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Just Broke A Lonely Girl's Heart & It Was Horrible

Discussion in 'Loneliness' started by R92B, Apr 9, 2021.

  1. I was seeing a 20 year old girl for a period of 4-5 months, semi-regularly, and facetiming every few days. We called it off last night as she began to grow tired with my distant communication and cornered me into being honest about my feelings (or lack of). She is 10 years younger than me, very sweet, caring, and good fun. A real heart of gold and one of the nicest people I’ve met. However, I soon realised that I only kept her around for two reasons. My loneliness being one (I only have 1 friend) as well as a huge sense of guilt given how attached she had become during those 4-5 months. She has a rough home situation – her mum has the mental age of a 15 year old and so she has to look after her own mother, housework, cooking etc. Her dad and brother barely speak to her or anyone and are extreme introverts, and the family dynamic seems non-existent. She has had bad experiences with men including a horrible and long rape by a stranger when she was 13 years old.

    Despite my discontent with the dynamic between me and her, and the relief I should be feeling for cutting ties, I can’t help but feel massively sense of burden, sorrow and sympathy for her given how attached she was to me and how I was all she had that was good in her life. Due to her having little to no friends and no real family, and how good a person she is, I feel utterly distraught and haven’t been able to stop crying for the past day.

    I don’t really know why I’m posting this, I guess looking for reassurance that I’ve done the right thing and that you have to be cruel to be kind. I would not have been happy staying with her and I never got excitement or stimulation when my phone would ping and the message was from her. If you’re invested into a relationship you should have that excitement and joy, it was missing that and deep down I knew I had to let her go. Staying with someone out of pity is wrong but my god letting them go and destroying them is a horrible feeling. Comments/support appreciated because I feel awful.
     
    Garek likes this.
  2. Jeez that's rough man, all the best in processing all this. I think you made the right decision, even though it feels bad now. I hope she knows this is also hard on you? If not, I think you should think twice about messaging her and telling her about it, I fear doing that could only give false hope ("don't try to be liked by the person you dumped, let them think you're a villain in order to get through this"). Just my 2 cents...
     
    Steak_Burger likes this.
  3. I really like that viewpoint, thanks man I needed that. I didn't come across like a dick, but I also don't think trying to come across like a saint is useful. I simply told her the truth and cut all ties. Thanks for making me feel a bit better about it.
     
    Chefb87 likes this.
  4. PanteriMauzer

    PanteriMauzer Fapstronaut

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    Its hard that stuff, i had a simmilar experience with a girl also i didnt liked her for a relantuonship but i feel sorry for her situation and i also had broken with my gf recently so both were on a bit of sad mood, so i chatted with her maybe for 3/4 months maybe more idk, and she liked me but nahhh i didnt want a relationship eventually i had to broke everything with her , felt a sorry for her and also i was unconfortable what i did , but she was atheist, had some left political views so that gave me more easy going on broken with her , i didnt cry nor neithet of that shit, being a cold and a bit of fuck that shit person helped me pass that situation


    My advice is, if you want a girl just being yout friend make sure she understands that immediatly
     
    Steak_Burger likes this.
  5. Leave your perspective for a few minutes if you can and see it from the bigger picture, the bigger life picture let’s call it.

    You have no way of knowing that if by what your doing is going to someday empower her to find someone who loves her and she can notice the signs of what she wants quicker than with you.
    You have no idea if by leaving her if it sends her spiraling into depression or destroys her self esteem.

    BUT more important than all of that is that you did not keep giving someone false hope. You had the decency to end it and be truthful. So from the bigger life perspective ultimately what she chooses to do with that is not up to you. She is the only one who can decide where she goes from here. The fact that your upset about it just means you have a heart and you genuinely did care to some degree about her, but realized she isn’t the one your going to marry. Maybe to a level you used her for your selfish needs and that is part of the guilt? I’ve done that before and I know that after I left her i felt terrible but I did not drag on a relationship I wasn’t going to be 100% committed too, she doesn’t deserve that and neither do I. Karma repaid me years later when it was done to me.
    Either way don’t open that door, better it’s closed for good because this doesn’t sound like a we can be friends situation, and you don’t want to hurt her anymore so just let it be.
     
    RobbyGo36 and Steak_Burger like this.
  6. I do agree that a significant part of it must be guilt, though it's a real dilemma when someone gets attached too quickly and you know ending it will completely break them. In hindsight I should have shut it down sooner but I'm not perfect and I really enjoyed her company from a loneliness perspective. We played games, shared laughs etc, it really helped with my depression. Not kicking myself, I'm sure I did the right thing by ending it. Thanks for your input it was very valuable and has helped me feel better about things.
     
    NamaClature14 likes this.
  7. Your text Litterally describes my experience with the ladies... I don't know how, but I have attracted women from dysfunctional family backgrounds, or ones with a very difficult past. And though they loved me so much, infact most of them are the ones who approached me, I got tired of playing the "Savior".
    My last relationship, with my ex was a bit similar to yours. SHE, also had a difficult past. Abandonment by parents, barely knew her dad, and practically raised herself after fleeing home from a physically abusive grandma.

    She became extra clingy and I got addicted to that, I like the idea of being needed, and that was toxic, at the end she quickly detached . Because she also had, commitment and trust issues. I thought I could fix her, and at the she left me. The relationship was already toxic from the beginning , since she wanted me all to herself and it was not coming from a good place either.

    My take, it's probably for the best that you told her the truth. And honestly people with a rather difficult childhood need to consider therapy and emotional healing, before even opting for relationships. Talking as a guy who has had countless of such relationships, I rather be with someone who has had a stable normal family background, I am tired of playing the psychological games of being with someone like that.
     
  8. modern milarepa

    modern milarepa Fapstronaut

    You did the wrong thing by starting the relationship, now you know you need balls to deal with people otherwise you are just a big mess, ruining other people's lifes.

    But good nonetheless that you broke up with her, didn't get her pregnant or married her. You also have good guy syndrome, you should check that out too.
     
  9. Guilt is a hell of a feeling. Nobody owes anyone anything. At the end of the day, you are free to walk away from anyone or anything at anytime. And so is she. One way of another our karmas work themselves out.
     
    Steak_Burger likes this.
  10. Melkhiresa

    Melkhiresa Fapstronaut

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    except taxes...
     
    Buddhism Is True likes this.
  11. It's easy to get into a codependent frame of mind, which can start small but then it drags on over time if nothing else. Most people are probably not fully individuated so that kind of merging attachment is really going to run into issues down the road. Even if two people are compatible enough to stay together, it's not good on the individual level. It's like thinking of conjoined twins as romantic. Don't people also like to use that expression "my other half"? That shows something about what is commonly accepted as normal.

    It would be possible to be a friend only and support the others maturation, but it would take a lot of integrity and self awareness. I don't think people even need to be a lot more mature than the other, it is just a matter of knowing limits both in terms of ones own and also in the context of the relationship/friendship.
     

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