[journal/rant entry] Needing to just put this out there

I'm just going to rant for a bit to get it off my chest in what I hope is a healthier way than directing the anger towards my wife. Figured this thread is a place to categorize that. I'm not necessarily looking for replies and I recognize I'm angry and this will be mostly one-sided and more therapeutic than problem solving. Advice/etc. welcome, but I'm more in a phase of needing acknowledgement and validation of my feelings.

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I'm so fucking frustrated. This has gone on too long. I just want to type a bunch of expletives. I don't swear in daily life. I'm really pissed, though.

This whole situation has gone on far too long. We fight about sex. We both think we're right. She seems to think I'm broken/in the wrong. I feel like she's broken/in the wrong. But I think the reality is we're both struggling. But I'm not sure she's in a spot to see that. I think she thinks it's me. Or at least isn't willing to be vulnerable and let me know what she's struggling with.

I know the real answer is to talk and share all of that. Get it all out in the open. But I'm afraid. And I'm upset. And I don't know that it'll go well. Too many emotions right now. It'll end up being irrational and angry fighting rather than honest discussion. At this point, I'm opting out of the confrontation, because I don't feel like we can have a healthy discussion right now.

But to practice getting it out in the open, I feel the following:
- I think that she thinks I'm a porn addict in how I behave. This frustrates me. I feel like I agree with the perspective that compulsive porn use has an underlying trigger. While it can be enticing of it's own regard, the compulsive/addictive use of porn is caused by a cycle of coping/avoiding other feelings in a way that does not solve those underlying issues. It buys moments of false happiness, but does not solve those. Focusing on the use of porn is a losing battle if the underlying cause for discomfort/need for "compensation" is not addressed. I have reasons to feel discomfort. I largely do not turn to porn for them at this point. I've slipped some times in the last year, but I'm not in the compulsive shame/"I'll stop"/acting out again/hiding cycle that I was in in the past. While I want to understand my continued occasional slips and do better and be better, I do not let them define me, anymore. My remaining frustration lies mostly in our relationship and my relationship with God. They're all intertwined.

- I feel like I am getting gaslighted in a way. I hate to just use that term as it seems like an easy way to gaslight someone else (say they're doing it to you). So I think it needs examples. Example: last time we went to therapy together she mentioned how she feels like sometimes I'm setting her up for failure when I initiate (she's unwell or it's too late or it's time where kids are up and busy). That made me feel really bad, but as she was struggling with other stuff that week, I held my tongue. I talked about it with the therapist on my next personal session, though. We went to Vegas the week after that. We had sex, but it was kind of a struggle that week. She felt like I was wanting sex and it was pressuring her. So I tried to back off. She didn't really initiate the rest of the week. She got COVID (followed by another cold) after that. She's been kind of down and out. We went to my brother's wedding over the weekend (far drive; hotel stay; no kids). She mentioned before the ceremony that she wanted to "have fun". I got back to the hotel as soon as I could, but there wasn't time. No big deal. I don't want to rush it. We go to the wedding. Get back to the hotel later and change and all that. She's brushing teeth or whatever and I take off my underwear and climb into bed to surprise her. Then I see the clock. 11:40-something. Kinda late. We have a 9 hour drive the next morning. I get out and put my underwear back on. She happens to come out. I explain I was going to surprise her but saw it was kinda late and figured it may not be a good time. Go to brush my teeth. She was offended by that. Instead of telling me "no, I'm good--let's have fun" she takes offense. Apparently she's been upset that I haven't been initiative. It's all her, again... Like... what??!!? I feel like I initiated the last time we attempted (interrupted by kids). She said she did. Okay. Flip a coin. So she's been sick. Insomnia, too. Like... what the hell do you want from me? If I initiate, I'm setting you up for failure. If I don't/try to be extra considerate, I'm still the bad guy. I can't win. It's super frustrating. Talking about it just becomes a competition of who's been wronged more. Not healthy. Does not progress the situation to a healthier spot. She feels unwanted. I feel unwanted. I feel shamed for having wanted it, but maybe wanting it "wrong". She feels shamed if I say she doesn't have a high libido, but she feels like she is the one initiating it. I feel like she's initiating to manage me. I feel like she's looking for me to "chase" her/woo her as a form of validation. I don't want to validate her. I want to connect with her and choose her as she chooses me. It's almost a role reversal. I don't know if she has a higher libido, but she at least is wanting the validation like I was before and frustrated that I'm not giving it.
- Going with the above: I have less desire to have sex with her. I don't know entirely why, but these feelings of she wanting me to validate her make me not desire her.
- I hate the whole situation. She wants me to go back to classes I've done in the past. It's hard--I am either wrong or stupid (and in other aspects of life, I'm not a dumb guy). I just feel like the classes are dumb. I hate being told I'm broken. Or at least be clear how and what to do to fix it. No, I don't think that some strange book about wilderness and manly men is the answer. I don't think defeatist "I'm a sex addict" is what I need to do. I like sex. I'm not doing it impulsively or with strangers. I'm not what any therapist would term as a sex addict. It happens, but labeling my occasional porn usage and enjoyment of masturbation (with her "permission", which maybe is another issue) does not mean I'm an evil person and need to go get treatment for wild behavior that's hurting others and myself.

there's plenty more. But I'm late to a meeting. More to come later.

 

I'll look into hard mode. It's not something I'm opposed to at all. I've also heard of it as a "sex fast". I think the value here would be taking sex off the table for a bit while we focus on improving our relationship. Neither of us wants duty sex. I think I felt almost like that's what I'm being asked to do. I know I've pushed for that in the past. The idea is that we shouldn't settle for sex that's only physical because it defeats the higher purpose we're both seeking: true connection.

I think true connection is a bit of what I fear. Being able to be vulnerable in certain areas that carry a lot of strong feelings and fear. I guess I feel like reactions from disclosures and the recent events I described earlier today and the fight that seems to have been spurred as I tried to consider feelings and do right by here has left me in a spot where I don't feel safe sharing that with her.

I feel like my initial disclosure was shared pretty far and wide. I understand she needed support and I'm happy she got that. At the same time, I feel like it was probably a lot more than was necessary. I think there's a balance to be found. Not struggling alone. But also not sharing so broadly that I feel unduly put in a spotlight. I feel like other areas I'd want to talk about would receive the same treatment.

Typing this, I think, "well, why don't we have a discussion about it and agree on something with that sort of thing?" And I answer myself with, "she'll probably just say it's not up to me or I'll get some sort of guilt trip about I was the one in the wrong so I have to forgive her if she decides to handle it that way."

I guess in some ways I'm afraid to be myself. And that's a problem. I've tried hard to change certain things. And been successful in a lot of ways. But there are some things that I feel like I've come to realize are not actually problems with me. Example: suggestions of hard mode. I'm happy to try it. I don't expect a life of no sex. I also don't want a life of she gives me what I want regardless of how she feels. I don't want either unsatisfying extreme. I need to work on making sure I'm desirable to her. And she needs to consider the same, too. I've spent too much time though these programs/etc. shaming myself for my sexual drive. I'm happy to have it. It's a wonderful thing. Porn and secretive masturbation isn't fulfilling. Those are bad outlets for a natural thing. So I stopped shaming myself for having an urge for sex. Because what it really is is an urge to be connected to someone else. Share my whole self with them. And the fact that I've not been initiating is an example that I think I'm on the right path: I'm trying to be considerate of her feelings and state of things. I'm not initiative to just "get off" in a context where emotional connection is lacking. I think she still has a lot of trauma from sex stuff. From my disclosure and all of that. I think she feels like she's been the good one to forgive and not hold it over my head. But I do think she holds it over me internally. And justifies some of her behavior because of how I've acted.