Lack of physical/emotional intimacy

Discussion in 'Loneliness' started by aps1991, Jul 31, 2017.

  1. aps1991

    aps1991 Fapstronaut

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    Hi,

    One of the main drivers of my urge to PMO is the lack of physical and emotional intimacy I have in my life.

    I moved to a new city five months ago and have built a new social circle (including men and women) from scratch, which is great. However I don't get to see these people often due to their schedules.

    I've been dancing kizomba for about five months, which is fantastic exposure to being intimate and connected with a woman. However I only get to do that once a week at most. I've felt incredibly connected to some of the women I've danced with, but due to the nature of social dancing I can't make any assumptions about their interest in me based on that.

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    I'm 26 and never had a girlfriend. I've been on dates with various girls over the last three years, but they went nowhere. The first woman I slept with (almost two years ago) was incredible - she really accepted me for who I was and surrendered herself to me. We were truly connected with each other. However, due to my PMO at the time, I couldn't climax (still kicking myself to this day over it). Sadly our paths have diverged and we'll never see each other again. I yearn for that level of connection with another woman - it's absolutely electric!

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    I've made lots of positive changes in my life over the last three years. Thriving in my job, bought my first house, moved to a vibrant city, made new friends, gained some muscle, improved my appearance, learned to dance. I try to embrace people more warmly than before (e.g. I hug them (double-kiss for the girls at dancing)) when I meet them so that I can help fulfil their intimacy needs. But despite all of this the lack of physical and emotional intimacy in my life has really been getting me down again since I started my latest PMO abstinence streak more than three weeks ago.

    The kicker is that over the last two years ago I've actually spotted girls checking me out a few times. I've been told that I'm good looking by hot girls (already in relationships) and male friends I'd only just met. But I can't translate that into success with women. I currently can't engage with women I'm attracted to without expecting something in return (because I'm so impoverished in terms of intimacy).

    It's feels like a chicken and egg situation - I need the intimacy in the first place to get the intimacy (because then I don't need it - I can take it or leave it because I already have it). Have any of you found ways to get your physical and emotional intimacy needs met?

    Andrew
     
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  2. Runtilmylegsdropoff

    Runtilmylegsdropoff Fapstronaut

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    It's tough going through moments of drout, but I have found that the best things happen when you're truly content with yourself and are in no expectations to receive anything. Sort of like how banks only want to lend to people with money and who don't really need a loan. It seems counter-intuitive, but that's the game. One time I gal bought me a drink at a bar and she made the comment that she bought me that drink because I looked so happy and she was really attracted to that, that I was content. We ended up going back to her place that night.

    I would say just immerse yourself into the things you like doing and are passionate about and you'll eventually connect with the right women. Just take your time, seize opportunities, but don't ever try to rush things.
     
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  3. aps1991

    aps1991 Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for the advice - much appreciated.

    I'm trying to enjoy dancing, work and meeting new people, but I feel held back in my enjoyment by the lack of intimacy. Like other people can somehow feel how lonely I am despite my outward behaviour (perhaps I'm being paranoid). How do you truly enjoy your life when there's such a void of intimacy in your life?

    Andrew
     
  4. Runtilmylegsdropoff

    Runtilmylegsdropoff Fapstronaut

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    It's all on how you view things. Yes, it does suck when you're in the middle of a drout, but you don't have to show others that outwardly even though that's how you feel inside. What works for me is "making up my mind" that I will have a good time besides not hooking up with a girl. I will be social, I will keep up a smile, I will talk to other people around me and just recognize the fact that this loneliness is but a temporary thing. I have essentially made up my mind that if I do end up hooking up with a girl, it will just be icing on the cake. I'll network with friends, plan future activities like go to a sports event or some social gathering. It is a mindset, and also a reminder not to make women the source of your happiness. Sure, it does suck when you're in a drout and you'd rather be with some girl, but it doesn't have to totally depress you unless you allow the situation to do so.

    If all else fails and you can't get over that lonely feeling, just fake it. Fake it til you make it.
     
  5. Are you close to your family? Do you have any close friends? Are you spiritual at all? Do you have a teddy bear (no I'm not joking!)

    Just a thought: I get the impression your life is quite goal-oriented and fast-paced. Perhaps you need to slow down a little and appreciate what you have.

    You also seem sensitive to the needs of others, which is great. Fulfilling others needs might just fulfil you too. I wish you the best of luck.
     
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