Ladies would you marry your porn addict husband again if you could do it all over?

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by GG2002, Mar 26, 2017.

  1. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

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    I am engaged to a man with PIED. He has DE and that alone has caused problems but he lied to me for most of our relationship about using porn and chose it over me. He's in counseling now and has stopped and surprise surprise the DE is gone. But what I want to know from those of you that are married now to a man with PIED if you had it to do over again knowing what you know and what you would go though would you do it again? Most people tell me to run and fast. Please be honest. I really need to know don't sugarcoat it. Thanks!
     
  2. Jewels22

    Jewels22 Fapstronaut

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    I'm not married but in a new relationship with someone with PIED who is actively working on rebooting. For me, I would not marry someone who lied to me repeatedly. I would not marry someone active in addiction whether that be porn, booze, drugs, etc. I would give him time to turn it around. And then I'd give myself a lot of time to see if it stuck. I've previously been married to a drug addict. Would not do that again. At this point in my life, I require a lot of respect from my partner.
     
  3. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for your input. My relationship is only a year old as well. He's been clean for a month and he's going to see a counselor but he fought me like crazy when I first caught him. He would not agree to a porn blocker initially was very defensive and fought counseling for months. He's going now albeit reluctantly. Unlike many on here since I'm not married if he slips up again I am leaving. Sex to me is an intrical part of a relationship and the sex has been quite horrible other than the first few times due to his inability to ejaculate and complete lack of intimate connection during sex. Unlike many men with DE who work very hard to please the woman he totally ignored my needs. So the DE alone was enough for me to leave. But the lying is the worst. I know addicts lie and that may not be reflective of who they are but the addiction talking but I'm not sure I can ever trust him on any matter again or that the strong anger I feel will ever allow me to love him fully again. I guess only time will tell but my concern is that if he's struggling in bed this early on when we should both be very into each other what will happen ten years from now? I know that men say they are attracted to their partners and it's not them but all the women my partner says are pretty are either Asian like his ex wife or women that look straight out of porn and by that I can only say I mean like whores. I am a white professional female and while my body and breasts can compete with most porn stars I will never dress or look like I stepped out of Hustler. Thanks for your help and for listening.
     
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  4. Gabriella

    Gabriella New Fapstronaut

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    I wasn't married but I had a boyfriend who describes himself as a porn addict and masturbated at least once a day to Asian porn since he was 10 years old (we were 20 at the time). I don't mind that he watched Asian porn, I just wanted to bring it up as @GG2002 mentioned it as well. Anyways, he was awful at sex because he would only want sex 3 times or less a week and would just satisfy his own needs almost instantly and just leave me hanging. Most of the times, he'd come by rubbing his dick out between my butt cheeks which equates to even less sex. After having boyfriends who rarely watch porn I can tell a huge difference in sex drive and the measurable amount of enjoyment a guy has who is not a porn addict. It's not even that the sex is terrible, but I feel like the other guys were more into me overall.
     
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  5. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

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    You hit the nail right on the head. That's exactly how it feels compared to prior sexual relationships. The sex is horrible, you are lucky you got it three times a week I have to beg for one, they are very selfish in bed and I feel zero passion from him. You know the kissing fast and ripping your clothes off? We have never had that. While tons of men comment on here how sensitivity returns after porn I have never seen them say that that has changed. I think there are a few addicts that change completely after stopped porn but most still carry underlying issues that drove them to get addicted and that are never dealt with. They say you should marry someone assuming they will not change and that you will love them at their worst I know I could not do that.
     
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  6. I_Give_Up

    I_Give_Up Fapstronaut

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    Why the hell you need to compare yourself to anyone, you are child of god , unique, stop comparing yourself to anyone, and stop trying to seek anyone's approval .
     
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  7. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

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    I know and agree with you totally but this is what happens unfortunately when men use porn in relationships. Study after study shows it negatively effects women. It's not helped by the thought process of many counselors included that say if men have ED the woman needs to spice things up more or men that blame their ED on looks of the woman changing. Thank you for your kinds words!
     
  8. I_Give_Up

    I_Give_Up Fapstronaut

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    I know this honey.
    When a man doesnt get his cock up, women take it personally, they think they lack something that their man is not getting erect, but really its not something you.
    But hey, you gotta communicate with him, thats what a good wife does, she helps her man,
    Ask him to see NoFap community, tell him its an addiction like cocain, heroine addiction and he needs to do something about it.
    Show him success stories, hope he can understand.
     
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  9. ClearChrystal

    ClearChrystal Fapstronaut

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    Hi, I'm a wife of this sort of guy. Kind of a couple weeks in realising what's truly going on. TBH, I'd run a mile. I wouldn't marry my husband if I knew or suspected anything Bout this monster before marriage. Yes I would marry someone identical to him MINUS the porn. Once mArried, attachment is like a swamp and keeps you seeing the wood for the trees. I too had so so much great fantastic sex with my exes in the past. With one we even incorporated porn in our sexual life. Sparks ,never unfulfilled sexually. With the other ones, they said input them off (the porn) although they mast u r bated now and then on erotica and porn magazines. Those admitions came along with making me feel like a queen and making sure I felt number one as they said I was.Not a hint of sexual deprivation then..I didn't know what that is. Infact based on my sexual past I was so confident in my sexuality, that I ignored the signs with my husband and the beginning and reassured myself this is just a little mountain/hill that I have to conquer... once he sees my sexuality he won't look back. What a fool I was...I was thus putting the responsibility of shitty sex entirely on my shoulders. It's possible to delay a marriage,right? Don't let him have you then deal with working for you. Don't trap yourself . Just postpone the marriage and if the guy wants you he will find you ..that's how courting goes. Sexual deprivation is like a slow death. If you're deprived ,you can't grow to explore that side of you and what sex reflects to you.. it becomes just about the partner, then the obsessive hurt.
    It also makes for a lot of soul searching and it's very confusing trying to work out just why we allowed this in our lives. For me it has been a right mindf_uck starting to understand that I split up with my exes for different reasons, I had different standards in bed and now this man I loved as a husband with all my heart left me sexually deprived and sex has become the deal breaker. It's just.... don't go there if you can help it.
    I shall add here the link with my story.

    https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.p...ed-and-its-hard-to-process.95390/#post-781699
     
    Last edited: Mar 29, 2017
  10. PugMom

    PugMom Fapstronaut

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    I would not marry my spouse if I knew about this. I say that based on my personality and the fact that I tend to analyze everything. Being that type of person has made life with an addict a living he-- for me. I know it's not supposed to be about us, but, I continually feel inadequate based on what he saw in videos and pictures. I used to be so secure and confident. Now that I realize that 12 years of my marriage were all lies, I don't know what to believe to be true. I second guess everything everyday. I am going to be 43 years old. I should be very comfortable with my life decisions and who I am, yet, this has set me back monumentally. It's torture trying to live knowing that at any moment, I could feel the pain all over again. Marriage is hard enough why start off with one uphill battle to overcome right out of the gate.
     
  11. Jewels22

    Jewels22 Fapstronaut

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    I personally would not continue a relationship with someone who I could not have a good sexual relationship with. Things with my guy are getting better and it is getting more passionate. It has been awhile for it to turn around - the first month was really difficult because I'd never been with a man who had ED before. Then we tried the medication and it didn't help. It was very frustrating. He was aware that he used porn a lot and that it had an effect and at the time, his solution was to not use porn the day or maybe two days before he would see me. It wasn't until I found out about the effects of long term porn use that he quit using fully. But he was very willing to do so. It was kind of hard emotionally for me to get through it but as long as he was sticking to it, I was willing to stick by his side. If he didn't, I'm not sure I would have. He is developing lust for me. And he is aware that reprogramming is what is helping that.
    And he was never selfish in bed, even when he had PIED. That would not fly with me at all.
     
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  12. PugMom

    PugMom Fapstronaut

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    I am going to go out on a limb and point out this one piece to give you a little perspective into what it's like with a little more time under your belt. If you have already started seeking out his "type", imagine doing that everyday for the rest of your life. I know a lot of women can get past it and move on and not think about it, but, I am not one of those lucky women. My spouse had a thing for Latino women. I live in Florida which means I can't go a day without running into a Latino woman at some point during my day. I long for the day that just the sheer act of seeing one doesn't make me think about what my Spouse did to me and his types of women. Sad, but, the reality of it is that it is hard.
     
  13. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

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    Thank you so much for your honest advice. I am sorry you are going through this.
     
  14. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

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    Thank you. You described my exact life and feelings prior to meeting him. Like spot on. There is no wedding date and I will not set one until he's been porn free for s year and there is improvement in our sex life.
     
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  15. PugMom

    PugMom Fapstronaut

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    I am sorry any of us have to go through this. I really truly hope that at some point, society is more comfortable with the sheer fact that it exists. Until then, we all have each other to count on. Hang in there. Love is love and what's meant to be, will be!
     
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  16. I_Give_Up

    I_Give_Up Fapstronaut

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    You should try to help him, thats what a good partner does, instead of just breaking up with him
     
  17. ClearChrystal

    ClearChrystal Fapstronaut

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    Trust me... this is why I am here. But all the while I'm going through a lot in my heart and head and he is nowhere near close to console me or help me out with that at this stage. I've just written to him this week about everything and how I felt and what I would like to see happen next. ATM he's working away so.. wonderful hehhhh... So we're at the beginning of the beginning...waiting to see what he makes of my letter when we see each other. But meanwhile I am left with all the demons in my head. We have a kid and another one due in June. I also love the guy and loved him all along. I'm more than interested for this to work out. I have faith in him as he never disappointed me once I asked him anything. But my heart is tired. It's a long trek. I'm reassured and validated on this forum sadly by others experiences. Fingers crossed please everyone heh
     
    Last edited: Mar 30, 2017
  18. fuzzywaz

    fuzzywaz Fapstronaut

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    @GG2002 I am so happy to see that you won't marry this guy as things are now. Marriage is difficult enough without one partner bing an addict.
     
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  19. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

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    Agreed and you can only take so much if the addict does not want to help himself. It makes it worse when the man does not seem sorry at all and is not there to hear your feelings. It's a two way street, they cannot expect the wives to do all the work and them do nothing.
     
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  20. bethelighttoday

    bethelighttoday Fapstronaut

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    HELL NO!! I wouldn't. Life is already hard enough to have the love of your life lie and break your heart time and time again. Many times I wish I can rewind and get out of this awful mess. I have been married for 14 years. The only things that keep me in this is hope in love that true love can heal this and my children. If I was to get out now I know I would forever throw the key of love. I don't think I will be able to trust another man again.
     
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