Journey to the Unknown

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by Kenzi, Mar 26, 2018.

  1. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    How do you recover from a affair?

    I really don't know....
    But I'm going to try.
    From a 2 years long staggered disclosure..
    When I thought we had completed transparency and honesty and we were moving forward in his reboot and he was being sober....
    Then, now this.

    If anyone has anything to be critical to say to how I handle this, and they haven't been in the same situation, I think you can leave it to yourself.
    It's my journal.
    I am going to write what I want.
    I don't tear others journals apart...
    Don't bring bullshit here to me.
    I may sound crass right now, but everything is very fresh and raw.

    I really just want to be able to process and understand everything that happened.
    I don't know if I can do that without writing some of it down.

    I am going to attempt to get some of my morning thoughts together and possibly write a first entry today I think.

    I haven't really eaten or slept since Wednesday night.
    I feel really hostel and fragile all at the same time.

    I just want to find some peace.
    I just don't know if it's obtainable.
  2. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut


    30 days after we said "I Do"

    He started his affair.
    It raged HOT for a week.
    Over the kids Christmas break.

    She looks JUST like Me.

    Last night we talked about it.

    He said he had a genuine attraction.
    He really liked her.


    But like a crush.... He used her up.
    When the flame burned itself out, he left.

    I asked... Why did we get married if he didn't love me?
    He said I was a good friend.

    *he liked my company
    *I kept the house running well
    *which was comfortable and good

    I said that's not fair!
    How... How could he trap me like that?
    He apologized for being selfish.
    THIS was genuine.
    He's had a couple of days to think about it.
    I REALLY wanted to know Why.
    I wanted to know if he loved me.
    He said he did.
    I said addicts Can't love.
    He said he fell in love during his sobriety.
    -so only for a year or two of the last decade!
    He knew he loved me when I went to leave him and gave him his last chance.

    (for the record.... I left This time)

    But he says he loves me now.
    I said a addict only loves his addiction... And the man I loved was a projection.
    A false shadow, I never knew NonAddict Rock_Star... And when he was sober, he was still overly into himself and his sobriety and not our relationship.
    How can he say he loves me?
    He swears he does.
    I said I'm done begging for him to Do the Lists he wrote - the relationship ones - and to stay on track (because of the Thursday thing - - he was just starting to address in therapy when This came to light)
    I said porn/PA /SA always wins.
    I am never the first.
    It won when we redid everything/Honeymoon /wedding ...
    He even reproposed!
    (he is now saying he reproposed because he fell in love, not just because he wanted a redo - I am also upset This is unclear)
    And I feel like I am never enough for him.
    He never puts me ahead of his addiction or "needs"
    I never feel like I am His Desire.
    It's always his addiction in backseat.
    (And he keeps looking back.)
    And I can't compete with 1,000 vaginas or 2,000 boobs on slideshow everytime we have sex!

    I don't know where to go from here.
    I am not in charge of healing this.

    I don't know if I want to heal it.
    We are separated until further notice.
    I will....

    Give it time....

    Because we have things to sort and it's too emotional to be clear headed.

    I am seeing if he actually does the work.
    Wants it to work.
    Wants to start a fresh relationship.
    I am seeing who he really is.
    I honestly don't know.
    I don't feel like I have gotten a chance to know sober him and I have no idea if we are going to be compatible.

    I am very tired.
    I feel trapped.
    I feel heartbroken.
    I feel dehydrated.
    I want to throw up.
  3. TryingToHeal

    TryingToHeal Fapstronaut

    I can "hear" the pain in what you wrote. I'm so very sorry you are in this spot, especially with all you've been through the past two years.
  4. Ongoingsupport

    Ongoingsupport Fapstronaut

    I wish we could support you practically in this time with meals or something, but as it is we would have to be as understanding as possible through these little posts. Please know that there are people that does meet you in the unknown as much as possible through these journals, it's of course important to be witnessed and heard even if it is through words.
  5. Jennica

    Jennica Fapstronaut

    I understand this dark road well, self care is going to huge for you and having a couple of close trusted friends to lean on will be so important to have. Affair recovery for me was so much harder for a few different reasons, the anger is raw and the feeling of all the emotional nerves being exposed is beyond overwhelming with the roller coaster. You are strong even though you may not feel like you are. If you ever need anything we are here.
  6. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    @Strength And Light said Let's say you buy a new blue Honda Accord. You will then start to notice blue Honda Accords everywhere. You'll see them on the freeway, in the grocery parking lot, pulling up next to you at the traffic light, etc... It will seem like everyone is driving blue Honda Accords. You could say you've become hyper-aware of blue Honda Accords.

    Before you bought the blue Accord, you didn't notice them at all. They occupied no real estate in your brain.

    When you are active in PMO, you will notice women's body parts everywhere. You'll see your coworker's ass, the cashier's tits, that bank teller's lips, that jogger with the long legs kinda looks like Sally Pornstar, etc.... Active PMO puts you in a hyper-awareness of women (or men if that's your thing) and their body parts.

    When you break the cycle and are no longer active in PMO, this hyper-awareness fades. Yes, of course you will notice an unusually attractive person here or there, but your awareness is no longer hyper-vigilant upon body parts.

    Since you can occupy only one awareness at any time, when you are an active PMOer and in this hyper-aware state of women and body parts, it becomes very easy to believe that this is how everyone's perception is. After all, your perception is hyper-aware of women and body parts and you're just a normal average Joe, so of course every other average Joe is just like you. Well, this is only true if every average Joe is addicted to PMO. The average Joe who isn't spending hours a day in front of a screen taking in video images of women and body parts is not walking around all day in a state of hyper-awareness of these specific things. But you can't see the forest from the trees, so you project your own awareness-style on the rest of the population. You have decided that everyone is walking around ogling tits and ass.

    Break the cycle. Live addiction free. Step out of the forest and look back at the trees. You might be surprised that what you thought of the world isn't true.

    ~Best thing I ever read on ogling
  7. So true. I used to notice bodies so much more.
    Going without P is a detox. Lets you think straight for once.
  8. vxlccm

    vxlccm Fapstronaut

    Your willingness to try is EXTREMELY admirable. Even if it ends up being temporary. I've watched family members live through actual affairs, others try to live through it and fail. I think no less of one than the other. Because it's just that important that we do be faithful to our spouse. The unfaithful one deserves no promise. Yet, how awesome are you for being willing to try?!
  9. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    I'm going to say this very plain.

    I found porn.
    I found a cam girl.
    I found escorts seeking.
    I found a affair.
    These are all SEPARATE things.
    This is Not a complete list.

    Its here I am NOW.
    I had a "full" disclosure.
    It was really a 2 years long staggered disclosure.

    I am tired.
    But thanks for calling me awesome.
    Last edited: Mar 26, 2018
  10. TryingToHeal

    TryingToHeal Fapstronaut

    This is what I fear so so so much. I'm so sorry you're going through this. It's one of my worst fears. To stick this out and work so hard and then be blindsided with.... more. And years down the line.

    So it still wasn't disclosed, you found it on your own? That makes it even harder. I know you probably already know this, but you are so strong to try to work through this.
  11. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    No. Not disclosed.
    I'd say my first discovery...
    Lead me to about Half a disclosure.
    And my next discovery got me a good nother quarter.
    He (*hopefully) just gave me the last quarter.
  12. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    THIS is constantly on my mind... with every promise, I fell for it; made a family, gave myself without realizing - he wasn't changing, all I was doing was giving myself more reasons to stay: 1 kid, 2nd kid, debt, shared property...etc. I wasn't given a CHOICE, I didn't KNOW about all of it. First big DDay was 10 years prior to the next one. All along, I thought everything was "good." That is of course until it wasn't and then the full disclosure came...

    I was officially done this past Jan, I told him that and put away my rings. All of a sudden, he finally decides to put in some work to change.

    Same, never did and honestly, I don't think I will ever really believe - in my heart of hearts, that I am.

    The painful truth.

    My full disclosure came on March 5th. My heart was shattered at the level of betrayal. Cheating makes Porn look like daisies. I am so sorry you are going through this. I asked for the truth, he gave it to me, although he said he really considered just never telling me. There was no way I would have ever found out on my own. I told him, I'm glad he told me; not for what he did, but for his honesty. I said; had he told me in a few months or years, that would pretty much make his whole recovery null and void to me. Holding out on telling me ALL of the truth, when you are claiming to be honest, would negate that fact altogether, which means you've never really changed.

    My heart hurts for you. My heart hurts for all of us. WHY are we in this horrible situation? all I can ever think is "why?!" "why me?!" "what did I do to deserve this?!"

    This is your journal, vent and post anything that you wish. Don't let other people try and interrupt your pain or feelings. This is about YOU, no one else.

    If you need an ear, feel free to message me.

    Sending love your way.

  13. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut


    Today is the first time I've thought of Ming in a.... I don't know how long.

    I have absolutely no drive.
    I have absolutely no desire.
    I am.... Blob.

    I want to feel.... Something.
    It's super pathetic.
    It's downright painful.

    I took a cold shower
    Like....really cold.
    I let the water burn me.
    It.... Helped a little.

    I started the workshop for tonight and I thought about the workshops he's asked to do as part of our "relationship recovery reboot plan"

    He's usually so fidgeting and looking everywhere.
    It's sort of annoying, how antsy Rock_Star is.
    He always says "I have ADHD or ADD" or whatever as a explanation.
    But he's been sitting so still and calm and making eye contact and facing me and talking evenly....
    I don't think it's ADD...
    I think he's had SHAME!

    I think we may have reached the bottom, but at the same time...
    I can't have faith in this because I thought that The Last Time Too.

    I want to feel things.
    I'm not sure this level of pain is a feeling.
    I think it's more of a survival primal animal overhaul of the brain.
    I am.... Just not really functioning on any other level.
    I am pretty sure I am talking in circles most of the time...
    I can smile... I can laugh... But I think it's so I'm not constantly puking and passing out from all the negative effects I'm experiencing that have recently impacted me like a train wreck to my soul.

    I think this is insanity.
    I think this is reality.
    I think my world is somewhere buried in the woods.
    It's probably what everyone else thinks the upside down is.
    How do you ever find home?
  14. Jennica

    Jennica Fapstronaut

    I know for me it was so emotionally overwhelming that it causes a shut down. It’s the close off, it’s the flight mode but be careful this doesn’t become the normal when it shouldn’t be. You can use this period of shock and grieving to help process, it’s wise not to make drastic decisions during the first few phases as well. It truly helps to go through the motions for your personal processing. When this part faded and the unleashing of the emotional roller coaster hit. That was pure madness for me and lasted a few months. This is where the the much needed self care and support came in. The “Why” that’s cant be answered is the hardest, that left me wanting to run hard and fast. Instead I read books, scanning the internet for information. I had a few friends to call in a pinch for help like when I was a total mess getting STD tested.I called my mom and had many lunches with her. I joined a gym, started a sewing class and worked on some art projects.
  15. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    The STD test... Yes.
    I've thought about it... We both have had them.
    Right before Dday #1 two years ago.... Like two weeks before...
    The affair was over by a few months by then...
    And a week after it ended PIED started... Do I feel like I need to redo them?
    Not at this time.
    And I have given it ALOT of thought.
    All day.
    Just to be sure nothing else might be missed.
    Thank you @Jennica for the refreshing things I might have missed.
    I am thinking and talking in loops currently...
    I appreciate it very much.
    I think right now it's unnecessary, but I am posting this as I am saying out loud the time line and reserve the right to change my mind and that is how I feel currently, today...
    But I am also still sort of in shock.
  16. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    I have.... No patience.
    I am so quickly speaking my mind....
    I'm not even sure I'm hearing my voice.
    I almost feel like I am going in circles...
    I just have no middle anymore.

    I find myself in a banshee level of pitch rage.... Out of nowhere.
    When things used to annoy me?
    Now they make me make this sound, before I can even process that it's happening.
    I am... So mad.

    At everything.

    I am not sleeping.

    I am sure this exasperated my perception of the world.
    I am easy to get stopped with what I am trying to say....
    Because even talking is difficult.
    I am not functional.
    If I am not moving...
    I am not sure what I am doing.
    I am not sure I am a person.

    I literally have done all of these motions..
    Read all this information...
    Have been here before...
    Why this fuckin bitch have to hurt this much?
    Why do I have to be doing this all again?
    I'm completely wasted.
    I have just wasted so much time.
    It's not fuckin fair.
    Life isn't fair.
    .... You would think at least at some point it would get good, right?
    Maybe better?
    Fuck it.
  17. Hey Kenzi. I feel your pain, even though I can't imagine how tough it must be to have spent so long with someone with this problem. I thought 3 years made me a hero!

    Thank you for your contributions, too. I get so much out of your honesty even when it's heartbreaking. I don't think I'm alone when I say you matter on this forum. To give your experience, strength & hope to other SOs. Even during the really dark times.

    Sending love, light & peace X
  18. I’m sorry you have to deal with this.
    You’ve given so much on this anonymous forum.
    I’m sure you do even more at home.
    Please take care of yourself.
  19. Maybe it's all gonna turn out all right
    And I know that it's not, but I have to believe that it is - Julien Baker
    hope4healing and Kenzi like this.
  20. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    I am so tired.
    I really tried to sleep last night...
    I really did.
    I am going to give a day or so more before melatonin, I think.
    I cant be a total zombie when I handle tools this weekend...

    So me and Rock Star did the workshop last night and it was really upsetting.
    My anger tends to burst forth like a banshee scream...
    Just almost every other breath...
    We did the Problems Workshop
    So I wrote what I think our problems habe been *currently in the relationship, and he writes what he thinks the problems have been... (the full discription is listed in my signature under Rock_Stars Lists)

    The problem with the Problems Workshop is... He has been happy.
    I have Not been happy.
    So he wrote 4 things... And I wrote two pages.
    Well... Now, tonight we do the Solution Workshop.
    This is where we Trade lists and he has to solve only MY Problem List and I solve what he gave me.

    I am irritated already.

    Last night we also went over the boundaries of In House Separation.
    We Are Getting To Know Each Other!

    I am not sure I like you yet!

    This has completely shattered my whole perception.
    I am not sure we are compatible...
    Or if when this is over, we will be together...
    Right now, I am with a stranger who is in this house with me.
    Who ignored me.
    Who pained me.
    I have no idea why I am giving this a chance....
    I loved a shadow who looked like him.
    A beautiful shadow....
    When he smiles, I think I see the man I loved, but he never existed.
    Even that smile looks like a lie.
    I have no idea if I will be liking him for anything other than he looks like someone I once thought was pretty.
    Horrible, but that's my truth.
    He may think he's goofy looking, but I've always found him attractive and I guess that's a start.
    You have to have a start.
    If I didn't...
    We wouldn't have all these kids.
    I mean... We didn't get 5 kids from sitting across the room and waving "you Whoo!" at each other....
    Maybe that is the very beginning of Not nothing.
    Or maybe it's not?
    Because it'll never be like it was.

    He finally understood the tearing it all down and starting over....
    And I almost feel like it's 2 years too late..
    Because what have we been trying to accomplish?
    Has he not listened to anything I've been saying?
    I guess not.

    **And even though we discussed it (and he Very clearly - for which I'm grateful - said this maybe subject to change because he isn't done thinking about it)**

    **Answered WHY he allowed himself to be so attracted to someone else when in a relationship with me. ***
    He said it goes back to a pattern he learned from his father. He watched his dad growing up have side pieces and hit on women and while married to his mom, they were just a normal thing. The flirting and never being sated. He thought because his dad did it, it was normal.
    And if he had more women and better, younger, hotter women, he would be more of a man.
    Which is something he's always been made to feel less of. By both of his parents, separated and together.
    His ex wife didn't do anything for masculinity either.
    It just engrained
    But looking back he said that it's not all "hot women" it's alot of novelty.
    (I'm not sure I believe That part)
    But the parents stuff, I do.

    Anyways... So that was all very draining and I've been trying to process it.

    I'm glad he's actually thinking about it.

    He doesn't seem to be ignoring things finally.
    I don't think I'm receptive anymore though.

    I don't know if I want to waste anymore time on this.

    I've given too much of my energy to healing from other women and not being good enough for a man.

    That's really all I want.

    Is to be the only one, not competing for his attention, not having him comprise, not having him settle for me.... Actually choosing me and liking it.
    Wanting it.
    Wanting me.

    I don't even know if that is the person I married anymore.

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