Leaving, at last...

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by DesperateHousewife7, May 31, 2019.

  1. Susannah

    Susannah Fapstronaut

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    I have been through this experience also. Grateful to be finally getting the "truth" but disgusted and wracked with pain at what I hear.
    Okay - Here Goes. I have to say this has been my biggest obstacle reconciling with this disease - even bigger, I think, than the deception. I simply cannot fathom the mind that takes ANY kind of pleasure or relief from these things. Some will call me "judgmental", a "prude" or a "bigot" and tell me to stop shaming people for their sexual "preferences". It seems that if an act occurs in the course of someone being sexually entertained or satisfied, it is absolutely off limits to criticize it. But I have no problem standing up and shouting that sexual acts involving pain, torture, disrespect and humiliation to any party involved are wrong. And if that is what gets a person off, it is entirely proper that that person should be ashamed of himself and figure out what went wrong in his heart and his head. When I found out my husband had watched these things, RECORDED these things, my opinion of him as a person changed instantly. When I looked at him, I felt the way I feel when I look at those American postcards from the early 20th century, depicting families picnicking at public lynchings. Just WTF?!? It seemed a big part of the common ground I had erroneously thought we had, namely respect for humanity, had been swept away. I was in disbelief as I recalled all the times I had listened to him opining about people's "Buddha Nature" and human rights. What about the Buddha Nature of that cum rag? Why is that circle of men standing around that woman cringing on the floor ejaculating all over her Buddha Nature? And why are YOU masturbating to THAT? Then I realized that by "people", he hadn't meant to include "women".
    You nailed it. When I think of all the times I "made love" with him, I now know I was making love TO him, but not receiving love FROM him. I wasn't even there. I wish this whole thing was in the Rebooting in a Relationship section.
     
  2. DesperateHousewife7

    DesperateHousewife7 Fapstronaut

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    Part of the agreement for this “final chance” of his to do it himself is that if he fails, we will get our parents involved. I guess the point of this is multifaceted. Firstly, for me- their support and advice could give me clarity. Secondly, it’s like his worst nightmare to have to have our parents know that the whole reason we have not had a sex life is because of porn. So, perhaps it could give him some accountability and motivation.

    So, since the part of me that is logical and learns from the past 8 years, I have started writing my letter to my parents. I won’t be able to tell them with my words cuz I’ll break down, and forget everything I wanna say. A letter will help me keep everything organized and cohesive. Up until now, letting my parents find out about the most personal detail and biggest failure of my life was out of the question. But, I can’t keep it a secret and live with it forever. My PTSD seems to get worse with time (since I am living with and married to the source) so I feel that I will probably have to utilize that letter some day.

    I don’t want to. At all. But hey, I didn’t exactly get anything I wanted here.
     
  3. DesperateHousewife7

    DesperateHousewife7 Fapstronaut

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    He stayed late over an hour at work tonight, which I know sometimes happens on a Friday at the end of the month. Things have to get done for numbers.


    I was annoyed and texted him an hour in and asked why he had to stay, since he’s not doing any of the work that is required to leave.


    He said “Because half of the productivity is from respect. How can I ask that guys cancel their plans if I’m not willing to stay? How does that make me look as a leader?”


    My initial reaction was “Wow, yeah. You’re right. That is true.” I was taken aback to see this kind of introspection from him. And then it hit me... He didn’t make the wrong choices over and over again because he isn’t capable of critical thinking. He’s not stupid. He’s not helpless. He’s a leader at work and he takes his job very seriously. He makes the wrong choices over and over again because he doesn’t care if he has my respect. He doesn’t care if he has to ask of me more than he is willing to reciprocate. He doesn’t care how his actions make him look as a husband. He pours careful, considerate actions into his job and over the people he manages. He’s never even called in sick! He’s never played hooky from work. He’s never not done his job. His boss can rely on him and can trust him with the company, to the point where my husband is next in line to run it.


    But he is 100% polar opposite in his porn addiction. I don’t think he’s stopped to make a single careful choice here. I don’t think he’s ever once considered my feelings and plans above his. He hasn’t given me one total year without porn addiction out of the almost 8 we’ve had. I can’t trust him or rely on him for a second.


    Damn. I just feel so low and worthless. Why am I not important to him? Why doesn’t he take care of this marriage like he does his job?
     
  4. DesperateHousewife7

    DesperateHousewife7 Fapstronaut

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    So, I need advice because it’s hard sometimes to keep my head on straight when I have a PA in my ear constantly. It’s been a year and 2 months now since D Day.

    Basically, he is not working his recovery no matter what the consequences are. 2 months ago, we talked about this clearly and he apologized, begged for one last chance, and said that this time would be different because he has made a lot of progress (what he means by progress is that he went from being active in his addiction daily to now once a month) and that he just made a mistake. He promised he would join a 12 step and that he wouldn’t leave until it was completed. He said that if he didn’t, he would let me kick him out and that he would tell his parents.

    One month later, he acted on it again, (he lied and made an excuse when I asked him why he had ED and then confessed the next day) which really threw me into a major depressive episode which I needed constant marijuana high to get through until I landed myself an amazing job (I graduated my program that I got into just because of his PA). The job pulled me out of the depression and gave me a renewed purpose and hope.

    Now, one month later, he didn’t do any of those things- instead he acted again (I could tell because he gets ED when I initiate, like always- so I asked him straight up when he masturbated and he begrudgingly confessed to doing it at work). So, I just completely shut down and I am beyond over it. I didn’t speak a word to him for 2 days while I tried to get my thoughts together. And here is where we are now.

    My thoughts: it’s time to go balls to the wall, all in on cutting him off. I want to send him off to stay with his parents while he completes his 12 step on his own, and give him limited contact with the kids instead of letting him in and out of my home freely as he pleases. I would also give my parents the letter which would reveal what’s been going on, and he would have to tell his parents what’s going on. My reasoning for this method is that he needs to experience a life without us, and be cut off from me so that he can be driven to rock bottom as everyone in his life knows he’s a sex addict who is attending a recovery group, and there needs to be no more leeway or softening my boundaries for him. No more setting myself on fire so he can keep warm. I want this to be taken care of, one way or the other, once and for all.

    His thoughts: he came to me last night and begged to talk so I let him talk. He said 1) He didn’t know or realize that masturbation was tied into his addiction and that doing it meant he was partaking in his addiction (horseshit, clearly, as he’s been told this many times by many sources and he sees the physical effect it has on him) and so now that he “knows” that, he won’t do it again. 2) he found himself a 12 step program and he’s planning on starting Monday and complete it. 3) he said he will tell his father about everything but not his mother cuz he doesn’t wanna hurt her, and he thinks it’s better if he just stays on the couch during that time cuz he wants to be with his kids.

    What’s your take on all this?
     
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  5. hope4healing

    hope4healing Fapstronaut

    Letting him stay there with you and the kids goes against what you're saying here. He wouldn't have to be without you guys because that would be softening your boundary for him again. Essentially, he would still be in control because that isn't the consequence you set.

    I agree with you...horseshit. To say he "didn't know" that M was tied into his addiction is complete and total denial. That indicates more of a commitment to protecting the addiction than a commitment to recovery.

    Yes, of course he thinks that's better because then he doesn't have to face the consequence that was set. If he doesn't want to be without the kids, then he shouldn't have made the choices he knew would make that happen. IMO, he's just using the kids to manipulate the situation because he knows that's likely a weak spot to get you to buckle. I know this is a really difficult place to be. The want to give chance after chance after chance is there. I get it. But, I think you've been more than fair about giving those chances, and it seems like, until he really has to face some more serious consequences, he's just going to keep taking advantage of you. I'm sorry you're going through this. It's beyond painful, and you deserve so much better. Hugs.
     
  6. DesperateHousewife7

    DesperateHousewife7 Fapstronaut

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    Thank you. It’s EXTREMELY hard for me but I think I know I HAVE TO stop buckling and start standing my ground or no real change can ever come.
     
  7. hope4healing

    hope4healing Fapstronaut

    Yes, I think you're right. He's too comfortable with things as they are, and that won't inspire any kind of change. You have to do what's best for you and your kids. You're stronger than you think, and by standing your ground, you're showing him that you're no longer going to accept less than you deserve. You'll thank yourself later.
     
  8. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

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    I am in complete agreement with @hope4healing . I couldn't have said it any better than she did.
     
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  9. DesperateHousewife7

    DesperateHousewife7 Fapstronaut

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    I did it. I told him he can’t stay here. He made arrangements and packed up some of his things and left. I told him he can’t hang around here with the kids either, he will have to either spend time with them here while I am gone at work or he will need to take them out of my house to spend time with them. He is supposed to be attending his first 12 step meeting today, apparently. With all the other sex addicts. It seems like a bad idea to put a bunch of sex addicts in one room haha but hey. I don’t make the rules. As for me, I think I am ready to sit down and tell my parents what I’m dealing with. Also, I cancelled the reservation we had for our anniversary in October because I want to take this very seriously. I promised myself that I will spend the rest of the year without him, learning how to be on my own and healing. I think that spending anniversary and holidays without him will be beneficial to me.
     
  10. hope4healing

    hope4healing Fapstronaut

    I know this isn't what you wanted to happen, but I think it showed a lot of strength and courage to follow through. I'm proud of you. Hugs.
     
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  11. DesperateHousewife7

    DesperateHousewife7 Fapstronaut

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    Thank you. He insisted on talking tonight so I let him, and got a big huge reassurance that he doesn’t take any of this seriously. I told him my terms. I told him I want him out for the rest of the year. And he started listing off his own ideas as a means of negotiating my consequences with me. He actually said that I should just have him come back home after a month or 2 in the program to test and see if it’s working. By that he means just come home and accept him like a normal married couple again and have sex. It’s just INSULTING how he doesn’t see at all the damage he’s done to me and to us. I want to leave him for his choices and he’s telling me I should just ground him for a while and then “test” him again. After 8 years of that. I mean are you kidding me?! It’s just so hard for me to accept how far gone he is.
     
  12. Fightyourlowerself

    Fightyourlowerself Fapstronaut

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    @DesperateHousewife7

    Your simply amazing in terms of how you handle all this! My prayers are with you.
     
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  13. SaturnsSun

    SaturnsSun Fapstronaut

    I just wanted to mention that there are S-anon and COSA 12 step mtgs for partners of sex addicts. I read about them in a book called Women, Sex and Addiction. The book has a lot of great insight into the partners of sex addicts. The mtgs can be very helpful and maybe give you some sense of peace of mind so you can be happy no matter what he is or isn’t doing. Something to think about.
     
  14. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

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    FYI, these groups follow the codependecy or co-addict model of treatment. To any SO looking into support for themselves, please research the codependency model vs the betrayal trauma model of treatment and decide which one may be better for your healing.
     
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  15. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    I think this depends on who’s in the group , the Sanon that I go to are pretty schooled on BT and all the incoming new information regarding PA . Very laid back group thank god because that’s what I needed , a more chill environment with survivors attitude not victim ;)
     
  16. fadedfidelity

    fadedfidelity Fapstronaut

    This is exactly what I felt like when my husband's work was so important to him and he would never say no to anything they wanted. Yet he treated me like shit and let me cry. No respect for SO's but other men at work, sure. Total BS. I am so glad you are a very smart woman!!
     
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  17. fadedfidelity

    fadedfidelity Fapstronaut

    Yep, he is trying to soften you up and test your boundries/consequences again. Ridiculous. He can't take 3 months of separation but you have been dealing with this for 8 YEARS. It angers me to see just how blind PA's are to the hurt they cause. I am glad you are standing up for yourself!
     
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