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Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by Kenzi, Nov 4, 2018.
Congrats @Kenzi , we'll be soon starting ours!!
Message me if you want extra help!
Yep, I will for sure....thanks heaps!!
Last night when all else was failing.
And I do mean Everything ...
In a fit of doubt and frustration Rock_Star said something that has me completely thinking about forgiveness.
And not lightly either.
Happy Valentines Day to me.
That sounds especially interesting. Was this in a spiritual context, or just like practical interpersonal relationship sense?
There's a song I remember "forgive... a mighty big word for such a small man" which applies to my life for sure. For the admittedly smaller debts I've been tasked to do this for, though, it's always well worth the effort to let things go with a smile. Life is far more rewarding living free and clear of baggage.
A practical interpersonal relationship context .
I've written about forgiveness before and how I feel like it's too frequently freely given away before the PA truly makes ammendment for the crime of the betrayal ,leaving opening for more relapses and hurt in the relationship.
Not only having true empathy, but understanding and sympathy as well as deep reconnection to your spouse needs to be reestablished before forgiveness so that the PA doesn't obtain the forgiveness and his PB (Porn Brain) which still may play a large part in his total actions and see this as a loop hole in recovery to not gain full sobriety and niche "well if I relapse ,I can just get forgiveness so it's okay"
Mistakes are made every day, sure and that's okay, people are human, beating addiction is difficult (I know) but that's no excuse to try and crutch on thinking you can wipe the board clean because the spouse is kind or forgiving.
Ultimately Forgiveness should be when you are sure that a person is working on/in sobriety and not just recovering.
That takes alot of work.
In our case?
Also, alot of time.
First of all, forgivness is multifaceted.
And hinging forgivness just on "it's for you" is a load of crock.
You can forgive and still be angry and you can forgive for and find something else to offend you.
You can let go of any anger, resentment, animosity and hurt and still not forgive.
I do believe it's also written... And correct me if I'm wrong here (according to my own Christian mother and several of my councils - I feel like I should edit in that Google was a council and I grabbed my brothers Bible to cross reference) that forgiveness is, according to the Bible when the person who sinned is unable to repent, or when once repented forgiveness is dawned.
So, while forgiveness is "for you" it does not mean that the person is "off the hook" and it's often skewed as such.... Especially by the offender and by the other parties.
So, nowhere in the Bible is forgiveness offered unconditionally.
Now.... I don't believe I needed to forgive for myself, it wasn't holding me in my life back... Maybe this is a difference in religion? Or personal beliefs? I also don't believe that my not forgiving was a punishment for my partner but a boundary so that the back-building towards our relationship could be obtained. We became damaged to an extreme extent, This is the line in the sand.
Come back to cross it.
Establish our wholeness again.
It wasn't anything specific I wanted him to do, or requested.
It was simply a feeling I felt when he spoke.
I waited for THIS feeling I didn't force it or decide it. It was something I KNEW.
Call it that woman's intuitive thing you always talk about.
But that's my speel on forgiveness
I whole heartedly agree on the holy book (why I edited it out)
Everyones religion should be to each their own.
I knew you would understand tone, but others may not.
Wanted to share this. Funny enough I know the writer personally. Slowly but surely it’s getting out there. Since you’ve often posted re kids and exposure, thought I’d share here first.
Sending happy healthy thoughts your way, friend.
As a mom of teenagers fast approaching ... Sort of in line with @TooMuchTooSoon article, makes me think lately, about all the things (tech included) as summer approaches - we as parents, we should be talking about with the children.
Video games, short skirts and "just because it's a screen doesn't mean you are invisible or it's a excuse to act like a ass" are all topics to be considered and covered in my opinion.
It's so important to talk to your kids especially prior and during their teenage years. I always have but I've also found once they started high school (grade 7 onwards) and moved into much larger schools and now with all the seniors (grade 7 to 12) we seem to lose them, their attention and understanding. They begin to pay more attention to those peers around them and the world around them. And look at us like we are out of touch with the current world. I don't know how many times I've been told you just don't understand mum. You don't know what it's like in our day and age, in our generation. Like I'm 80 or something. Everything we've talked about be it video games, any tech, drugs, alcohol, porn, sex, relationships they think because we are trying to get them to see things differently to what they see and talk about in their generation, what they believe is the social norm and way of life in this era, that we see it differently because we are old. Like I'm only early 40's. I haven't been living under a rock and I've seen and experienced a lot in my lifetime.
IAs can be in your world but just not of it.
LMAO, that's pretty much the constant line they get from me "You can't pull the wool over my eyes, I wasn't born yesterday..." it's quite funny you know. I've heard them talking to their friends at times, "I knew my mum would work it out, I told you. My mum always works it out, nobody else's parents work it out but she does" Last time this happened, was when my youngest and he's friends, had all their parent's confirm sleepovers via a phone call with some female they'd organised to imitate to be the Mother of the child they were supposed to be sleeping at. And they'd arranged to go to some bush party and then sleep at that child's house whose parents were away for whatever reason that night. Everyone else got away with it apparently except my son. It sucks being him.
Do you mean they'll always be indifferent of your (our) world. How does it work? I guess I'll learn soon enough when I'm doing it
Always on the night before I have a big important event ... We fight.
Pre-event stress? My wife and I seem to be at each other’s throats the night before each vacation. Packing and planning and all the little details...
While waiting in line...
Interesting article. Thanks.
It's JUST a fight. . It's not IA he says . ..
Yet, he's blaming me, criticising me, using anger, storming off, not letting me have feelings, then when I retreat and am quiet... Because who has anything to say when it's all wrong? He says I'm using silence to control him... Deflection much?