Journal

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by Butterfly1988, Apr 10, 2019.

  1. Faceplanter

    Faceplanter Fapstronaut

    I'll chime in too, briefly.

    I like my wife and she is beautiful.

    when I say that I am both being objective and truthful, because she is attractive and youthful in looks. I am lying, because of course she has aged and isn't the 20 something girl I married.

    but, this is like lying to yourself about looks when you have self confidence. you know you have changed but you can still see the handsome guy in the mirror. now, we don't all have that confidence and not all of the time, but that's the spirit of how a 40plus man tells his 40plus wife she's hot and gorgeous. it's true, but maybe not an objective truth.

    the other bit that I think of is that I love my wife because she is mine. we men compartmentalize!

    if I drive a beat up truck, I might love how that truck looks because it's mine. but..... that doesn't mean I can't think a Maclaren is nice too.

    I'm going to edit this on the desktop later....
     
  2. Mourde

    Mourde Fapstronaut

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    I used this analogy on my Wife and now I'm sleeping in the garage! Thanks!
     
  3. Butterfly1988

    Butterfly1988 Fapstronaut

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    Yeah, idk...

    Why is the wife or SO the beat up truck? I’m certainly the Maclaren to other men..
     
  4. Faceplanter

    Faceplanter Fapstronaut

    LOL, I was tired when I wrote that. Keep in mind, I mean beat up old truck in the nicest possible way!

    The idea really is that the wife / truck has value from the history you have with it. It's presumably been reliable, was once better looking, and carried a lot of your burdens with you over the years. Objectively, it's never going to be as shiny and pretty as a new McLaren, but that's not why you value it. Its the history together, knowing it's capabilities in detail, it's faults and how to get around them, it's knowing the truck intimately that puts the love in.

    So, that's why the SO is the beat up truck. The "bimbo" is the Mclaren. Nice to look at, but expensive to maintain, more likely to cause the driver to crash, not useful for hauling any burdens, and won't last half as long as the truck did.

    Maybe the ideal wife for us men is the Porshe Cayenne. Has some style but can still pull a trailer!

    Regardless, when we compliment our wives, we are adding how we value our history together AND their looks and using the final score.
     
  5. Mourde

    Mourde Fapstronaut

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    Nice recovery on that one!
     
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  6. Butterfly1988

    Butterfly1988 Fapstronaut

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    Haha. Right?

    But, I feel ya.
     
  7. Tao Jones

    Tao Jones Fapstronaut

    I guess he came by his name honestly. ;-)
     
  8. Mourde

    Mourde Fapstronaut

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    That gave me a serious good chuckle:D
     
  9. Mourde

    Mourde Fapstronaut

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    I'm so bad with that my wife says more then once in conversations we have she says " you better think before you answer that one". LOL
     
    Last edited: Jun 6, 2019
  10. Tao Jones

    Tao Jones Fapstronaut

    All in good fun, @Faceplanter ! :)
     
  11. Faceplanter

    Faceplanter Fapstronaut

    Oh, I get it, I was laughing too!
     
    Tao Jones likes this.
  12. Butterfly1988

    Butterfly1988 Fapstronaut

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    Not too many updates.

    We had a great weekend—went away to my hometown for a wedding.
     
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  13. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

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    Happy to hear you guys had a good weekend.
     
    Butterfly1988 likes this.
  14. Butterfly1988

    Butterfly1988 Fapstronaut

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    Thank you. How have you been?
     
  15. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

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    Getting confused and frustrated, but hanging in there.
     
  16. Butterfly1988

    Butterfly1988 Fapstronaut

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    @Lostneverland hope you get out of that confused and frustrated place. Know we are here for you <3
     
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  17. Butterfly1988

    Butterfly1988 Fapstronaut

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    Well, it’s funny how things go from walking on air amazing to shitstorm sucky and back to regular again.

    The weekend away was great—we spent a lot of time visiting family and friends. It felt like we were really an adult couple and I worried a lot less than I normally do. We just felt bonded. I did get triggered, but he was able to alleviate my worries by just answering my questions.

    Tuesday I went to Pilates and then got a drink with a girl friend afterwards. At the bar there was a woman who triggered me. It’s crazy how I get triggered even if my SO isn’t there. Happened again today when I got off the subway..

    I just start to think, “this is what he would like”, “he would be into her”, “I could never look like that.”

    So I texted him and told him about her. He acknowledged that the description is one of someone he may have been interested in long ago but he doesn’t care about her or anyone with those features because he has let go of his past, focused on not being a creep and being a better person, waking up to what is really attractive, and is focused on me and our relationship.

    This response was great. He acknowledged the past and is focused on the present. Honestly, he’s been great. Sex life is great and I can tell he is clean. I have no “sneaking suspicions” or any alarm in my intuition. I see the changes in his behavior. He even texts me when he uses his computer at work and tells me where and why he’s using it. Who would do that? Someone who is committed to me and our relationship.

    Despite this, I still just spiraled into anxiety and anger. I came home in a rage. About the past, about past pain, about jealousy of other women and insecurity in myself.

    There’s always going to be an attractive woman with an attractive body. Some women will look better than me, some will look worse.

    I know that my SO isn’t paying attention to anyone but me regardless of who he comes across. It’s like me—I may see an attractive man with an attractive body, even someone who is societally more attractive than my SO, but I see and move on.

    This is what I want.

    But, it’s so hard to let go of the past and pain.

    The rage and anger lasted for about 24 hours.

    I got home first yesterday and watched this show I like on Hulu—the Bold Type. In the show, one of the women’s partners cheats on her by kissing another woman. She dumps him, but ultimately forgives him. The reason she forgave him is because he has checked all of her “relationship boxes” except for the one incident. He told her, owned up to it, and asked for forgiveness. The reason she didn’t want to forgive him is because she didn’t want to be a “stupid woman who puts up with cheating”. I stared SOBBING even though it wasn’t that emotional. I related a lot. Even though the incident was different: my PA never told me and his incidences occurred obviously more than once. I feel like my SO meets all of my relationship boxes. He is kind, patient, loving, funny, sweet. He cleans the apartment and cooks when I ask. He changes for me. He loves my family and friends and I love his. He wants to get married. He wants to be a good man. He is even going to convert to Catholicism for me (a requirement to marry me by dad). We pray every night. He goes to his group weekly. He listens to his podcasts. He apologizes. He actually set an alarm for every day at 7 to apologize to me. The list goes on.

    I feel like a monster when I get in these rages—why is all this not enough for me? I have been cheated on and lied to so often. I just don’t want to be that dumb woman ever again. I never want to discover anything ever again.

    My SO did the right thing yesterday. He came hone and saw me crying and just laid and hugged on me. He told me how important I was to him and said, “please don’t break up with me.” I started sobbing and apologized for taking so long to forgive him. He told me please don’t apologize and to take as long as I need.

    Today, he continued to answer my questions when I got triggered. He also shared that he decorated his office with these inspirational quotes we wrote together to help him preservers though his addiction.

    I know I complain a lot, but I am really lucky and do feel very loved.

    He may have fucked up, but I am taking my good old time acting out in response to his behaviors.

    It is a process.

    But, “don’t worry about the pace, trust the process.”
     
  18. I tend to just get angry too when triggered and go on a rant. It's normal and you did great and he is doing aweeeesome!!! Such a great story to read.

    Maybe when you feel the way you did watching or reading or even listening to anything negative is a bad idea?

    Your anger is other emotions. Sounds like fear?

    And once you forgive him it frees yourself. And shuts the door to the past. :)
     
  19. Butterfly1988

    Butterfly1988 Fapstronaut

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    Thank you!! I definitely do listen to angry songs that fuel me on the way home, so maybe I’ll cut the music and channel my inner yogi to find some peace.

    It’s definitely fear- fear that he would relapse and chose the other attractive woman over me. Fear that I’m bit enough to keep or distract him. And jealously. I used to be ok with other attractive women...I am attractive too and it was the whole “a flower is beautiful even if there is a different beautiful flower next to it” thing. Now, they are a threat: ready to snatch up my SO’s attention and lure him into a world of fantasy away from me. It’s fear of being lied to and discovering something else. It’s PARALYZING!!

    What have you done to help you forgive and move forward?
     
  20. Welllll....this man sure is changing for you so I don't foresee him skipping off mentally or physically.

    You can't see the future or stop it. It's going to happen, good or bad, and we all have to learn how to take those bad and good.

    We could live in fear but...it doesn't change anything but stopping us from being happy.

    A coach we worked with for years is a motivational speaker (great guy) who uses the word FEAR as an acronym. If you remember that it helps a lot.
    F: false
    E: expectations
    A: appearing
    R: real

    False expectations appearing real. We influence ourselves so badly in being afraid of what we *think* is going to happen that we get stuck. Stop sticking yourself.

    The jealousy was a big one for me to get past. I still struggle and work on it. I do as you did..we are ALL flowers and all different and unique. Women should be uplifting one another. No matter what the guy next to us does. It isn't the innocent person's fault that our partner is an SA/PA. We can't be the other flower. And we weren't meant to be. We are our own flower.

    I learned through my own recovery as an addict, an SO and an ACOA (adult child of an acoholic), to forgive for myself as well as the other person, when that person deserves forgiveness.

    My husband is improving, he's on the right track and he's disclosed all his sins. I can't and won't hold him in a sort of soul bondage by not forgiving him for those sins against me. He still needs to forgive himself and I think a lot of addicts get stuck on that stage.

    To move forward you need to stop fearing, and just live for today and tomorrow without assuming the worst. Forgive the past.

    Y'all have such bright days ahead, don't let the past define either of you :)
     

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