Just a guy who wants to feel love once.

Hi everyone! I'm a 23 years student. I'm new here and that's my first post !


(It's a long story so I just have one question, If i'm doing NOFAP, does having sex with a girl is making me relapsing?)


I'm studying in education sciences and I want to be a history and geography teacher in High school. I live in Montreal, Canada and my first language is french, so i'm gonna try to express myself properly to explain my situation. It's gonna be a long story but I have to explain it all for you guys to understand, and also to understand a little bit myself because I've never told this to anybody!


For most That I remember, I started I started to masturbate to porn when I was like.. 13. When me and my brothers were teenagers and before that, my parents put a parental control on the internet. But like most kids these days, we know a lot more about internet than our parents do! 10 years ago, I just downloaded Limewire and had free access to many hardcore videos.


I remember the first time that I watched porn.. I was alone in the house and i randomly downloaded an hardcore orgy videos... I'm not gonna explain it with details but for a 13 years old, that was a whole new world to me.. my eyes were wide open and I've never watched something exciting like that! So I just carried on to watching porn like this!


For religious reasons, I've never had sex before 21 years on (but I sure could with many girls before that).


to 13 to 21 (when i get I girlfriend back then), I was masturbating on porn almost everyday, at least once.. I blocked my mind because I wanted a girl to love, and not just a girl to fuck when I was a teenager (because of religious reasons!). I have to say that there's no more religious reasons that brought me here today, I'm not part of that religion anymore, I'm just here to have a better life.


So the first time that I really kissed a girl was when I was 16. I felt nothing. I mean.. it was nice but I never felt love when I kissed a girl!


After that, I was trying to get a girl to get serious with because I've never wanted to be the kind of douchebag who whats to fuck most girls possible and just thinking about himself. So I trying to get into a relationship many times but for religious reasons, it didn't make it because girls were not in my religion.. And I had high standards (probably because of porn tho.) And i prefer to stay alone.


I'm the kind of guy who never ha any problems with girls. I've never been too good in sports or in school.. but I'm not afraid to talk to people, I'm usually to guy to introduce myself first, not afraid to talk out loud in front of everyone, telling jokes, not afraid to talk to girls. Since I'm in college, I've made out with like 40 girls, because and after I had my first girlfriend at 21. Let's call her Shandy.


I met Shandy at my first day of university 2 years ago, I wanted to try something new so I said to myself that I was ready to get a girlfriend, no matter what!. Shandy was a dependent personality disorder (DPS, check out on wiki). I didn't know at this time but now I realized.


She was pretty cute and she add me on Facebook after the first day we spoke. After that, I met her in a Starbuck and had a 3 hours conversation with her.. The starbuck closed and I brought her to my appartement. After that we talked a look, we kissed and I brought her in my bed.. I was a virgin but I was very confident.. I told her that I waited to this age because of my religion (it really attracts girls at this time), and I wanted to wait to be sure it's really a good girl for me.. she gaves me a blowjob but i've never been able to concentrate to cum.


I had like 5-6 blowjobs from different girls before that and I never been able to enjoy it that much.. I was nervous.. not able to be that hard.. (I understand today that it's probably because of porn!). Before of that, I also tried to have sex the summer before with one of the hottest girl i've met in my life (she was hot, but dumb.. sorry I have to say it). When I was hard, I was trying to penetrate her but my penis was starting to be too soft.. we trying like 4-5 times different days.. it never worked.. It was sooo embarrassing for me.. ! that's why I was afraid and after that I wanted a girl that I could trust to held me with my erectile dysfunction... shit I've never understood why I was like that! I was jerking off to a lot of girls on the internet... sometime girls less attractive than her.. and now.. I was not able to have sex with her.. damn.. So many questions popped up in my head.. I am normal? Am I gay or something ?


The very first time that I had sex was with my first girlfriend, Shandy. We tried the first time, it didn't work. The second time it worked.. but I've never been able to cum! And now that I know more about sex.. I was ridiculous. I was taking her like a porn star.. trying many positions.. fucking her really hard.. She liked that but.. That was not love.. that was just animal sex that I was trying to reproduce in my life because I saw it on the internet.. After that we carried on to have sex.. that was good! After that I've been able to cum everytime... even with blowjob that i didn't want because because I was afraid of delayed ejaculation (That I also have when I first have sex with a girl).


I've never been able to fall in love in my life. Even with Shandy that i've been with for 1 year. I broke up with her because she was not giving me any space, and she was crying for no reasons because she was jealous and shit like that.. that was too much for me!


After that.. I was free! I knew at this moment that my sex problem with girls was over because I was able to fuck with Shandy and there was no problem (but I didn't know at this moment what was my real problem). So now, I was a single guy in university, not afraid to talk to girls, no stressed at all, confident, girls liked my style and I was able to make her at ease... also alcool was helping me a lot too.


So In one year, octobre 2015 to december 2016, I had sex with many girls.. 16 to be more precise. I was a virgin 2 years ago, and now I slept with 16 girls (plus Shandy).


While I slept with these girls, many things happened... most of the time I was able to do one nights with them, but sometimes I was not able to get hard... other time I had a delayed ejaculation so I was having sex with them during 20 minutes.. and I was kind exhausted and girls too so they usually ask me if I was ok..? Sometime i just faked my orgasm and tried again, but I had to concentrate a lot, thinking about other things to cum, concentrate to think about other moments, even if girls were freaking sexy... I mean most of the time that was good.. but I had my best orgasm on the internet.


I mean, on the internet, 13 to 23 yr, I watched a lot of stuff.. hardcore stuff.. even gays and transwomen videos sometimes.. After that I began to read stuff about straight guys watching gay and transwoman porn.. and one of the articles was related to nofap and the book that i bought on Amazon, Your brain on porn. So when I began to read this book, it becomes soo clear in my head! The desensitizing of your brain, more dopamine that you need every time.. and I understood why sex never felt that good, why I was able to get girls into my bed, but not having a really good time with them..


I did like 3 attempts to quit porn. The longest was one complete month. One complete month without even getting hard (Flatline). It becomes scary to me, I began to watch girls in a different way.. not really wanting to have sex with them, but just to talk.. And after that I began to feel something about one girl in particular. It never did it to me..


I relapsed because that was the end of the semester and I was soo anxious, I've never been like that before.. I was not even able to study all day like I usually do. I was not strong enough to carry on...


But now that I know that I feel something different about that girl that I'm dating right now, I really want to quit that shit! I'm not even having sex with her yet... And to be honest, I don't want to, I want to wait because she's my type.. and I think that because of Nofap, I felt something that I never felt before.. to see a girl like a complete human being, and not a simple sex object..


I want to wait, because what you found on the internet is total bullshit that will bring me nothing in life. I want to feel something different, I want to have feelings for someone and taking care of that person not because I only want to have sex, but just because I belong to her and I'm in love with her. When I'm looking in her eyes, I want to make love to her.. but I want to be able to... And I think that I have to do Nofap first, because it changes a lot of stuff in my perception of girls in only 1 month!


And I read in Your Brain on Porn that pornography is one of the reason guys like me want to have sex with a girl without having any feelings for them. It separated feeling from sex, and it's bad because usually, sex if way more better in a relationship than a one night with a girl that you don't know a lot...


That's why I came here, And I decided to stop watching this shit! Like my title, I want to feel love, I want to built something, I had enough of this shit. I feel like a lost an important part of my life, not being able to have feelings for girls just because I thought the only thing that matters was sex, without feeling...


I came here to have support, I know that my message takes a long time to read, sorry about that but I had to write it all to understand myself more..


Have a good day, all your encouraging words are welcome. If you have similar stories, I would be pleasured to read about it.