Journey for freedom

Recently I have fallen off the wagon again; and while that does not discourage me to try and overcome it, I find myself reflecting on my life. All I've wanted to do with my life is the right thing; to be a good person, make good choices, and serve the Lord. However, I've never had any dreams or ambitions as to what I want to do with my life; who I wanted to be when I became an adult. It's interesting how the Lord asks us to serve Him faithfully, and yet he allows us the freedom to choose major aspects of our lives so long as we keep the faith. I recently have been wondering if my inability to decide what kind of career to pursue or what kind of life to make for myself has anything to do with PMO. Have I spent so much time trying to get over it that it has distracted me from my life? Will overcoming this addiction lead me to figure out what I want to do with my future? Though I cannot be certain, I will trust that the Lord will make a way soon.

 

So far today is one of my more difficult days. I can almost feel the sin and temptation clawing at my brain and body; trying viciously to get out during this time of reboot. I can only pray that it does not prevail.

 

Lately I have been questioning how I'm supposed to balance my life out while trying to reboot myself. Rebooting is a mentally taxing process and I fear that I won't be able to succeed in my studies or job effectively until I do. Is trying to reboot while in the middle of gaining an education a losing fight? I find myself mentally taxed and constantly distracted by everything that takes away from my important work. How does one succeed in life when battling addiction takes away from so much of it? I pray that God gives me such an answer.

 

I am seriously having a bad day right now. 10 days in and I'm inches away from braking.

 

I appreciate that; however I am sorry to disappoint you my friend, but I broke down yesterday. Just cracked under the pressure, but I take full responsibility for my actions. I do take solace in the fact that I maintained sobriety for 10 days (even though it sucks worse now because I lost them). But I'm not giving up now, and I won't beat myself up over it either. If anything, its like exercise and I just need to keep at it. Appreciate the support.

 

Since I joined Nofap, 10 days has been my longest. As far as resets, I haven’t counted, but I’m pretty sure it’s a lot; either more or less than 10 resets. If it’s any consolation 10 days isn’t my longest streak, but that was a long time ago.

 

Admittedly my prayer life is lacking and I know I can do better; but mostly I'm just trying to get through this so that I can get on with my life as a whole. I know God has a plan and I'd rather not push off whatever he wants from me; not out of impatience, but rather to find purpose in my life. I'd like to not waste these early years of my life dealing with this addiction because it feel as though it has hindered me both mentally and spiritually. I have no clue what I want to do with my life, and its bad enough having to choose between many different paths; but having to put up with addiction first, that's just overwhelming. I don't expect everything to fall into place once I achieve PMO sobriety, but I don't want to get stuck behind while everyone gets ahead you know?

I've heard many testimonies Christians who went through all kinds of various trials and difficulties throughout their lives. Many of them lost their way for a while and God was able to help them back through very inspiring ways.
I have no intention of walking away from the Spirit to indulge in the desires of the flesh. My faith in Christ is absolute, which is why I want to get past this so badly; so that I can get my life started for real and let the Holy Spirit work in my life completely. I don't know anything about what I want to do with my life, but what I do know is that I want to do what's right in His name and show others his love and mercy. Though I have failed again and again, God has forgiven me; just like the Parable of the Lost Son. I have no intention of going around in circles like this and I will be patient, but I know now that I need true resolve and the desire to leave this sin behind me; and only through the Lord will I have the strength to do so. In the words of Tom Petty and Johnny Cash, "I will stand my ground, and I won't back down".

 

Appreciate the support man. May He guide you on your journey to recovery as well.

 

I do not blame you for pointing that out, but I must correct you in one area. I never try protecting the counter, I just reset it whenever I relapse because I don't want to forget about it. Just trying to be honest if I'm going to have a sobriety counter for all to see. Don't want to feel like a liar and I don't want to be anything less than honest on this site. As far as everything else, you are correct and I should focus more on the Lord. It's just that it becomes hard to do when piled up with everything else I have going on in my life. I guess in a way that could make someone loose focus of what's important.

 

I mean, if I'm not mistaken, sometimes when people in other addictions fall off the wagon it can hit them for days; not just one day. Sometimes its hard to get back into a routine once you've relaxed from it. I have the same problem when I try to get into exercise. I can be at it for a few days or even a week, but if I get sick or deviate from that path for even a day; it becomes difficult to jump back into that routine.

 

I’m not justifying anything. I wish I didn’t do it and I would prefer to get back on track right away, but it’s not that simple. As for it being a comparison, I’m just try to explain the situation in a way that people can understand. I believe one should explain themselves in full so that assumptions and speculation by other people can be avoided. It’s all a matter of understanding.