Journey to the Unknown

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by Kenzi, Mar 26, 2018.

  1. This kind of made me wonder about the term 'trigger' and how it appears to be used differently between PA's and SO's. When I see an image or find myself feeling some way emotionally that triggers me, it makes me want to head down the rabbit hole. For my spouse, when she sees another woman being friendly to me, that triggers her and she becomes afraid/anxious/angry.

    So are both uses the same, but just cause us to go down different paths to 'medicate ourselves' emotionally? Or are they quite different uses of the same word?
     
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  2. Queen_Of_Hearts_13

    Queen_Of_Hearts_13 Fapstronaut

    @BreatheDeeply Trigger for addicts as I see it (as a self-harm addict myself) is a trigger to use...act out, so if an addict says, "I was triggered" when explaining why they acted out...that is an excuse, not a reason. The reason they acted out would be, "I felt X emotion and decided to use P to soothe my X emotion"

    When an SO says, "I was triggered" when she starts crying/hyperventilating/needing space etc that is her explaining her emotional reaction. She didn't use trigger as an excuse for behavior that harms herself and others. She could then further explain, "I was triggered by X because of the trauma i've experienced from your addiction and am still learning to use my coping skills." Another point to note is the word "Trigger" is a psychological term used for PTSD and if you read up on PTSD there is little control when a person is triggered. It's why you see a war veteran literally duck and cover if they hear a car back fire or there are fire works. When you ask the vet what the fuck, he will say he was triggeredand thought someone was shooting at him. For PTSD/Trauma trigger is a reaction to the person feeling/thinking they are in a life or death situation. Addicts who are triggered are not in life or death situations...

    I guess to me it seems like addicts say, "I'm an addict. I was triggered" to explain when really they use it as a crutch/excuse and SO's see through it. And SO's say, "I am triggered" so the addict understands why there are breaking down crying/wanting to be alone/ etc so the addict understands the betrayal trauma.

    Does that make any sense?
     
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  3. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    My husband has gained a little bit of weight.
    Not alot..... But a little bit.
    Maybe.... 20 lbs?
    He's extremely tall... So, it looks like less than 10 and I sort of hate him for that bit. A woman could NEVER gain that much and look this good, but that's not the point.
    The point is Naked.
    Naked, he is a different man.
    I want to make sure to point this out to readers.
    We often talk about Faces being a trigger after Dday and I think it's more than that.
    It comes down to a whole different perspective in person to person experience.
    I like the New person my husband is... It's helpful to my healing.
    He feels different.
    There is a element of safety to his new body.
    This body didn't betray me and wasn't the body with someone else.
    Even if he has the same soul inside, the shell, the physicalness matters... And I need that to be Mine and personal to me to be close to him again.
    I need him to be Just For Me.
    He betrayed me Sooooo deeply.
    Maybe this is selfish, but he vowed to forsake all others before me, to love me and protect me and in this form, he has held to that.
    (as far as I can see)
    A few years ago, the Rock_Star shape didn't.
    Maybe that's compartmentalization?
    But that's my way of dealing with it right now.
     
  4. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    NOPE . I TOTALLY get it !! It’s kinda weird but OUR minds are warped from betrayal. I remember thinking his face is a big trigger wanted him to gain some weight too lol look different BE different. He wound up growing a big sexy beard ( something he’d only done twice in 22 years ) this time he grew a beard closely after DDAY , when he was gentle and kind and all in . I kinda want the beard back because he’s def more all in lol so frickin weird I know because the bearded guy is NOT my type but I started to love it ;)
     
  5. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    During the drive today... I tried to convey the concern I had from the ongoing conversation me and Rock Star have been having -
    When my heart broke.
    I told him I Really Needed him to understand THIS PART EXACTLY.
    It's So important.
    He needs to process it... Or comprehend..
    This is where I Hurt.
    He can fix himself, he can continue to try to heal our marriage... But this is where he Stabbed me and where I Am Bleeding.
    This is where I became severed from the relationship.
    This is where I broke.
    Without fixing This Exact part...
    I will eventually leave.
    This is the hemorrhage in our marriage.
    I hurt.
    If he feels like he needs to address it specifically, or do something special... If he finds he needs to do something special himself or care about matters specific because he now has this information... I want him to be kind and constructive and consider the facts, have all of the information moving forward.
    I make no promises.
    If I feel like the wound is fixed at any point and feel reattached, I will address it IMMEDIATELY, I will not hesitate to let him know.
    I'm going to be honest and upfront.
    I'm so glad he's transparent, finally...
    But I don't know if I can deal...
    It hurts all the time.
    I am trying.
    Trying to connect...
    He severely severed me out of our relationship....
    And I don't know if I'll ever be ever be able to be there again...
    He put someone else there...
    And kicked me out.
    Whether he meant to or not. I do not know if it will heal with time... But if I get to a point where I can't live with it anymore... I will let him know because it's not fair to him. Until then, I will work on myself and I will try to work on the marriage.
    It's not fair for either of I end up not able to be back 100%.
    So, if I get to a point where I plateau...
    That's it.

    Rock_Star was accepting and open.
    And hugged me.
    For now... We work on it.
     
  6. Jennica

    Jennica Fapstronaut

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    This is interesting, I completely dislike beards, when my hubby grows one I actually hate it. Every time he went sideways in his addiction (acting out) he always grew a beard (Like he was hiding behind it). I can’t help but associate the beard with dishonesty and now I hate beards all together when when before it was just a preference to clean shaven or a bit of scruff to a beard. It’s a huge turn off for me now.
     
  7. Well, there are definitely some psychology studies out there to support that. There are exceptions, of course. Some women like the Grizzly Adams look. And some guys just look more like a man with facial hair. Regardless, though, I think you can still trust Santa.
     
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  8. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    So weird ! Mines the opposite!
     
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  9. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    Literally just laughed out loud
     
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  10. Jennica

    Jennica Fapstronaut

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    And then there is Krampus! ;)
     
  11. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    I haven't written again in a bit.

    I'm still getting ready to leave but I have been lingering as I wanted to finish transition out after my daughter's full insertion into her program.
    I think it's only appropriate since that was the real delay that I finish that, before I go.
    Even if that has been delayed two more times... It doesn't mean she's not going or I'm not either.
    Insurance and special paperwork etc etc.

    Although.... Totally creepy...
    Yesterday....
    The old school called.
    Very stalkery.
    I had to call and report them to the authorities, just in case.
    Nothing is being done right now... But just in case of escalation.
    Im putting this here because of my other thread...
    -Should the school do something?
    They clearly only act in their own interests.
    Whatever Those are.

    Me and Rock Star are glad we left.... We had some discussions about changing things around the house... I'm not sure how much it will help? But I need to sort of shed some of the old as we transition.
    We have always had clashing (Dharma/Greg) personalities.
    I'd like to find a middle "US" feel for the house... If we intend to try to continue.
    And I want the house to feel like it. The kids all know it's moms or dads... I'd like a "parents" feel, instead.
    He was the one who wanted such separate lines before...
    I'm absolutely going to throw them out.
    Rock_Star was supportive of this.
    Good.
    Good.
    I'm going to spend some money changing some things.
    The kids are going to probably be upset... Not angry... Just... "moms gone crazy decorating"!
    Yes.

    So I think I'll close the journal with a song... I started with a song... I'll end on a song.
    Obviously not today...
    But those are my thoughts.
    Until tomorrow..
    I hope everyone is well and has a good Tues.
    Tuesdays are good days.
     
  12. Strength And Light

    Strength And Light Fapstronaut

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    If it's not the Golden Girls theme song I'm going to be so disappointed. ;)
     
  13. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    Am I THAT old??
     
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  14. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    Helping where I can today.
     
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  15. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    When I tell Dr Ruthie about my safe place here and how I try to help where I can and learn where I can , she said that helping others in similar situations of trauma actually heals yourself little by little . Same goes for the addict themselves. YOU are and continue to be a help to me ;)
     
  16. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    Thank you?
    Your Welcome?
    Lol
     
  17. Yes..this.
     
  18. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    I suppose the other major thing I did today was stress that when we move I NEED safety.
    I need emotional support and physical safety in my environment.
    I need to know that I am surrounded by and in a welcoming and humble place full of healthy living.
    I need to know that this is going to be mentally ok.... Even if it's not.
    I'm so fragile.
    I can no longer see, every where I turn... The plague of smut that was before.
    His life... My life...
    The pieces that we had sewed together?
    I want no more "his" or "mine"...
    I have been waiting years for "ours" and he wouldn't commit fully...
    Even if my heart can't hold on anymore because he set the bar too high with his girlfriend, I deserve a shot at it.
    I should get a chance at a "ours."
    A life I was promised anyways...
    If we are really going to Try anyway.
    We aren't trying, unless we are trying, right?
    I don't even know if I'm making sense anymore or if he just broke me down that badly.
    Just my thoughts for the evening...
    I'll try to write better tomorrow..
    I guess.
     
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  19. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    Lol why the question marks ?!
     
  20. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    All of it makes sense . You want to FEEL , KNOW , SEE you are a priority, that your relationship together is worth the work for the BOTH of you . You want to feel safe in all areas of your life ESPECIALLY in your own home
     

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