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Just Hit Rock Bottom

Discussion in 'Rebooting - Porn Addiction Recovery' started by timtomsula, Oct 31, 2018.

  1. timtomsula

    timtomsula Fapstronaut

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    I just looked at porn and masturbated at work.

    That is not a typo.

    I was 23 days in, doing well, and this was coming off a streak in which I notched 200 days (my personal best).

    I woke up today with an extremely disturbing wet dream. That screwed with my head. Then I approached a girl downtown on my lunch break...well, I thought it was a girl, but it turned out to be a transgender. That screwed with my head further because she/it was actually fairly decent looking and feminine but it disgusted me that I could feel some sort of attraction to someone who was born a man. Anyway, I left and went about my day.

    But I was craving porn and rationalized that it’s Halloween, so I might as well have fun. So I went into a private conference room in my office, turned my computer on mute, and looked at porn. I jerked off my dong over my pants. I’m not happy and will reset my counter soon.

    BTW, if anyone's in Chicago, feel free to PM me. Would love to have an accountability partner in person. We could meet up at Starbuck's downtown or chat on the phone. Whatever.
     
    Eaglevision_2019 and BigOne79 like this.
  2. Air0

    Air0 Fapstronaut

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    Hey I'm really sorry to hear that. You need to start back on your streak right now. Don't delay anything and don't make this a binge. Honestly, this is just a small detour in the road, you're still doing fine.
    What I think will help a lot, is to make an implementation intention plan. It's a what-if plan the next time you have a trigger. https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.p...dentify-and-be-aware-of-your-triggers.180383/
    Maybe your plan could include keeping the office door always open or getting rid of the lock system.
    Keep at it and it's going to be ok. Stay strong! I'm proud of you for that 200+ day pb and you are still making progress to become even stronger. The link in my signature is also a really good post if you want some motivation.
     
    timtomsula likes this.
  3. fellowBrother

    fellowBrother Fapstronaut

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    200 days? How'd you end up relapsing after that?
     
    Deleted Account likes this.
  4. Yeah, man. Don’t feel too bad and let that negative feeling fuel any further behavior... Our ability to rationalize ridiculous behavior is out of this world. When I was homeless I would watch porn and masturbate in this specific public bathroom stall REGULARLY. And my rationalization was that it was the only place I could get to the porn because of WiFi.

    I still have this SUPER sick association with the smell of that bathroom and masturbation. It was a really clean place that I was tainting... Really sick memories. Now that I have a home, I don’t go to that place for anything.
     
  5. And I have had thoughts of masturbating at work since getting a good job... I’m just saying this because you seem to feel pretty guilty. I’m not saying that what you did was necessarily acceptable at all but I want you to truly know that you’re not struggling with the insanity of addiction alone by any means.
     
    timtomsula and Deleted Account like this.
  6. Thank you your honesty and good job checking this in. It is grounded and you have a solid track record of recovery to continue to build on. Learn from the experience and focus on the road ahead. The fact that you are here sharing this is evidence of your commitment to staying on the road recovery. Not in Chicago but reach out any time.
     
    timtomsula and Deleted Account like this.
  7. Air0

    Air0 Fapstronaut

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    Yea the further on in a streak it's more of an impulse buy than the snowball effect. It might be more about conditions that make you forget about what you've already done. Like if you're alone or had a bad day. The people who get back up after this have the mindset of 1/howmanydays. Just one bad day doesn't make them a failure.
     
  8. timtomsula

    timtomsula Fapstronaut

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    Thank you for that link and the link in your sig, mah dude! I appreciate the kind words. "If, then" is huge. You gain a pre-set way of handling obstacles before the addicted part of your brain can get in the way and steer you in the wrong direction.

    Just got bored and complacent. Rationalized, too, that NoFap wasn't working since I was still dealing with anxiety, social anxiety, and a low libido.

    Thanks mah man! Props on overcoming homelessness. That is a huge accomplishment. If I may ask, how did you become homeless and how did you crawl out of that?
     
  9. timtomsula

    timtomsula Fapstronaut

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    Thanks bro. Appreciate that. Onwards and upwards!
     
  10. Hey bud. Hope things are going well for you. I'm in the Chicago area and looking for like minded people for support in this journey. Hot me up on here of interested.

     
    BigOne79 likes this.
  11. BigOne79

    BigOne79 Fapstronaut

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    Hey bro, I’m in the Chicago area. I live in Westchester not too far out, about 1/2 hour out from the city with decent traffic. I actually need an accountability partner as well.

    Good that you’ve reset and are working at this ..
     
  12. BigOne79

    BigOne79 Fapstronaut

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    Me a
    Me as well, hit me up or message me personally on this site.
     

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