Journey to the Unknown (pt 2)....Married & Alone

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by Kenzi, Nov 4, 2018.

  1. Strength And Light

    Strength And Light Fapstronaut

    Thursday strikes again. :eek:
    I'm a tard and had to google "Yuletide" because I didn't know it's a thing slightly deviated from Christmas. And I actually thought it was Yule Tide. I don't know what I thought actually. Like I said, I'm a tard.
  2. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    My phone wrote it that way and since I write quickly, I don't always catch the "smart phone-Ness" of the autocorrect...
    Buuuuutttt, funny thing, actually... I am making a Duck tonight for the Big Feast and wrote Duck and my phone "Knows" I use "fuck" in my vocabulary alot (not so much on NoFap, obviously) and autocorrected That.... So it was a hoot & a half earlier! :)
  3. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    In recovery & healing BT news-

    Today my homework is on a new relationship currency exchange rate.... RS was Mexico and I was the US and that wasn't working so we have to be Europe with the Euro or something.
    We need all sorts of new ways to speak and exchange what we want and need from each other...
    I hope this goes well later.

    In home news-
    Merry Christmas!
    The car broke this morning.
    Killjoy. :mad::mad:

    In kid news -
  4. anewhope

    anewhope Fapstronaut

    Difficult to stop my mind from picturing a wall between you when I read that.
    Merry Christmas Kenzi, and may 2019 bring you the true happiness you deserve.

    Kenzi likes this.
  5. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    Lol, Merry Christmas New Hope :)
  6. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    I have been not journaling, because I have been reading and doing so much homework.
    I paused to write a few threads and help some friends... But mostly avoided journal because it requires thought.
    I'm still working on the love currency exchange thing.
    Then, because of Christmas... And my sponsor celebrating the holiday, which is no problem for me... We changed how we are doing our plan this week so I don't miss anything.
    It's just been alot of work.
    Trying to get a a two day workshop done, on top of another two days of stuff figured out... On top of the reading that goes with one of the things...
    So I took a break from the writing parts.
    Something had to give.
    I also had Rock_Stars homework to help and do with him.
    Anyways, I hope everyone is having a good weekend.
  7. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut


    In recovery news -
    Quiet and peace on the home front?

    In healing BT -
    "verbal reality"
    If a addict says it, it's true, regardless of the facts.... Interesting...

    Why journaling for the spouse is important...

    In kid news -
    I wake up every morning in black veil fear that my child is dead in the next room because I can't hear her on the monitor.
    It's.... Disturbing, to say the least.
    Rock_Star is being sort of great and making sure to check on her because....
    I just can't.
    I can't handle it if it's bad.
    I physically can't move of my fear when I wake up in the morning.
    He's handling this so great, after the last disagreement, of course.
    It's not a fear anyone should have, in my opinion...

    In movie news -
    Bird Box is a tribute to step-dads everywhere!
    It has suicide warnings and sexual graphic content (only two scenes) but it was completely relevant to the story, IMO and didn't last longer than necessary.
    It was great.
    If I had* to discribe it in one word, I'd chose "intense"
    Pee before you start the film and grab tissues and never ending snacks like popcorn!

    (DON'T watch it alone)
    VERY graphic! ***
    I am not a generally depressed person and I love horror movies *** this is definitely ***Triggers for possibly ANYONE!!
    Last edited: Dec 26, 2018
  8. Strength And Light

    Strength And Light Fapstronaut

    Ugh, I'm so sorry for this Kenzi. I cannot fathom I can only guess what that fear is like, and my heart goes out to you in every way. I think what you mean with the quote is that this is a direly painful position to be in and you wouldn't wish it on anyone. Just want to be sure you don't mean that YOU shouldn't have such a paralyzing fear at this time, because your horror is justified 1000%. Any loving parent would be filled with a similar unbearable ick. I'm sorry that you are that parent right now and I hope things unfold in ways that ease your burdens and bring peace to you and your family.
    Kenzi likes this.
  9. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    I have been trying to rest...
    A bit under the weather,
    Today I tired and I am frustrated...
    I am trying to be better than I am.
    I am a bit avoidant... But I still have stuff to do
    I schedule my meetings and stress about a phone call today... I missed my sponsor call, but I try to communicate good with Rock_Star.
    A storm is powerful overhead and we had no power yesterday.
    Maybe, it's just tired from over extended with it all.... Idk.
  10. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut


    I don't think Rock Star knows the word "unsatisfying" as I know the word.
    I don't think he understands it the same way I do.
    Knows what it's like to settle in for sex and have intrusive thoughts that your partner would rather have anyone and anything and any other way but the person you are with, than the way it is right now (with me).
    Because... I'm unsatisfying.
    Looks, smells, tastes, touches...
    All... The... Time.
    He Must need the novelty now... Right?
    That's why he had the porn... And the girlfriend, right?
    I'm no longer good anymore?
    It Must be.
    It shouldnt matter... But it does.
    I could be a acrobat...
    Or I could bring this or that...
    I could wear this... Or nothing at all...
    It's not satisfying.
    Why would it be?
    Why would it be good?
    Why would it be enough?
    If it was.... If it was fulfilling....
    Id know, right?
    It's alot of pressure.
    It's defeating and consuming.
    Some days....
    I just don't want to think about it.
  11. TooMuchTooSoon

    TooMuchTooSoon Fapstronaut

    Just catching up on everything and I am so so sorry to hear the universe has decided to turn you into a punching bag. It’s not fair and you don’t deserve it. Horrible things happen every day, everywhere but dammit, you’ve earned a really good stretch of good luck. Any time now, universe.

    Hugs, copious amounts of them, headed your way.
  12. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    Thank you.... I'd say "hopefully Next year.." but I feel like I am putting too much on that at this point.
    Hugs! *
    anewhope and TooMuchTooSoon like this.
  13. TooMuchTooSoon

    TooMuchTooSoon Fapstronaut

  14. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    I haven't felt very well the past few days...
    On top of a pipe burst in my house and my kids being sick. .
    Its just made me withdraw a bit.
    My New Years Resolution is to finish all the Married & Alone stuff on course, however... Because I think it's helped not only with our relationship & my BT, but our family stuff too. So ... Going to try to get back to that now

    In recovery news -
    Talked about religion alot the last couple of days..the difference between being spiritual and belief in "god " or "gods" or a higher power or being enlightened.
    They are all separate and you can have overlap. As a atheist it's ok to be in harmony without a belief in god.
    This is where Rock_Star felt the lesson got hard.
    It wasn't that difficult to explain really but I understand why he was confused.

    In healing BT -
    My lesson yesterday was on free will.
    I had a very enjoyable conversation with my sponsor about the difference between destiny,, fate and free will.
    Its definitely alot to think about.
    I'm going to mull on it awhile .. If anyone has any other thoughts on this, I'm still open to hearing..

    In kid news -
    My daughter has started to decline.
    She will be laughing and start choking and gasping for air.
    Yesterday by sheer luck Rock_Star and my brother were both home early and jumped over the couch and helped me save her.
    It took three people... Just... Moments..

    In dinner news-
    I'm making a Creole Butter Roasted Chicken tonight for dinner.

    Happy New Years Eve to y'all!!
  15. HonestyMatters

    HonestyMatters Fapstronaut

    I've been pretty quiet on NF of late but I just wanted to say I can't imagine how unbearable your fear and pain must be. Words can't even express how sorry I am you and your family are going through this. You are in my thoughts. Sending you much love, strength and support. I'm always here to listen if you need it, only a pm away. And thank you so much for all your support and guidance given everything you are going through yourself, you are truly amazing!!

    On another note, I watched this with my daughter the other night as well. It was a great movie. My daughter tells me that A Quiet Place is similar and that Bird Box has kind of copied their story line....I haven't seen it or looked it up yet, but was going to. She reckoned A Quiet Place was even better....but yeah I'm not sure until I watch it.... :)
    ItsNeverTooLate, Trappist and Kenzi like this.
  16. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    Happy New Year! :)
    Trappist likes this.
  17. HonestyMatters

    HonestyMatters Fapstronaut

    You too!! "Here's to forging new & better paths" Xxx
    Trappist and Kenzi like this.
  18. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    I'm.... Around ....

    But, I can't really focus, cuz hospital stuff.

    So.. ... My brain is literally feeling like it's exploding with what is going on with my kid drama.
    I swear ... It's something new and bizarre, every time.
  19. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    Yesterday was a very triggering day for me...
    After what started out as a beautiful day .. Stressful .. I was being appreciated ..
    I was feeling loved....
    Then... Crash.
    I came up with this.. .
    A text between me and Rock Star

    A good analogy
    (in reference to the pain speel last night) "When we are doing good and you look at other women, you take whatever scab that's there and scratch at it.... Whatever progress is there... You have now picked at it. And whether you succeed in breaking skin (full ogling or worse) you have made the scab itchy and I'm now aware of it, in its entirety. And it has to stop itching again before I stop reacting, because like any scab, it makes the person crazy knowing it's there again "

    Because even IF I, me myself and I, don't touch it.... I'm crazy being made aware again that this hole of healing is occurring on me.
    That... Can be a emotional roller-coaster.
    Have you ever tried to Not pick a itchy scab? Or scratch it? It's... Tough.
    You tap it. You distract yourself.
    You bandaid it.
    Superglue it.
    But.... You still look at it 50x because you were just made aware ... Again... It's there. It's like you constantly check on it until you go to bed that night and forget about it. It's annoying.
    This is ogling and porn addiction is so retraumatizing.
    All you PAs are do is making us aware of the scabs.
    Which is rough!!!
    We get it!!!
    Stop rubbing it in our faces!
  20. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    New Years Resolution -

    Be sexually comfortable again

    I think that's it.

    I'd like to be sexually comfortable again
    With Rock_Star.
    Im sick of being so insecure and all the intrusive thoughts.
    I'm sick of hating my body.
    I'm sick of all the worry and comparing..
    Im tired of making myself sick with working and worrying about what he's thinking about and if I'm good enough.
    I think I'm just going to worry if I like it, regardless of if he does.
    He can handle this year ..
    Or not.
    I'm going to Get Me.
    Make up with Myself.
    Love Me.
    Remember Who I Am this year.

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