Lack of intimacy and partnership

Hi guys, I know that there's a post talking about intimacy in this section, but my story is different and I have to share with somebody, because I don't have anyone who I can talk about it. I'm 22 and never had a girlfriend, never had a friend that is a girl, or never talk too long with a girl since ever. I consider myself a good looking guy, but I'm not confident enough. I'm very lonely man and it's been really hard to no to feel depressed about it. I know that this is just a thought in my mind and that I can change my state focusing in something that make me feel happy, but how can I feel happy, when there's no intimacy at all and don't have anyone to talk more profoundly?

I got a part-time job and did volunteering work and there's girls on there, but I talk to them and do some jokes, but I need more than that. When I began to talk about myself with them, they start saying that I'm weird and weak. But weakness not bother me, I respect everyone weakness. We are the most vulnerable creature on earth, but when I want to share intimacy people seems to step back. I'm not saying that I need a girlfriend to be happy, I'm saying that I need someone(whatever man or women) to connect with more profoundly, because it's impossible to feel happy alone forever.

When I'm not working or studying and have free-time it's hard to hang out alone. I try to do things that I enjoy like TRX, calisthenics, running, meditation, writing, reading or go to a calm place and embrace nature. I like to be alone, but not 100% of the time.

 

I just want someone with whom I can share my feelings and get out. I think that I'm afraid of rejection too, because I tend to be more nice to others than real, because I think too much about what others think of me, but that's something that I'm already trying to change. Sometimes it's ok to demonstrate dissatisfaction or say our point of view, because if we don't do it, we are being somebody that we don't are. But this is not easy, for me, because I'm very anxious when I'm in front of somebody that talks with authority or a girl. When a beautiful girl talk to me I start to get anxious and my body starts to shake, because I'm afraid of what she may think about me and I also used to think that most girls are out of my league(low self-stem), because I think to myself that I'm not good enough or she may have already a boyfriend that has more character than me( this is an act that I do unconsciously). Maybe that's the reason why my conversations with girls don't last. I have a sense of shame and guilt also when talking to girls, because I think to myself "oh I'm such a looser I can't stop watching porn and go to prostitutes and other guys instead have a real life with real girls".

So, this is what I want to do in the next days:
1. Forgive myself and forget about the past;
2. Talk to girls without judging me;
3. Don't give a shit about what others may think about me and allow me to be an asshole sometimes and contradict other's opinions;
4. See myself with the same values as others;
5. Be patient about loneliness;
6. Don't letting nobody disrespect me;
7. Try to say what I feel, when somebody contradict me;
It's gonna be hard changing this(I'm sharing some points of my journal already). I hope that this helps you guys, if you can relate with this.


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