW THAT could make me feel at times. It’s imperative that he’s honest, but the reality is there’s going to be times that those feelings may cause concern, possibly make me feel unsafe or trigger insecurity in me. I don’t think this is a reason for him not to be honest. INSTEAD be understanding and supportive of HOW I might be feeling too and WHY I feel like that. Unfortunately, I don’t get that from him. I get the words “I understand” but that’s it. Just words. Then it IMMEDIATELY goes to how he NOW feels because I’ve expressed concern or uncertainty. I don’t think it’s fair at all. The situation I’m referring to is, after work we were talking, and he told me “When he’s feeling extremely tired and stressed (like he was) if he knew he couldn’t get found out and it was easily accessible, he feels he would really struggle to stay strong and resist looking at porn. That he may cave in and relapse at that point. He said, although he doesn’t feel like this often, it’s still there. Now at the time, I listened and was supportive of him as I understand tiredness and stress are triggers for him. I didn’t make it about me, or how it made me feel. I tried to make him feel validated, make him feel heard and understood and supported. We discussed it for about 10 minutes and then he laid next to me and slept for a couple of hours. After thinking it over I realised it was concerning me, I was starting to feel unsafe and insecure. He is often tired and stressed and he has no outside support like therapist or support groups etc, only NF. So, the next day, I said I wanted to talk more about it. I asked if he felt he needed to be doing more recovery work related to the porn addiction itself, whether the tools and support mechanisms he has in place are enough? Currently his focus is on IA work and the Present Process books he’s reading with his AP. It immediately turned to an argument, because he showed no understanding of WHY I would ask these things. I was very calm and considerate in my approach. I was not attacking him in any way. But all he did was go on about his feelings of how it makes him feel attacked, how I’m making him feel he’s not doing enough. He eventually said he knows I’m not attacking him but that’s how he feels. SO, WE COULD NOT GET BEYOND HIS FEELINGS. I tried to explain why I was concerned, why I was potentially feeling unsafe and insecure but all he wanted was validation and understanding of his own feelings. It wasn’t long ago we watched the Helping Her Heal video. He did nothing that Doug Weiss says to do in it. Instead he made it all about himself. The previous evening, I had listened and supported and understood him but when it became MY TURN to be understood and supported he made it about himself. Doug Weiss talks about UNDERSTANDING your wife and “WHAT THAT LOOKS LIKE”. To understand is literally to “Stand Under Her” DON’T GO OVER THE TOP of her with your thoughts and feelings. Be under her, take the weight of the burden she’s feeling, support her, reassure her that you understand why she feels this way, reassure her that it’s perfectly normal after everything that’s happened that she feels like this, reassure her that she is safe and secure and that you will do everything in your power to make sure she is safe and secure. I GOT ABSOLUTELY ZILTCH, ZERO, NOTHING!!! I got the words “I understand” I did not get the behaviour that goes with it. I got him going over the top of me. He couldn’t support me first. I had already given him time and support the evening before. He couldn’t do the same for me. He had to go over the top and make it about himself. I was expected to validate & support him when I needed it. It left me feeling traumatised. Unvalidated. Unloved. Uncared about.