Kizd4AFool’s Journal 17 years of hell

Kizd4AFool said:
Why do you feel this happened?
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I know that giving each other space helped us both heal. I know that it got to where anytime I was around she was feeling anxious. She didn’t find my presence comforting. She found my absence comforting.

Being away, establishing and honoring boundaries and guidelines helped us tremendously. It doesn’t fix our relationship, but it does reduce the background noise and lowers the inhibitors to basic conversation.
 
need4realchg said:
I know that giving each other space helped us both heal. I know that it got to where anytime I was around she was feeling anxious. She didn’t find my presence comforting. She found my absence comforting.

Being away, establishing and honoring boundaries and guidelines helped us tremendously. It doesn’t fix our relationship, but it does reduce the background noise and lowers the inhibitors to basic conversation.
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Can totally understand that! We’ve gone through periods where I was the same way. Thankfully right now we are mostly enjoying each other’s company (sometimes communication is rough). I have a very busy life so I do get time away and absence usually does help us come back together as long as it isn’t excessive (he definitely has some abandonment issues he’s working through so we have to have a
balance).
 
I hate when the addict comes to talk and hang out. I understand recovery is a process but I don’t want to be around his “addict” side. How disappointing. Following my boundaries means an early bedtime now...probably for the best.
 
need4realchg said:
Very well put. I feel I do that still and I know now to cut bait and restart. Being self aware helps.
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The addict came to visit to say:
-porn is normal and healthy (even though he’s not using of course)
-I made him feel lonely in the past so he had to use P and M...
-he didn’t like our discussion (about the kids) so he had to say the above to me as a punishment

I know all of the above are BS...I really do. He came to bed 2 hours after me and woke me up with his noise and the lights on and he’s sleeping like a baby now. At some point he will recant the above...but he will be hurtful again in the future...probably even say the same things. It’s getting old.
 
Boundaries for you and boundaries for him.

It’s a double layer of protection.

I am almost to 5 months free from this damn thing and I still struggle to string coherent sentences and listen without going atomically defensive. It’s really really hard.

Not to mention— wife has to deal with betrayal trauma 10,000 worse than most .
 
Kizd4AFool said:
Can you explain this? I have boundaries written up and he knows what they are...but not sure on the double protection.
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I liken it to have a fence. You know how one fence separates a neighbor ?

I think in the case of addicts it’s best to have a double fence because we (addicts) by simple definition lose the ability to manage themselves, their time, their finances etc.

A double fence means you protect you. And let him redraw his new boundaries in honor or in respect of your fence. He needs his fence and you need yours. Don’t share fences.

Addicts need order. We need some semblance of order. We are drawn to it in weird ways. Sometimes that’s arguments, sometimes it’s organizaron or ocd kinda stuff. But we are essentially looking for order and boundaries give this back to us.

If you use a single fence strategy then the addict is not going to recognize where they stop and you begin. You each need to have fences.

I hope that is helpful as it has been with me and my wife.
 
need4realchg said:
I liken it to have a fence. You know how one fence separates a neighbor ?

I think in the case of addicts it’s best to have a double fence because we (addicts) by simple definition lose the ability to manage themselves, their time, their finances etc.

A double fence means you protect you. And let him redraw his new boundaries in honor or in respect of your fence. He needs his fence and you need yours. Don’t share fences.

Addicts need order. We need some semblance of order. We are drawn to it in weird ways. Sometimes that’s arguments, sometimes it’s organizaron or ocd kinda stuff. But we are essentially looking for order and boundaries give this back to us.

If you use a single fence strategy then the addict is not going to recognize where they stop and you begin. You each need to have fences.

I hope that is helpful as it has been with me and my wife.
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He doesn’t really have any boundaries for himself. Well, he has a couple now but in the past he never stuck to his own boundaries. So it’s all on mine.... He expects me to just forgive him when he acts like a jerk or I’m the bad guy. He’s always been this way. For instance, after the addict came to visit he acted like nothing happened...he even praised me to someone else about how much I support him etc but never mentioned that he was hurtful and pushed me away and we weren’t speaking.
 
Some thoughts-

Sobriety does not equal recovery. (“Dry drunk”)

When the addict visits it won’t ever make sense and will probably hurt.

Relapses are not okay. H has the resources he needs not to relapse. Relapse is a choice not to use his resources.

H doesn’t handle stress well although he is improving. He likes his schedule consistent. We haven’t been on a consistent schedule yet he has been trying really hard to stay clean.

We both need more sleep. Need to make it a priority.
 
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