Just relapsed and I feel like this is an impossible battle

Discussion in 'Porn Addiction' started by lordram17, Jan 6, 2018.

  1. lordram17

    lordram17 Fapstronaut

    Yes, I am fishing for some sympathy and support from whoever is out there reading this. And yes, this is another one of those typical 'I relapsed! HELP! I need someone to remind me stuff that I already know because in some weird way that actually helps a lot' posts.

    I literally cried after I relapsed today. It wasnt even that long a streak, around 5 days or something. But it drove me crazy. I literally havent felt this bad in my life after jerking off.

    More than anything, I just felt fucking helpless. I felt like such a fucking failure. Just before relapsing I felt the presence of that other side of me that I dread. I felt that other side take over slowly till I did not control myself anymore. And when I returned to my normal self after everything was over, I felt so powerless against that other guy.

    Right now I feel like this other side of myself is always going to keep me a failure at whatever I do. I am depressed at the thought of me being my own biggest enemy. And no matter how much I try to fight it, somehow the other guy is always there and ready to creep up on me when I am least vigilant. And it totally makes sense, because just this morning I was of the opinion that I am so happy about quitting PMO and I am never going back to the evil habit of fapping to porn. I was so naively sure about my intensions that right now it almost feels like a funny tragedy.

    Thats what worries me. Its the fear that no matter how much I resolve, and no matter how determined and absolute I feel in the moment, the odds are against me and there is a big chance that I am going to end up fapping again.
    Deleted Account likes this.
  2. Onehope

    Onehope Fapstronaut

    I just have to ask, do you search for triggering material?

    What are your hobbies?

    Why do you want to reboot?
  3. Have you tried to focus on your diet. You know, diet is the main cause of our all problems..try to be a fruitarian or raw vegan for few days and check if it helps..
    Dillby-dude likes this.
  4. rishi123

    rishi123 Fapstronaut

    do workout daily and meditation..........workout lifting weights..put yours hormones in control
    Deleted Account likes this.
  5. I found it today that lifting weights made me more aggresive and caused hormonal imbalance. It increased my testosterone to a level and got many erections..
  6. lordram17

    lordram17 Fapstronaut

    Nope, I dont purposefully search for triggering material. But unfortunately mainstream media is full of it. Apparently, sex sells so why not put it in everything.

    My hobbies? I dont really have a lot of hobbies. But I do want to make a career out of video game development. And until today (because I feel helpless and depressed) I diligently take time out everyday towards walking that one step towards my goal.

    I want to reboot because I feel like porn is messing up my brain. It is wasting too much time. And more than anything, it is way too distracting.
  7. lordram17

    lordram17 Fapstronaut

    My family is vegetarian so I have never really eaten meat in my entire life.
  8. rishi123

    rishi123 Fapstronaut

    Solutions for your problem will be there somewhere in this nofap forum threads....so just read them relevant to you
    Deleted Account likes this.
  9. Vegetarian doesnt matter. Even vegetarians eat junk foods and many other stimulants. A pure raw vegan diet is necessary for we fapstronauts..
  10. Its a general thing bro..its not a problem..lifting increase testosterone and it causes sexual urges
    Deleted Account likes this.
  11. Onehope

    Onehope Fapstronaut

    Try to avoid sites that show random triggering material, sometimes its best if you try to unplug from social media, focus on new hobbies to keep you busy, and obsess yourself with your goals and think of nothing else.
  12. iaj

    iaj Fapstronaut

    Millions of people play golf but very few of them ever get a hole in one... It's going to take multiple attempts my friend.

    But you're already doing so well by being on here, blogging and even crying. Crying (and being brave enough to admit it) is surrendering and releasing tension from your body. It's also an act of acceptance. Accept the shitty situation for what it is. And 'that other side of yourself' that you refer to only exists while the addiction or habit exists. While you fear 'that other side', it also fears you. Because you have the power to give up and you're already awesome for trying.

    You're welcome to read some of my threads as I've shared content around benefits, habits and top tips.
    Kikobraz likes this.
  13. StayingFocused

    StayingFocused New Fapstronaut

    Bro, you slipped you haven’t fallen.

    Every journey has slips. Just think of how many times you’ve watched porn. Now, you have chosen to go against a routine you never even thought about. This slip, before you wouldn’t have even thought was a slip, you may not have even noticed.

    You’re coming out of the addiction and the fact that you are upset over single incidents shows you are getting better.

    Tie your shoes, check your equipment and get back on the track to freedom. Freedom is real, it’s not a myth.
    Paperweight likes this.
  14. Paperweight

    Paperweight Fapstronaut

    Perhaps you just lack self awareness? I'm joking!

    Could you describe this "other guy" (I'm curious), is he malicious? Or just selfish and sneaky? What does it's presence feel like--how do you recognise it?

    People have spoken about demon possession for millennia, and I think in large part they were talking about the struggle against ourselves, that specific part of us that exists simply to absorb environmental cues and move us accordingly. We absorbed innapropriate signals from an artificial environment that our brain adapted to, and now we have this "demon" (our brain's natural functions turned destructive) to battle against, and hopefully one day exorcise or at least control.

    What makes it especially demonic is that it seems to have it's own sly agenda and to be very adroit at manipulating the "real us". But of course, we are evolved to listen to this part of ourselves--in fact not even that, we are evolved to unconsciously obey it, and to ascribe it's influence to conscious choice after the fact.

    Have you considered the possibility that your lax optimism was partly the work of this other part of you, precisely to create an opportunity for itself? And now the reason for your depression is to get you to give up resistance to it more completely?
  15. NotSoAverageJoe

    NotSoAverageJoe Fapstronaut

    Take the addiction seriously... join a 12 steps group, seek therapy/ counselling, figure out what caused the addiction in the first place. Read the book In The Realm of Hungry Ghosts by Dr Gabor Mate if you want to fully understand addiction.

    Realize that relapse is a normal part of addiction recovery. No one can suddenly stop an addiction and never relapse, for relapse is the very definition of addiction.

    See if you can allow yourself to cry the next time you have an urge or craving, express your emotions instead of repressing through addiction.

    Step One: Relabel
    This involves relabeling the addictive urge for what it is and what it isn’t. The urge is not telling you to do something that you “need” to do. It is merely my addiction talking. The urge is not pointing to any reality that must be acted on. It is crucial to develop a mindful attention to this truth and writing down these truths can be extremely helpful.

    Step Two: Reattribute
    This step answers the question: so what IS the urge about? The urge is simply my brain on autopilot in ways that echo unmet emotional needs from long ago. Blame the urge on your brain. The urge is your brain signaling “I want more dopamine or endorphins” and telling you an old reliable way of getting them. But there are much better sources of dopamine and endorphins that don’t have all the negative consequences of the addiction. Be clear, the addictive behavior will not satisfy a single real need.

    Step Three: Refocus
    This step could have been called: Delay. Simply delay doing the addictive behavior by doing anything else that you enjoy. See if you can buy yourself just 15 minutes. And if you can’t manage that, then go for 5. Set a timer, “I’m going to go play guitar for 15 minutes and then I’ll decide if I’m going to act out or not.” Physical activity is especially helpful.

    Step Four: Revalue
    This step should be called: Devalue. You get clear on how the addiction has screwed up your life. Remember how your addiction promised connection but left you isolated and lonely. It promised happiness and left you feeling shame and despair. It has robbed you of time, respect of family, career success, friendships, and peace of mind. It is a dirty, rotten, lying, thief and it wants to rob you again.

    Step Five: Re-create
    Maté added this step to Schwartz’s four. What do you choose to create in the absence of your addiction? Distinctive to human nature is the capacity to create: music, art, poetry, new ideas, even furniture for your house! Write down your values and intentions. If you had no limitations, what would you choose to do? Then figure out a way to go do some part of that. If you had no limitations, you’d take a trip around the world? Well, grab your best friend and go on a trip this evening or this weekend into a part of your neighborhood you’ve yet to see.
    Kikobraz likes this.
  16. Dillby-dude

    Dillby-dude Fapstronaut

    You should check out this dude on YouTube. https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCVNxAbNSubtX6YPRZGy-hzA
    He really pushes the idea that porn gets you nowhere in life and helps you to accept that. I literally sat there for 8 hours listening to this guy before my last reboot and it helped me to approach nofap with a whole new mindset.
  17. soberhenry

    soberhenry Fapstronaut

    Try to write about every relapse, you tend to learn from doing this. Also, for me I learned to fight the addiction at it's source, my thoughts. Once I learned that I can't ever fantasize about sex I started to have some success. There are still challenges but I don't feel powerless anymore.

    Sow a thought, reap an action; sow an action, reap a habit; sow a habit, reap a character; sow a character, reap a destiny.
  18. rishi123

    rishi123 Fapstronaut

  19. LilD

    LilD Fapstronaut

    Hey lordram17, I just wanted to support you.

    You are not a failure just because you relapse. Addiction is a disease, so it is expected that you have some unpleasant symptoms, but it's not your fault. You can only control your recovery process, not the disease. Even if you have a simple disease like a cold, it doesn't go away just because you wish so, but you can take actions to help your organism.

    The single thing that helped me the most with my (several) addictions, depression, and anxiety is asking for help and just talking about myself with other people. Sometimes they don't even suggest any solutions, they just listen to me and tell their own stories. And yet it helps because I don't feel lonely anymore.

    Skimming through the thread I noticed some people suggest things like changing diets, and I want to say that it surprises me that someone believes that psychological problems can be cured with non-psychological methods. It's like recommending to go swimming when you have cancer. Changing a diet would probably only help with dietary, digestive, and weight problems. But I'm not a doctor, so what do I know? ;)
    dundleup likes this.
  20. dundleup

    dundleup Fapstronaut

    Hey lordram17, as you can see based on my counter, I'm in the same boat. Just wanted to with you luck and all the best.

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