Kizd4AFool’s Journal 17 years of hell

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by Kizd4AFool, Aug 25, 2019.

  1. Kizd4AFool

    Kizd4AFool Fapstronaut

    Today I am tired. Fell asleep during a movie and H woke me up several times. I find I am emotionally sensitive when tired. I start to question everything. But it’s not true intuition it’s just tiredness/stress. This weekend is busy so hopefully will sleep well tonight.
     
  2. Kizd4AFool

    Kizd4AFool Fapstronaut

    Lots of thinking today. I had some driving to do. I was thinking back on past relationships and about where I am now. I’ve always had a great self esteem. Always had lots of interested men. I sadly realized that H never has really pursued me (was better in the beginning but now not at all and hasn’t for awhile). The one I married is the one that never chooses me. I remember dating other men and having long term relationships and they would pursue me throughout the day. Little signs of desire. Maybe even lust. Now it’s like living with a friend with maybe some benefits (he still believes sex is only about orgasm...not enjoying the act). Every once in awhile he will show desire but it’s minimal. It is actually very depressing to think about....

    I tend to block out negative things. It’s my coping skill. I always said I have a bad memory (which I do in some ways) but this is actually choosing to forget. A memory came back to me today of when we were more sexually active. At the time I felt it was desire (sort of) but H has recently admitted he had been planning in a compulsive way all day before these “acts”. He would plan out the entire sex act. Whatever he wanted would be laid out on the bed (toys, massage oil, lube, etc). I’d come to bed and be like, “okay, hmm...” since throughout the day he had shown no signs of desire at all. He would always be showering of course. Well then it would start off usually with a massage but then the directions would follow (see, we had to follow the script). I found it odd but figured everyone has fantasies. I didn’t really figure it out until he stated violated some of my particular boundaries with certain sexual things. Then it made me uncomfortable. I’m slowly realizing I’ve spent 17 years with someone who doesn’t choose me, doesn’t actively desire me, and maybe doesn’t even love me (since he doesn’t love himself). It’s just more reason this is the last chance.

    As I relax and become confident in my boundaries and choices I find the past coming back. It isn’t painful like it was...but is like everything clicking into place. I’m NOT crazy. I deserve better. I deserve to be pursued and loved. I deserve to be wanted. I’m not going to spend more time on a dead end if H chooses not to become the man I need. I have an entire life ahead of me.

    I am in no way indicating H is not trying but I’m at a point in my life where sometimes trying isn’t good enough. I still love him and support him. I just won’t allow myself to suffer for his poor choices.
     
    Lilla_My and need4realchg like this.
  3. Kizd4AFool

    Kizd4AFool Fapstronaut

    No point in expressing myself to H as he takes it personally and lashes out. I ask for things and he ignores them...simple things. It’s exhausting. I don’t know if I want to do this anymore. I can handle it but it’s stupid to stay somewhere you aren’t wanted. I’m sick of mixed messages. Sick of his emotional roller coaster and the blame game.
     
    Faceplanter likes this.
  4. need4realchg

    need4realchg Fapstronaut

    Thank you for sharing the post today in h scripting the sex scenes.

    Very eye opening.
     
    Kizd4AFool likes this.
  5. Kizd4AFool

    Kizd4AFool Fapstronaut

    I’m exhausted. I trust too easily and keep getting hurt. Even when I erect boundaries he knows how to win me over. I’m weak when it comes to him. I’m sick of feeling anxious as I’m not an anxious person. Revisiting boundaries and keeping them in place...going to keep busy and focus on self care. I don’t owe him any more of my time until he earns my trust.
     
  6. Kizd4AFool

    Kizd4AFool Fapstronaut

    He only makes an appearance of an effort when he thinks I don’t care or I’m mad. That’s so dumb. Why can’t we both be happy and make an effort? Still being treated like a leper in bed. Might as well sleep in a snow suit since he can’t bear to be near me (he can make our full bed look like a King bed). Touch is my top love language. He will make an effort during the day but it never feels real. At night I have to go without for the entire night. How do you make yourself not need or want touch?
     
  7. hope4healing

    hope4healing Fapstronaut

    That's because it's not really effort on his part. It's fake effort that's just enough for him to pretend like he's trying. That way, if it comes down to it, you can't say he's not trying because he can say, "See, I did _______. I'm making an effort." :rolleyes:

    My husband does that sometimes. He'll show little bits of affection when he knows it's safe that it can't turn into anything more (because the boys are there, we're busy with other things, etc.) But, later on whenever there's an opportunity, he doesn't because I might misinterpret it and try to take it farther. So, it doesn't feel real...because it isn't. It's just more fake effort. I'm sorry you're hurting. It sucks. You deserve to feel wanted and loved.
     
  8. Kizd4AFool

    Kizd4AFool Fapstronaut

    You are so right about only when other people are around! I miss passion, desire, love, etc...I almost wish it was 18 years ago before I even met H and didn’t know how horrible it feels to not be wanted.
     
    hope4healing likes this.
  9. Kizd4AFool

    Kizd4AFool Fapstronaut

    H stayed home today with my nephew and youngest son. They are a lot to handle usually. Oldest daughter and I went out for some rescue stuff and brought late lunch/early dinner home for the boys and H. He is definitely stressed but holding it together (which usually he can’t) so proud of that. He seems to be trying but I’m wary...no trust left. I’m tired today too which doesn’t help.
     
  10. odie

    odie Fapstronaut

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    I remember seeing some advice when I first joined this website and it made me really secure in setting boundaries. It was something along the lines of this:
    Setting boundaries and enforcing consequences are going to feel wrong. They are something you're not going to want to do. But it's something you have to do. Your intuition is telling you it's wrong because the whole situation you're in is wrong. To be disrespected by someone you love isn't supposed to feel right. The only way you make it right is by demanding what you deserve. And if you can't get it from your SO, then it'll be a wake up call for one or both of you.

    I really take that advice to heart and I hope it can help you as well.
     
    EyesWideOpen and Kizd4AFool like this.
  11. Kizd4AFool

    Kizd4AFool Fapstronaut

    Thank you! That does help! I don’t I want to parent him and it feels like it to give them consequences. I often do a lot for others and some take advantage. I’m learning to erect boundaries with everyone which is nice and a big stress reliever. It’s hardest with H because he’s my spouse. I still don’t like to argue so I often don’t speak up when I should.
     
    odie likes this.
  12. odie

    odie Fapstronaut

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    I totally get that, and have often felt the same. It's a difficult thing to enforce consequences. In my experience, when I have it has really made my partner understand how deeply he hurt me. It has sparked him to change his actions. He HATES the consequences I have laid out. They motivate him. He doesn't want to sleep or eat dinner alone (just some examples of some of the consequences we use). It motivates him to be better. To be honest.
     
    Kizd4AFool likes this.
  13. Kizd4AFool

    Kizd4AFool Fapstronaut

    I’ve been better about it the last few days and it does make a big difference. Especially if I’m calm about it. I can’t let them go on too long or he becomes upset and withdraws which is the opposite of what I want. But standing up for myself feels good.
     
    odie likes this.
  14. Faceplanter

    Faceplanter Fapstronaut

    You aren't alone.....no answer from me though. My touch on her is my "I love you", and the silence in return is tough.

    What is his love language?
     
  15. Kizd4AFool

    Kizd4AFool Fapstronaut

    I’m sorry you are getting silence in return. While we have every right to be hurt kindness goes a long way. Hurting others back is never going to repair what’s broken. Have to be in it to win it...!

    His love language is touch as well lol!
     
  16. Faceplanter

    Faceplanter Fapstronaut

    Oh, that's awkward then!
     
  17. Kizd4AFool

    Kizd4AFool Fapstronaut

    What is awkward?
     
  18. Faceplanter

    Faceplanter Fapstronaut

    If his love language is the same as yours and you sent getting touch, it's not just a misunderstanding each other issue....he's actively not wanting to show love to you in a way that you have in common. I said awkward because I thought that might not be the case.
     
  19. Kizd4AFool

    Kizd4AFool Fapstronaut

    Got it! It is very weird but a lot of it is wrapped up in shame. He doesn’t feel worthy of touch or to be able to touch me. We are working through it...and it’s improving but it’s hard to not have needs met. Have to be careful how I talk to him to not alienate or hurt him. Rejection is one of his big issues. This time appears different but I find myself impatient. He’s working very hard on addressing the underlying issues and also on being honest.
     
  20. need4realchg

    need4realchg Fapstronaut

    Just a note.

    One of my love languages is touch.

    As long as I lived at my house I couldn’t touch my wife. But once I separated and put some distance—- it was much easier to talk and touch.
     

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