Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by Butterfly1988, Apr 10, 2019.

  1. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

    Hello Butterfly...just break everything down to one moment at a time. As your trust builds the pain will fade. It’s challenging and scary, but you can do it.

    SOofanaddict put forth wonderful inspirational advise/guidance. You got this and it’s okay to be afraid, scared or fearful. Those emotions will pass. Let go and enjoy the positive.
  2. RedeemedIowan

    RedeemedIowan Fapstronaut

    Hey Butterfly,

    Good job hanging tough. You are going to get emotional. It happens to girls and guys both. It’s important for you to express what you feel in a way that’s not attacking. It sounds like you’re doing this and your SO responds well. Like really well. Calmly texting you and calming you down takes humility and hella patience.

    If I’m in your shoes, I continue to get more and more comfortable with your manfriend if he continues to work hard on his recovery. It’s certainly in both of your best interests for you to encourage him to do so.
    Butterfly1988 and Lostneverland like this.
  3. Butterfly1988

    Butterfly1988 Fapstronaut

    God, it’s like I take three steps forward and three steps back. As I was reading all of the nice messages from everyone and writing about how great things are going—I got upset again. And picked a fight again. We’re still not good.

    This addiction is tough to recover from because it feels like there are so many instances and different ways that infidelity was manifested, especially, in my case, at the very beginning of the relationship when we were supposed to be having fun, getting to know each other, and building trust. So once I get over one thing, I have questions and anxiety about the other thing. It doesn’t feel like it’ll ever get better, especially since we are approaching the anniversary of our first DDay.

    Maybe it’ll help to just list all that happened here:
    1) when we were just “talking” and not official my SO went on pursues women, got at least one number for sure, used tinder, went on two dates, one resulting in him sleeping with one of the women. This upsets me because I had us both take an STI test to even start sleeping together and we didn’t use a condom because of this. I ended up getting a yeast infection from the one encounter. thank God this is easily treatable albeit extremely uncomfortable). I found this out because he broke out in hives and confessed it to me last May.
    2) My SO lied to me 2-3 times about his location. Once, he told me he was home when he was still at a friends house. Another time, he told me he was deciding which bar to go to but was already at the bar. Another time, he told me he had fallen asleep in his clothes but didn’t fall asleep in his clothes and tried to put his pants on while FaceTiming me (this was the weirdest incident).
    3) My SO lied about stopping his P use multiple times. Once when I asked him to stop due to his DE and two more times when using PSubs through world star and Instagram. He even swore on his grandma and nieces’ lives. “May they die today if I am using p”
    4) My SO was obsessed with a college girl on IG because of her breast size. He continued to visit her page after he de friended her (my ask, of course).
    5) My SO used an app to keep photos and videos of 4 different women he had dated or slept with before me. He used this as P repeatedly during our relationship.
    6) My SO told me that my breasts don’t turn him on as much as the college girl on IG and that he preferred his exes’ breasts to mine because they were larger and that was his preference and that’s just something I had “accept” (meanwhile, he has a crooked dick from too much masturbation).
    7) My SO told me that his Ex and him had better sex than he and I did.
    8) My SO dropped me off at yoga and went to a bar a block away and flirted with some woman he met there.
    9) My SO stayed at my apartment without me with my permission one month into our relationship while I was at a friends home. During this stay, he watched porn and downloaded an app to meet and have sex with “cougars”. I sent him a nude photo of myself and he ignored it.
    10) My SO ogled women in Chicago whole he was visiting me there to repair our relationship.
    11) My SO ogled a woman on the subway while I sat right next to him the day after I threw him the “best birthday party” ever.
    12) My SO continued to ogle women despite swearing up and down this behavior had stopped because he was “mad I didn’t trust him”.
    13) My SO and I had to leave an NYE party early because he was ogling a woman too intensely the entire dinner.
    14) My SO received Spam Porn emails and though he didn’t open them, he didn’t tell me.
    15) My SO ogled a mutual coworker because of her breasts and ass.
    16) My SO planned to go to a crazy party that would’ve involved half-dressed women and booze and drugs without me. (After much fighting, he didn’t go).
    17) My SO commented on a bartender and called her his “wife” to his friend while I was sitting with them.

    Phew! That’s all I can think of. It feels good to list it out even though it’s all shitty.

    I just can’t stop looking up women who I think are his type and comparing myself. I will never have IG breasts, I will never have a worldstar ass. Even if I don’t look them up, I still see them in real life. This is New York City. Peeps be models walking around naked here.

    I will just be me. Right now, that thought is depressing.

    I don’t know why but I am stuck in a hole of depression, anger, fear, and resentment. But, help me, I can’t get out.

  4. Guuuurl....stop. Why are you picking fights?? Maybe confirmation you're the one? Mixed with some low self esteem and worries?

    I'm so sorry you went through everything you did. Look at your list. Stare at it. Every single thing you listed is past tense.

    He hasn't messed up. He's changing. He's seeing that what he thought he wanted in P and Psubs isn't what he really wants. He. Wants. You.

    For who you are. Not the boobs, not the looks.

    You're letting those worries get in your head.

    How long are you going to "celebrate" the possibly worst day of your life in DDay?

    You're stressing him out. Triggering him based on your triggers.

    Go hug that man and talk to him about your fears. I bet he has some too.

    You're beautiful. Stand up and shine. You're a butterfly :)
  5. And it HAS gotten better. If he's improving then it isn't 3 steps forward 3's rough but communicate calmly. What they've done we can't erase and they can't either but if our partner is making strides forward at some point we have to all realize it's a great thing and it's time to lay that shit to rest.

    Spread those gorgeous wings and stop doubting yourself and your relationship AND his determination.
    Butterfly1988 likes this.
  6. Butterfly1988

    Butterfly1988 Fapstronaut

    Wow. That hit me hard. You speak the truth.

    I gotta learn. I asked myself, “do you not want to be happy?” We had SUCH a great weekend and even the best makeup from our fight early this week. Why is it not enough?

    I guess I am afraid to be happy—every time I forgave him in between incidences and found myself “happy”, I found something new out. It’s tough to let go of that control that somehow anger falsely gives me. I think if I live in this rage, I’m protecting myself. But, I’m really driving myself crazy, finding myself depressed, and maybe even leading him to relapse or lie again because he’s scared of me or to leave me.

    I am going to try a simple phrase, “I am feeling [insert feeling] but I love you and need you to [express need].” And focus on more physical communication: hugs, hand holds, back rubs. Maybe we talk too much as just need to BE with each other.

    Thank you for reading and for the advice and for understanding my crazy.
    CYelllow and Deleted Account like this.
  7. Love the phrase. Talk and the same time :)
    Butterfly1988 likes this.
  8. @Mourde And I are actually discussing the whole DDay thing here while I'm typing. We discuss it alot. As a recovered addict and current SO... I don't really (this is MY opinion), see a reason to put yourself OR the addict through past hurt and pain. I honestly don't even remember Mourde's actual day that he gave me his list (it was about 75% completed which sucked). Do I remember what was on it? Yep. Does it hurt still? Yep.

    Am I going to sit that day (if I remembered it) eating a gallon of ice cream and bawling and rereading it? Or thinking "what if?". Nope. Am I going to make him relive his guilt, shame and terrified face when he handed me it? Nope.

    Mourde had an awesome idea and I'm going to toss it to you to think about.

    If your gent is truly changing and making positive strides...and you remember the day that your world fell apart...why live in the past? Make plans for that day for a new memory. A memory together. A celebration that is POSITIVE and acknowledges the trials you BOTH have made it through that year. A nice date, a theme park, the beach, something to move your and his thoughts (he's thinking of how that day is going to suck too you know?) from an awful moment BUT a moment that opened doors to change your relationship into the BEST it will be if he keeps moving forward to THE best memories ever. He's cleaned up, you're working on you and stronger, and it's seen as a fresh start.

    Just a thought. :)
  9. RedeemedIowan

    RedeemedIowan Fapstronaut

    Just remember the cycle of any addiction is:
    Using>Guilt>Emotional Trigger> Craving >Ritual > Using.

    As a recovered PA I know how it throws me right into the ‘guilty’ part of the cycle when my SO brings up the past in a way that attacks me.

    The tricky part of this is that you need to be able to express your emotions without attacking him. I think this blog is one great way to do that. Also would probably be good to have some sort of F2F support group or friends that are not your SO.
    Butterfly1988 and hope4healing like this.
  10. Getting triggered doesn't mean all that isn't enough for you. It is enough for you from this point on. But, you have wounds. They need time to heal, especially because they were reopened many times. Think of it like a bad cut...after it happens, you clean it up and bandage it and take care of it. But, that doesn't make it healed right then. It still takes time and care. If you were to cut it again while it's healing, that process starts over.

    You're doing fine. Give yourself time.
  11. Butterfly1988

    Butterfly1988 Fapstronaut

    Thank you! We did good this weekend—We woke up, made love which put us both in great moods, I went to an intense yoga class, we had a few friend events (a going away party and a visit), then we went on a date to the Highline and a Basque restaurant.

    I actually received like 3-4 compliments from people on the street. My SO kept reminding me of this.

    NYC is always triggering, particularly the Meatpacking Industry with aspiring models walking around. We both handled it well. I thought I saw a wandering eye or two, but he insists he was focused entirely on me. Didn’t make a big fuss about it. At the end of the day, I looked good and got compliments and his recovery is his. He knows if he was holding true to his goals or not.

    The next day, we had mimosas and breakfast in bed, dinner at home, and took a walk.

    It’s not been easy for me for some reason but I didn’t pick fights!
  12. Butterfly1988

    Butterfly1988 Fapstronaut

    Really appreciate this! Have a good support group of friends, but not many that I can talk to about this. Looked for support groups in NYC for partners. Gotta look again...
  13. Butterfly1988

    Butterfly1988 Fapstronaut

    Thank you. Good reminder.
    hope4healing likes this.

  14. Yay!!! So glad to hear! Maybe just calmly talk to him about what wasn't easy and offer suggestions on how it could be easier?
    Mourde likes this.
  15. Butterfly1988

    Butterfly1988 Fapstronaut

    Long time without posting.

    We moved into our new place today.

    Prior to the move, I’ve been in rough states. This means WE’VE been in a rough state too as a couple.

    Work ended earlier for my than it did my SO which meant I had a lot of free time on my hands. This meant that I spent a lot of time packing, going to all my annual doctors appointments, and thinking. I was feeling a lot of cold feet with regards to the move.

    For one, because of my four years single stint, I’ve always identified as a “single girl”. Being in the city especially makes you feel empowered in that identity. There’s so much fun to be had! I was a little worried about losing that fun now that I’m in a more grown up apartment in a grown up relationship.

    Secondly, there is a lot of trust that got lost due to my SO’s addiction and though he’s been working to rebuild it, it’s been inconsistent. I did something kind of fucked up: I created a fake Yahoo! Email with some stupid P-sounding name and sent him an email to see if he would tell me. He did! I got a screenshot and he told me he deleted it and screenshot the trash bin and spam folder to show it was nowhere else. I was so happy he was honest! But, I sent another one and heard nothing. He had a meeting, so I didn’t pressure him to respond as I was pretty sure he would do the right thing again. When he got out of the meeting he texted me so I casually asked if he got any more emails. He texted back that there was nothing. This was a lie. I knew there was a second email. I called him out and he came clean. I told him what I did. He told me he deleted the email when he saw it and that he was going to tell me but wasn’t prepared when I asked because he didn’t want me to assume that he had been getting the emails because he was visiting sites, which he wasn’t. He didn’t want to get a bunch of questions on his way out the door from work. This is fine and understandable, but I said he could have just said, “yes, I did. But, we will have to talk after because of work.” There was also an issue of his changing his email password without telling me (we have an open password policy for now). He said it was because he was locked out and just changed it and forgot to share. He is forgetful, so understandable. He can’t access P through his email app anyway (I tried through experimenting), so I don’t think there was an ulterior notice.

    Either way, this created an eruption of a fight because I told him I would leave him if he lied to me again. So dumb. Stupid boundary because here I am moving in with him. I had him sleep on the couch instead. We spent a lot of the week pretty distant and he apologized and all, but I just felt done. I started to go out more with my friends and not include him. I also lack trust because I wonder if he just PICKS and CHOOSES what to be honest about and what to lie about.

    He was asked to speak at his SAA and I was proud of him for that.

    I’m just at this point where I said to him that I am so proud of him being clean for 11 months. I am also proud of him for the shift in his perspectives and for “waking up”. But, the biggest issue is honesty and consistency. He has to prove that to me.

    So, here we are.
  16. This is something I don't think they'll ever understand...the inconsistency is a killer. They can tell 20 truths and then 1 lie, and everything suddenly lands on the lie. Yes, it's great about the 20 other times, but that once brings it all crashing down again. They see it as, "But, I've been honest almost every time." However, what it really tells us is, "You just showed me that you're still not trustworthy."
  17. Faceplanter

    Faceplanter Fapstronaut

    Can I just be the dissenting voice here?

    a) you were testing him not trusting him and b) everyone picks and chooses the truths they tell.

    Did you tell him right away you sent the email? Of course not, your lie had a purpose, so it was justified, right?

    It's fine if you need to check on things more because of the past but to try and entrap your SO isn't helpful.

    Don't let perfect be the enemy of good. None of us is perfect.
  18. Butterfly1988

    Butterfly1988 Fapstronaut

    Where have I been?

    Geez. Everywhere. Physically, emotionally, spiritually.

    I’m back. Not sure if I want to be. Not sure if this forum is the best for me, not because of the people in it (who are wonderful); but, rather because of me who is sometimes not. I am sometimes obsessive, manipulative, insecure, controlling, and jealous. CONSUMING——To say the least.

    But, I am also well-organized, detailed, thoughtful, empathic, motivating, hilarious, and electric.

    I don’t hate myself. But, I ebb. I flow.

    My boyfriend is quiet, secretive, easily embarrassed, easily feigns ignorance, forgetful, and immature.

    He is also sweet, caring, considerate, hardworking, handy, open, funny, relentless, and humanly human. Been clean for a year now.

    I don’t hate him. But, sometimes I do.

    It was a mess between us. I was beautiful between us.

    There was the weighing of rights and wrongs. And I felt he owed me something. He just felt bad.

    We moved in together. Left for vacation in the Caribbean. Came back. I left for the Midwest for work. I came back. I’m working, he’s off. He’s working on the house and cleaning and cooking. I’m exhausted from the hustle.

    It’s been easy, tough, wonderful, honest, fighting, loving.

    Overall, strong.

    That’s the update for now.

    Living in this balance.

    Hope you’re all well.
  19. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

    Way ta go,..sounds like an exciting journey. I’m happy for you
    Butterfly1988 likes this.

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