I have been through this experience also. Grateful to be finally getting the "truth" but disgusted and wracked with pain at what I hear. Okay - Here Goes. I have to say this has been my biggest obstacle reconciling with this disease - even bigger, I think, than the deception. I simply cannot fathom the mind that takes ANY kind of pleasure or relief from these things. Some will call me "judgmental", a "prude" or a "bigot" and tell me to stop shaming people for their sexual "preferences". It seems that if an act occurs in the course of someone being sexually entertained or satisfied, it is absolutely off limits to criticize it. But I have no problem standing up and shouting that sexual acts involving pain, torture, disrespect and humiliation to any party involved are wrong. And if that is what gets a person off, it is entirely proper that that person should be ashamed of himself and figure out what went wrong in his heart and his head. When I found out my husband had watched these things, RECORDED these things, my opinion of him as a person changed instantly. When I looked at him, I felt the way I feel when I look at those American postcards from the early 20th century, depicting families picnicking at public lynchings. Just WTF?!? It seemed a big part of the common ground I had erroneously thought we had, namely respect for humanity, had been swept away. I was in disbelief as I recalled all the times I had listened to him opining about people's "Buddha Nature" and human rights. What about the Buddha Nature of that cum rag? Why is that circle of men standing around that woman cringing on the floor ejaculating all over her Buddha Nature? And why are YOU masturbating to THAT? Then I realized that by "people", he hadn't meant to include "women". You nailed it. When I think of all the times I "made love" with him, I now know I was making love TO him, but not receiving love FROM him. I wasn't even there. I wish this whole thing was in the Rebooting in a Relationship section.