Journey to the Unknown (pt 2)....Married & Alone

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by Kenzi, Nov 4, 2018.

  1. Trynagetbetter

    Trynagetbetter Fapstronaut


    In 20 years of marriage, I have found that many wives want to be able to spend money without their husbands knowing. They don't want to feel guilty or controlled. They don't want to ask for permission. It's hard justifying a feel-good purchase to someone who doesn't get it: the overpriced handbag that makes you feel just right; the just gotta-have perfect shoes; that perfect dress; jewelry. Men don't seem to appreciate or value these and it's exasperating for many women to have to deal with men's questioning, eye-rolling or lecturing about budgets and not being controlled by emotional shopping. I've had to learn how my financial anxiety as breadwinner is actually dehumanizing for my wife (I was shocked to overhear her explaining to another woman that I, like the woman's husband, was making her feel that way). Not saying keeping secrets is a good idea, and obviously it would be better if they could get to a place where they can talk vulnerably about it, but I think that's why it's being hidden. So alas, we have: done in secret; not feeling you can be honest and vulnerable to get needs met; shame that maybe what you're doing is wrong so you hide it, etc, etc. (sound like something else that everyone on this forum is dealing with?)
     
  2. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    I think men value the beauty of what they see? But not always what it took to get there. Men want to look at nice women and objectify them in the splendor of the prettiness... They just don't want to spend it on their wives, they would rather look at someone else.
    Its the whole grass is greener elsewhere thing. Men don't seem to appreciate their spouses, I agree . . While they roll their eyes at the wife for wanting expensive makeup or handbags, it's the same look that lots want or lure that attracts their attention in Hollywood or on the big screen because it's not what they have at home .
    Irony?
    I understand that most women like to have the boost, but I don't think they are alone... Men like spending too. Women just prefer more tangible things. Men like beer. And gas to go places. Or games skins online... A handbag isn't going to just disappear or easily hideable.
    If more people were just honest ... This wouldn't be a problem.
    The base of this whole thing is in marriage less people are being interdependent and are being more and more selfish.
    I have found that most wives are a reflection of their husbands.
    When the husband turns away and no matter how small it is, if he does not turn back in. . That's when the wife will start to misbehave in the marriage as well.
    Similarly .. When the husband starts to recover .. And turns back towards the wife, she turns back toward him again.
     
  3. ItsNeverTooLate

    ItsNeverTooLate Fapstronaut

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    Exactly. My hubby spends more on video games than I have spent on shoes and purses in my lifetime. Though it is stiff competition when compared to what I spend on cat bowls, blankets and beds.:rolleyes:

    But the real point is, we both know about the purchases because we support each other’s hobbies. If someone gets over zealous about theirs, we are honest about that too. Does the favorite cat really need his own set of blankets and bowls (yes plural) when all 3 cats end up sharing anyway? Do we really need God of War if we haven’t completed Red Dead Redemption 1 & 2, Horizon Free Dawn, or Final Fantasy and spend most of the time playing Overwatch, Apex, Beat Saber and iPad games anyway? It is also an opportunity to check our privilege and remind us to be grateful for what we have and give back to those who don’t.

    Agreed. The women I know who hide their purchases have husbands who neglect them emotionally and/or sexually. I don’t buy a purse, or a cat for that matter, every season because I’m not trying to fill a void my spouse isn’t filling.

    I did get a special needs kitten when I found out about my SOs addiction. In part due to my depression from discovering his secret and in part because our first cat that we got as a couple was diagnosed with cancer around that time. I felt I needed a special needs kitten to be dependent on me in case I lost my cat and my husband that year. I probably would have been fine without that kitten but there is definitely no time for depression & feeling sorry for myself when I had a tiny life focused on me for survival.
     
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  4. love, Love, LOVE this!!!
     
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  5. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

  6. mcgrim

    mcgrim Fapstronaut

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    Cats are great companions and you know you've made it in life when you're ignored by your cat. :rolleyes:
     
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  7. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    Had a talk with Rock_Star today.
    Going to be admitted to the hospital this week ...
    Could get word my cancer is back.
    Big stuff.
    Also, could die while under anesthesia during the procedure. ..
    These aren't really my concerns though.. .And I expressed this today.
    My biggest worry is that he will be unfaithful while I'm under.
    Yeah.
    Super fucked right?
    Perspective.
    That's what this does to you ...
    I'm going to be gone in a way that he could possibly get away with something and I may not know ...
    And won't be there for me.
    I'm more concerned with that than dying.
    Even, after all the healing of our relationship and how happy we have been ... This is still my fear .
    It possibly always will be.
    That he will try to take the opportunity when it's there, no matter what it is or what the cost.
    That's fucked up.
    But that's the truth.
     
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  8. I don’t know what to say...
    But it seems wrong to say nothing to such heavy news.
    Hope you both get through this ok.
    Really do.
     
  9. Strength And Light

    Strength And Light Fapstronaut

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    First off, I can speak for this community and say we are all very sorry to hear that you're having this health issue. We love you Kenzi and are forming a Care Bear Stare as I type this.

    Secondly, it seems being cheated on means something enormous to you, and by that I mean bigger than the obvious (possible divorce, disruption of the family arrangement, etc...). I remember when you made the decision to stay and try to work on things, you mentioned that you're old and don't have the time to start over from scratch. Is it possible that your deepest fear is that you are incapable of being in a loving relationship (for reasons great and small)? Are you afraid you won't be able to leave the marriage if he were to cheat? As in, you're afraid that you're too weak and afraid to be on your own? Do you fear that being on your own will be overwhelmingly miserable, that life won't have any value, etc..? I don't ask these exact questions looking for specific answers, I ask them to see if there's maybe a deeper fear, something even more painful than divorce. If you can identify that fear and work toward resolving it, you'll likely find yourself much less distracted by something completely outside of your control, like Rock Star's behavior.

    I doubt I've written any of that right. But I think you'll still get the point. When you find yourself in deep fear over someone else's behavior that's outside of your control, it's not time to work on their behavior, it's time to work on your fear. People can behave in any way they see fit, for any reasons they see fit. You don't have to accept their behavior, but you do have to accept those terms.

    At the risk of being a complete douchewad for saying this, I'll say it anyway. You can't control Rock Star from cheating, whether you're in the hospital or in the same room with him. He has free will and the physical ability to exercise it. My wife can leave for a gallon of milk tonight and never come home. I have to accept that. Keeping her on the phone while she's driving and at the store doesn't control her from leaving, it just gives me the illusion that I'm controlling it....and causes me to freak out in situations when I can't create that illusion.

    Ugh, I don't know how to talk about this and remain sensitive to your feelings. When I write all this stuff out, I'm talking about a condition. We are all separate from any condition(s) we may be experiencing. You are an awesome person, so none of this is any critique of you. It's not even a criticism.

    We will all be thinking good thoughts for you as you learn more about your health. Sorry if I can't shut my yapper when I see you with looming fears about RS. You have way cooler shit to worry about. o_O
     
  10. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    The control is not something that I fear... I guess I fear not being worth it?
    Like why was I the only one who made this precious family and thought it was what it was?
    Weren't - wasn't he there? Didn't he help with the construction? Why did he say he was going to love and teach me to love when his only intention was to abandon his creations? These fears,, in the darkness still hold and stand. I do feel old, my stories fill me up... And I have lived a long life (I tell my teenagers) am I old? I think my biggest problem is I was always too old for Rock Star (I am older than him) and it doesn't matter if people think I am younger than he is... The fact is, 24 is about his mark...and I am nowhere near 24. It only takes a breath of my life to worry "this is it" and everything comes back.
    Rock_Star is being very present and dispite our recent fights over the past few months about being supportive... He is being supportive over THIS.
    To note, for all of the parts of our lives which were tainted - by his affair or by porn, my health problems were something often called into question yet always comes out clean.
    Through cancer and surgeries and even the kids big hospital stuff.. .it was always more of the minor things, like daily parenting where he struggled with his balance of stress. It's me, here, who can't help but ask because I just wonder where the tipping points are.
    Which is why I wrote it down.
    Things shift over time and I do wonder "what if" like a gnawing, and I'd rather just talk to him about it than panic blindly... So I did.
    And he's been very understanding.
    I don't think you wrote anything douchwadey. It's all around a weird subject .
    Thanks tho
     
  11. Strength And Light

    Strength And Light Fapstronaut

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    Thinking of you Kenzi. Hope everything is ok with your health. :emoji_pray::emoji_pray::emoji_pray:
     
  12. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    Thank you
     
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  13. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    I have actually been very sick...
    I hate being sick.
    It sucks.
    I lost my voice ..
    We are doing a bunch of stuff for the house and my brother got ran into a ditch.
    He's ok.
    Its just been way too eventful for me not to be at full strength lately..
    Im getting excited tho and very picky about everything ...
    My stepson is coming home soon and there is much to be done!
    I'm sure I'm being a bitch to everyone... (cuz I'm cranky and nobody can understand me with no voice
    I've been trying**to get stuff done ..
    Buying him pants and posters and all sorts of things we couldn't pack Cuz he was outgrowing.
    Nesting.
    Like moms do.
    Today I am going to rest tho... I'm almost all better, finally and tomorrow I am back to work.
    I think later (if my body allows) I'll clean up the kitchen.
    Its just trying to get everything on track.
    Touching base and making sure to read all my messages....
    So many messages.
    I've got to get caught up!
    Wish me luck!
    (todays goals!) :)
     
    Last edited: Apr 4, 2019
  14. Hope you feel better and get to 100% healthy soon!
     
  15. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

  16. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

  17. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

  18. Trappist

    Trappist Fapstronaut

    Even scarymommy moves right into the next article subtly I’m going to stop using periods so you don’t stop reading great article though
     
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  19. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

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