just getting it off my chest

Today I really thought about the possibility of suicide, I think because I couldn’t see any improvement in relation to my addictions and that made me really sad, I thought I would never get out of it, I was always an introverted young man, always invisible in any social situation, it had good and bad effects, maybe the good thing was that I learned to liking my own company, but this developed a deep social anxiety, I always thought it was normal, until it got worse for some time here.
I started in pornography very early, I think I was about 8 to 9 years old, but different from the overwhelming majority, first porn I saw was foot fetish, I stayed in this pornography niche for a long time, I never thought it was bad or anything like that, until I realized that I was not attracted to relatively normal things like boobs and ass, that's when I started questioning about it, i started watching normal porn to find out if my whole sexuality really came down to just a fetish, at first it was what i expected didn’t excite me at all, i always had I have to go back to foot fetish porn to have some kind of pleasure, but over time I started to like vanilla porn, (it is worth saying that at that moment I was already in more hardcore things like femdom, humiliation, etc.).
I had gone to this niche because it was exciting, it gave me more pleasure because it gave me a lot of anxiety and it kind of made it even more pleasurable, until a point where I started to realize that it didn't make sense, I had remembered once that I had been exposed to femdom porn when I was just watching foot fetish porn, I had been disgusted and I wasn’t excited at all, that's when I started to wonder if the situation I found myself in was really me or whatever, It was when I decided to try vanilla porn, despite many relapses for femdom, I gradually became very fond of normal sex, I began to wonder why I had arrived in that niche (femdom), my sexual preferences were changing over the years, the time from foot fetish to hardcore femdom and then vanilla porn and light femdom, I wondered why the hell this was happening, because theoretically our sexuality should be fixed just one thing throughout our lives.
It was at the moment that I realized that foot fetish and femdom, it wasn't my real sexuality, when I started to like normal sex I realized that it was much more satisfying, but femdom always gave me more pleasure (obviously), it took a year to see some videos of your brain on porn, and I had a monstrous epiphany, I suddenly started to understand why this volatility was so great in my sexual tastes, PORN, it was when I decided to go to nofap, after many relapses, I finally got a 3 week sequence, and I was fucking happy, that's when I missed femdom, I really don't know what happened though, I remember that I had remembered some pornographic scenes and fantasies in my head and that made me anxious as fuck, like my hands were shaking, very strange so I fell, even though I knew it was wrong since I was reinforcing a path that should be extinguished, but even so it fell right after the relapse I felt a gigantic emptiness, as if all my efforts had been in vain, I was sad and angry like I never felt before, until today I found myself crying a lot, because I think that maybe those desires will stay in my brain forever, the sadness was so great that I thought about the possibility of killing myself man , fuck, anyway I just wanted to vent, I intend to continue on hardmode, now more committed than ever, if you read this far congratulations you are a warrior.