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Late Onset Transexual or Fetish

Discussion in 'New to NoFap' started by mjperry96, Feb 11, 2017.

Is this a fetish or do you think I'm transgender?

Poll closed Feb 26, 2017.
  1. Yes

    0 vote(s)
    0.0%
  2. No

    2 vote(s)
    100.0%
  1. mjperry96

    mjperry96 Fapstronaut

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    Hello to everyone out there in the NoFap community!

    I know that this is a pretty heavy topic for an introduction, but I've been struggling with trying to understand this for quite some time. All my life, I considered myself to be a straight cisgender guy. The catch, however, is that around the age of 8 or 9 I began to experience feelings of wanting to be the opposite sex. I don't think that it necessarily had anything to do with me identifying as being female, but more in the sense that I always thought that their lives were easier and less complicated. Around the same age, I struggled with being overweight and was bullied because of it. Not only that, but my father was also pretty authoritarian and a perfectionist. A lot of times I felt that what I did was never good enough for him and my self esteem took a huge hit as a result. Rather than doing what made me happy, I always found myself doing things that would make him happy and ultimately proud of me. When puberty began to take root and I discovered masturbation, I immediately gravitated towards fetish porn (e.g. - Feet and bondage) and any porn involving the male taking on a submissive role (e.g. - CFNM and MtF porn).

    After realizing my attraction to girls, these feelings of wanting to be one lessened, but still remained to an extent. The fact that I never really cared for stereotypically boy things (e.g. - Sports and outdoorsy activities) also contributed to this shame and further reinforcement that I could never be a regular boy, let alone a man. I never had any kind of relationship, healthy or otherwise, with anyone. I would have crushes all the same, but the shame from my porn use and the thought that I could never truly be a man destroyed my self esteem even more and put me into a spiral of depression. I always did what I did best and focussed on my academics as a means to show that I was just as good as any other guy, but I always felt out of step with everyone else, even the girls.

    After reinventing myself a bit and finding a decent group of friends in high school, I felt more included and more like a guy, but I always felt like I was keeping up an appearance. I still had this sense of not belonging. This sense of "otherness" continued through my freshman year of college along with my porn habits. With most of my friends moving off campus sophomore year and me not seeing them as often, I became really socially isolated and began to experience a mild attraction to the same sex. This led me to take multiple online tests to help determine my sexual orientation, which then led me to multiple online tests to help determine my gender identity.

    In my research, I eventually came across the term "autogynephilia" and "crossdreamer" and instantly identified with them. It was only in further research and looking into my past that I began to consider that this may be something more than just a fetish. As a kid experiencing those feelings, I never knew what transgender meant. And even when I was in high school and finally understood the term, I didn't think for a second that I was that. The thought of transition scares me to no end, but I've been so depressed for so long that it seems like the only thing that'll make me happy and fix all this. Unlike many people in the transgender community, I never really felt this hatred of my body (e.g. - Dysphoria) beyond not looking or sounding as masculine as I'd have liked. But looking back, I never really felt validated as a boy or a man either.

    The benchmark that most people use for trying to determine if they're transgender and should transition is to imagine yourself as the opposite sex doing normal, everyday things. The only problem for me is that I either can't imagine it or it quickly devolves into something sexual. And that's the main reason why I'm trying out NoFap. If what I'm experiencing is in fact the result of a fetish or kink, then it should subside once my brain reboots. If the behavior still remains and I begin to experience feelings of wanting to be female for more than sexual reasons, then there's a good chance that I'm transgender and should at least consider transition.

    My hope is that I turn out to be just a normal guy, if only a little bit feminine. While there's absolutely nothing wrong with being transgender, it's definitely not the easiest path. I've gone through my fair share of abuse throughout the years and simply put I don't want a reason to have to go through any more than I already have.
     
    Michael Svensson and Hiraeth like this.
  2. D . J .

    D . J . Fapstronaut

    Thank you for sharing your story and welcome to NoFap where you are amongst friends who are here to encourage you and not judge you.

    If your hope is that you are a normal guy then most likely you are. As you will read from the journals of many guys, porn usage will take a part of you normalize to be what you must have or who you may be. I applaud you for removing contributing factors to how you feel first before making any final decisions. It shows you are thinking it through before deciding on anything.

    What are your current strategies for combating the enemy called PMO?
     
    Detraks likes this.
  3. mjperry96

    mjperry96 Fapstronaut

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    Nothing solid right now. I downloaded the NoFap app on my phone, but beyond that I think my main strategy is going to be a cold-turkey approach taking things a day at a time. If you have any suggestions on any other strategies, I'm all ears. The main thing that I want to get out of all of this is some level of clarity and self understanding. I've been in a haze for way too long and I need to wake up to reality, even if that reality isn't the one I bargained for.
     
    D . J . likes this.
  4. D . J .

    D . J . Fapstronaut

    Check out In Case You Didn't Know for strategies and tips to help you along your journey.
     
  5. Detraks

    Detraks Fapstronaut

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    I don't know man, all I can say is you should think this trought alone you should be the one to decide I know its not easy but eh ! Anyway my thought is you should tackle one problem at a time start by fixing your addiction we ll see for the future I hope you find light here and get the support you deserve
    welcome to Nofap
     
  6. Detraks

    Detraks Fapstronaut

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    You could start yourself a log. Just pick your age group and start a new tread. you don't need to write a novel everyday jut small entries every day. It worked wonders for me as it gave a place for the communitee to help me and it is a place for me to learn from my own success and failures. I hope youll get more success thought

    peace
     
  7. MyNameIsX

    MyNameIsX Fapstronaut

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    I've been struggling with feeling like a real man for a little while. Recently I thought about what stereotypically manly thing could I do that I would also enjoy. I came up with competitive long distance running. I'm terrible at it at the moment, but I feel like it's slowly helping.
     
  8. Hi

    You might find this helpful:
    http://www.yourbrainonporn.com/are-sexual-tastes-immutable

    also read the reader comments:


    I always thought I was gay, until starting NoFap. Is sexuality more malleable than we like to admit?

    by celf13 days

    I am going to say some potentially controversial things, so please understand that these are only my personal speculations, and should all be prefaced with "I am somewhat inclined to believe that it might possibly be the case that..." I'm looking for answers for my own sake, not trying to offend anyone.
     
    D . J . likes this.
  9. mjperry96

    mjperry96 Fapstronaut

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    Sorry for being away from the thread for so long guys! And thanks for all of the support! Sadly, I ended up relapsing 2 days after my first post, but I've been clean since. In other news, I've started seeing a therapist to try and sort out what I've been feeling. It's gonna be a long road, but anything worthwhile's never easy. Now that my story's out there, I think it's best that I move the conversation to the rebooting journal section. If anybody feels like seeing my progress or if they identify with this story, it'd be awesome to hear what you have to say!
     
    D . J . likes this.
  10. CantFail

    CantFail Fapstronaut

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    I just signed up today, but welcome friend! I think you're on the right path here, rebooting your brain from the P addiction is the first step to achieving the clarity you seek. After that you will have a better idea of what's truly best for you! Be strong and keep your goal in mind when your urges hit, you have the strength. Happiness can be obtained and you deserve it.
     
    D . J . likes this.
  11. D . J .

    D . J . Fapstronaut

    Welcome to NoFap where you are amongst friends who are here to encourage you and not judge you.
     
    CantFail and ivanhoe like this.
  12. PostiveChange1974

    PostiveChange1974 Fapstronaut

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    Hello and Welcome.

    I don't actually know much about transgender life. I do have both drag queen & drag king friends, but I think for them despite being gay or bi, it's more of function of their love for theater, and I've never thought it any of my business to ask them 'why'. I encourage you to feel free to talk and discuss here. Not that my validation means anything, but I offer that would respect you as human being, no matter if you appear as man, woman, or man who dresses as woman.

    I would start off by saying that none here have the right to classify what you do as fetish or identity. I think only you can know that. I don't even know if there is any meaningful line between the two words. Still, I would be inclined to believe anything that gives you joy, and has been part of your life for a long time is more likely to be 'identity'. I'm not even sure if psych science recognizes the difference, unless you believe that you have a compulsion that is driving you to do things you don't want to do, and find harmful to your happiness.

    I would say, while NoFap may help give you a chance to clarify your vision, (if you aren't already doing so), that you might want to seek some additional help. (Again, admittedly I know nothing about transgender identity), but I am very much against the concept of 'gay conversion therapy', where people are pushed to alter their sexual identity by third parties. It doesn't sound as if you suffer from any pain in your exploration of your identity. (I applaud that, and say that needs to be protected at all cost). (Again, this next statement is a bit 'no shit' obvious, but in case you are feeling vulnerable, I offer it) Beware of those that would manipulate you to their idea of 'normal', you have every right to remain the way you are and no matter what, you are a worth, valuable, human being.

    From my positive experience of therapy for depression, I think it might be good to find a therapist that understands transgender identity, and helps you identify if there is anything manipulating you, so you can sort your feelings in peace. I don't believe you have to be one way or another, but sounds like you would like to settle on a more singular role, and not sure which side you fall. (Not all therapist are good for this, and any one that you go to should never push you to any outcome, if you encounter that, leave and find another. As a clue, if you've never been in therapy, therapists are supposed to listen, and not actually take any judgement or tell you what to do. They should only help you examine your feelings and see if there is some process at work that you don't recognize so that you can make your own choices on your life.)

    In any case, welcome. I hope answers and clarity are quick to arrive for you. Stay strong, and we are here for you.
     
  13. Hiraeth

    Hiraeth Fapstronaut

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    Hey MJ I experience the same thing you do. I think in my case it is most likely a fetish. Also, the yes-no question is a bit confusing ;)
     
  14. Michael Svensson

    Michael Svensson Fapstronaut

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    Hey there I have also had similar experiances because I have had troubles identifying myself as a man. I dont have a deep voice etc. I played with dolls when I was younger and I have troubles getting male friends. I have many times thought I was in spirit a female who liked other female.

    My father was much an perfectionist and authorian I never felt I was good enough. Even when I was praised I felt I could be better and that the praise wasent genuine. I think I over the years started to identfiy myself more and more as a woman. I'm a soft, kind and non-muscular guy. I have watched gay porn.

    But I firmly belive that this is all due to my porn addiction. The funniest thing is that our sexual identity have caused me so much anguish when they really are just social constructs that we should stop letting define who we are.

    If you stop with porn I bet my life on that your life will be better whatever insights you will have. I'm proud of the steps you have taken, take one step at a time. Take steps towards KASAM (sense of belonging) by connecting to others and your self.
     
  15. Sacha

    Sacha New Fapstronaut

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    Who are you in the sexual fantasies ? If you have a body with a dick an enjoy using it I doubt that you are trans.

    Trans often starts with sexual fetish for crossdressing when you are a teenager and I think the festish can last for decades. This is described by the DSM and the CIM.

    But if you start having dysphoria and that the fantasy trans becomes a suffering instead of a only sexual = then you are on the bridge toward transness !
     

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