Journal

Not sure what this post is for but it sometimes helps me to write on here where my inner demons can't hide. I may keep this thread going as a journal. Today my urges got the best of me. My biggest problem is giving in, and although it is an addiction giving in in that moment is a personal choice. I move to something harmless saying this wont trigger me and if I gets bad I can turn it off. But then that moves from one thing to the next. I have wasted a lot of time today and would just like to write my thoughts down as I progress through this monster that is my addiction. I had just sharing thoughts as the title but it will be my journal. I won't post any specific trigger that I look at as it may trigger other people. My goals for quitting are these: being successful in the job I am in. I like my job and what I do fascinates me. I am socially awkward with new people and I don't think I am supposed to feel that way. I want to be that person that talks to anyone and doesn't feel like I will be judged or not know what to say. it really shouldn't matter. Better relationship with my wife, it isn't bad but I think we can connect on a much more personal level and I know I am the one lacking in that. Not being afraid to have sex with her and I will explain that. I had PIED in the past and didn't know what was causing it until I stumbled onto Gary Wilson and your brain in the cybersex jungle. If you haven't heard about him go to yourbrainonporn.com. During sex most of the time now it is great but there is that fear in the back of my mind that keeps saying please don't PIED don't effect me today. There are some other reasons but those are the main ones.
I have PMO'd twice today and I don't know why, I am in this haze where I don't know where the day went. I haven't paid attention to work at all. I have to be on my laptop all day so being away from my computer is not an option. Also a lot of confusion right now. When I first started and was real with the challenge I went 8 days and not real problem until I was on the 8th day. And I was proud of myself. My wife told me that she had noticed a difference lately, unfortunately that was after I ended my streak. My head feels fuzzy and I personally feel like crap on an emotional level. There is still a part of me, a part that won't give up that is still strong and wants to keep going. Everytime I fall of the horse to get back on a start again. I know I can do this. I feel that I have let myself down and every time I PMO I don't want to finish any of the movies I have up. And just feel that the streak was wasted.
I am going to keep a journal here through the days. How I feel when I get an urge and how I deal with it. I hope that I will feel accountable to this and to everyone who may read this. I hope it helps some people I want to be someone that helps in this community, it really is a great one. I will check in tomorrow and write about day one.

 

I didn't write about Saturday or sunday because I was mixed up with my days and though it was going to be Tuesday. Just got back from vacation on Thursday so my days were off. The weekends never are too difficult for me but every now and then something will hit my brain and tell me to look something up and the main problem lately has been allowing myself to look whatever it is that my brain wants. Giving in has been a huge problem for me. Other than the small urges weekend went by with ease, I can usually keep myself occupied. But I had sex with my wife on Saturday and hardly had the hard on that I usually do. Friday I was watching stuff for hours, I probably PMO'd the second time within 30 mins-1 hour of the first one. But before I finished my first I was probably watching stuff for four hours. Monday, day three for me has been a little more difficult than the weekends. I have had a lot more urges come up and now not allowing myself to look things up has definitely helped. But the urges are still there, I just have to get used to discomfort. I am slowly becoming a day trader, but porn has been a huge problem and I haven't noticed it as one until the last couple years but have been trying to do this for a little over seven years. I have noticed two things that usual start an urge or trigger, if I am doing bad in the market it is uncomfortable so I want to escape and I go to porn. Or watching a trade takes place can be stressful so I want to escape that and go to porn. I knew about that but the one I just figured is a lot of times I am waiting for something to happen in the market so I can decide what to do and I notice extreme boredom. Like something that shouldn't be boring, but it seems that way to an extreme. Today I figured out what that feeling is. When my brain doesn't get hits of dopamine like it wants I feel a weird feeling of disappointment. And it sometimes stays there which can lead me to a relapse. But along with the small urges and a case of extreme boredom nothing to hard to handle, the main win for me is not giving in and no peeking at whatever it is craving. And the extreme boredom is just something that you notice out of no where so if you aren't doing anything and just notice that you are really bored get up and do something quick because you will get triggered very soon.

 

I forgot to mention that it is mainly at work that I have a problem, as some might have already guessed. The rest of today went well with little urges here and there. I have noticed the more I help in the community the better but I have to make sure it doesn't take away from work.

From an early age I started watching porn, it was dial up so I didn't watch any videos or anything but whenever I had a lot of school work or anything I usually just watched porn instead. I did that so much that now in my adult life every time I need to study I literally get uncomfortable and feel a lot of discomfort. I usually want to watch porn and if my brain can't get me to do that I want to do anything else beside buckle down and study. I just have to make sure I'm not on this site to much when I supposed to be studying.

 

Day 4: Urges were much stronger today than they have been. Have a slight headache but I think the main reason is stress of my job. Today was stressful but I think part of it is not getting that dopamine fix. If anyone reading this has had headaches from not getting their dopamine fix let me know. But the urges were pretty extreme today, brain used same tactic as yesterday though. My brain just told me to at least edge, just watch a little bit but I reframed. Knowing that is the craving talking and not me, helps a lot. I can separate myself from my urges, so I'm not really fighting myself I am fighting urges. It makes it easier to face for me. I know a lot of times just seeing your streak go up isn't enough, so I post a lot on here to help others and that helps me. And a lot of people are really use to having a quick fix. Thing is a PMO addiction and fighting urges won't work by walking away every time or just by will power. Sometimes when the urges or bad sure getting up and taking a walk is something you will have to do. But for the most part you will have to endure the discomfort that comes with not watching or getting that fix. Don't sit there and endure and do nothing though, that won't help and you will surely relapse. While your sitting there and you know it is uncomfortable do something you have been meaning to finish, or start something new. Read a book you have been wanting to read, take that run or do that workout that you have been putting off, or pick back up that instrument you have been meaning to practice. There are a ton of things you could be doing to better your life with. For me personally when I get to day 4 I start getting the need to keep moving and not be lazy, and it is an awesome feeling. Don't sit there bored trying to beat it with willpower. There is no motivation there for you to keep going so you probably won't.
For my last point on day 4 is quit porn don't make porn on option. This one you will have to think about and may not help people that masturbate a lot but don't use porn. My problem is porn to edging to full PMO. Make it to where porn is not an option for you, not I'm not going to watch it today. I'm not going to watch porn ever again. Many people will say well yea if I could do that I wouldn't have a problem. This is one you will have to think about, have you said no more porn like devoted yourself to no more? Or have you just decided I won't watch porn today, not today? There is a difference. I will post a video and see you all on day 5,

 

I think the video makes a good point.

 

Day 5: Today went by pretty well. Urges were pretty strong but oddly enough easy to say no. I haven't watched porn since last Friday when I relapsed and not giving in, I mean no peaking no nothing has made it easier. Some of my hardest days are when I have given in and watched some porn, not gone full PMO but just watched a little bit of porn. And it plagues until I eventually go back to watch more and then it usually leads to PMO. I also have this mood of just generally being happy. Each day I have become more productive than the previous one and it keeps getting better. I have a great energy level and after work I just like to get stuff done. I have no desire to be lazy or play video games or anything that is unproductive. And I'm not saying video games are bad I still play them but usually during the week there is just stuff to do. The urges have come through out the day but they have been easy to pass off. One thing I have had to do and I know I have said it before was deal with discomfort. You can't avoid it and it is the only way to get better. You have to sit in it and get used to it. Some people use the cold shower method to get used to it but I knew my vice was at work so it just gritted my teeth and got used to it. Once you saying no to porn, stop watching and edging, it gets easier over time. I'm not saying there won't be urges though there definitely is, what movies have I not seen, what things or pornstars have I not seen. You are not missing anything trust me. Here is what you are missing when you quit porn, pornstars that don't know you and may not care, movies that are played by actors and the actors may not actually enjoy it. There are a lot of people that will say well they seem to enjoy it, they are actors trying to act like they do. It is their job. You are missing out on wasting time and feeling ashamed and empty after. And most of all you are missing out on resetting your clock again. All the things that have been going great for me can happen to you too. It may not happen right away it may take some time but you have to keep going, keep pushing forward. You can change and their is hope for everyone here. I promise eventually you will get through it and get to experience greatness.

I wanted to talk about something, there are a lot of people on here that want that magic formula to not look and it is something I have dealt with a lot. I asked people what they did wanted a magic saying or something when urges came or things got tough. Here it is: THERE ISN'T ONE. You have to be able to deal with discomfort, not run from it the more you run from it the more you are going to be resetting your clocks. You have to start dreaming about who you want to be. Who do you want other people to see you as. You have to be the one to push back against your addiction. Know this, you addiction is not you it is an addiction. When an urge comes to look at porn know that it is not you it is your addiction. I just call it my craving, my craving isn't me it is just my craving. When you expose it and say it isn't you it loses power. You can kinda look it in the face and say no we are not looking today. Go through the pros and cons of looking at porn. You won't find many pros the idea. In the end you have to stand up and work on your discipline. You can do this, if anyone is reading this and wants help message me. Be who you want to be, it is up to you. You can do anything you want to do, just do it.

 

Day 6: Sorry for being late forgot I had a doctors appointment. But I will write in present tense to help me flow more. Today was a lot different for me than normal. Got hit with a bombshell and I'm not sure what to call it. Someone else classified it as a "fuck it" moment. Although it wasn't really that either. Super strong urges though, like I have never felt in a long time. It was one urge after another, almost seemed to be no break in between them. So, I finally decided to edge with just reading some porn material. Not really a good idea because one thing quickly lead to another and I was on videos in no time. I probably edged for half an hour until I could finally break away. I hit the x buttons in all the tabs and walked away for a little bit. I have never been able to do that before and my cravings were definitely upset. There was still plenty of movies up that it wanted to finish. And I give an identity to my craving, referring to it as "it", a lot because I know it isn't me and don't want others to confuse themselves by thinking that you want and need the porn. You don't want or need it, your cravings do once you start going on more days without porn it will get quieter and quieter. But not before it gets really loud which is what happened to me. Once you give in it is easier to give in again. So don't fool yourself by saying I will peak at some porn then it will stop bugging me. Well you have opened the door for your craving and now it will be hard to shut. All the effects or benefits from nofap i still feel so I don't think I set myself back to far. I have been on a pretty good streak before and edged for like 7 hours on and off before and believe me you won't feel the effects of nofap. You will feel brain fog, you will feel down, definitely no that energy filled way you did before you start edging. When you get hit the barrages of porn urges I suggest you get up and go for a walk. Go to the water cooler if you are at work something. There are times when you need to sit with all those urges and learn to deal with discomfort but there is a time to "retreat" and come back a little more refreshed. There are just some urges in the beginning that are a lot harder to take on. But with everything in nofap you will sometimes have to take small victories away when you stumble. I was able to pull away before I was in porn for several hours or a relapse. That is definitely a win for me, I'm not saying that I could do it again today though. So I am going to start my p counter over and do day one today. I will write later today about day 7.

 

Day 7: Today was much better than yesterday. Had some minor urges that told me to go to some of the stuff from yesterday but I was not going down that road again. Other than that really nothing as far as feelings and stuff. I feel awake and stimulated to work and be productive definitely different that how I was before nofap. I read a bunch today about edging and the effects it has. What I learned was that when you have sex dopamine is released, sex usually releases the highest amount of dopamine without external help like drugs or porn. After orgasm there is a rise in prolactrin and it drops the dopamine back to base line levels and prevents the release of anymore. So you get some release from dopamine. When we edge with porn we are releasing more dopamine that is normal and when we don't masturbate we don't get that release from it so we are stuck with this want of more. Some people describe it as turmoil inside themselves. Could be a reason that every time you stop without orgasm you are right back on it. Ever notice that when you PMO and have other videos up you have no desire to finish them. The orgasm is the reason. When we edge without orgasm we can do more damage than when we PMO. Both is bad but edging can be considered worse. This is a very good article on it. Long but I promise it is worth the read.http://www.yourbrainonporn.com/what-if-i-use-porn-without-orgasm. This weekend I have more to write about. I'm going to tell my full story and want to write about some effects porn has. Porn has an affects what you think can be hot, views on women, and views and how men should look and be. Just want to talk about some things. To all my readers stay strong and I will write again this weekend. On a side note: I HAVE COMPLETED 7 DAYS WITH ONE INSTANCE OF SLIPPING TO LOOK AT PORN.

 

I would like to apologize to the people that read this thread. I haven't kept up with it. I have still done well with no pmo but I have been battling porn lately. I broke a rule that I have and have said it in here before. I looked at porn Thursday I think. Well it happened again over the weekend and once more one morning. But today I have not looked at porn but urges have definitely been there. Once you look you have fresh images on your mind that can lead you right back to look at more. Edging is very dangerous in itself, it fills your head with dopamine and you mind just craves more. My mind has been telling me it is ok to look and we won't look for long. But that is always a lie, don't ever let your mind fool you one that. You have to practice saying no to those cravings. I even caught myself mid autopilot today. I clicked on internet explorer and then opened a new tab. Then out of no where came back into consciousness and said no no I can't do this. So I was able to stop before any porn was on my computer. So definitely a win for me. Today has felt pretty good for me. Work has gone well and so has day 1 of no porn. With this addiction it can be very hard to say no and that auto pilot thing is weird. It is like your dreams and what you want to do with your life are gone. You can be like a zombie just clicking to porn, and I know once I have clicked on porn I will be on it for a while. Once you have clicked on it once you have what some call the chaser effect. Sex can actually do the same thing. I will find a video about it to better explain. So day 1 of no porn complete and day 12 of no pmo done.

 

He describes the chaser effect here. Great video.