Lack of motivation in critical situations

Discussion in 'Porn Addiction' started by Deleted Account, Nov 5, 2018.

  1. Hello. I have a question.
    Last days were the ones of difficult struggle for me. I've been in a critical situation just a step of relapsing (all of sudden - the reboot until now was quite calm) and what I have learnt, that one of the worst things that can happen in this situation is total lack of motivation to abstain.

    You probably know the situation - the hearth is beating like a hell, you can feel the blood pumping in your body and you don't care about any other things. "You" just want to do it at the moment. No matter what it costs. And it seems that ale the struggle has no meaning at all, that it won't give you the pleasure of orgasming and that it's just torturing of yourself. And it's just a moment. If you are able to sustain, this feeling will fade away in few minutes and you're sane again (I guess it's just some hormonal process inside the body which affects the mind). But at the moment, you are without this help.. it's scary.

    One of the several things which led me for abstaining in the situation was a thought that I was able to make almost for six weeks and it's a long time to start again. And also a shame that I would have to admit my fail to all of you in my diary (this is funny - it seems to me that I can hardly control myself against this craving, but I don't want to lie here.. probably because it would be same as lying to myself). So.. these are pretty poor reasons to stick with decision, right? I mean.. only thing that matter is to not fail against the craving. But what I mean.. it seemed to me more noble until now. But after these hard moments I can see throught more clearly and it's.. disturbing. So this is probably a question for people with a longer streaks.. what are your thoughts on motivation and reasons to continue in these worst moments?

    You know I've got a good motivation in my daily life and I think it's a good one. But in these moments of the larges craving it's like it's not me. It's like the worst parts of me are speaking in my mind. Does that make any sense? I am a bit unsure if I was able to explain what I wanted to say.

    Thank you for your responses.
  2. BravelyKegger

    BravelyKegger Fapstronaut

    the major urges that hit and take over you will happen, you have a demon in you that is struggling to keep its host, it will use all its power to make you nourish it and let it survive. These cravings are not yours, and every second you fight them you are denying this parasite of its existence. Just view it as the toxin leaving your body, these urges WILL fade and eventually leave in time. So when those insane cravings hit you need to tell yourself that you are powerfuller than it and there is no way in hell you are going to start over. As for motivation well, that is something only you can find out for yourself, ask yourself what it is you want and what quitting will get you, make your endless vow and give the addiction hell.
  3. Well, thing is that I don't lack motivation like.. generally. The thing is that however it may be noble it seems that it just fades away in moments that you are on the borderline and choosing whether to give up or not. All the rationalisation is aside and you are just choosing on the basis of feelings, etc.. seems to me. I can say that I don't really understand the advices of some people who tell that you should think about your life, goals, etc.. in the moments of the biggest craving. It seems to me that it doesn't work because in the moments if biggest craving your mind is against you.

    So I guess that is what I am asking. Not which motivation to choose, but how much you can count on it? Is it's purpose changing during time? And maybe (and that is not as silly question as it may seem) - does it work the same for everyone? Because as I see it, we have different approaches and condition. And some other point of view might be helpfull.
  4. BravelyKegger

    BravelyKegger Fapstronaut

    when all rationality is gone, you have no choice but to walk away, get away from the situation. Dump yourself into a cold bath if you have to but generally you need to stop it before it gets that bad. Even when you think you cant do it, you have to stay strong, SCREAM if you have to, and get the hell away from the temptation. Trust me i know what your going through every time i relapsed was because of moments like those, im on day 7 so i know ill have lots of those soon enough, as soon as the urge builds up leave the area dont allow yourself to be in a place where you can give in, bite the back of your lip HARD and dont stop until it goes away.
    Last edited: Nov 5, 2018
  5. countitjoy5

    countitjoy5 Fapstronaut

    It makes sense but here's the thing, you turned your procreative system on and allowed to run all the way up to orgasm. You have to choose at the beginning to shut it down before desire gets to intense. It's a system you can turn on or off. If you choose to turn it on and let it run it becomes very difficult to turn it off. Don't turn it on unless it is the proper context. And if it tries to turn itself on pull the plug.
  6. Ok. That makes sense, this idea about biological system - I think that's very exact because if this system is turned on, the rationality is weaker and I guess there is some hormonal tornado in body. Good point.
    Well I am doing what I can to avoid all arousing material but as they say - shit happens and this time I was very unlucky in approaching these arousing materials. The best way is avoid it at all. Got it. But is there some effective method how to handle the situation when this 'going wild' biological system is on? Because that may happen (despite all the caution and prevention - all media are full of arousing materials) and I want to be prepare if that situation comes. I was able to make a step back just thanks to the will, but I wasn't really sure to be honest. Thanks for a good notion though.
  7. Moose.Exe

    Moose.Exe Fapstronaut

    Your thoughts mirror something I've been trying to learn for so long now: How do you fight those high-tier urges, the ones that overwhelm your entire personality? How can I ever hope to win a battle that overwhelms my defenses in seconds?

    I feel like I am years away from a true answer. But, I am coming to the conclusion that the answer has to lie with other people.

    Just yesterday, I was on the brink of breaking my streak. I was overwhelmed. I was throwing everything away in a narrow-minded pursuit of lust. But, I found myself browsing NoFap posts. (Such a mood killer) When I had calmed down a little, and my co-worker got back from his break, I promptly left to an area where there where more people.

    In the past week, Other peoples successes and failures have been keeping me afloat. Other people are the key. I haven't figured out my answer yet- But, my "rough draft" is definitely that we all have our own motivations for coming clean. We all have our techniques for calming down, we all need to learn to pull the cord on thoughts before they develop into uncontrollable urges...

    But when all our defenses fail? When an urge, impossible to predict, overwhelms our personal motivations? We need to supplement our defenses with: Other people. If it's online, they need to be fighting addiction. (Whether that's on NoFap or another group.) If it's offline, and your dealing with real people, you just need to talk. Interact. As long as they aren't "part of the problem" (I.E. Don't hang out with people who will sexually tease you), you only need to interact with them.

    To the best of your ability, never let yourself be completely alone when you are hit. My answer needs work, it needs refinement- But, that is my current "defense plan" against those overwhelming urges.
  8. countitjoy5

    countitjoy5 Fapstronaut

    You need a belief system and conviction that generates a strong, "NO" - not just at the earliest stimuli but every step along the way if the first level of defense fails. You're making decisions every step along the way when you give in. The main thing is to weaken an intense desire you chose to develop. After you reboot long enough the desire for inappropriate sexual response fades to a manageable level and then you begin to receive the rewards of sublimation where you can make your sexual energy work for you. You have to keep hammering the desire for PMO until becomes weak enough manage and then subdue. As far as getting into those situations, don't ever let it come to that because it shouldn't ever get that point. Get rid of all forms of edging. Get rid of all forms of peaking. Learn to tell yourself NO, or you will be throwing gas on the fire.
  9. countitjoy5

    countitjoy5 Fapstronaut

    Just remember, it may overwhelming you now because you built the desire up - it won't always be overwhelming once you get it under control. You will still feel intense desire, you just won't feel the need for PMO - the desire will be expressed other ways.
  10. The_Grand_Nagus

    The_Grand_Nagus Fapstronaut

    This situation is know as being "triggered" - And yes, it is both mental and physical. I know very much what it is like. Once you are "triggered", it is VERY difficult not to watch porn or orgasm.

    The secret to making porn addiction EASY to break is to avoid becoming triggered in the first place.

    That sounds way too simple, but it is surprisingly easy and works better than you might think.

    You have to think hard about where and when you most often look at porn. Is it in the bathroom? Or the car?

    If you look at a lot of porn in the bathroom, just set yourself a rule: I will not take my phone into the bathroom, ever.

    I promise that you will shortly begin to forget about porn, when you're in the bathroom.

    You might have many places you get triggered, so you'll have to think this through and try to find a solution to each one that avoids the triggering situation entirely.

    All of this is based on a scientifically proven method called Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT). I used it to get off porn after addiction for 20 years. And it made it feel effortless instead of a struggle every second.

    I'm kicking off a virtual group soon to teach these principles. It's free. If you're interested, you can send me a PM and I'll tell you more about it.
  11. T_G_N: You've described quite clearly the method I've already started to use (though it wasn't absolutely wittingly). I've surmised that I should avoid the situations where I used to relapse so I've stopped working in one room for sure. Just to be safe. But your post is very helpful because it clearly explains some mechanisms which I was able to observe (and try to keep as much as possible) but without proper rational understanding. What is really suprising to me that there is even psychological method using this mechanism - I will try to find something more about it.
    There is a good coincidence that I've moved to new apartmant during my reboot, so this is a clear space for me - and I will do as much as I can to keep it like this. It should be helpful according to this theory as well, right?

    Count me in, I will be glad for another informations. Thank you.

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