Just a Friend

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by justafriend, Feb 20, 2019.

  1. justafriend

    justafriend Fapstronaut

    (Update/Clarification/Disclaimer: I’m very happily married. Imagine me old enough to be your mother.)

    I’ve decided to make myself a journal because I’m really having a hard time, and there’s no support group for “friend of porn addict,” so I hope this is okay.

    After opening up to me about his porn addiction, my friend has now clammed up. Barely talks to me. We are on opposite coasts, and we used to text pretty much all day every day. Now, next to nothing.

    It’s not a romantic relationship — never has been, never will be — so I don’t have any of the betrayal feelings common to girlfriends and spouses. It just feels like I’ve lost one of my best friends. Even if it’s not forever, it sucks.

    I’ve been educating myself on withdrawal, so in addition to what he told me, I have some idea of what he’s going through, like brain fog, mood swings, loss of appetite, intense dreams, fighting cravings, managing triggers, maybe flatlining at this point, fatigue, lack of motivation.

    I keep telling myself to just give him time and space. He knows I’m here, knows he has my full support, no judgment. He doesn’t want me to act like his mother, doesn’t want to check in, doesn’t want to talk about it because then he’ll be thinking about it, which is the hardest part he says. I tell myself, yeah as much as you miss him, and maybe even the dopamine of constant texts, imagine how much he misses porn.

    So I gather it’s best for me to adapt my life/routine without him while he attempts to do the same without porn.

    Intellectually, I get all of this.

    Last edited: Apr 2, 2020
  2. True that!
  3. bobross

    bobross Fapstronaut

    You are a very gentle and caring soul to do this, all friends I had that I tried talking to about this went away. But I will tell you some things from the addict's perspective: self-loathing is a big thing. And confessing to you, it's like stretching something. Once you stop, it snaps back and there's a maelstrom of thoughts and emotions. Your friend trusts you, and cares about you, to bring himself to tell you. And it's probably eating him inside, the fear that he lost you. My advice, don't push, but let your friend known that you care, and that you offer suppory. Be patient. I hope things will turn out okay :)
    And prepare for an emotional roller coaster :D Good luck to you two
  4. RollerCoaster

    RollerCoaster Fapstronaut

    Sex addiction is not the same thing like porn addiction!
    Last edited: Mar 28, 2020
    | Nico | likes this.
  5. bobross

    bobross Fapstronaut

    It just occured to me, you two may not be a couple, but I think you might find some useful knowledge in the Significant Other journals, there are many people there, trying to support their addicted spouses. I think many things discussed there apply to relationships in general, not necessarily marriage and stuff. Just a thought
    | Nico | and justafriend like this.
  6. justafriend

    justafriend Fapstronaut


    I’ve made a handful of nice new friends here, a silver lining, and that’s helping me a lot. I, in turn, hope to lend support where I can. As I wrote in another thread:

    “Yep, consider me a goodwill ambassador to Mars from Venus. Haha. Seriously, it’s my coping mechanism for dealing with the heartbreak and helplessness of my recovering friend ghosting me. Learn as much as I can about what he’s likely experiencing and try to support those like him. Keeps me from crying in my Cheerios over stuff that’s out of my control.”

    I have really appreciated everyone’s advice and perspective. This is a very thoughtful community here, and I respect and admire the dedication to self-improvement, something I value tremendously.

    With the exception of a lingering sadness I can’t entirely shake that hangs over my head like one big raincloud on an otherwise sunny day, everything *else* in my life is going swimmingly well — health, family, love life, all of Maslow’s hierarchy, etc. So, I have a reservoir from which to draw strength, but damn, heartache/grief is draining.
  7. You’re a good friend. He will swallow his pride eventually, but it stings after a relapse. Perhaps in another couple weeks, ask him what day he is on lol
  8. justafriend

    justafriend Fapstronaut


    Things are better.

    I’m taking it very very slowly.

    I don’t wish to elaborate on this, but I just want to note that this community here has made me that much more grateful for the blessings in my life (especially my love life), and that much more cognizant of the struggles of others.

    Much respect and empathy.
    Last edited: Jun 14, 2019
  9. Sounds like a cool guy. What do you base your assumptions on? What do you even want to achieve by pursuing him so much?
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 21, 2019
  10. justafriend

    justafriend Fapstronaut

    Flox, you always ask good questions. :) Assumptions are based on certain clues. What do I want to achieve? Short superficial answer: I want things to go back to the way they were between us...I want him to share his life stories with me again...I want to put the genie back in the bottle. Haha. Longer answer involves trust and attachment and self-esteem. I want him to know he’s worthy of love, that there are people in this world (me + others like me, yes even females, gasp!) capable of seeing and valuing his integrity and strength of character — not only in his numerous attributes but in his commitment to battling his demons. I want him to know there are trustworthy people (with no hidden agendas or ulterior motives) and relationships worth the effort of working through whatever rough patches. And of course, I want him to see ME as someone worth a place in his life/heart because I obviously feel that way about him. But, I am very very good at this love/relationship stuff. Him, not so much. Again, I’m a scrappy puppy, and he is an aloof cat. Haha. :)
    Last edited: Apr 21, 2019
    | Nico | and JayJmoose like this.
  11. You are the friend we all wish to have had, it’s amazing that you’re taking the time to actually educate yourself on this addiction in order to help your friend, more power to you!
  12. That's sweet. Do you feel like writing in detail what you did, what worked, what not, what have you learned? I'd like to learn thing or two ;)

    Edit: If you decide to help me, please assume I'm retarded. Don't use generalizations like "Assumptions are based on certain clues."
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 22, 2019
    goodnice 2.0 likes this.
  13. justafriend

    justafriend Fapstronaut

    Aw, Flox... I’m trying to be a fly-on-the-wall not a gadfly. ;)

    I will post some links to good articles...
    | Nico | and goodnice 2.0 like this.
  14. No, don't do that. I want words directly from you. Well if you're up to it of course.
    goodnice 2.0 likes this.
  15. justafriend

    justafriend Fapstronaut

  16. Bruhhh hook me up with them relationship advice!! I want the words directly from you too
  17. justafriend

    justafriend Fapstronaut

    I’m putting myself in the penalty box for accidentally contributing to a relapse by referring to PIED in slang terms. :(

    No one else ask me for advice.

    Blah. Maybe THIS is why my friend distanced himself from me. Precaution. :(

    EDIT: As it turns out, my buddy @goodnice 2.0 was “just kidding” about relapsing.
    NOT good nor nice (!!), but I’m too relieved to be mad.
    Last edited: Apr 24, 2019
    | Nico | likes this.
  18. That was his decision. Even if I sent him porn, he should be one resisting it if he really wants to. Damn you @goodnice 2.0 lol.

    You're right, that could be the reason. Still, this reason alone probably isn't enough. He has girlfriend, maybe thinking in this direction could be right. What do you think? Or something we don't know about maybe? Maybe he had secret feelings for you, and now wants to get rid of it? This seems reasonable. Maybe he lost trust in you for some reason. Maybe you know the answer already.
  19. justafriend

    justafriend Fapstronaut

    Thank you for this. I was feeling terrible, and this brought a smile. :)


    I keep returning to Occam’s razor: PAWS. Brain fog + no energy/motivation to converse — on any topic but especially PAWS.

    Also, I’ve been reading a lot recently about attachment theory and the concept that one’s primary attachment style can change, both over time and with different people and relationships and situations. Up until my friend confessed his addiction, he and I both had “secure” attachment styles with each other. I think his confession triggered me into an “anxious” style and him into an “avoidant” style.

    I’m going to post a list of really fabulous psychology books I’ve read this year that I highly recommend. I am always reading psych books, but I feel like this year I have found some *especially* good ones. (Or maybe it’s just right message at right time, haha.)
    Last edited: Apr 24, 2019
  20. justafriend

    justafriend Fapstronaut

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