Journal - The Journey Begins (Day 1)

Phileofish

Fapstronaut
I'm trying out this NoFap thing now. Been trying to reboot for years now. Been 10 years since I first PMO'd as an 18 yr old. Hoping this community will be a tool to live in victory. I think journaling may be a good way to clear my head and possibly encourage others. So here goes, will start with some train of thought writing.

I'm a believer in Christ. Ultimately, this journey is about living in the freedom that Christ already purchased for me (Galatians 5:1) and being pure to see more of God in life (Matthew 5:8). In other words, to fight from victory and not for victory. The sin in my life has already been defeated (Romans 6:14), and with the Holy Spirit in me, I am being led to put to death the deeds of the body (Romans 8:13).

I've tasted and seen the thrills of holiness and purity. It truly is superior to the fleeting pleasures of PMO. The world is brighter. People are people and not objects. It is easier to love people and not lust after women. My walk with God is sweeter and deeper.

It goes without saying that I'm here because in my head, porn is disgusting and evil. Even when I give in, I know that what I am watching is abhorrent and awful. It is not what God designed sex and intimacy to be. Something that is meant to be beautiful and loving is depicted as violent and oppresive.

Love is patient and kind. Love does not envy or boast. It is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way. It is not irritable or resentful. It does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends... When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I gave up childish ways.
[Excerpt from 1 Corinthians 13]

PMO exhibits none of those qualities. PMOing is not patient. It is wanting sexual gratification here and now. It is not kind. Porn often depicts rape and violence and PMOing distorts the mind towards deviancy. In the same breath, it is arrogant and rude. The pride of choosing to PMO, contradicts God's design, and makes you insist on your own way. PMOing consents at best and rejoices at worst at the wrongdoing of the porn producers, the porn actors/actresses, the sexual exploitation industry, and the sexual immoralities porn depicts.

Instead, I want to rejoice with the truth. The truth that people are "fearfully and wonderfully made" (Psalm 139:14) and that God's works, in creation and in my life, are "wonderful," as my "soul knows very well" (Psalm 139:15). Porn and the associated youthful lusts, the inclinations to PMO to medicate pain, and all that is associated with PMOing, are childish ways that I am giving up.

My journey has not been perfect, but I know that because of Jesus, I am perfected as I am being sanctified. (Hebrews 10:14). For right now, I see only in a "mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now, I know in part, then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known." (1 Corinthians 13). How I see things now in this life are only dim reflections, but then I will see Truth face to face. In heaven, all these struggles will be gone. For now, though, I will fight the good fight of faith, and run this race.

Let's get down to the details of the current state of affairs:
- I edged today (PM'd) just short of O. Stopped myself several times today. Read an NoFap reddit thread that challenged a seemingly popular sentiment that "finishing" when you edge is better than just stopping when you edge. I am stopping. I'll take every victory I can get.
- These past three weeks, I have had streaks of around 1 week. Looking to make a major push.

A verse that has been resonating with me today has been 1 Samuel 12:20:
"And Samuel said to the people, “Do not be afraid; you have done all this evil. Yet do not turn aside from following the LORD, but serve the LORD with all your heart."

Indeed, I have done much evil. But I need not be afraid. I will follow the LORD. He is my Father. He welcomes me with open arms (Luke 15:20).
 
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