Last attempt with your help.

Hello everyone..

I am an italian guy, 25 years old, subscribed since 2018. I tried to nofap, to improve myself, I got too few improvements during these 2 years.

So... I came from a period in which I didn't use this site, I posted in 2018, then in 2019 and now here I am again...

This will be my last try to improve myself definitely. I tried to journaling, but this didn't help me too much... I need to find some people that can understand me, to get better togheter and to make me a sense of doing good.

So my intention is to journal here as well, posting my days (starting to post day by day) in a way to improve myself and to be an example for you guys who read me.
It will be an honour for me to be an example for you. I'll try to do it well.

In particular I set some target to accomplish, they are few but very important:
1) Study constantly almost everyday: prepare exams with no pain.
2) Read books: my target is at least 2.5 hours/day. Now I am around 30 min a day.
3) Study english: at least 30 minutes/day. I need to improve english in writing,speaking,listening... My intention is to go out from my country and get a PHD abroad.. I have a lot of fear about that.
4) Don't procrastinate, in particular don't use Youtube too much. I have problem with youtube in particular: I spend an average of 5-6 hours/day of it. I don't like it.


So... This is my presentation... I'm sorry if in these 2 years I abandoned for two times my threads. So this is my last try, I hope you help me and I inspire you.

 

Day 1

This day was similar to my average: I didn't study very much, I read a little bit, I didn't study english and I didn't avoid NO PMO, I used a lot youtube and I feel guilty.
So resuming (I like to be tidy):
- Hours Study: 2 hours/6 hours Point: 0.33
- Hours reading: 30 minutes/2.5 hours Point: 0.2
- Hours study english: 0 minutes/30 minutes Point: 0
- Hours on Youtube: at least 3-4 hours/at most 1 h: Point: -2

Total point of the day: -1.5/+3

I set some points to see the growing: if I complete a task it is one point, otherwise I count basing on the ratio of hours done/hours to do (in the case of youtube time the point are negative, until to get "0" if I accomplish the target). I will not comment anymore my results, because I don't want to judge myself. I want to use numbers to be objective on these things.
I didn't insert anything about PMO, because for the moment I don't want to put goals about that.

 

Day 2

Bad, very bad... I relapsed 4 times and I studied almost 0. I read almost 0. I was on youtube and surfing internet about a lot of hours (I suppose 5 hours).
But I did something I never did before: deleting all my accounts about: google account with which I used to use youtube; infact I used to have an account to comment below the videos... I posted a lot of comments... I deleted my history... a lot of years of comments, youtube videos watched... recomandations...
It is incredible I deleted it. But it is for my future.
Furthermore I deleted all my account related with porn. I had two accounts on two different forums: one about on my fetish, another one "more important" for me about all the porn in general (and also my fetish).
I had the last account for 6 years... This number is too high now that I am thinking about it...
6 years of comments, doing porn, chatting with other users... I wasted a lot of time.

So this day has gone very bad, but these changes are very very important in a long term way.

Now, I set the points of the day:
- Hours Study: 15 minutes/6 hours Point: 0.04
- Hours reading: 30 minutes/2.5 hours Point: 0.2
- Hours study english: 0 minutes/30 minutes Point: 0
- Hours on Youtube: at least 4-5 hours/at most 1 h: Point: -2.5

Total points of the day: -2.3/+3

I modified the way I intend the points on "hours on youtube". 6 hours are -3 points, so 5 hours are -2.5 points etc.

 

Thank you for post in my diary, you help me and I am grateful.
I am very honest with you: I delete my accounts after the 4 relapse today. Yes I had a lot of PMO during these years, but today I decided with strenght to close all that accounts. It was not just the number of PMO I did today, but it's something different... As I wrote, I want to be an example for who will read my topic in the future... I want to create a diary of a progres...
So I decided to take advantage after my 4 relapse. Because I just have relapsed, in that moment my body didn't need of PMO or other things.. So I quickly closed my accounts... In a way to not think about it more.
If I had waited a little bit, maybe my brain have would found some excuses to not do what I did...For this reason I say that "I took advantage after my fourth relapse"... I don't know if you understand.

Now I feel normal, but I noticed that I would return on the porn forum and I didn't digit any word because I remember that I have not an account anymore!
And for youtube I'm not watching recommanded videos... Just a little bit of ASMR videos (but also ASMR for me is a little bit addicting, for the reason of recommanded videos... but now I am better).
I have to test in the next days if there will be some benefits!

 

Day 3

Today has gone good! I studied, I had MO only 1 time, I avoided P, I just used my mind and a chat with my exgirlfriend (yes, I know... often she is my thought for masturbation, I don't love her, but on her I put all my fantasies and fetish).
I also helped one friend of mine to do something on a software CAD, I felt good.
However I had a good day, I am genuinely tired...
- Hours Study: 5 hours/6 hours Point: 0.83
- Hours reading: 50 minutes/2.5 hours Point: 0.33
- Hours study english: 15 minutes/30 minutes Point: 0.5
- Hours on Youtube/ Social: 2 hours/at most 1 h: Point: -1

Total points of the day: +0.66/+3

This is an improvement than yesterday!

 

Day 4

I decided to not set points, so I'll just write what I did.
Today was a productive day, so I am good. I had MO once, without P, just thinking (always my ex gf).
However it lasts just some minutes, I haven't wasted a lot of time!

For other reason I didn't do a lot of reading/studyin english. But the most important is the study for university.
So:
- Hours Study: 5 hours/6 hours
- Hours reading: 25 minutes/2.5 hours
- Hours study english: 15 minutes/30 minutes
- Hours on Youtube/ Social: 1.5 hours/at most 1 h

 

Day 5

This is a rest day for me, but I studied a little bit to finish the book for the exam.
Now I'm going to read! I have much desire to read because I have not all those google accounts and forums to comment... So one thing I could do to rest is healthy reading!
I use youtube only to put in background some white noises or realxing asmr to relax while I am reading... No others type of videos! I will not count them like "youtube hours"
- Hours of studying 2h/6h
- Social and youtube hours less than 1h/at most 1h
- Hours study english: 0 minutes/30 minutes
- Hours reading: around 45 minutes/at least 2.5 h

 

Day 6

I don't know why, but today I was melanchonic. A lot... I slept for 8.5 hours but when I woke up I didn't feel good... I don't know, I had this sort of melanchony all the day.. Now It is passing, but it was horrible.
I didn't study almost anything, I had MO 2 times and I wasn't so horny, it was just to realase some stress... I know myself enough to affirm this. However avoiding P is a good thing and I don't miss it.
At the same time I used too much web surfing, I procrastinated a little bit on facebook (In general I don't use much facebook) and I used too much youtube (even if without any google accounts with reccomandations).

- Hours Study: 2 hours/6 hours
- Hours reading: 25 minutes/2.5 hours
- Hours study english: 15 minutes/30 minutes
- Hours on Youtube/ Social: 5 hours/at most 1 h

 

Day 7

Ok I relapsed 2 times with P, I had PMO, I was alone at home and I didn't resist. I am not sad because I am proud of what I did. My record without P was 4 days, I had no urges, never, so I am proud.

- Hours Study: 3.5 hours/6 hours
- Hours reading: 25 minutes/2.5 hours
- Hours study english: 10 minutes/30 minutes
- Hours on Youtube/ Social: 2 hours/at most 1 h

 

Grazie mille amico! E' un piacere ricevere altri post nel mio topic.
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Thank you dude! It's a pleasure for me receive other posts in my topic.

 

Day 8

It was yesterday. Bad day, I was not happy because I procrastinated too much.

- Hours Study: 3 hours/6 hours
- Hours reading: 25 minutes/2.5 hours
- Hours study english: 10 minutes/30 minutes
- Hours on Youtube/ Social: 4 hours/at most 1 h

 

How do you set timers? I don't use a lot the smartphone, my problem is the laptop! (I have to use it to study, but sometimes I procrastinate with it)

 

My problem is that I use youtube with incognito navigation in which adblock doesn't appear..
(I use incognito navigation because I don't like chronology in general)

 

Day 9

Bad day: I didn't study a lot and I didn't do anything. In my defense, there were some workers that produced a lot of noises during their work. I hope they have finished.
- Hours Study: 1.5 hours/6 hours
- Hours reading: 25 minutes/2.5 hours
- Hours study english: 0 minutes/30 minutes
- Hours on Youtube/ Social: 4 hours/at most 1 h

 

Day 10

Bad day again. I didn't study a lot... I had too much thoughts in my mind... I always think about my future and this thing blocks me... I don't know how to manage my thoughts. When I am happy I can study, but when I am not I don't study anything.... This is my worst defect. And I had PMO 2 times.
I don't know how resolve it.
- Hours Study: 30 min /6 hours
- Hours reading: 25 minutes/2.5 hours
- Hours study english: 0 minutes/30 minutes
- Hours on Youtube/ Social: 8 hours/at most 1 h