Journey to the Unknown

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by Kenzi, Mar 26, 2018.

  1. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    Today... Is a difficult day.
    Women who have no self respect... Just.. I can't even.
    If you wear a short skirt and lacy see through red underwear, do not bend over to the point where your head is at your knees... At a library.
    With children present.
    I should Not have to explain to My children Why your vagina is out.
    Thank you.

    Me and Rock Star are doing a Gottman workshop...
    Glad we are getting back to basics.
    Will... See how this goes.
    Ill add it to The Lists when we are done.
  2. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    Best thing I've heard all week -

    “Listen. Just listen. You don’t have to agree. Just see if you can understand that there’s another person who has a completely different experience of the same reality.”
  3. Exactly, some people need to get some class.
  4. ItsNeverTooLate

    ItsNeverTooLate Fapstronaut

  5. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    We started the workshop yesterday and it wasn't going exactly great from his side.
    Yawning and finally I told him that when he starts something and then "quits" I don't feel like I am important.
    However this conversation continued and we were able to talk about his girlfriend and why I don't feel like I am loved.
    I feel like I will never compare and he will never be as protective of me or defend me the same or be as poetically discriptive.
    He loved her.
    He like... Really loved her.
    I remember when he first was free to talk about her and.... I felt my heart shatter.
    I never knew that the heart had such a sound.
    Yesterday he was able to actually make it through a conversation, with eye contact and listen to me talk about how much he hurt me.
    And where it hurt and how I'm feeling like I will never measure up to this invisible line he held up for me that says I need to surpass this to be Enough.
    I live with that pain Every Single Day.
    It Haunts me.
    But he listened.
    He heard me.
    Rock_Star hugged me when it was over.
    I still couldn't sleep last night.
  6. Queen_Of_Hearts_13

    Queen_Of_Hearts_13 Fapstronaut

    Yes, that is something that I have to explain to Jak, I told him if he isn't fully here then please let's try to do whatever we are doing at another time. I don't want to start and have him mentally check out and quit in the middle of me reading a sentence...

    That is huge progress! I know this is painful, but this is a step forward and I hope he can continue taking steps forward to help you heal and feel loved. You deserve to feel loved and desired, you really do.
  7. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    I still couldn't sleep. Which was good..
    As I was fighting to close my eyes and turn into the land of my nightmares, my phone rang.
    It was my littlest sister.
    In Marriage Crisis.
    She was panicked and hyperventilating.. "I think I don't love my husband"
    She's 21.
    What is the problem? - I ask
    And she unpacked everything.

    Understandably... If you are being constantly ignored by your spouse... You will feel detachment.
    I told her she's Normal. She's so sweet.

    Conversation text-
    Love isn't constant?
    But I sort of hate my husband?
    That's normal.
    It'll wax and wane. Give it time.
    What if I'm falling out of love?
    Love is a choice.
    Not necessarily the falling in love bit, but the everyday after.
    You Chose to marry Him right?
    He's not a abuser.. He's a good dad?
    Yes. Yes.
    So Hes still a nice guy right? Just severely avoidant?
    Yes, basically.
    Time to grow up and set a boundary and work on the marriage.
    You can't just leave.
    It's not a breakup with a boyfriend.
    You have to give him a chance.
    You have to give him a choice.
    Do I?
    What do you want?
    And everything she requested was perfectly reasonable. It's reasonable to ask for respect during dinner and to share TV time. To want to have simple conversations about sex and child rearing. I can see why she feels so alienated.

    I truly hope I helped her make a reasonable request of him.
    She's so nervous.
    It's difficult to grow up.
    It's hard to know where to go or how to start.

    It makes me realize that as much as I am talking with my parents now and my kids about these important issues... I have missed some very important people to me.

    I'm so glad she reached out.
    I'm so glad she felt she could!
  8. And I'm glad to hear you could help someone today.
    hope4healing likes this.
  9. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    Another big talk last night after Rock_Star came home....
    3 hours late.
    90 minutes after he was supposed to be home, I texted him.
    I used to not care.
    Now I know back then, he was with his girlfriend.. When he was late or away on trips.
    He's supposed to let me know now.
    But we talked about it when he came home.
    Always Always text.
    I'm not going to blindly trust the lies.
    He asked me how long I'm going to question it... I said at least as long as he lied to me about it.
    He lied to me for 3 years about her... Should I quit questioning him before that?
    Is that fair?
    Has he told a larger lie?
    He said "in his whole life, nothing was bigger than his infidelity."
    And he understood why I was questioning and he was glad it wasn't going to just Go on and On forever
    Not forever... Til I know the "lie is out"
    I honestly can't think of any better reasoning than that.
    I am impossibly being measured every day... To which I don't stack up.... And I feel completely crazy living with a liar who says he loves me.... But doesn't show it... In ways I don't believe my journal is privy to anymore because who knows who will tear it apart.
    I just feel like I have no place.

    I wrote him a letter.
    I'm sick of saying the same things in our "big talks"
    He likes print.
    Maybe he will get it in his head.

    I can feel myself checking out of the relationship.
    It just hurts.
    I should not have to fight WITH my husband FOR my husband.
    He's MY husband.
    Except.... That's just a word.
    I don't know if it ever meant to him what it means to me.
    Last edited: Sep 20, 2018
  10. Yea it’s a scary feeling.
    So hard to hold on to something you feel should be moving TOWARDS you but feels like it wants to move away
  11. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    I think the biggest thing for me is here...
    I was Mad he was late... But I wasn't crazy... We didn't fight.
    I just don't care to fight anymore.
    I don't measure up.
    I know it... He told me 6 months ago and I just am deflated about it now.
    All my feelings kinda Flash and float away.
    Deleted Account likes this.
  12. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    it hasn't ruined my day. I've read it a couple times cause I really want to try and understand how you feel. I'm going to read it again when I get a chance


    First Response to my letter

    I've never seen him not outrightly first react negative before calming and coming to a middle ground where half of what needs to be addressed gets lost along the way in his anger and haste with me trying to pull everything back.
    Honestly, half the time? It's like trying to put water back in a bottle as it's spilling.
    You only get Some.
    If this helps him...
    I will do the letter thing again when we need to talk big.
    Maybe our marriage can make actual steps forward.
    I wonder if he will Finally hear me?
    For the first time in 6 months...
    I wonder if I am Heard.
    *I am hoping for progress forward in our marriage.
  13. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    We had a looonnng talk.
    Rock Star said great amazing wonderful things.
    It meant absolutely dog shit.
    I told him so.
    I told him without actions, lots and lots of actions backing up his pretty words ...
    It was nothing.
    I'm glad he felt so much empathy.
    I'm glad he thinks he understood my feelings.
    That's truly more than I ever hoped for!
    We tried to problem solve.
    How to stop pushing and pulling some of the issues...
    These are my needs, these are ways he ignores them... This is the pattern..
    How do we break these bad habits?
    Then, apply.
    Hopefully, he will stay consistent.
    I will stay "checked in"
    As long as he's trying... I'm staying.

    He also (freely volunteered) admitted that he was unneededly unsatisfied with everything in his life in the past and didn't appreciate everything, acting spoiled all the time and was constantly unhappy for no reason. Finding little ways to compare me to every person, even on the streets. Which is crushing.... In and of itself.
    How can I not be paranoid when he says something like this...?
    Rock_Star apologized and says he doesn't remember specifics but he knows he did it, so he definitely understands alot of my upset when it comes to triggers.. Even though alot of the time he has been unsympathetic in the past and even angry.

    Moving forward...
    Is it worth it?
    Will I ever measure up to being enough?
  14. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    Was going to create a thread.
    But I don't think I'm going to do that anymore... No point in starting things when I'm on my way out.

    This is called (& its more of a RANT)

    "I'm a addict" is NOT a excuse

    You still made those choices.
    Regardless of your addiction.
    You can't use that as a excuse.
    Just because the addiction in your brain was influencal, doesn't mean it's a excuse and gives you a "catch all" for your behavior.
    You still made the decisions.
    You still have to accept the consequences.
    These were still your actions.
    You still did it.
    You still, based on each situation, chose to do as you felt best /thought best based on what was in front of you at the time.
    Even in selfishness... Even now.
    Knowing that you are a addict... Is NOT a excuse to relapse, to slip, to be complacent in recovery.
    Even though all of these things are easy... And making mistakes is human.
    But - Refusing to acknowledge your mistakes or seek help is in your control, all the time.
    You have the total and complete ability to learn and grow as it applies to how your situations- rules and boundaries, rules and behaviors, resets and relapses should be treated as.
    You know in full consciousness that you are making This decision and you are surrendering.
    It's P on a screen.
    It's your hand... Down your pants.
    These things don't "magically appear there".
    You "let yourself go"
    It doesn't just "take over anymore"
    As soon as you recognize You are a addict....
    Everything after becomes a conscious decision.
    A choice.
    Believe it or not, everything before that was a choice too.
    And you still have to live with the consequences.

    ----from, a recovering drug addict
    (in case you thought I was just another SO who knew nothing about addiction)
  15. Queen_Of_Hearts_13

    Queen_Of_Hearts_13 Fapstronaut

    Fucking brilliant! Love this!
  16. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

    Clap . Clap .clap !!
    Addiction is all around me in all different ways . But most all of them I can SEE /SMELL ! This ones DIFFERENT. Absolutely believe choices CAN be made even when the addiction is STRONG . Even if it’s just a choice to open up , as hard as it can be . That’s what makes being a spouse of any addiction crushing . We as spouses feel like we can’t be trusted to be told secrets and truths . Because you had an addiction you can look at things from a different standpoint than I . And unfortunately most SO know more about this addiction than the PA .
  17. Thank you.
  18. Strength And Light

    Strength And Light Fapstronaut

    Boom! (microphone drop)
    Kenzi likes this.
  19. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    .... Maybe I *should have made it into a thread :p
  20. I think this is why my wife hates the words addict and trigger. She feels like it’s not taking responsibility because it’s an excuse
    Kenzi likes this.

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