Just over 3 months left

Discussion in 'Porn Addiction' started by Deleted Account, May 24, 2018.

  1. I relapsed twice in the last week and I don't know how to update my badge so the fact that it says 10 days is false. In my last post I said that I'm planning on killing myself by or on my 23rd birthday which is September 1st. I haven't really changed plans on that. I have received many helpful and supportive posts in that thread, but I don't feel like I can talk to anyone who volunteered to help me. This girl texted me last week over whatsapp asking me how I'm doing and I lied and said alright, and responding by asking how she is. She read my text, and I haven't heard back from her in a week. I've told her thing I had no business telling her. Every time we plan to get together, something always conveniently pops up, yet she has talking to and hanging out with other people she knows And I said in my previous post, people leave me in droves. I don't believe things will get better because this is going on for 10+ years so I have no reason to believe it will change. I don't know why I'm posting this. Maybe some diary for when I'm gone or whatever. I went to watch a play tonight and I saw many people from class there from when I studied theatre, and everyone looked happy and healthy, and it just upset me now that I'm home. People on this site have had problems worse than mine adn have pulled through, but I am tired, and I would like to sleep and never wake up again.

    I know porn is fake, but that doesn't bother me anymore. I know movies are fake but I can enjoy that. It's just that those women don't get to know you, use you and leave you, unless it's cam girls. But I can have any woman I want at the click of a button and the connection I'll have with a bunch of pixels on a pc monitor will be more real than with anyone I've tried to form some sort of bond with in real life.
     
  2. https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.php?pages/pmo-counter/

    The porn addiction is a monster that temps one to run from reality and believe everything can serve you at the flip of a dime. This is not what reality is however. No one will give you life on a silver platter. A woman wont just walk up to you and demand you fuck her immediately unless she's a prostitute. The reality is that to get the good things in life that will make us happy, we have to work at it. There's no shortcuts. This means working on the self inside as well, not just what we see outside.

    Your post sounds like the fear of rejection at play. There's an excellent book by Mark DeJesus called "Exposing the Rejection Mindset" that's all about stopping this fear. It is the root cause of many porn addicts. In short, the fear of rejection plays off of comparison with others, thinking that in order to be accepted, a certain level of performance must be reached first. By obtaining a certain performance level, then one "proves" themselves worthy. In reality, there's no need to prove yourself because you already exist. On a religious slant, the Creator never rejects who you are. Only humans with this fear do this to each other. The book goes into much more detail but I found it to be a pivotal read on my road to recovery.
     
    M S Evolution likes this.
  3. So the place to start is to get a job. if you can't get someone to pay you to do something, then volunteer. Doing stuff for others will make you feel better. I can absolutely promise you that.

    And having something to do will improve your life too. You'll be thinking about something other than how much everything sucks.

    Also, a job or volunteer work can lead to making friends and meeting women.
    Something won't just happen - you will have to do something - see above.

    If you do something, it will change - if you don't, it won't.
     
    Last edited: May 24, 2018
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  4. How often were you doing it before NoFap?

    I'll bet it was a lot more than twice a week.

    You have already accomplished something that many people struggle with!

    There are people here who can't get to day 2 - and they want it badly.

    You should stick around - you have potential.
     
    56242 and M S Evolution like this.
  5. ShotDunyun

    ShotDunyun Fapstronaut

    Damn man, I remember when I was un a similar Situation. No job, no girl, Anxiety off the roof, fat, dumb, not interesting, large etc. Then one day I realized I'll die alone, and that I dont really need anyone more than my family, close friends, and my dog.

    And then I said to myself "well, I've hit rock bottom, the only way now is up". So I started NoFap, I felt 400 times WORSE during my reboot, but at the end it was worth it, my mindset changed 100%.

    Now, Im not going to lie, I stopped doing NoFap during 2017, and at the beggining of 2018 I felt that I was on the way to hit rock bottom again. So here I am, struggling again, but its a good and eternal fight. You can do it, you have nothing to lose now bro

    There are some typos/errors, my phone's keyboard Is set on spanish.
     
  6. I'm sorry if I write as if what I'm asking you to do is easy.

    I know it's not - I fight to get anything done myself. I have depression, too. Even during long streaks, I've had trouble getting stuff done.

    But this is your life you are talking about! You have to try.

    You should probably try a different therapist.
     
  7. Thorvir

    Thorvir Fapstronaut

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    Do not kill yourself over this. Doing that just makes things worse for everyone else in your life. Two wrong NEVER make a right. I'm in bad straights right now, but never once have I ever thought about offing myself or anyone else over this. Just be stronger, and be patient. That's all it takes.
     
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  8. Rehab101

    Rehab101 Fapstronaut

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    Life is too precious and by ending it will make your parents very sad. I think we all owe our parents and we should not upset them.
    Go to a park and look at how beautiful the blue sky and trees are. Look at the birds and other animals. You are more precious than them all. You are a wonderful being. Stay strong.
     
  9. Ridley

    Ridley Fapstronaut

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    I know you don't know me, and I don't know that much about you, but I do know this much: your life is worth living. It's not just your life. It's life. It's not something you take ownership over, but rather something that you take part in. Life is a chaotic mess of energy and matter, and you are a visitor to this place. You are not here by accident. You are here for a reason, and no matter how challenging things look from your current position, there are always opportunities to love, to learn, and to find beauty.

    I sincerely hope you don't kill yourself, because you have so much potential. You are 23 years old, which means you are likely at a transformative stage in your life, where you will discover what it means to be a person and why you are here. It would be very tragic to see you go when you are at such an event horizon in your life. If you're still considering suicide, I highly encourage you to get in touch with the suicide prevention hotline (https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/). These people are experts on the topic of suicide, and their purpose is to help people like you. They will not judge you, they will not scoff at you, and they will not give up on you. I hope you find them helpful if the other people in your life have not been able to support you thus far.

    Don't waste any more time or energy on this person. You and her are dancing to two different tunes, and if you try to force things it will only leave you feeling empty. Focus that energy on things you like doing instead. It will be much more worth your time. There are many other people out there who will value you for who you are and who will make an effort to connect with you.

    That actually sounds reasonable. It would make sense that you would assume that you will continue to be rejected and lonely if things have really been that way for ten years. However, I can tell you that, as reasonable as it sounds, this is just completely silly. People change, and the world changes. Oddly enough, change seems to be one of the only constants in the universe. It is logically valid for you to believe that things won't get better, but it is not logically sound. Think about what that means.

    I think I know why you are. You're posting this because you're reaching out. You're posting this because you want some of us to give you a reason to live. Well, I'm going to lay down some reality for you: We're not going to give you a reason to live. We all have our own reasons to live, and we have to work hard to find out what they are. Your reason to live doesn't just magically fall in your lap from a forum post. It comes from experience, reflecting on your experiences, and connecting with other people about them. In short, your reason to live has to come from within. I know this may sound harsh, but I'm only saying it because I believe it's true, and I don't believe you will find a reason to live if you wait for other people to give you one. Other people don't know what it's like to be you. They don't see the world through your eyes, and they don't have the same desires or dreams as you do. Only you can find your purpose.

    Those people may have looked happy and healthy, but to be fair, they're theater people... Okay, joking aside, they are suffering, too. Everyone suffers, and everyone has their own cross to bear. Just because you can't see someone suffering doesn't mean it isn't there. Also, cut it out with that "people on this site have had problems worse than mine" shit. That's an unhealthy mindset to get into. Your suffering is real. Your suffering is valid. It's so valid and real that it's just about driving you to kill yourself. That's nothing to take lightly. When you say stuff like that, the only thing you accomplish is that you minimize your own suffering and make yourself feel even worse than you did before. Suffering is universal, and it takes a toll on you no matter where it comes from. Everyone is fighting a battle in their mind that you know nothing about, and you are fighting one, too. Don't limit yourself by comparing your suffering to that of other people. You will just end up feeling empty and hopeless.

    I hope some of this helps and, again, I really hope you don't kill yourself. I know you've been abandoned by people in the past who have said this to you, but if you need to, feel free to send me a PM. I'd be happy to talk to you, get to know you, and do what I can to help you. Things will be alright. I wish you the best.

    EDIT: If you need somewhat of a reason to trust me, just hear me out about this: when I was 22 years old, I almost succeeded in killing myself. I am so glad that I didn't succeed. I am so lucky to be alive, and I believe you are, too. Again, feel free to message me if you'd like to talk.
     
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  10. MasterRoshi

    MasterRoshi Fapstronaut

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    Don’t do it!!! There is hope!!!! Please pleas please listen to my story before you lose all hope.

    I have been depressed (and sometimes suicidal) for 10+ years. When I was 14 my childhood friend from birth (literally since diapers) did me really dirty and caused me to not trust anyone. Since then everyone has been leaving me, over and over again. It’s a pattern in my life.

    Finally at age 19 I found a girlfriend. After 10 years of dating we got married and were married for 2.5 years. Over the course of our relationship I got more and more depressed, thinking there is no hope for life. I never planned on living past 30 years old and I turned 32 recently, so I thought i overstayed my welcome and it would be time to die.

    When I was 21 I had a popped lung and had surgery. This further lead to my depression thinking I should be dead, so there’s no point to live anyway.

    2 months ago my wife left me... once again proving that everyone leaves me. I wanted to die so bad! But something in me didn’t want to lose her forever, so I decided to start doing work on myself.

    I got a therapist, I told my parents about my depression so it wants to secret anymore, I started dealing with my sex addiction. I started to meditate every day, exercise every day, change my diet, change my sleep pattern. And was starting to feel SLIGHTLY better. I didn’t want to die on a Daily basis, but am still depressed often, but the fact that I don’t want to die every day, is a slight improvement.

    2 days ago, I found out that my wife went on a date with a co-worker...only 1.5 months after leaving me!!! This proved that she didn’t love me and that she was willing to seek out emotional connection with someone else. And the worst part is it was a date with a coworker!!! Someone she has been talking to daily at work for over a year?!?!?

    My first thought was “I’m old, balding, wrinkled hands, ugly. No one will ever want to be with me anyway, and my marriage is obviously over...I should just die...” but since I had been doing the above work, I was able to journal my feelings down and get through it.

    I’m still in crazy amounts ago pain. Since finding out 2 says ago, I’ve had a constant migraine headache. My appetite is low, I’m extra depressed, but I keep doing my daily exercises and I’m doing s little better.

    THERE IS HOPE!! not rainbows and pots of gold type hope, but I now have a will to live that is stronger that ever before!! (Still very weak compared to a normal person, but better - for me)

    Please pleas please tell your parents!! You can get help!!! I want to help you, please let me help you!!

    We all love you and want you safe!!
     
    Last edited: May 26, 2018
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  11. MasterRoshi

    MasterRoshi Fapstronaut

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    Also, if part of your depression is caused by guilt and shame over what you’ve looked at with porn or done in real life sexually, there’s hope for that too!!

    Trust me, I have 60 days sober from all PMO, and I was ready to kill myself or get castrated because of what I did and looked at.

    My addiction is getting better and the cycle of endless pain caused by PMO addiction is finally ending.
     
  12. rostronaut

    rostronaut Nofap Moderator
    Staff Member

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    Hello,

    I’m sorry to hear that you are struggling. Rebooting has its ups and downs, just like life. We see many people experiencing both the ups and downs during the reboot, and though it may be hard to see now, these feelings you are having won’t last forever. It will get better with time, if you are patient and wait.

    In the meantime, please seek professional help. I know the idea of calling a helpline might terrify you, but in times of crisis, we often need someone their to put our lives in perspective. So please contact someone who can help and don’t hang up on them. The International Association for Suicide Prevention maintains a list of suicide prevention hotlines for countries all over the world. Also, if you don’t feel up to actually talking to someone on the phone, unsuicide maintains a list of online Instant Messaging and chat suicide prevention resources.

    You are not alone in this. There are ways to treat depression. Please contact people that can help you. Being depressed often makes it feel like you don’t have any more options. But that is a lie. That is just the depression talking. These feeling you have won’t last forever. We are in this with you, and we will all be cheering for you to get through this!
     
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