Leaving it all behind

C

CanadianBassist

Fapstronaut
Hello. I'm an 18 year old straight male with HOCD on their first day of NoFap. Yesterday, I made the mistake of watching gay porn to prove to myself that I wasn't bisexual. Even though I know I'm straight, after about 5 minutes I got addicted to it (again) and now I have HOCD. I know I'm straight because I've never felt a genuine sexual attraction to anything but females, so the problem here isn't accepting that I'm not straight, it's getting over my porn addiction, and ultimately my HOCD.

I've been addicted to porn since I was about 11 years old, and since then it's been nothing but a downhill slope until I finally reached the point today when I realized I have a very serious problem. A vast majority of the porn I've watched in my life is straight and lesbian, which isn't really surprising. However, that's the porn that I'll actually admit to people that I watch. Everything else, well I've hinted to it, and that's all I'm saying. I'm incredibly ashamed, and I have trouble even admitting to myself that I did it let alone complete strangers.

So as I lay here in my bed with severe anxiety due to porn withdrawals, I'm desperately hoping that I'll be able to kick my addiction. If anyone has any questions, feel free to ask, I'm pretty much an open book.
 
CanadianBassist said:
About how long does it take for that to go away?
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I don't feel I can give a definitive answer to this. Like addiction, recovery is unique to each of us.

In my experience, however, it's important to not expect a quick fix here. For many of us, this addiction is worn deep within our systems - so recovery takes time. In addition, as one gets sober it is very likely some of the issues that lay beneath our porn addiction will begin to surface.

For instance, like you I experience anxiety in withdrawal. As this eased up, I discovered - lo and behold! - more anxiety. Put another way, I discovered I was an anxious person who had been using pmo to avoid / repress / deny my own anxiety. At this point, I started to work with this deeper dynamic.

None of this has been easy, but it has been necessary and worthwhile. So please keep going. Look around this site and use whatever feels right to use. There's a ton of wisdom here and posting as you have is a great thing to do instead of acting out.

May your road of recovery unfold beautifully.
 
Tryingto said:
I don't feel I can give a definitive answer to this. Like addiction, recovery is unique to each of us.

In my experience, however, it's important to not expect a quick fix here. For many of us, this addiction is worn deep within our systems - so recovery takes time. In addition, as one gets sober it is very likely some of the issues that lay beneath our porn addiction will begin to surface.

For instance, like you I experience anxiety in withdrawal. As this eased up, I discovered - lo and behold! - more anxiety. Put another way, I discovered I was an anxious person who had been using pmo to avoid / repress / deny my own anxiety. At this point, I started to work with this deeper dynamic.

None of this has been easy, but it has been necessary and worthwhile. So please keep going. Look around this site and use whatever feels right to use. There's a ton of wisdom here and posting as you have is a great thing to do instead of acting out.

May your road of recovery unfold beautifully.
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Thanks for the support man. As of tonight, my HOCD is pretty much gone, I'm now a lot more confident in my straightness, I've come to terms with my situation a bit better, and I'd be quite happy to leave that whole fiasco behind me for the rest of my life and never speak of it again. One of my buddies at work showed me some nudes of an extremely attractive girl I met a little while ago. It was completely out of nowhere so I didn't cheat, and her face wasn't even in the picture so I only got a little bit aroused. I've seen plenty of pictures of tits, nothing new. Currently, I wouldn't really say that I'm horny, moreso that I'm feeling the compulsive need to jack off. The anxiety is pretty much all gone, and after what I went through last night, you can be damn sure I won't be putting myself through that again. I've decided that my Christmas gift to myself is going to be allowing myself to masturbate to my imagination, after that, the 90 day challenge begins. I won't be abstaining though. If the opportunity to get laid presents itself, I have no problem with partaking. I'm looking forward to the day when I finally don't feel the urge to watch porn, as this addiction has no place in my life. Thanks again for the support.
 
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