Journey to the Unknown (pt 2)....Married & Alone

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by Kenzi, Nov 4, 2018.

  1. 0111zerozero11

    0111zerozero11 Fapstronaut

    You are important to me. You have no idea the strength I have gained from you & the impact you've made on me. It's not the same as having your husband make you feel important, this I know all too well.....

    But. You are so very important, special, wanted, needed, idolized, etc etc by so many humans.

    I'm sending my gratitude via energy; I pray it reaches you & you let it in.

    Chin up, beautiful
     
  2. Strength And Light

    Strength And Light Fapstronaut

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    That was a really nice reply. You're a really cool person Kenzi.

    Is there any chance that it really scares you to have things quiet and calm? Sometimes in the context of what you write I get the impression that if there's not screaming and dishes flying you don't feel loved or cared about. A kiss on the forehead is detrimental. Soft kindness is stomach-turning. If you aren't being fought for or depended on, you feel very vulnerable. Being fought for or depended on alleviates your insecurity about being inconsequential in life. It's very similar to my needing to be vocally or sexually desired to feel worth. It's great while you're getting that specific type of attention (from an outside source) but then it's crash and freak out when it's not forthcoming.

    I'm not saying RS's behavior is to be applauded. I just wonder what your relationship landscape would be if you improved on your own insecurities. This isn't a knock on you, it's something I believe would help anyone and everyone, married or single. Would finding ways to improve your personal sense of significance allow you to be more at peace during times when RS needs personal space or when things are going more smooth? That's I think what I'm getting at.

    Of course I would encourage RS to work on his insecurities as well. I don't know. I just want things to work out for you guys. You're a great person with a sharp mind and a great heart. I think there are ways to make improvements to your well-being that aren't so reliant on your marriage.
     
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  3. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    OK, lol...
    I hate forehead kisses!
    Buuuuutttt...
    I don't need a knight fighting for me all the time.
    I don't need to be crazy to be good or whatever you said.
    That's why I tried to talk to him when the book ended.. . I wanted everything to be calm and sirene moving forward.
    That's why I had that Big conversation. And yes, part of me does need to be needed ... Especially after the affair?
    Not to place everything on my spouse, but at some point he should Want to be a part of this partnership. He should choose to opt in and support me when I am working, when I make his lunch, when I take care of the kids, when I cook his dinner or clean the house.... Or am sick myself or take on a community project. He should support me. Not a little bit.
    But stand behind me completely without me fighting him because when I ask he putz over just enough to say he IS supportive and isn't Really supportive....hes only there to be able to say he Was supportive and yell at me that he was supporting me and I should let him support me the way he wants to support me, all the while not really supporting me.
    Being supportive isn't fighting along the way.
    Being supportive isn't antagonsing the person along the way.
    Being supportive is showing up.
    Love shows up.
    If something is important to someone you shouldn't have to explain and explain it to them.
    You show up .... Because you know.
    You don't pick it apart.
    Do I need to improve my own insecurities?
    Yes.
    Where are my unsecurities?
    The fact that I have tried to prevent my marriage when it is good from getting this bad....
    Several times ..
    And it seems pointless at this junction..
    So why am I working on it?
    I just don't know.
     
  4. Strength And Light

    Strength And Light Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for hearing me. I know you didn't ask me to chime in, and I don't have the luxury of firsthand perspective on any of this. I believe I am hearing you also. I understand what you are saying and your frustration sounds valid. I wish I had more helpful words to share. Or humor. Something. All I've got is that you do keep coming here, and you do keep working your ass off at this, and you are a major force, and you do move mountains when it seems like they won't budge. I can't fathom that spirit that you carry failing you, so no matter what, I believe you will succeed at whatever you aim your energy toward.
     
  5. Susannah

    Susannah Fapstronaut

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    Yes, I agree with Cake on this, but....

    ..also this! I noticed a new post this morning on the SO Talent Show thread that YOU, THE AMAZING KENZI THAT WE ALL ADMIRE AND LOOK FORWARD TO HEARING FROM started! It was a great idea and I have been meaning to add my own reply to it for a while. I will do it today. Thank you for ALL you do, and never think that your contributions on this site go unnoticed. Hugs to you.
     
  6. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    Thanks guys .. I have been away .
    I've been sick and had sick kids...
    So much illness .. Frakkin plague in this house, ugh.

    In other news....
    Me and Rock Star fought it out.
    That resolved more peacefully vs ka-boom.
    It took a smaller fight vs to keep fighting about the same fight, to spiral us out and bring us back.
    Up all night talking..
    I'm not doing well... I'm beyond stressed and alot of its out of my control...
    Kids and doctors and all sorts of crazy outside forces impacting our lives and I just want some support..
    I put out everything for Rock Star to do music or do hobbies or change jobs or just. ... Things as they come along.
    Its been All Him, All Star for... Years.
    I have asked for one thing and he ruined it by his affair in this time.
    Seriously.
    Years ago I asked for one Thing to be supportive of.
    I put everything else on hold, I was 'mom' outside of my job.
    Now, I am taking up other things, while 'sick' and while our kids not the best to try to get the best life possible... And he what?
    -Rock_Star-
    Wants to start a band.
    Wants to do this.
    Wants to do that.
    Like... Dude.
    All my stress is 30 days.
    Im Hy-fee for 30 days..... I shouldn't have to ask for 30days.
    It's in the calendar.
    Your calendar.
    Family. Doctors appointments .... My test results. My tests!!
    Like.... Seriously??
    What is this urgent urgency to put yourself first, to go Out Of Your Way to put yourself First ALL the time ? ?
    I NEED you ...!!!
    And I shouldn't have to ask...
    You *should* just* show *up. *
    Love shows up.
    I'm scared and I have alot going on... I can't continue to carry this heavy load of marriage and our family.
    Carrying all the burden all the time, is too heavy and hard. I shouldn't have to fight you and fight for ... All of this.
    Something Has to give.
    The gaslighting and defensiveness is too much.
    Do you Need to be right?
    Telling me how to deal with my anxiety?
    Over my crumbling body?
    Do you know?
    Do you care?
    No!
    Its not about the situation ...
    It's about feelings.
    Absolutely understanding them.
    Being there. Being supportive.
    I need to be needed.
    That's a nice way to support me.
    Ask me to make dinner.
    Show me I'm important.
    Do I like doing the dishes? No. Will I? Yes.. Because I'm your wife. Me. I'm not supposed to be replaceable. That's why we are working on our marriage and not getting a divorce, right? I know now, Rock_Star did the dishes cuz he thought he was helping cuz my shoulder hurts (I had it dislocated once and it flares sometimes) but would I have liked to be asked? Yes.
    I want the space I created for my big ass family to be appreciated. If he shows he appreciates the home, the children will appreciate the home. Any time he says he likes dinner at least two of the kids follow suit and say "yup, dinner is great mom!" or "I like this part"
    I don't want to be Away.
    I don't want to be emotionally disconnected from my family.... Or from Rock_Star ... I don't know why he couldn't just be there?
    Hopefully .. He can be, now, and we are done with this fight.... Buuuuutttt I shouldn't have to fight, to get someone to stand by me.
    It's sort of redundant.
    In my opinion .
    Why does anyone want to be in a marriage to fight with a person instead of stand by them?
     
  7. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    New schedule and so far it's going well??
    All is calm... I say hesitantly....
    Busy, as some extended family Flys in today...
    Its been nice.
    Absolutely.... Busy and hectic but
    .... New ways to do things .. New ways of fighting?
    Ways of understanding?
    I don't know.
    We are trying something new.
    There was this thing Rock_Star pointed out... Something about a breaking point I wanted to remember...
    How people keep piling on to the breaking point and then do it all again instead of finding a middle when they need balance all the time.
    So,that's what we are doing
    Finding balance
    Now, not at the breaking point.
     
  8. Balance seems to be the key to a lot of things in life.
    Glad to hear it :)
     
    Kenzi likes this.
  9. Strength And Light

    Strength And Light Fapstronaut

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    Neat. I like it. :)
     
    Kenzi likes this.
  10. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    OMG ...
    RANT

    I AM SO SICK OF...
    everybody making fuckin every single little fuckin thing about race, about gender, about vaccines, about politics, about man vs women... About fuckin whatever "this" against "that" .. !!
    Can't we all just. ..PEOPLE??
    EQUALITY & Justice will start when all groups stop making it This against That and start blending.
    Stop talking about color.
    Stop making it about gender.
    Just fuckin STOP!!
    Its not really educational...
    Its not.
    We don't need all this awareness....
    At some point it's not "awareness" anymore, it's passive bigotry and it's fuckin annoying.
    It also makes you look like a idiot.
    Gawd!

    Picking a side, only divides.
    Seriously.
     
  11. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    A-fuckin-men.
     
  12. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    Wondering if there was a IA relapse?
    But we resolved it without spinning out.
    A low level drag out fight.
    Rock_Star was using negative start ups for almost two days, he was really stressed out and I was struggling to engage back.
    I told him... I'm not going to be warm to you when you are so 'attacky constantly'
    He was also being rough and blamed me for pulling away...and not being receptive during sex.
    I said "how can I be receptive during sex? This isn't sex at all! It seems like you are self sabotaging sex so you don't have do it, so why start it?"
    And when I said that out loud I went...
    I wonder of this is IA??
    & he said No because he was trying to work it out, and then we went around about not hearing each other.... From which point I guess he was quiet for a few minutes because he realized that I was triggered (so he said that) and then Rock_Stars mood changed.
    And I was still upset, but it's not like I can always just calm down after he yells at me.
    But we were able to work it out from there. He tried to touch me and hissed at him. He snapped a little bit at me and I said I was sorry and he tried touching me another way. I said it wasn't that I didn't want touching, cuz I did... I just don't always know what will work (especially when I'm worked up) it's hard.
    Assessing.. Waiting ... Yes, that's not triggering on top of the triggers already happening. It's exhausting.
    I want closeness. .
    I just don't want to be a object or dirt or something like that.
    I want to be special.
    (In those instances) . It gets... Harder.
    Because it needs to be "more?"
    So it's all resolved... Woke up no sleep, and hoping for a better day.
    Coffee. :emoji_coffee:
     
  13. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

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  14. Trappist

    Trappist Fapstronaut

    FOMO?

    It seems everyone has less patience and demand more faster.
    Trying to match tech?
    Kids have that as the status quo.

    Good article.
     
    Kenzi likes this.
  15. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    Fear Of Missing Out
     
  16. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

  17. ItsNeverTooLate

    ItsNeverTooLate Fapstronaut

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    Kenzi likes this.
  18. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

  19. Kenzi likes this.
  20. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    Lol
     

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