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Just told my wife about my addiction.... could use some words of encouragement

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by sarkkadarkkaa, Jun 10, 2016.

  1. sarkkadarkkaa

    sarkkadarkkaa New Fapstronaut

    hi everyone,
    Im having a bit of anxiety as i write this but i feel it will be good to get it out there.
    I have always struggled with porn addiction. It has been a problem since i was about 7 or 8 years old. It has gone though light periods and dark periods. for the last few months I have been in a dark time. My wife knows nothing about it either but she does feel neglected and is not receiving the love and attention she deserves. She left for a small vacation with her girlfriends and I was back at it again. Until it finally hit me. last night it HIT me. ive been chasing this bullshit my whole life, for what?! temporary dopamine releases. lame. So anyways i was chatting with my wife online this morning and i just let it out. told her about the addiction, told her about my new plan to not PMO. I want a healthy sex life, i need one, she needs one.
    She is upset with how far i let things get with our relationship. I really neglected her. She has even mentioned getting a divorce. not because of PMO directly, but i think all the negative things that have happened, occurred because of PMO.
    today is the first day on my journey and im nervous i wont make it. can you guys please give me advice and words of wisdom. I'm embarrassed and ashamed of myself.
    Cockyau, jfromcr and Rav70 like this.
  2. Hey Sarkka,

    Well, you've done something brave and honest - that's something to be proud of, not embarrassed and ashamed. Hopefully that'll be the start of sorting out your relationship.

    I wish you well on your journey. There's lots of good information out there (better than I can give, I think), and I'd start by taking a look at that. I watched this video today (I really like both of these guys) and both of these recovered addicts suggest looking in depth at Your Brain on Porn as a good starting place. I always find it a useful thing to do - facts kill fear!

    Have a good day, Sarkka. I wish you well.
    oversexedsami likes this.
  3. ILoathePwife

    ILoathePwife Fapstronaut

    I'm a wife and I'm so glad you told her. The anger and grief is completely normal. There is a group for significant others she may want to join her. Also, read my journal for things we are doing to help us regain the connection that P destroyed. There is hope. I have to go now, but I wanted to make sure to tell you I read this and I'm pulling for both of you!
    ivanhoe likes this.
  4. You did right telling your wife, mate. This is a habit that thrives on hiding and lies. Ditching the hiding and lies will go a long way to kicking this barmy beast.

    Advice and wisdom, well, I guess I would advise be aware of the lies you will tell yourself. It's not just her you've been lying to, it's yourself. Things like "just one more time" "it's been a rough day, I'll have a little peek then be done with it" things like that. There is no "just one more time". Adopt the porn is not an option mindset.

    Beware of your triggers. Anger, frustration, stress, boredom, social media, nude scenes in movies, being alone in the house, being in the bathroom with the celly in your pocket, etc. Whatever sets you off with thoughts to use, remain aware of what those are and conscious of them so that when they crop up, you can push through them.

    Stay always present in your mind. No auto piloting.

    As far as the wife goes, reassure her that porn has nothing to do with her. They aren't prettier, better, hotter, it's a bad habit that has been ingrained into your life long before you even met her. This is a you thing, not a her thing.

    Good luck to you, mate. You'll get great support here. Welcome aboard.
  5. i_wanna_get_better1

    i_wanna_get_better1 Fapstronaut

    Never regret tell her. It was the right thing to do. There is going to be some fall-out because of this, but it's part of taking responsibility for your life. All of us eventually have to pay for what we have done... some of us have been lucky enough to have our spouses stick with us.

    As you go through recovery you will discovery many things about yourself - why you got addicted in the first place, how your addiction has affected all the relationships around you, and how you use porn to medicate your negative emotions. Your wife will have to go through a healing process as well. She will have feelings of betrayal, anger, or maybe numbness. She rightfully is allowed to have those feelings and it becomes our responsibility to rectify the situation.

    When your wife comes home you need to have an open, honest, and frank discussion with her. Answer whatever questions she asks no matter how embarrassing they may be. Don't overload her with details unless she wants them - some wives want to hear it all right away and start dealing with it from Day 1 and others can only handle a little bit at a time. Don't purposefully omit important information. Have frequent, meaningful discussions every day. Acknowledge that you've violated her trust and that you are going to work on fixing that. Take responsibility. Apologize. Recognize you've hurt her. Show her concrete steps you are taking to get better. Offer to see a therapist either alone or together.

    Lots of us have gone through the same situation you are just starting. It is possible for you and your marriage to recover. The healing process cannot start until this secret comes out of the shadows and you've already taken that step. You've finally woken up... millions of other men never even make it that far.
    TheWife, Rav70 and TheSumOfAllBeers like this.
  6. Rav70

    Rav70 Fapstronaut

    You did the right thing!
  7. jfromcr

    jfromcr Fapstronaut

    Hey @sarkkadarkkaa,

    Welcome to the fight! I wrote about this here, so I won't write a lot of extra stuff. Send me a private message and we can talk some more. There are a lot of great guys here that will support you.

    I also wrote about how to apologize, but that is more humorous and probably not appropriate here.
  8. sarkkadarkkaa

    sarkkadarkkaa New Fapstronaut

    thank you! its nice to hear this from a womens perspective.
    she is very upset still and feels like she is not good enough. this is entirely expected and im trying to explain that i love her and find her attractive but it doesnt really explain why i always went to porn.
  9. sarkkadarkkaa

    sarkkadarkkaa New Fapstronaut

    Wow Beer you nailed it buddy. thank you very much for the reply. The triggers you listed are all spot on.
    anger - a little dopamine always helped
    Frustration - a little dopamine helped clear the head
    boredom - hey why not i have nothing else to do. It actually became a hobby.
    social media - instagram chicks always had me turning
    being alone - first time i was alone since giving up pmo i felt the temptation hard!
    bathroom with cell - this is my guilty pleasure and i have resorted to blocking all the nsfw content on my reddit app

    But you are right. no auto piloting. being present is really key.

    I also have a lot of projects to complete so i will be distracting myself with those.

    thanks again.
  10. sarkkadarkkaa

    sarkkadarkkaa New Fapstronaut

    Thanks for the reply. Her feelings are whats killing me now. I have accepted i need to change and im moving forward with it. but she now suffers all you listed, betrayal, anger and numbness. im not sure what i need to do to help her but i think time may heal all wounds.
  11. TheWife

    TheWife Distinguished Fapstronaut

    You did the right thing. It may take some time for things to turn around and to get better for you both, so prepare to be patient. Show your wife how much you love her. Be calm, understanding and listen to her. She'll need as much support as you do. I wish you and your wife all the best.
    ILoathePwife likes this.
  12. Chefbass

    Chefbass Fapstronaut

    those all great advice. I'm struggling with this as well. I've betrayed her and just realizing being honest with myself is a good start. I started listnening to some pod cast and that helped a lot. this is probably the best place you can be. tons of great people here to help. good luck on your journey
  13. KO2509

    KO2509 Fapstronaut

    I work with women who have been hurt by their partners porn use but I was also a partner myself a few years ago so I know exactly what she is going through.

    Her feelings are going to be overwhelming her but the most important thing that she needs from you is to know that you are there for her. She might want to push you away at times but you are the one who can best help her heal from this. Some tips from me would be;

    1) Give her all the time she needs - recovery should be thought of in terms of months or years not weeks

    2) Let her be honest, angry or sad with you. She needs to know that you can honour her pain/feelings and not judge her for it.

    3) Honesty - I can't stress this enough, seriously. Don't ever hide porn from her, even if you relapse tell her straight away and talk it out. Don't think that you should keep it from her because if she finds it you will totally undermine the amazing work you've done so far in taking this huge step and it will be 10x harder to rebuild the trust

    4) Honesty - so important I'm going to put it twice...

    5) Let her talk, talk and then talk some more. She will want to understand how this has happened and will need to talk about how it is affecting her. It will be hard for you to hear but I promise it will make the both of you so much closer than ever before if you work on this as a team.

    It is worth getting professional help (for both of you) if you can afford it. Make sure you find someone who specialises in this area as sometimes well meaning therapists can really bugger things up because they don't understand the issue!

    And finally, remember always that although you might have caused this pain, you are going to be able to heal it. You are the one she will want to turn to, the one she will want to help her and you can do that. Read everything you can on the subject (from both sides) so you know what you are going through and what she is going through.

    The hard times are what make us who we are meant to be, not just as individuals but as a couple too. There is a better marriage waiting on the other side of this, a more honest, open and trusting marriage. You just need to get through all the shitty stuff first I'm afraid :)

    cantcopeanymore likes this.
  14. MsPants

    MsPants Guest

    Keep in mind that this addiction has caused you to keep silent about your feelings. That is a huge problem once we find out about our husbands addiction. It seems to block communication of feelings. That is something our husbands don't know how to do and it drives our insecurities when we know about the addiction. Be as open and honest as possible, especially with your feelings. This will help your wife heal and begin to trust you. This addiction causes thinking distortions and a lack of empathy in many addicts and that is probably the biggest issue for me right now with my fiancée. He is slowly beginning to think about how I feel with some of the major things he has done in the past with the help of a counselor. If his perceptions don't change and cannot begin to empathize with me about some of his actions with his addiction, but also other issues, I will not continue to invest in reconciliation. I can no longer live with his faulty misconceptions. Ask your wife what she needs from you and try to think about how she feels day to day and be open
    zauvek likes this.
  15. Ikindaknew

    Ikindaknew Fapstronaut

    Letting her know is a good thing. Telling her ONLINE was not the best move. She might bring it up with the other girls and get biased opinion. Or she might come back where the other girls expericne the same with their husband and feel that its "normal"? YMMV.

    You'll have to work things out with her, she will feel bad about it. You will need her support. She will most likely get back in time and associate things to porn watching.

    You two, after your over the initial shock, will get better.

    First of all, you will need to watch videos on YOURBRAINONPORN.COM, and re-watch the vids with her. She has to understand its not just a "perversion", its a genuine addiction.


    Go read this and practice this with her:


    you may also read on Karezza and see if it could be good for you in the long run.

    The goal is to stop binging on cheap thrills like porn, end the period of selfishness (self-pleasure) and re-learn how to love and make love to her.
    If she benefits, you'll be fine. Offer massages, cook her a good meal, etc..

    I can tell you that I have more sex and a lot more rewarding relationship with my wife since I stopped PMO'ing....I'm clean since the X-ams holidays now!
    I always keep my guard up, never watch p-subs and avoid objectification of women.
    MsPants and zauvek like this.

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