Journey to the Unknown

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by Kenzi, Mar 26, 2018.

  1. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    I don't know how well He absorbed it.
    We spoke about the car again.
    And where our rupture is in the marriage.
    I don't know how much safety it really will provide... Maybe placate?
    Deleted Account likes this.
  2. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    I told him before the Car Conversation was probably going to be ongoing.. He didn't understand.
    This was his solution... Try to fix it.
    So I said ok.
    Go on, TRY.
    He tried... He really tried to put good words into me.
    I feel like he set the bar to high for himself...
    6 MONTHS AGO -
    When he rushed to defend himself and protect her.
    Maybe... He didn't know what he was saying... Maybe they were just words..
    Maybe he didn't love her like the lyrics rang?
    He was speaking without pause, he was speaking without thinking, he was speaking so fast.
    He literally Just spoke.
    I asked a question and he answered... Without further provocation.
    Without hesitantion.
    Total fluidity.
    The words came tumbling out...
    Peircing my heart... Breaking it... Shattering my soul... Leaving me bleeding.
    If he didn't mean it, in that moment... 1,000 things could have been different and I've thought about it every single day.
    Hoping I can rationalize anything, any part of it... Out of it.

    I made him stop talking to me about me.
    I think the bar is set to high.
    I'll never reach it.
    He'll never put me up there.
    I fear it every day.
    I need to be up there...
    Or I am too broken to stay.

    He knows I have no fight left.
    I reclused.
    I'm not asking about his reboot.
    I'm not kissing him goodbye.
    I'm not drinking coffee he brings me.
    I just.... Will never be Perfect.
    And what's worse... I never wanted to be perfect... I just wanted him to love me and I wanted to be the one who made him feel like a man.
    Because he was my man...
    But maybe he never was?
    I was just a fool.
  3. I wish I could offer something to help with your pain today... some words of comfort or reassurance that would take hold... but I fear I have none that matter. Should you not find solace on this board today either from or by helping others (as you do so well), then perhaps you can by sinking into the innocence of the younger ones around you. Perhaps turning off all the adult stuff for an hour or two would be welcomed.
    Strength And Light likes this.
  4. mcgrim

    mcgrim Fapstronaut

    No, you weren't a fool and you never will be no matter how it feels. You simply didn't get back what you gave so freely and now you are understandably hurt.

    You will find a way through this pain, you won't be the same person at the end of this Journey but that's not necessarily a bad thing if you come out stronger in the end.
  5. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    thanks @Strength And Light
    Even I have bad days.
    (few and far between)
    I needed some inspiration today.
    This is good.
    Also, thanks @Misneach for taking the time to inspire others
  6. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    I wrote Rock_Star a long letter
    I titled it "Not Enough"
    Because I'm not enough.
    When we sat down for gottman workshop last night, instead of actually going through with it we talked about the letter.
    It became tense... But not angry.
    I NEED him to understand This part.
    I don't know if he does.
    I suppose he can feel me fading, it's not a threat.
    I just don't have it in me anymore, to fight for the marriage.
    I just don't.
    I wonder when he's going to be complacent... if I invest in... how long till he's tired again?
    I was telling him what I need...
    And he was telling me it's too hard.
    I told him, I just can't do it anymore...
    Listening to him tell me how hard it is, how difficult it is to be with me, how difficult this task I'm requesting is, how difficult achieving the intimacy I require is or how tired he will be.
    (he Only said the first one last night, but these are the other excuses)
    It's so exhausting it seems just for him to even think about the prospect of the ideas that I'm proposing.
    It's so depressing.
    I'm checking out.
    I'm tired of his tiredness.
    This shouldn't be too hard.
    To desire your wife.
    I don't know what's so difficult, I don't know why he stayed.
    I'm sick of driving the relationship myself and it's just not fair to me anymore.

    I repeated all of this this morning when he called and told me that he now Magically wants therapy again.
    He didn't think we needed it and now suddenly he does.
    Apparently, he did not think I was in this much pain until last night.
    He also told me not to use You statements because it sounds like I'm blaming him.
    So I said things like--" I deserve a husband who desires me"
    & "I want a faithful spouse" & "I am bleeding from the affair every day"
    Because... It's not like that wasn't achievable.... He just wasn't listening.
    He also said that he wants to write me a letter telling me why he stayed with me.
    I completely rejected this idea.
    I don't want a letter he can sit and think about and edit...
    My whole problem with this whole ordeal is I thought he had a certain level of creativity and it turns out he just needed enough passion for someone to be able to express himself in such a way and that just wasn't for me.
    If he can't be organic and express the same passionate love for me...
    if he really entered into a marriage with me, under such falsity...
    I don't agree to these terms.
    He's not the person I married.
  7. Strip all of it away. All of the past issues. Strip it down to the core facts that exist today. Problems and difficulties can be worked on. But if at its heart, the relationship will never provide all that you both need...
  8. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    At the core... I need to know I'm loved Most.
    More than the Porn, more than addiction, more than his girlfriend, more than the hookers.
    I need to know...
    I'm loved more than some dopamine rush.
    I need LOVE .
    I don't know if he feels the same way about me that I do about him.
    That's the core.
    If someone can't do something for someone else because it's too difficult, why be together at all?
    Especially when it's a perfectly reasonable request.
    Marriage is 100%-100%
    Not 50-50.
  9. Absolutely. A love for our spouse can coexist with our addiction. And by that, I only mean that we can love our partner while the struggle with porn goes on. And we can know in our hearts that our marriage is more important than pixels. Being addicted doesn't mean we can't love.

    But until we put those ideas into play on a regular basis, until our actions reflect our true beliefs, healing won't take place.
  10. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    After, what I felt was a really good meeting with my group, I am redoing my boundaries.
    I am going to give this a bit and give space...
    It's not my job to trust him...
    It's HIS job to earn trust back.
    Rock_Star has to accept responsibility.
    He has to work on being accountable for the wound and pain he caused.
    And should let go a teeny bit and allow for some space for evolution of that.
    (it's difficult in the amount of pain I feel constantly)
    So.... I made a long list... Most of it is reiterateration of stuff he does anyways and most of it is reworded stuff things he knows how to do anyways.
    I felt I needed to say it anyway because it's no longer porn addiction, this is he was With Someone else and Intimate with her and this changed our situation dramatically and drastically.
    I could deal with the porn.
    Didn't always deal well, but I could deal with it.
    I also added things like "I want safety in the choices of the future."
    And "if we have to wait to find a CC for some of these I'm ok with that"
    But I do want to know, whether we stay together or get divorced, no matter what... The choice is safe and I don't want worry about it. I don't feel safe mentally or emotionally right now. I hurt. And I don't want to be like our friend who's wife can't or won't talk about it or make a decision... I want to know that no matter what... The future is safe no matter what path we take. I want to talk the choices out. Know that we are OK and the future is better than this. Even if that means thinking about parenting plans or financial splitting.
    Rock_Star understood that.
    Or at least said he did.
    Because I don't know if I can continue with another 6 months like this.. It's been 6 months since, now... And I don't want to be in the same place as I am now in 6 more months.
    I just don't.
  11. Queen_Of_Hearts_13

    Queen_Of_Hearts_13 Fapstronaut

    Ditto. I am so sorry, you know I am always here for you. I really hope that you can find that safety and that Rock Star can provide it!
  12. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    So good.
    My self care for the evening. :)
  13. Had to look it up.
    Are you having the egg thing or the ice cream thing?
    Moon Shot likes this.
  14. Moon Shot

    Moon Shot Fapstronaut

    Aha, I was just going to ask the same exact thing. The ice cream thing looks divine.
  15. Strength And Light

    Strength And Light Fapstronaut

    I had that once. The doctor gave me some ointment and it went away in a few days.
    Kenzi and Deleted Account like this.
  16. +1. Nice.
    Strength And Light and Kenzi like this.
  17. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    I suppose he will never desire me.
    We... Are so broken.
    Now.... We just look well put together again.
    I'm not sure what is worse?

    The kids are doing well here.
    Transitions.... And just everything.
    This year kid #3 is hyper.
    Which is new...
    Kids #4&5 we are watching really change and grow.
    Makes me sad.
    Those are my babies.
    Kid #1 leaves in 2 years...Full ride already... If she can keep it.
    And kid #2... She's working on healing this year. So far, so good.
    This year certainly has changed us all.
    It's just been one of those years where we all morphed a little... Shaped a little.
    We didn't come out the same way as we went in.

    I have... Projects.
    Work things.
    Last night I didn't sleep.
    Thinking things over.
    I suppose a person can't stay stuck forever.
    Even if stuck can be comfortable.

    This week is Rock_Stars birthday.
    It's so difficult to touch someone who broke the natural evolution of "the two of us".
    Maybe Anna isn't crazy.
    Maybe all of our relationships are now Missing something.
    Some BIG part of evolution that we feel is lacking....
    A looming crack in our foundation..
    We all long for...
    My dear friend Phucky, his wife wanted protection.
    She wanted to know that he was on her side. That they were family.
    Choose the family you made over the family that made you.
    I tell my husband even this.
    But it was broken for him.
    Anna wants romance.
    I want desire.
    Maybe.... It's not simple.
    Maybe some of us don't know what is the crack.
    I don't think I knew for a while?
    Maybe I did.....
    Maybe.... That's the riddle.... To get back on track in reboot in relationships..
    Don't Just reboot...
    Fix the Big relationship thing, not Just the small things.

    Maybe some are just better at that than others.
  18. Well said
  19. HonestyMatters

    HonestyMatters Fapstronaut

    What is it Kenzi that he needs to do to make you FEEL more desired?

    And, is he really CLEAR on this? x
  20. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    Wrote him a long letter.
    He has it.
    It's on how my heart broke when he told me about his girlfriend.... He's read it... I don't think he's...."absorbed" it.
    Or cared to.

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