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Ladies would you marry your porn addict husband again if you could do it all over?

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by GG2002, Mar 26, 2017.

  1. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

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    Thank you for your honesty! I am so sorry you are going through this.
     
    Silas and KAG314 like this.
  2. And a liar. Marriage is based on trust. Lying is so. not. okay.

    The lying/secret life issue is what stings most of us in the worst way.
     
    811, Silas, Hopefulgirl and 4 others like this.
  3. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

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    So so true! And it makes me so mad when men say they are protecting their partner by not telling them. No the only person you are protecting is yourself. I love the saying "hurt me with the truth don't comfort me with a lie."
     
  4. KAG314

    KAG314 Fapstronaut

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  5. KAG314

    KAG314 Fapstronaut

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    Absolutely not! I'm divorced 4 years and was married 25. He hid his addiction well, at least until the Internet became so readily available and I could track his use. I miss my family immensely and am still having a hard time letting go of the memories of the "Good Husband". But I know the truth is, he is still an addict. The deceit, lies, and infidelity was so much worse than what I had actually discovered on my own. It rips your heart and soul to shreds. I'm not sure if I will ever fully heal.
     
    Silas, Hopefulgirl, Bel and 2 others like this.
  6. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

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    I am so sorry you went through that and again it's very helpful to have perspective from those that have been there. There is a lot of people on here saying oh support him, be more understanding, forgive him when he's messed up again and again and me as an unmarried person is sitting there like huh I'm sorry come again? I totally understand people would fight more if married or with kids to keep the relationship so that's why I posed the question and it seems to be fairly unanimous that given a choice they would do not chose their partner again. I guess I am lucky that I found out before marriage and kids. I hope you go on to find a man who gives you all the love that you deserve. And once you meet him trust me you will not be thinking about your ex at all, because you will realize what you missed out on with him. Many people even medical professionals and counselors don't realize the scars and pain that porn use inflicts on a relationship. That's why I'm so happy to have found this community we are not alone.
     
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  7. KAG314

    KAG314 Fapstronaut

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  8. KAG314

    KAG314 Fapstronaut

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    I stayed as long as I could for the kids financial security. I had emotionally detached long before I got the courage to follow through with the divorce. It became a matter of my worth and what I gave I deserved in return. Not now but someday maybe...
     
    Hopefulgirl and GG2002 like this.
  9. stygian

    stygian Fapstronaut

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    I disagree with this. It is his responsibility to help himself. If someone is not interested in changing, someone else cannot cause the change. If someone needs support/help, they can ask for it. But if someone shuns it, it's not the fault of the partner.
     
  10. Silas

    Silas Fapstronaut
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    Hell no! The unbearable anguish constantly revisited upon me because of his lack of empathy - his total self absorption and entitlement to behave exactly how it suits him regardless of the cost to me and our children... frankly it's surreal. It's like he is living in a parallel universe. How did I ever get here? How much of my marriage is actually real? .... very little apparently. I have been gas lit the heck out of and I barely know which way is up anymore. The volumes of other women - prostitutes and strippers he has been with over the years... the money he has stolen from us to be with them all.... our birthdays and special family events he has chosen to be with them and not us.... to find out how utterly unimportant and unspecial I am to him frankly its breathtaking. I am just another collection of holes in his harem. To be told he was indifferent to me.... and that means whether I lived or died. Just stop for a moment and really draw that in folks.... yep the man I love and chose above all others who I have been fearlessly loyal to, supported and cherished couldn't care if I dropped dead or if he killed me with syphilis or AIDS. 25 years of my life dedicated to him, to always putting his needs, wishes, hopes and dreams first. And in return I get a couple of std's, abused, raped and now that its all come out (who can real know for sure? especially after so many discoveries, disclosures and heartfelt promises that this was absolutely it I knew everything) ... very little empathy and certainly no critical thinking about how disclosures or discoveries might affect me. Everything is still all about him. He is so NOT the man I thought I had married. I feel like a skittle one minute with bowling balls heading to me from all directions; and roadkill the next.
     
    KAG314 likes this.
  11. @Silas - I am so sorry. It's very painful. It's like an emotional tornado in our hearts and through our entire body, and there dis no calm, no control. I don't know - that's how I feel, anyway.

    I'd hazard a guess that most women, if they knew "who" they were "really" marrying, would not have chosen a person who lies to them (and more).

    I'm here if you need me. It helps to be "in community" with others who are committed to healing and understand the pain.
     
  12. Silas

    Silas Fapstronaut
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    Thank you so much Lizzy. Yesterday was rough - horrendous really, last night was grim. Wait you guessed? What gave it away? Total bleak despair by any chance! Anyway we are going to see Dr. Minwalla in Beverly Hills tomorrow so very hopefully he can help. Chin up.
     
  13. Best of luck with this and I hope it helps start both of you on a path of healing. I'd be interested in anything you are willing to share that you learn (not personal stuff, just the process and what helped/didn't help at the center, etc.) We found a local center (well - 3 hour drive, round-trip), but hopefully they can help us. Stay in touch, Silas.
     
  14. LadyDefiant

    LadyDefiant Fapstronaut

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    So I read this post when it first came out and my initial reaction was no, I wouldn't marry my partner again. But the truth of the matter is my husband didn't have a full blown addiction when we met or married. It became that over the last 6-7 years of our relationship, through a slow progression.
    And while all of the lying and denying hurt me so very much, I'd marry him again. I say that because in the 5 months since this has been exposed in our marriage, he's not the only person who has been actively recovering. I have been doing something I should have done ages ago, and that is to deal with my own issues, which have nothing to do w/ my husband.
    I'd absolutely marry my husband again, because I know realize that we were both messed up in our ways and that by finally, actively taking a role in our own lives and getting the help we needed, we're becoming the people we initially hoped we'd married. People who are honest, intimate, brave, and who have a whole lot of fun together.
     
  15. ^^^This is a really good point. I looked at it as "If I knew then what I know now..." --- but --- my husband wasn't an addict when I dated him or when I married him.

    It's so hard for the partners. So hard. I don't want to minimize that at all. BUT --- it really helps me to see him as a person with a problem, not as a "bad person" or whatever.
     
    ItsNeverTooLate likes this.
  16. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

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    Agreed and I was asking based on my situation where my partner has a full blown addiction now and we are not married. He had it long before he met me. So what I was asking was if before you got married you were aware that your future husband was a PMO addict would you marry him again with the hindsight of what you have been through. So a situation where you knew it the addiction prior to marriage and maybe thought it was no big deal but looking back and all you went thorough in dealing I would you do that again? If the addiction developed during the marriage I think that's a little different in that whole sickness and health thing gives you a different perspective.
     
  17. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

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    I am so glad to hear this worked out for you. I have read a lot about betrayal and some say that often the couple comes out with a better relationship after.
     
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  18. M.asdf

    M.asdf Fapstronaut

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    Who can not delight himself can not delight others!
     
  19. No.

    Yes - this is how I look at it.

    This is excellent!

    We are getting help too (individually). I wish my husband was willing to do a therapeutic professional disclosure, but he resists. I have some unanswered questions about money hoarding and such --- found out that is common with sex addiction, and I just want the facts. He either doesn't remember, is pretending that he doesn't remember, or is being evasive. The lie/hide part is what hurts me most and I feel that if I knew the truth, then I would know what to forgive. How do I forgive if I don't have the truth?
     
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  20. I thought about this myself and for me it's hard to say this but I think no. Although I love him and he is a good man and is pretty much the perfect person for me, it is also very important to me to feel wanted and sexy and loved. I know he loves me but I desperately crave for him to want me as much and as often as I want him. I've only been married for 6yrs but it rocked me 3yrs ago when I discovered his issue. Good luck and follow your heart and what you think you can handle.
     
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