Lack of sexual desire for current GF - HELP!

P

pinguin666

Fapstronaut
Little bit of story about me: I've had sex with around 100 women and I'm in my mid twenties. I have an addiction to women.

When I have sex, I'm very aroused and have no problems coming. Also I've been fapping for a long time.

I started dating this amazing girl recently. She's brillant, and smart, and pretty. She's a bit fat though, which I'm not used to.

And here's the thing: I'm not attracted to her sexually! Like not at all. We'll be in bed, and I can feel love towards her, but 0 sexual desire. This is 100% specific to her, since I talked to another girl earlier today and could feel an E afterwards.

This is freaking me out! I'd love nothing more than to be attracted to her physically, fall in love, and stop with the endless dating and meaningless sex. When I try to have sex with her, I can't have an E. When I touch her, I feel nothing OR it kills my arousal.

I'd like to bring up the issue with her and be transparent but that seems impossible to do: how can you tell a girl you're not attracted to her?

Do you think that my problem can be solved by rebooting? Can sexual desire appear and will I ever want her? Or is it a mismatch and should I end this relationship before it hurts a lot?

Thanks y'all,
 
GhostWriter said:
Do you want the honest answer? You need to let her go. You have allowed your PMO, and the objectification that comes with it, to cloud your judgment. You're manufacturing a problem in your head, and if you can't seem to see her for the beautiful woman that you've described her to be beyond, what's the word now, "Shallow Hal" image of her, you need to cut her loose. But in doing so, you need to make damned sure, beyond any reasonable doubt, that it is not about her. If you tell her you're not sexually attracted to her, SHE WILL BE CRUSHED. Don't do it. She only needs to know that you've had a sexual addiction problem for a very long time, and until you are able to get it under control, you need to stay clear of any relationship. Continuing on with this relationship under the circumstances is a recipe for disaster. It is very unfair to her. She doesn't deserve this shit.

It greatly troubles me when men come in here and say in so many words "...I started dating this amazing girl recently..." Honestly, that IS NOT the time to decide "Hmmm, I've got this sexual addiction problem, and I've got all these issues surrounding it, and now I think it would be a good time to fix it". This isn't an indictment on you. Many many many men before you have done the exact same thing. I'm not saying that to shame you, guilt you, or embarrass you. I'm saying that because that's the absolute worst time to get a conscious and try to fix the problem when you're actively trying to engage in a new relationship, explore one another, etc.

Anyway, that's my two cents. She deserves better and so much more. But your in no position to give it to her right now.
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Thanks for the honest answer.

I've been aware of my addiction for some time now, and the fact that I'm seeing her now is no coincidence. I'd say I'm on the path to recovery.

But I have this roadblock.

You suggest I let her go. So in your opinion, there's 0 chance it can get better with time and honesty (telling her I have this problem without making it about her for instance)?
Because I don't want to have sex with any other women honestly. I would just like to build something with her.

In any case, do you think rebooting is what I should do?
 
You say that you are not attracted to her sexually and that you can have an erection just fine with other girls... If that's the case then why are you with her? If what you feel is emotional connection and nothing sexual, that's what friends have.
 
Because, for a real relationship, you need to be attracted to your partner without the help of any medicine, unless you actually have a medical issue.
But that isnt the case with him.

I also don't think that it is fair towards the girl.
The right character in the wrong body still ends up being the wrong person.
The right body with the wrong character is also the wrong person for a long term relationship. (Only works for casual sex. If at all.)
 
So, I stopped it. Now I need to figure out whether I wasn't attracted to this girl, or if my sexual arousal disappears as soon as emotions are involved. I think a nofap reboot would be welcome anyways, just in case.
 
If you're not attracted to her, you're not attracted to her. Sex generally does require at least some physical attraction so if you don't feel that, then this will be a struggle as long as you're in the relationship with her.
 
I think a lot of these answers in these posts are simplifications.

Reboot16 said:
If you're not attracted to her, you're not attracted to her. Sex generally does require at least some physical attraction so if you don't feel that, then this will be a struggle as long as you're in the relationship with her.
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Sex does not require any physical attraction, how would porn stars, gigolo's etc. be able to work .


Uruvug said:
You say that you are not attracted to her sexually and that you can have an erection just fine with other girls... If that's the case then why are you with her? If what you feel is emotional connection and nothing sexual, that's what friends have.
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Ehm, right and no one is ever attracted sexually to their friends. And you have never met someone you were not attracted to but later you were.

If you are in your 20-ies and have had sex with a hundered women, but now you want to find love, yes I think you definitively need a reboot. Because you love this girl, you cannot get it up, I guess


You say you love this girl but feel no sexual attraction.
I've had a relationship for 15 years now, there have been lots of moments where I felt intense love but no sexual arousal whatsoever. Or periods where I was too stressed about other things to allow myself to feel love and attraction.

I'm sorry to hear you broke it off and wonder how?
Because a relationship is about being together and letting the other feel she can be herself around you by being yourself around her.

Breaking it off and not giving her a chance seems just about your ego
So I would have said, follow your feeling, confess.
Tell her about the 100 women, tell her you have a problem. Don't tell her you are not attracted to her, that's not true.
It's a story you tell yourself to make yourself feel safe from all these feelings.
You seem to be in love, you just can't get it up because you've trained your brain to objectify women.

It would have been her choice what to do.
You could have said, maybe we should not see each other and she's free to wait or go for another relationship, her choice.
Yes, you open yourself up for a world of hurt. That's love and relationships to me. You are not the other, the other is not you. You cannot read minds and ass-u-me a lot. So you are going to hurt each other.

But the pleasure of being together, helping each other, having someone to share everything with, not just the physical.
Believe me it is worth the pain.
Good luck, and keep it up
my 50 cents
 
I agree with Bosbske. Having no sexual desire for your GF right now, doesn't mean you'll have no sexual desire any time later. Especially if you try to stop PMO, I think it would change by time. I don't think her body or something is the problem. Maybe you're just too used to have many sexual fantasies about random women and your brain has just accustomed to have meaningless "fast food". And since you're on this site obviously masturbating has a big influence too. By watching it, you're basically telling your brain that it is good to change your sex partner any time. And of course it promotes unrealistic beauty standards and objectifies women. I mean, seriously, if you just want to have sex with pretty women, you could also go to prostitutes or find sex partners online. But it's not all about sex. Relationship gives you much more than that and I think it's worth fighting for it. I don't think breaking up was the right way, especially when you're telling how much you like that person. I don't approve what Reboot16 is saying: "If you're not attracted to her, you're not attracted to her.". The problem about PMO is that it promotes unhealthy perceptions of sex. It suggests that having sex with only one person is boring and you're brain wants to have sex with different persons and in a more extreme way. That's why men could have the hottest girlfriend and still wouldn't get it up. The "addiction to women" you're talking about and masturbation are the cause. By rebooting I'm pretty sure, you could work it out. You have to stop seeing the sex potential in women and just rate them on their appearance. If you find an amazing, charming and supporting woman like the person you described, it would be dumb to throw that away, because that's something which you don't find that easily. And of course talk with her about your problems, don't let her suffer.

Just my opinion. I guess opinions vary.
 
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The girlfriend deserves a man who desires her sexually. Otherwise she is being used and taken advantage of. Care enough for her to let her go; Mr Right is out there waiting for her.

Love without sexual feelings is friendship, as previous posters have pointed out. Calling this love is deceit.
 
Lilla_My said:
The girlfriend deserves a man who desires her sexually. Otherwise she is being used and taken advantage of. Care enough for her to let her go; Mr Right is out there waiting for her.

Love without sexual feelings is friendship, as previous posters have pointed out. Calling this love is deceit.
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well, I kindly disagree. What about all the elder people that have no sexual relationship anymore? My grandparents loved each other like no individual I know personally, but obviously they lost sexual feelings long time ago. My grandparents were married for over 50 years and my grandmother talks about my grandfather every day since he died 6 years ago. What about men that are not able to have sex? Will they never have a relationship? What about long-distance-relationship? people can live apart for one year without sex and still love each other. Also who said that he won't have desires anytime later?

Relationships are on a completely other level than friendships. Do you really think that a relationship is just a friendship with sex?
I don't know what you consider a relationship, but for me relationship means I will dedicate myself to that person in a way I wouldn't with a friend. I, for example, have a girlfriend that knows about my problem with PM and that it's still a bit difficult for me to have long-lasting erections. But she supports me and I will stop PM for her, because she is an amazing woman. And who says he won't ever have desire period?? If he takes time and stops PM/O and fights his addiction for women, it still can work. And he could at least ask her if she could wait. You know, there are also some woman who can wait for you to be ready. It's not like women always want to get "fucked" at least 3-times a week. Having a relationship is also about understanding and giving someone the time he/she needs. In a relationship you can't expect someone to function in a certain way. We're not machines.
 
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euphores said:
well, I kindly disagree. What about all the elder people that have no sexual relationship anymore? My grandparents loved each other like no individual I know personally, but obviously they lost sexual feelings long time ago. My grandparents were married for over 50 years and my grandmother talks about my grandfather every day since he died 6 years ago. What about men that are not able to have sex? Will they never have a relationship? What about long-distance-relationship? people can live apart for one year without sex and still love each other. Also who said that he won't have desires anytime later?

Relationships are on a completely other level than friendships. Do you really think that a relationship is just a friendship with sex?
I don't know what you consider a relationship, but for me relationship means I will dedicate myself to that person in a way I wouldn't with a friend. I, for example, have a girlfriend that knows about my problem with PM and that it's still a bit difficult for me to have long-lasting erections. But she supports me and I will stop PM for her, because she is an amazing woman. And who says he won't ever have desire period?? If he takes time and stops PM/O and fights his addiction for women, it still can work. And he could at least ask her if she could wait. You know, there are also some woman who can wait for you to be ready. It's not like women always want to get "fucked" at least 3-times a week. Having a relationship is also about understanding and giving someone the time he/she needs. In a relationship you can't expect someone to function in a certain way. We're not machines.
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I'm not talking about having sex or not having sex. I'm talking about feeling a passion that is beyond friendship. If you ever been in love, you will know the feeling. It's not something you have with just any person, even though they might be amazing in many other ways.

Romantic love is the fundament of most Western marriages. It doesn't always equal having sex, but it equals sexual attraction for one another.

If my husband were in prison, and I was told we could never have sex again, that wouldn't matter. I still love him and wouldn't leave. My love for him is still based on sexual attraction, though. If we are fortunate enough to grow really old together, we might not have sex anymore, or if one of us is hindered in some way by physiological means. Still, our love was funded mainly in sexual attraction. It was possible for it to last due to other factors, such as common values, experiences and friendship.

Even so, two people are primed to match together genetically to produce healthy offspring. We sexually desire people with different immune systems, for example. It's just evolution.
 
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Lilla_My said:
I'm not talking about having sex or not having sex. I'm talking about feeling a passion that is beyond friendship. If you ever been in love, you will know the feeling. It's not something you have with just any person, even though they might be amazing in many other ways.

Romantic love is the fundament of most Western marriages. It doesn't always equal having sex, but it equals sexual attraction for one another.

If my husband were in prison, and I was told we could never have sex again, that wouldn't matter. I still love him and wouldn't leave. My love for him is still based on sexual attraction, though. If we are fortunate enough to grow really old together, we might not have sex anymore, or if one of us is hindered in some way by physiological means. Still, our love was funded mainly in sexual attraction. It was possible for it to last due to other factors, such as common values, friendship and so on. But still, two people are primed to match together genetically to produce healthy offspring. It's just evolution.
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Ok, I got what you meant now. But I still don't think he should just break up. He even said it like this: "We'll be in bed, and I can feel love towards her, but 0 sexual desire". For me this is a sign that the problem is not the girl, but his earlier porn consumption or addiction to women. And I think that "desire" part is just a problem of porn consumption. Too much porn-consumption fucks someone up. I watched porn years ago, which people would consider sick and I feel ashamed of it. And at that time I most probably wouldn't have felt sexual desire for my girlfriend or any other regular girl. I was literally emotionally dead. And if someone is considering having a relationship with someone and feel about a girl like he explained (amazing, brilliant, smart, pretty), I can't imagine that there is no sexual attraction for that person somewhere deep down inside. But like I said, it's just different opinions.
 
euphores said:
Ok, I got what you meant now. But I still don't think he should just break up. He even said it like this: "We'll be in bed, and I can feel love towards her, but 0 sexual desire". For me this is a sign that the problem is not the girl, but his earlier porn consumption or addiction to women. And I think that "desire" part is just a problem of porn consumption. Too much porn-consumption fucks someone up. I watched porn years ago, which people would consider sick and I feel ashamed of it. And at that time I most probably wouldn't have felt sexual desire for my girlfriend or any other regular girl. I was literally emotionally dead. And if someone is considering having a relationship with someone and feel about a girl like he explained (amazing, brilliant, smart, pretty), I can't imagine that there is no sexual attraction for that person somewhere deep down inside. But like I said, it's just different opinions.
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Very well said. I agree with you, his habits may have altered his way of thinking/feeling. If he can't feel desire for any real woman, clearly the p is to blame. But if it's just her, well maybe then she is just not the right girl for him.

Nevertheless, she is a guinea pig in his reboot experience, and as such clearly subjected to the possibility of great, life altering suffering.

The best way would probably be to explain to her how the situation really is. If I were her, I would have "rather been slapped with the truth than kissed with a lie".
 
Lilla_My said:
Very well said. I agree with you, his habits may have altered his way of thinking/feeling. If he can't feel desire for any real woman, clearly the p is to blame. But if it's just her, well maybe then she is just not the right girl for him.

Nevertheless, she is a guinea pig in his reboot experience, and as such clearly subjected to the possibility of great, life altering suffering.

The best way would probably be to explain to her how the situation really is. If I were her, I would have "rather been slapped with the truth than kissed with a lie".
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I agree :)
"rather been slapped with the truth than kissed with a lie" - that's a nice quote, I didn't hear it yet.
 
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