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Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by Kenzi, Mar 26, 2018.
How long can you continue to desire someone who doesn't desire you?
For a very, very long time. Ask my wife.
I only point to it in case you hadn’t consciously noticed. I’m not at all saying that you aren’t giving things a chance or haven’t met him halfway or anything like that. You seem to be in a stage of weighing things out so I wanted to be sure you take into account your own position and not just his. Does that make sense? It’s not just about whether he still desires you, there’s also your feelings about him. If he flipped a switch and showed incredible outward desire for you now, does that instantly give you desire for him? I have no idea how this stuff works.
Things have been pretty quiet in Kenziland lately. I’m hoping this is a good thing and that things are going well. You deserve that.
Thank you for caring and inquiring.
I'm just... Weighing what I want right now
May you find clarity and peace in all this. It is possible.
Thinking of you.
Lots of strength, hope and good vibes to you, Kenzi, and may you, as Phucky said (I hope I'm not taking a liberty by using that nickname, @phuck-porn!), find the clarity and peace in all of this. I've said it before, but again I want to say that you are a very brave person packed with an unimaginable amount of strength- and it's inspiring. And your strength is helping many on here! Including me, so thank you for that, for being here.
Had a talk yesterday about how when Rock_Star speaks about me, he can sound condescending.
Not how you should sound about someone you love.
Also, HE'S pushing me away.
I feel it all the time.
I don't want to be close if he's being a asshole.
I don't care to cuddle or kiss for days or all day if I feel rejected or used.
I want to talk divorce legistists.
Even if it's conditional.
I think he really needs to understand where I am right now.
I'm done with the wax and wane bullshit.
I don't think any of us can really help make your marital decisions any easier. You have been pinched in a heavy situation for a long time now. For you to come here and continue to show how your story unfolds is helping a lot of people in many different ways. I hope it is helping you also.
Rock_Star said he didn't want to talk to me about divorce... I asked why and he said because then it becomes a plan and then why not do it...
I said well we need something different.
I don't think he understands where I am any more.
If we aren't moving together, we aren't going to stay in limbo forever.
I'm too old for this shit and I want to pick a damn direction.
I told him the only reason I am even entertaining this conversation Now... Was he bought some of his own time with something he said the other night.
But that won't last forever.
.. The conversation went on for a while..
I told Rock_Star last night - "I'm like that old beat up cell phone that you decided to keep because you couldn't afford to trade in for the newer hotter model.
If you arent charging me up, consider me draining power.
All. The. Time.
I'm always losing power.
I don't go "power save" mode anymore.
I don't conserve.
I don't dim to stay at 50% for half the day.
I'm always draining.
You didn't take care of me.
You threw me against the wall...
You didn't appreciate me... You wonder why my internet connection is slow or you can't find a signal?
I'm always draining power.
All. The. Time.
Just to power me up.... I need you to Want to power me up... Got to care to wiggle the charger cord in just right, or it won't connect...
(ah, yes, we have all had a phone like this)
The "on its last leg" phone.
But if I'm not charging, I'm draining... Every single second. "
Rock_Star said.... "Like a car with no gas?"
I said "NO."
"Not like a car.
A car powers down at the end of the day... Will save gas for tomorrow.
I never turn off, my engine is always going, always expelling when its not intaking."
He quietly said "oh."
I asked if he understood.
Rock_Star said he did.
Great great analogy !!
This is almost always because of debris in the female power port of the phone. Take the end of a toothpick or something similarly skinny and clean it out. You'll be surprised how much lint and crap comes out of there. The problem is almost never from hardware coming loose.
Oh yeah, and great job on the conversation. I'm always impressed with your ability to communicate. I know the talk you had doesn't directly resolve the problems, but it should at least help resolve some possible miscommunication.
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Much love and support in all that you do. May you find the charge you need.♥️♥️♥️
...and you, my Dear, are priceless. The tax that would be levied on you only a very few guys could afford; much less so even fewer would earn the right to even hope to pay it!!
You, lovely one, are GOLD STANDARD.
Catching up with where you are.
BLUNTLY: Not a good spot, love, but an honest spot. An uncomfortable spot.
Shit. I feel so for you, bae, my heart pours out. I wish I could just bring you hot chocolate and ice cream and tequila, sit on a beach till sunrise and contemplate nothing in particular. We'd have fun and if we got sick we'd never remember it!
I know you. I respect you above all.
THIS IS YOU: You have such an allergic reaction to half-baked bullshit excuses.
So suggesting you be patient --- after YEARS of being PATIENT --- is hard to suggest, right? But I am gonna do it, because it is probably exactly what you don't want to hear and probably what you need to hear.
You are doing the right thing. You are being CLEAR AS FUCK to Rock_Star and if he doesn't get the importance of your words now, he may never "get it."
Clearly you love him.
And he loves you as best as he seems capable.
I'd rank you a 10 on love-capacity.
I'd rank him a 6.5....yeah, kinda lame.
But maybe that is his all-out capacity, who knows. Maybe a 10 plus a 6.5 together means energy flows OUT from you and, while you feel your not getting any INFLOWS, perhaps his 6.5 is his all-out-best balls-to-the-wall effort? I dunno.
It is like hooking up a team of poodles to a dog sled. They may be eager, but they just can't rise to the level of performance you will need from a team of huskies. Maybe you got a poodle? Best poodle ever, but don't expect it to be a husky. (God, that is a really stupid analogy! LOL)
But i know this. You two, plus moving and kids and health and other challenges and all that, have hung in there and fought like crazy ass people to get here. The BOTH of you. I know you feel you are near the finish line.....but just be as CLEAR as you can be and have him UNDERSTAND teh CONSEQUENCES of your planned trajectory, which I think is this:
Get it figured out, now. Time is limited, and patience is drawing to a close. You have one life together, and fucking around playing for time acting like a dumbshit asshole that "doesn't get it" is not gonna work anymore. Figure it out, Rock_Star. Now.
As they say, one would rather deal with a bitter truth than a comforting lie.
Damn I hate writing this advice....but i can't sit quietly and not write a thing. Semester is crazy for me....no time.....but you are Khaleesi, my Queen, and I needed to take the time to reach out to you and be some sort of goofy-ass support (or, I fear, the jerk that just said all the wrong things!!).
I love you, boo. You are strong and tough and tenacious and a total battle-hardened warrior Princess and all that, with battle-dragons and fierce determination and all.....but sometimes guys just forget in the heat of all the damned battles.."....we just wanna be seen as vulnerable girls ----and no, we are right now not being women who roar---we just need a genuine FUCKING HUG!!----- so stop the emotional punching, dickhead."
I have never read a Jamie_K_ statement I didn't love. True story.
ThanQ babe. I am so glad we have this wonderful NoFap community to hold each and every one of us up in times we are down.
You, @Strength And Light , have the most perfect name for the very thing our friend needs --- Strength, courage, clarity, and a bright vision forward to chase.
I have zero doubts about @Kenzi ability to make good choices. I have ALWAYS maintained she is some magic combination of Oprah, Ellen, Michelle Obama, my favorite Aunt, and Batwoman (I have told you my Batwoman theory on @Kenzi, haven't I? If not I will repeat it if asked.) With the insight and judgement of Ruth Bader Ginsberg and the courage of Chuck Norris!!
So.... I've decided....
I'm going to give This a try.
I've already had a nasty PA previous to this one.
He was abusive to me... And mean to my children.
Rock Star is a great father.
I don't really give a shit about money, I have plenty of my own...
Rock Star loves them.
Through the fights, or disagreements, he makes time for dinners and Sundays breakfasts.
He pauses the distain for karate and doctor appointments.
The children are simply invaluable to him.
That's something I'm never going to find again, I'm sure.
He's never hit me...
We don't agree... By any stretch of the means... But in my line of work (what I used to do) casual relationship violence (physical or emotional extortion) is almost as prevalent as casual sexual assault in domestic "situations."
Starting over, or simply breaking up the family to not start a new again...
What is the point?
I'm old. I'm tired.
My children aren't small children.
Rock_Star is trying....
As long as his efforts are over 60%, I suppose it's manageable.
Less than that, I suppose that's where I'm drawing a line.
He knows I'm serious now.
I want change.
I have no tolerance for complacency.
I have been researching libido along with fetishes and men's health...
I have a medical degree and no, I'm not a nurse.
This is why I don't bother to argue with people who read, anyone on the internet can read...
It doesn't make you a expert.
10,000 hours in a particular study generally makes a person a expert in their field.
For alot of you... 'PAs'
... That's being a expert In POV lesbian single sex scene.
(I'm joking, obviously!)
Anyways... My thoughts are that (my serious thoughts) many of us women end up experts in our own betrayal trauma.
Which is sucky.
Just... Fuckin... Sucky.
But Rock_Star cheated.
With a woman.
He clearly had feelings for.
It wasn't just the porn here.
And then he Hid it and Lied about it for two years.
We are 7 months post from the biggest Dday I've ever had.
We are almost 3 years past quitting porn.
3 years into sobriety.
I'm not staying for my kids.
I'm not staying because I'm comfortable.
(I'm not comfortable with the intrusive thoughts all the time with how he used to be with her... It keeps me awake and makes me sick, daily)
I'm not scared of the work.
(we have been doing the 'work' for years)
I'm staying because he is finally on board... (he wants to do the work and seeks it out now)
And Rock_Stars understanding seems to be growing.
His compassion seems to be aiding his understanding.
Im staying because throughout the highs and lows...
The hardest work and the boughts of complacency...
He's holding himself to a higher standard than I am.
I think for as much as Im upset and disappointed in my marriage...
This is worth pointing out.
I think the move did us alot of good...
We both are in a better frame of mind...
The toxicity of the people and the environment we left behind has made alot of differences.
We will see what happens next?
I'm completely traumatized.
I'm a fuckin mess.
If he can accept this and deal with it and help me through it.... Sure.
He created the mess anyway.
Teach your sons....
Your actions have consequences..
Teach your daughters...
Make sure to protect your heart.
And maybe our kids won't end up like us.
Today, I wish you all the best.