I relapsed twice in the last week and I don't know how to update my badge so the fact that it says 10 days is false. In my last post I said that I'm planning on killing myself by or on my 23rd birthday which is September 1st. I haven't really changed plans on that. I have received many helpful and supportive posts in that thread, but I don't feel like I can talk to anyone who volunteered to help me. This girl texted me last week over whatsapp asking me how I'm doing and I lied and said alright, and responding by asking how she is. She read my text, and I haven't heard back from her in a week. I've told her thing I had no business telling her. Every time we plan to get together, something always conveniently pops up, yet she has talking to and hanging out with other people she knows And I said in my previous post, people leave me in droves. I don't believe things will get better because this is going on for 10+ years so I have no reason to believe it will change. I don't know why I'm posting this. Maybe some diary for when I'm gone or whatever. I went to watch a play tonight and I saw many people from class there from when I studied theatre, and everyone looked happy and healthy, and it just upset me now that I'm home. People on this site have had problems worse than mine adn have pulled through, but I am tired, and I would like to sleep and never wake up again. I know porn is fake, but that doesn't bother me anymore. I know movies are fake but I can enjoy that. It's just that those women don't get to know you, use you and leave you, unless it's cam girls. But I can have any woman I want at the click of a button and the connection I'll have with a bunch of pixels on a pc monitor will be more real than with anyone I've tried to form some sort of bond with in real life.