Leaving, at last...

Part of the agreement for this “final chance” of his to do it himself is that if he fails, we will get our parents involved. I guess the point of this is multifaceted. Firstly, for me- their support and advice could give me clarity. Secondly, it’s like his worst nightmare to have to have our parents know that the whole reason we have not had a sex life is because of porn. So, perhaps it could give him some accountability and motivation.

So, since the part of me that is logical and learns from the past 8 years, I have started writing my letter to my parents. I won’t be able to tell them with my words cuz I’ll break down, and forget everything I wanna say. A letter will help me keep everything organized and cohesive. Up until now, letting my parents find out about the most personal detail and biggest failure of my life was out of the question. But, I can’t keep it a secret and live with it forever. My PTSD seems to get worse with time (since I am living with and married to the source) so I feel that I will probably have to utilize that letter some day.

I don’t want to. At all. But hey, I didn’t exactly get anything I wanted here.

 

He stayed late over an hour at work tonight, which I know sometimes happens on a Friday at the end of the month. Things have to get done for numbers.


I was annoyed and texted him an hour in and asked why he had to stay, since he’s not doing any of the work that is required to leave.


He said “Because half of the productivity is from respect. How can I ask that guys cancel their plans if I’m not willing to stay? How does that make me look as a leader?”


My initial reaction was “Wow, yeah. You’re right. That is true.” I was taken aback to see this kind of introspection from him. And then it hit me... He didn’t make the wrong choices over and over again because he isn’t capable of critical thinking. He’s not stupid. He’s not helpless. He’s a leader at work and he takes his job very seriously. He makes the wrong choices over and over again because he doesn’t care if he has my respect. He doesn’t care if he has to ask of me more than he is willing to reciprocate. He doesn’t care how his actions make him look as a husband. He pours careful, considerate actions into his job and over the people he manages. He’s never even called in sick! He’s never played hooky from work. He’s never not done his job. His boss can rely on him and can trust him with the company, to the point where my husband is next in line to run it.


But he is 100% polar opposite in his porn addiction. I don’t think he’s stopped to make a single careful choice here. I don’t think he’s ever once considered my feelings and plans above his. He hasn’t given me one total year without porn addiction out of the almost 8 we’ve had. I can’t trust him or rely on him for a second.


Damn. I just feel so low and worthless. Why am I not important to him? Why doesn’t he take care of this marriage like he does his job?

 

So, I need advice because it’s hard sometimes to keep my head on straight when I have a PA in my ear constantly. It’s been a year and 2 months now since D Day.

Basically, he is not working his recovery no matter what the consequences are. 2 months ago, we talked about this clearly and he apologized, begged for one last chance, and said that this time would be different because he has made a lot of progress (what he means by progress is that he went from being active in his addiction daily to now once a month) and that he just made a mistake. He promised he would join a 12 step and that he wouldn’t leave until it was completed. He said that if he didn’t, he would let me kick him out and that he would tell his parents.

One month later, he acted on it again, (he lied and made an excuse when I asked him why he had ED and then confessed the next day) which really threw me into a major depressive episode which I needed constant marijuana high to get through until I landed myself an amazing job (I graduated my program that I got into just because of his PA). The job pulled me out of the depression and gave me a renewed purpose and hope.

Now, one month later, he didn’t do any of those things- instead he acted again (I could tell because he gets ED when I initiate, like always- so I asked him straight up when he masturbated and he begrudgingly confessed to doing it at work). So, I just completely shut down and I am beyond over it. I didn’t speak a word to him for 2 days while I tried to get my thoughts together. And here is where we are now.

My thoughts: it’s time to go balls to the wall, all in on cutting him off. I want to send him off to stay with his parents while he completes his 12 step on his own, and give him limited contact with the kids instead of letting him in and out of my home freely as he pleases. I would also give my parents the letter which would reveal what’s been going on, and he would have to tell his parents what’s going on. My reasoning for this method is that he needs to experience a life without us, and be cut off from me so that he can be driven to rock bottom as everyone in his life knows he’s a sex addict who is attending a recovery group, and there needs to be no more leeway or softening my boundaries for him. No more setting myself on fire so he can keep warm. I want this to be taken care of, one way or the other, once and for all.

His thoughts: he came to me last night and begged to talk so I let him talk. He said 1) He didn’t know or realize that masturbation was tied into his addiction and that doing it meant he was partaking in his addiction (horseshit, clearly, as he’s been told this many times by many sources and he sees the physical effect it has on him) and so now that he “knows” that, he won’t do it again. 2) he found himself a 12 step program and he’s planning on starting Monday and complete it. 3) he said he will tell his father about everything but not his mother cuz he doesn’t wanna hurt her, and he thinks it’s better if he just stays on the couch during that time cuz he wants to be with his kids.

What’s your take on all this?

 

Thank you. It’s EXTREMELY hard for me but I think I know I HAVE TO stop buckling and start standing my ground or no real change can ever come.

 

I did it. I told him he can’t stay here. He made arrangements and packed up some of his things and left. I told him he can’t hang around here with the kids either, he will have to either spend time with them here while I am gone at work or he will need to take them out of my house to spend time with them. He is supposed to be attending his first 12 step meeting today, apparently. With all the other sex addicts. It seems like a bad idea to put a bunch of sex addicts in one room haha but hey. I don’t make the rules. As for me, I think I am ready to sit down and tell my parents what I’m dealing with. Also, I cancelled the reservation we had for our anniversary in October because I want to take this very seriously. I promised myself that I will spend the rest of the year without him, learning how to be on my own and healing. I think that spending anniversary and holidays without him will be beneficial to me.

 

Thank you. He insisted on talking tonight so I let him, and got a big huge reassurance that he doesn’t take any of this seriously. I told him my terms. I told him I want him out for the rest of the year. And he started listing off his own ideas as a means of negotiating my consequences with me. He actually said that I should just have him come back home after a month or 2 in the program to test and see if it’s working. By that he means just come home and accept him like a normal married couple again and have sex. It’s just INSULTING how he doesn’t see at all the damage he’s done to me and to us. I want to leave him for his choices and he’s telling me I should just ground him for a while and then “test” him again. After 8 years of that. I mean are you kidding me?! It’s just so hard for me to accept how far gone he is.