Kill your HOCD, my dudes. Long post.

Discussion in 'Problematic Sexual Behavior' started by pafon55, May 16, 2019.

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  1. pafon55

    pafon55 Fapstronaut

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    Hello, my dudes. My name is pafon55 and I'm a porn addict. Like you I have been delving into pornography for a long time. I started jerking off way before i actually knew what sex even was cause a friend of mine told me he found this one trick with his dick and it felt very nice. I have not skipped a day since. And like almost everyone on this forum I have found myself dealing with thoughts and or fantasies that I for myself find disturbing, unwelcoming - yet ! arousing. Now. I have OCD. Not talking about HOCD here i have the full blown thing OCD and it did manifest also in HOCD. It is a hellish thing and I wouldn't wish it to my worst enemy. I am still struggling with it to an extent. In fact a small episode inspired me to write this post, because I thought myself how to deal with the outbursts of anxiety, fear, etc. Now I am not a medical doctor. I do not know what you're going through and I cannot know. If you believe that you could need medical help - FIND MEDICAL HELP. I will tell you a few things that really helped me PERSONALLY to combat my disorder. I truly, truly wish that what I am about to write helps you see through the poison that are intrusive thoughts.
    Step 1: Stop watching porn - This one's pretty self-explanatory, even though in my personal experience it is the most difficult one. I personally have not completely removed pornography from my life but I am heading there. Every time I've gone for 2 weeks of no porn and start asking myself how I even could think of the thinks that disturbed me, and then every time I binge-out or simply reintroduce porn into my life - the thoughts come back.
    Step 2: Meditation - I have never thought that meditation would help me so much. The ones I do are called mindfulness meditations. They teach you to allow thoughts to simply go through your mind without your constant screening them and controlling them. Through those you also start realizing that thoughts are nothing, they do not mean anything - You are not simply your thoughts. Through meditation I managed to get through my worst times of my HOCD episodes and I hope it can help you too.
    Step 3: See through the delusion. - I used to think that I was gay without knowing it somehow, then I thought I was bi, then I read this very interesting post here about Straight men having sexual encounters with other men, yet still claiming they're heterosexual. I found my situation very similar to that post. I have not had sexual encounters with other men nor do I plan on, but the constant doubts in my head that were caused by OCD (Because OCD plays on your doubt mechanism in your brain, of your fears, of your core mammalian drives) and I started realizing that these thoughts (even though they would bring me arousal) are immaterial, they are illusions. It is very easy to fool the mind and it is even easier to arouse a man. AROUSAL DOES NOT EQUAL ATTRACTION OR EVEN SEXUALITY. We are a big bunch of Pavlovian dogs here. We hear sex or porn - we get aroused. Just every time you get arousing thoughts that you don't want. First just let them be, just let them be in your mind, let them lose their initial power and then slowly just observe them. Don't judge them, don't scrutinize them, just observe them and you might just start seeing through the illusion that your own brain has made for you.
    Step 3.5: Compulsions. OCD means Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, the H in it stands for Homo (or it even happens) Heterosexual. Do not give in to any compulsion that you're facing at this exact time. In fact for me a compulsion was every time that I felt great anxiety I would come here on NoFap. Problem was because I gave in to the compulsion to come here JUST TO COMPARE MYSELF TO OTHER ADDICTS (which i actually feel terrible for) I kept on my obsession going. I see people that have gone and had sexual encounters that go against what they believe to be their sexuality. I respect and support every sexual orientation, but if you truly believe and KNOW (Not because of anything your parents told you or your preacher at church !) what your sexuality is and what you find a healthy way of expressing it and not expressing your mental weakness - then just hold on and do not feed the compulsion because you're also feeding the obsession and it just never ends. Find an accountability partner or a friend or family to help you if you find it impossible. I at first had to do a conscious effort not to visit this website and then once my obsession decreased drastically I actually forgot that this website exists - even though I'm reading the YourBrainOnPorn book and NoFap.com is mentioned by name constantly ! It is possible to control these obsessions and compulsions and not the other way around !
    Step 4: Exposure. - Now I will have assumed that you have stropped or drastically reduced your porn intake. If so then next time you go on the street and see a man ( I know that the initial response is to freak the fuck out and start telling yourself I'M NOT GAY, I'M NOT BI. But calm the fuck down, breath and LOOK at the man. Now don't be a creep and stare at him as if you're trying to read his mind. But look at the damn man and just rate him from 1 to 10. We do it to women all the time don't we ? You see a hottie you go damn, that's one hot 8 right there ! I want you to do the same to the man. Once you do it (cause lets be real, if a man is good looking, a man is good looking - nothing gay or bi about it beautiful people exists from both genders) just think to yourself did I purely rate this looks or his potential sex appeal ? It is highly likely that you just rated the man as though you've rated a statue - completely objectively. Nothing gay or bi or bla and bla and bla about finding a man good looking, hell you can even find them conventionally attractive - doesn't mean a god damn thing but the fact that you've seen a good looking person.
    Step 5: Desexualize your life - I am not saying stop thinking about sex or having sex. I am saying stop thinking ONLY ABOUT SEX. I guess i should have put this with Step 1 but for me personally they are not exactly the same thing. I love sex, i love sex with my girlfriend and I actually like thinking about it every now and then, but in my worst times of going through this HOCD thing I noticed that I was only thinking about sex and more like Pornographic-esque Sex scenes. This is not who I am. I'm even very conservative when it comes to sex. I don't wanna try any freaking things, I don't want threesomes, hell I don't even want to do my gf anally. But because of my porn addiction just the good old thought of having great sex with my girl friend was not enough. I NEEDED MORE DAMN IT ! So I realized that all these thoughts of sexual nature were just my brain needing its fix. In fact I get more of these thoughts the first week of NoFap and the second one I actually need to induce them myself in order to go : All yeah that's what I was freaking out over - just to start freaking out again and the cycle of my sad life continues :) !. So how to desexualize your life ? If you have instagram or what ever your social media of choice is remove all the sexy people you follow, and how about start following some dogs or memes ? It sounds dumb, it sounds childish and naive - it works ! Also when you see women on the street - instead of doing the 1 to 10 on the bang-able scale just think to yourself - wow that was a very beautiful woman and go about your day. If you see a man that's good looking (chances are you're not going to think the exact same as when you see the woman) but don't start freaking out just chill. If the dude looks good - ok move on.

    I hope what I wrote was somewhat helpful. I did not write this down in advance it's just something that has been on my mind for a while now - ever since I actually started getting better and feeling better most importantly. I am not out of the water just yet and it took my what felt like an eternity to start getting the hang of my own damn mind. I've been struggling with these thoughts for 8 months now and I guess counting. But i truly see the exit and I'll be damned if I don't get out ! Be strong my brothers and my sisters of all sexualities and backgrounds. I respect all of your struggles and wish you good luck and good mental and sexual health in your future.
    With much love !

    Here are some of my favourite meditations:




     
    Last edited: May 16, 2019
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  2. selfimprovement8008

    selfimprovement8008 Fapstronaut

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    sInce nobody has commented I will first off thank you for a sincere post and well written might I add. I struggle with just irrational thoughts too and sexualize everythingh that im fatigued meditation and prayer helped me and the rule to move on is the key its called protect your gaze in islam one look is fine but the second look is not
     
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  3. selfimprovement8008

    selfimprovement8008 Fapstronaut

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    by one look i mean by accident or just happen to be there not full on conciously staring
     
  4. Xaviar.marshall

    Xaviar.marshall Fapstronaut

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    I'm 17 and my whole life as far as I can remember I have liked girls..ever since my brothers showed me porn at the ripe old age of 9 years old I have been hooked...it would get out of hand I would want my female cousins to sit on my lap...because I liked it the feeling of a female body on mines...this was at the age of 10 years old mind u ....so I grew out of that weird ass phase and I began to watch porn alot...first I went from ass jobs..to titty fuck to penetration...then later along the lines I found that getting boring so I ventured into more hardcore material like face fucking..and I did watch hentai and 3d shemale porn alot to..so then the fateful day, the day that my hocd symptoms kicked in...I was in the middle of watching porn and my best buddy said he was gonna write a song about me...and I felt myself holding back a smile...then BOOM, the floodgates of questioning myself came into play...i would question myself..have nervous breakdowns in my bathroom.. review my past and see if I showed any signs of early gayness..then the what i hope is hocd began to manifest in a weird way. I began to fear certain things, like I could not wear a certian shirt or color shirt or I would turn gay..or I have to carry change in my pockets or I would make my self do certian tasks like I have to finish writing this word before my music finishes..and I would feel good if I did the task. I also began to worry that this new kid thought I was gay or was gay himself because he would constantly look at me from the other side of the room. Then I would check if I was attracted to dudes by looking at them and seeing if my pupils were dilated. I often looked up internalized homophobia, how do u know u are gay, can someone turn gay over night, etc.. I would stop hanging out with my bros in fear that I would devolpe feelings for them...I became isolated and didn't talk as much as I did..meanwhile before this i was girl crazy ..i had a type (a women who watched anime and i could be myself around her..nice slum body, long curly hair, and often light skinned) but then I began to realize that all girls of any color are attractive...but I loved curly hair. I was girl crazy and everyone knew..but I couldnt get a girl in highschool one girl did like me and said i was her boyfriend but i didn't like her like that I was just her friend in my eyes because I had the eyes for another girl so we dated for 5 minutes...in the 9th grade mind u..and I often said the reason for all these rejections if due to me not liking her and that God was punishing me..I just need help idk what to do any more ..I would often say "i like girls and I will always like girls". Then one day I woke up and the anxiety was not there so I was scared that ment I had indeed turned gay and I wanted the anxiety back...I need help idk if this is hocd.. I have not been diagnosed with hocd but I have it man...is this even hocd or am I just in denial...it have striped all sexual energy tword women away man ...one point was where I was noticing all the flaws on a women and idk what or y that happened...what do I do man I'm so scared I dont wanna be gay
     
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  5. lofi

    lofi Fapstronaut

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    Hey Man i feel your pain. The thing im trying to do is not being too attached to the Idea of a label such as HOCD.

    I Have been experiencing those anxious thoughts for 3 years i think. The worst Times are over for now. Never had a girlfriend so this amplified my anxiety.

    Had my first Time with a girl last year. It was such a rich experience. It was terrible. Trying to learn from that. The struggle is Real.
     
  6. hope2overcome_

    hope2overcome_ Fapstronaut

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    This is a great post. Ty my brother.
     
  7. pafon55

    pafon55 Fapstronaut

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    Hello my good dude. First of all relax. Pornography is a nasty beast like every addiction. You're pretty young and I can imagine how easily excited you can be - porn works exactly on that. Also from what you're writing it really sounds like HOCD. Again please know that I am no M.D. I am not educated to give you an assessment or to help you recover. All I can do is give my opinion. For a faster and better recovery route please consider a medical professional. Now what I do know from my own struggles and what I've read about OCD in general is that OCD plays on your own in-built doubt mechanism of the brain. It forces you to be unsure and to question, however, I have grown now to be able to understand when I am having an OCD episode and a genuine thought. I haven't mastered it and I have a lot to learn, but with practice it gets easier and sometimes I can weave a thought away without any difficulties just like any normal and calm person would. I advise you first to follow those few steps I listed above. Maybe for the time being do not do the Exposure step. But definitely do not use pornography. You're still a teen so I can imagine the desires for sexual activity at your age so if possible find a nice girl and connect to her but do not do it for the sole purpose of sex let that be secondary. If you wish to, do the meditations they have truly, truly helped me and they are great not only for anxiety for your current problem, but a great way to help your mind relax in general and even really good for falling asleep. But know that the more you freak out, the more you will continue to freak out. It is nothing but a cycle. The anxiety you feel fuels your HOCD. Anxiety can also cause arousal so every time while you're freaking out and you pose yourself a question like "Ok so if I see this dude/shemale would I have sex with him/her" the anxiety you're feeling at this moment will only cause arousal and spike your HOCD. So TLDR : Stop coming to this website so that you don't get triggered by anything. Cut off porn from your life for as long as you can. Stop questioning yourself - it is only a cycle you will not be able to logically find an answer. Do those meditations or just go for a walk any time you feel an anxiety attack. And if you wish to jerk off do it as few times a week as you can and without pornography. I wish you a successful recovery, my dude
     
  8. pafon55

    pafon55 Fapstronaut

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    Thank you. I'm very happy to hear that it was helpful.
     
  9. pafon55

    pafon55 Fapstronaut

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    Hey, my dude. What ever doesn't kill us makes us stronger. I like to sometimes think of these events as a blessing in disguise cause it teaches us about ourselves. Better to deal with such issues earlier rather than when it may be too late.
     
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  10. pafon55

    pafon55 Fapstronaut

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    Very interesting. I cannot say I've ever heard of such a thing, but what I do and what I'm going through has no religious intent behind it.
     
  11. selfimprovement8008

    selfimprovement8008 Fapstronaut

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    yes i see well regardless one look or the three second rule to look then quickly distract and look away ( its really hard to do especially for me in the gym where hot girls are working out per say )
     
  12. ivanhoe

    ivanhoe Fapstronaut

    This has been one of the best posts I have read on HOCD and fantasizing in general.

    some highlights for me:

    This is super important there are a lot of special interest groups that and idealogies that want to tell you that whatever sexual compulsion you may have = you...
    Some groups are SLOWLY beginning to recede but for example LGBTQ groups often advocate that any 'treatment' of ANY 'gay' feeling is 'wrong' because it's 'natural' >Anyone ho has developed a porn, fetish or PMO/FMO problem knows it is anything but!

    (there are still people in main stream media and society claiming porn addiction doesn't exist and we are all 'nuts' or 'repressing' ourselves because we try to control or change sex urges..)


    Great point. Even if you're refraining from PMO/FMO remember that our society sexualizes EVERYTHING. Sex is everywhere, fraudulent freudian psychology though widely refuted still effects thought patterns - 'oh you're buying a cucumber.. you must be really desire a penis!" -

    It's important to desexualize your needs - seek intimacy and even sensuality in nature, platonic friendships and platonic touch, platonic self care.

    If you're sex fantasies seem 'weird' or very different from what you feel in real life ask yourself what need is it trying to fulfill. and seek a HEALTHY way to fulfill it.

    Yes! HOCD sufferers will realize they no real life attraction to men ( and recognizing that some guy is good looking is not mean you're gay) and in fact was repulsed by the idea of sex in real life but self fantasizing and self stimulation - it becomes more comfortable probably because MO is really just YOU stimulating your on sex organ...
     
  13. Raikton

    Raikton Fapstronaut

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    Will be a complex post for me now.
    I will say that i started masturbating to porn very early,like when i was 12 years old,at the time where u were getting porn by bluetooth on cellphone.
    In the last 8 years i had 3 relationships with 3 girls.
    The first one lasted 6 years where for like 1 year and half or so,everything was perfect my life,both sexually and real life(university,sports,friends,etc).
    After that i got ill and started falling behind in my studies,even my relationship with my gf started to fall down,even cause she had a very rough depression period,and sex started to feel pretty bad,even her desire for me started falling down,and a lot of times we weren't even able to do it since i wasn't able to penetrate her since she wasn't wet at all,and didn't want me to anything except put my dick in,no touch no kiss etc,so from both university and this i started masturbating a lot more than before to porn too obviously.This was even worse considering my father started insulting me on a daily basis due to my university results.
    The more this went on the more my escalation went on normal porn-hentai-futanari-shemale-gay porn-humiliation porn.
    Even if i like girls i started fantasizing and masturbating a lot to the idea of sucking a dick and being humiliated in a lot of ways(piss,dick size humiliation and so on).And the point is that only since 2 months ago i started analyzing this.
    After that one i fell in love with a girl i met online in a videogame.I went to her house and we did have very good sex for like 3 hours or so in a row,this the 1st night i was at her place.The second day i caught a cold(cause she had the good idea that she wanted to sleep on me while i was covered in sweat without my shirt,with the window open in january).
    That said that night she wanted to have sex anycase even if had a very strong flu,i was barely able to stand up.For the most of it,i wasn't able to get a strong erection,and at a certain point she said "What kind of a man u are if u don't get excited in front of a naked girl",this sentence is still in my mind right now.Fact is 3 days later we had a discussion and she blocked me on every social etc,and considering it was an online relationship it ended there.
    In that year(2018) i got more and more depressed cause of this,and my PMO habits went even worse,i started anal masturbating a lot,and more and more in cuckolding and humiliation porn,even when i fantasized without porn i would fantasize of a friend of mine having a dick a lot bigger than mine(that in the reality it isn't true but in the fantasy it was),that would humiliate me with it.
    Now i'm in a relationship with a 3rd girl but we didn't have sex still,cause from all these years i developed a lot of performance anxiety,and she too had it some times so we still didn't do it.After the first failure i started this NoFap thing and i even decided i wouldn't masturbate anymore thinking about giving head,humiliation and etc.
    The first times i did this i felt wonderful even cause my life overall was getting better(better at sport,study,work,etc).This increased a lot my self esteem and my security about myself,in fact in this period i was in the car with her and had one of the strongest erection of my whole life,and without thinking of anything,porn,humiliation,etc.,i could go on for the entire night if i wanted to,i got aroused only by my senses.Unluckily we were in the car and she didn't want to do it in the car cause she doesn't like it.
    Time went on and my anxiety was getting worse and worse,prob cause PMO was my way to relieve it and everything.
    Then like 2 weeks after it happened,that thought crossed my mind and didn't go away since then,"Am i gay?".
    Since that moment my life became hell,cause i spend all the day questioning myself,notice every thing i do and the way i do it,even the way i see others is different my perception of people changed and i would constantly examine my body everytime i would see a man or a hot girl,had a thousand of intrusive thoughts of all types. Starting obsession like "what if those fantasies were ur true sexual orientation?" and things like these.
    Fact is when i was happy with my life i had 0 of these fantasies and lived my life happily even sex.So i'm starting to assume that my PMO habit about those things were my way to relieve the pain i had in real life,like after i wasn't able to do it anymore with my past gf and i wasn't desired sexually,i started humiliating myself in all way mentally and phisically as a way to turn pain in arousal,since now i don't feel at all the need to that anymore,but i have to find a way to deal with myself and my pain in another way.
    I spend all days now trying to give a sense to all this,cause i don't feel at all gay,even though at random times when i'm most stressed i feel like coming out even though i now it isn't true,i even thought about leaving my gf even if she is all i want in my life,but these is HOCD and thinking doesn't solve the problem,it only make it grows bigger.This is the result of poor self esteem trhough the years and bad sexual experiences,that in a obsessive guy like me brought to a mental collapse.
     
  14. hope2overcome_

    hope2overcome_ Fapstronaut

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    This is also a result of your dopamine seeking taking a different form. So, everything you said many many others have faced and I also to some extent. And, we all beat it for the most part.

    You know you aren't gay because you know, simply put. It wasn't until you watched porn that those feelings have taken hold. Yes, this is escalation, no doubt. yada yada yada.

    What I want to talk to you about is how to stop it.

    It's simple. It's all about dopamine. So, dopamine is the feel good chemical. Think of food when your super hungry, that mental cognizance of the food makes you feel a desire for eating that food. What's really going on there is dopamine. And, it tastes like sugar.

    You see, you secreted a lot of dopamine to gay porn femdom etc and now when your brain seeks dopamine it seeks out gay/femdom porn. Thats all there is to it.

    So, how to stop?
    Be aware that the brain isn't actually wanting the gay sex stuff, it's simply wanting dopamine. Plain and simple. So, when yu feel the sugary feeling of desire to watch porn, isolate that feeling and be aware that it's simple a dopamine rush. Ignore it, move on and it dies out. Later on it comes back stronger but continue to ignore it and more importantly, choose not to do it. That's how streaks happen.

    Feel happy you ever got to experience a relationship. I never did and Im kinda old.
     
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  15. Raikton

    Raikton Fapstronaut

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    Yes but recently I can tell you that even my emotions are starting to get numb in general and I'm a lot anxious about everything, can u imagine when talking to a guy the image of u kissing him without u wanting that thought? It's like my brain is melting recently, something Is surely happening but I fear it. Atm I look at girls even on instagram and I fear to feel no attraction, at the same time I look at guys and I fear to feel it. Something is changing for sure but idk if it's in the way I thought, maybe it's a reset phase idk. It still is pretty annoying to live like this at the moment.
     
  16. 5adn8m8

    5adn8m8 Fapstronaut

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    Thank you very much. This was both interesting and liberating... I can't thank you enough because I've been having the same doubts about my sexuality and reading your article gave me a lot of handy information about it.
    Meditation is the best tool to deal with PMO... Nothing can't compare! My longest streaks were those during which I meditated on a daily basis. Meditation and Yoga can help you in a great deal. Thanks again for posting this incredible post. Good luck mate.
     
  17. Xaviar.marshall

    Xaviar.marshall Fapstronaut

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    Hey um could u shed some light on this. So recently I have been on a never ending cycle of masterbating, and it's been getting harder and harder to get an erection. And I'm beginning to feel nothing when I see a women with nice tits or a fat ass it's almost like I have to force a feeling out of me...and it's hard to get back on track because when I get about 2 or 3 days in to the nofap I have to relapse or I feel like I'm gay ...I dont like penis I have never had a gay thought In my head at all. And this morning I woke up from a dream that I was inlove with a transgender Male and I jumped out my sleep...when I watch porn I get an erection fast but when I try to something different It takes force and onetime my penis went numb...I have these thoughts and I have been having these thoughts for over 4 months.
    It terrifies me that i could turn gay and everytime i bust, and hour later I feel gay...like I'm lacking my man hood. Can someone help me please
     
  18. pafon55

    pafon55 Fapstronaut

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    Hey man, I have been in quite literally that position as well. The thing is Anxiety can cause arousal, so what happens then is that the more anxious you are, the more those thoughts appear and the more you get confused cause anxiety is making you feel as though you're aroused and also cause of that cycle you're "losing" your attraction to women. When you start feeling less anxious and more calm and collected I guarantee you that your attraction to women will come back and that those thoughts of kissing men (even if they still come every now and then) just wont faze you, cause you're not interested in them. The problem of HOCD and Porn-induced HOCD sufferers is that we assume that such thoughts do not come in a normal person's mind. That's false. Everyone has them and i mean EVERYONE. The most homophobic person and straightest person on this planet has had gay thoughts. The difference is in classic HOCD and Porn-Induced HOCD is that our brains just immediately to arousal in the second case and in the classical one to pure anxiety that as I said can cause arousal and thus bring forth confusion. So until you find a way to reduce your panic and anxiety you will never manage to heal and see through the delusion that it is causing in your brain.
     
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  19. ivanhoe

    ivanhoe Fapstronaut

    Yes! We need to realize that a lot can 'wire in' to sexual arousal that are completely out of tune with your core identity and tastes.

    Also remember that one of the reasons for the incidous nature of porn, of Fantasy MO, of PMO is that it creates worlds and 'idea's that can't compare (in your head at least) to real life.. Pornographers - and your own addictive brain - are masters at combing all sorts of wants and needs and tying them to sex, but ironically like drinking saltwater you're not satiated, you just want more.

    You have to practice mindfulness and self awareness where is the urge really coming from?
    I have learned to understand the feeling of normal sexual arousal and the 'addictive' dopamine hit like sensation i get from PMO - it reminds me of when I was in the emergency room once and was shot up with painkillers..
    That is NOT a healthy thing to be doing to your brain on a daily or even monthly basis..

    Learning to recognize and control (through Cognitive therapy and relaxation techniques) anxiety is key to healing.
     
  20. Raikton

    Raikton Fapstronaut

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    In fact i started to go to a therapyst for some CBT,since i have anxiety problems since a lot of time ago.And yes the problem with fantasies is hard considering that u can reach a point a where u fantasies things that have no real sense,for example during the cuckold/gay porn period i M'ed imagining to suck my girlfriends dick like she had one,or things seen in hentai like body swaps,and a lot of strange things,that can't happen in real life.
     
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