Just scared of rejection I suppose.

Discussion in 'Loneliness' started by rgm, Mar 8, 2020.

  1. rgm

    rgm Fapstronaut

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    I never try to make a move or show that I'm into someone because I'm scared of being rejected.
    At the same time I'm not even sure anymore who I'm attracted to or if I just get infatuated with hot girls due to my addiction.
    Every time I'm on a streak and a hot girl gives me attention or I see a girl that I think is open to me approaching her.. I never end up approaching.
    This pends up and I almost always end up relapsing that same day.

    The few good relationships I've had were early on and I screwed those up myself.
    After that I never tried approaching again and every girl since has been one that approached me.
    But honestly most of the girls that approached me ended up having issues and those relationships just end up burning at some point.
    I feel like girls that don't have them tend to approach less/not at all?

    I used to be a bit chubby, very insecure and anxious.
    My life has mostly turned around and I think I look pretty good right now, because I lost weight and started taking proper care of myself.

    But damn I can't get out of this loop of relapsing...

    My feelings of loneliness just feed the relapsing.
    But relapsing is probably detrimental to me and not doing so would help me fix that loneliness. But then my fear of rejection just brings me right back to loneliness..
    Doesn't help that I'm a perfectionist either & got ADHD so end up impulsively PMO'ing.
     
    palindromo likes this.
  2. Free your mind

    Free your mind Fapstronaut

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    Similar here.. Yes, we have to work on it. Getting out of our comfort zone boosts our self esteem, probably testosterone too and girls find that attractive. We have to improve.
     
  3. p1n1983

    p1n1983 Fapstronaut

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    You don´t have to wait for the girl to approach you, that´s the mans job. You also don´t have to approach every woman that you like, most of them wont like you back and you will get rejected a lot and you will feel bad about yourself.
    You have to pay attention, girls that like you will put themself in your orbit, close to you, look at you or even smile. If you see those sings and you like the girl, just approach to her and ask questions about her an let her speak a lot. Because she is interested in you she is not going to reject you at least you said something really stupid.
     
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  4. Everybody feels that at times NO ONE LIKES TO BE REJECTED but its a part of dating. You just have to push threw it, i have slept with a few women and i still get nervous when i ask them out and dont like be rejected its called being HUMAN.
     
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  5. rgm

    rgm Fapstronaut

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    I've meditated/thought on this quite a bit since this post and read a book.
    The thing I feel is my problem is that I'm scared to be vulnerable.
    And to do something where I can get rejected would mean making myself vulnerable.
    I will have to work on this.

    And yes you're right, it's part of being human to feel those things and to get rejected.
    I need to start lowering my shields and start living more, express myself and just do.
     
  6. takingthejourney

    takingthejourney Fapstronaut

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    Just approach dont overthink it go after what you want keep doing NoFap to build your energy
     
    Last edited: Mar 10, 2020
    Reborn16 likes this.
  7. Reborn16

    Reborn16 Fapstronaut

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    It sounds like you're well on your way man.

    The fear or anxiety we feel when approaching a girl is natural. In fact, it's one of those cave man biological fears, where we think we have 1 or 2 chances to find a mate in our lifetime - no wonder it can feel stressful! Acknowledging that this is not a rational fear is important.

    This is explained better in this short video here:

    Secondly, it might help you by slowly increasing the level of your interactions with women you see every day.

    You can start by just asking if they know where a store is, or what time it is, or what they think of something that's happening on the street. Basically just get comfortable approaching an attractive woman and starting conversations again. Then when that's easy, start approaching and showing interest.

    This stair stepping approach is detailed in a book called 'Models', which you may find interesting as it is based around being vulnerable and honest with dating.

    Your story is very familiar. I've tried working on myself a bit recently, and I've also had ground hog day where I feel good, want to approach a cute girl, and then don't and find myself wondering what I'm doing wrong.

    If you feel you're ready to get back in the game, I encourage you to just get out there man, best of luck!
     
    justafriend likes this.
  8. justafriend

    justafriend Fapstronaut

    Take a look at psychologist Brene Brown’s books on this subject (Daring Greatly etc). She also has TED Talks.
     
  9. rgm

    rgm Fapstronaut

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    @Reborn16 Models is actually the book I'm reading right now!
    I do have a lot of interaction with girls at my school (in my class mostly of course).
    The thing is that I'm honestly quite comfortable talking with girls in general, and I'm friends with a lot of them. The problem I think is explained well in that book.
    As soon as I'm interested or she's very hot/my type interaction just gets hard for me and I tend to avoid or not be myself.

    @justafriend
    I'm actually studying psychology right now, so very interested in psychology. I will make sure to watch the TED talks/read the book as soon as I got the time!

    By the way I decided to not make moves/get interested in classmates (decided this when I started this study) unless I'm REALLY interested & she shows the same (hasn't happened so far).
    The reason being both not wanting to be distracted from my study, don't want awkward stuff at school and decided that building a good social circle was the best play.

    I do look fine/good although I'm lacking in muscle mass and still have some forward head posture going on.
    The thing I don't really do aside from the approaches (because I do get in contact with girls naturally), is showing my sexual intention/escalating on a girl.
    Probably a combination of cultural pressure making me feel I'd "bother" a girl, not wanting to be a creep and of course scared to be vulnerable/rejected.

    I guess the girls that are into me also end up being my friend since I show zero attraction. Don't think any of them are considered girls I'd be really into anyway and it would just mostly be because of loneliness and taking what I can get, which isn't the right reason anyway I'd say (and definitely not when they're at my school)
     
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  10. Reborn16

    Reborn16 Fapstronaut

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    Nice one! I'm sure you'll get a lot out of it, as it does cover these things quite well IMO. I read it earlier last year and find myself coming back to it now for certain chapters to keep the info fresh (it's funny how much I've forgotten or must have read on autopilot.)

    Again I feel your story. Talking to girls in class, easy. Going on a date, got nerves but can go well if there's a connection. It's mainly that initial meeting a new attractive girl part that feels like a big step.

    Some parts of modern society do make it confusing to be an attractive man, while somehow not offending anyone or coming across as 'creep' or whatever. I'm going to drop one more video on you if that's okay - it is quite relevant on that topic. TL:TD becoming a high quality man + pursuing high quality women = much lower chance of bullshit.



    I think you might also enjoy trying your approaching in a setting well away from your studies. Beach, park, shops, anything like that. Purely to get out of that mindset of "I'm going to see this girl in class every other day, or see that one in the library again for sure, not worth risking the potential social embarrassment." Sound familiar?

    There's heaps of great girls at my college, and maybe one day I'll put myself out there in that setting. But at least when getting back into it, it's way easier to be less invested with a girl at some public setting where you can almost be certain you'll never both meet again (unless on course it's meeting on a date!). Much easier in that public setting, to polarise her and show you're not interested in friends only, by just saying "hi you're cute, I had to meet you, what's your name?".
     

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